ok you male subs

[Shadowsdream]

Shadows Dream,

I am a male sub who is having a hard time getting started in BDSM (finding people, dealing with issues of openess etc.)

I want to thank you and the other people on this thread SO much for your words of encouragement.

Oh, and AAkasha, as for vulnerability....I would have to say it is the humiliation. Nothing else strikes so closely to the fragile male ego.

Fergus

Hello Fergus and welcome to the conversation.

The first steps into BDSM can be intimidating and slow or a whirlwind of instant possibilities. I think long term the slower start gives a better chance of absorbing the reality of each step forward and an understanding of each step backwards.

Good luck in this new journey...remember patience is a virtue but do not use patience as a crutch to do nothing but wait for opportunities to find you.

May I ask what you view as humiliation...there are so many takes on this simple word.

 

[fergus4]

Just the thought of giving over total control to another is a little humiliating for a control freak like myself

I guess that is part of the thrill.

There are SO MANY ways to humiliate a person I reckon, crawling, verbal degradation, you name it. I believe you would have far more experience in it than I.

Fergus

 

[Shadowsdream]

Just the thought of giving over total control to another is a little humiliating for a control freak like myself

I guess that is part of the thrill.

There are SO MANY ways to humiliate a person I reckon, crawling, verbal degradation, you name it. I believe you would have far more experience in it than I.

Fergus

Hopefully one day you will only feel the joy and freedom of giving up control.

 

[fergus4]

Oddly enough (or maybe not), I have been discovering that for years. Little by little.

Fergus

 

[Xelebes]

I'm curious to hear what male submissives find makes them feel most vulnerable:

Bondage
Pain
Humiliation

(or, something else, if there is a category I am missing). Why does it affect you in that way?


Akasha

Definitely not pain. Bondage...eh...maybe... Humiliation.... is more like it.

 

[Alt]

I'm curious to hear what male submissives find makes them feel most vulnerable:

Bondage
Pain
Humiliation

(or, something else, if there is a category I am missing). Why does it affect you in that way?


Akasha

For me it is the loss of control, be it forced or implied or openly submitted. Bondage can often be the physical impetus to show the loss and pain could confirm it by extraordinary means, but humiliation is often a byproduct. For me, I think the act alone of having to wear a collar (or other clothing and even no clothing ) underlines the symbolic nature of the situation and heightens the feelings. Orgasm denial is a big one that you omitted, as are strap on play and forced bi. Those three are on the medals podium for me.

 

[hoodooman]

I recently re-watched the Star Wars scene where Princess Leah was chained by the neck to Jabba the Hut. Put me in place of the Princess, a cruel, overtly sexually driven woman to replace Jabba, a well deserved xxx rating and I'm in heaven.

I would want her to teach me many valuable lessons and to use me as an example and warning to all the macho/hero types cavorting around space....yum

 

[onceburned]

Shadows Dream,
I am a male sub who is having a hard time getting started in BDSM (finding people, dealing with issues of openess etc.)

Fergus, you might want to go to Caryl's Page and click on the "Meet People" link. You will find a listing of local groups and munches in your area, organized by state. And those groups often have mail lists where you can get acquainted with folks in your area, before you attend any events.

As for Akasha's question, I would say that threat of exposure/public knowledge is what makes me feel most vulnerable.

 

[Shadowsdream]

My boys all have one fantasy (all have tasted the reality) of being in a room full of My Dominant Women friends and having to serve and obey while being objectified used and humiliated in one way or another...any of you boys have the same fantasy or reality to discuss with Me?

 

[fergus4]

My boys all have one fantasy (all have tasted the reality) of being in a room full of My Dominant Women friends and having to serve and obey while being objectified used and humiliated in one way or another...any of you boys have the same fantasy or reality to discuss with Me?

yes, i have had that fantasy, but as a novice, i think i would need to work up to something like that with one-on-one sessions first.

fergus

 

[onceburned]

My boys all have one fantasy (all have tasted the reality) of being in a room full of My Dominant Women friends

Oh heavens, who wouldn't enjoy something such as this? I would feel vulnerable to be in a social situation where I was 'out'. And I would feel off-balance and a bit overwhelmed by the endless need for attention to each domme, to respond to her needs or requests without delay. And then I would feel a delicious fear when two or more of them conspired as to what they might do to me.

Never experienced it though.

 

[roosterado9]

I'm curious to hear what male submissives find makes them feel most vulnerable:

Bondage
Pain
Humiliation

(or, something else, if there is a category I am missing). Why does it affect you in that way?


Akasha

What makes this newly admitted sub most vunerable is his Dependence on his female romatic partner for his well being,All my adult life if I thought the relationship I needed was going well I was happy if I thought it was ending I felt desperate. Of course they always ened[followed by a few yrs of no raltionships]over and over again 49 now still happening

 

[AAkasha]

What makes this newly admitted sub most vunerable is his Dependence on his female romatic partner for his well being,All my adult life if I thought the relationship I needed was going well I was happy if I thought it was ending I felt desperate. Of course they always ened[followed by a few yrs of no raltionships]over and over again 49 now still happening

To clarify my question, I was asking what made submissives feel most vulnerable in a consensual BDSM play situation -- not necessarily in a relationship as a whole. Your fears when relationships were ending are not an indication are you "submissive", and your desperation is not either. These are common feelings people have regarding relationships. Just because you find a dominant woman, connect, and hit it off, and she even makes you "her slave" -- it does not mean you are never at risk to feel the pain of lost love again.

Do you think you are passive?
Or are you submissive?
Or, are you both?

A passive man is one that needs the woman to take the lead and direct the relationship, making the primary decisions, all the way from the time of courting. She asks you out, she makes the first romantic move, she initiates sex. Some men prefer a woman that is in control in that way, because he likes to be more passive in general. He is not terrified of bad choices.

Submissive is entirely different in many ways. If you read more about BDSM, you will find that the men enjoy having their will bent to meet the demands of the woman, either in a play context or in an entire relationship (or a mixture). This often includes acts, sexual and not, that are hard for him to do -- but, he gets a pleasure from being demanded to do it and having to perform for her. There are a host of other things that can be used to describe "submissive" -- but it should not be confused with "passive."

I think often passive, shy men seek dominant women because in their mind she is the ideal safe partner -- he no longer has to fear rejection, or making bad choices. She makes all the choices.

However, in a lot of ways this is a fantasy ideal. Dominant women are not necessarily seeking passive men; and, controlling women are often not dominant.

I hope that makes sense. I think others might be able to clarify. What I am getting at is that your post (and a few others) haven't seemed to be about BDSM to me.

Akasha

 

[roosterado9]

I really thank-you for the indepth answer.It gives me alot to think about

 

[Aeroil]

My boys all have one fantasy (all have tasted the reality) of being in a room full of My Dominant Women friends and having to serve and obey while being objectified used and humiliated in one way or another...any of you boys have the same fantasy or reality to discuss with Me?

hah, if I could muster the courage to go through with it I would probably enjoy it. Of course that's assuming it would be my decision.

 

[Shadowsdream]

hah, if I could muster the courage to go through with it I would probably enjoy it. Of course that's assuming it would be my decision.

Of course it wouldn't be your decision ~~grin~~

 

[Aeroil]

Of course it wouldn't be your decision ~~grin~~

hehehe, then, as nervous as I'd be, I'm sure I'd have the time of my life .

 

[roosterado9]

I really thank-you for the indepth answer.It gives me alot to think about

Can a person that constantly feels insecure in romatic relationships alos have switch characteristics? Or is my huge intrest in this subject merely voyuerism?

 

[onceburned]

Can a person that constantly feels insecure in romatic relationships alos have switch characteristics?

This is not something I know anything about so what I am about to type is pure speculation. But I think its possible to have an interest in doing something without having the skillsets to pull it off.

And perhaps we should draw a distinction between dominating someone and topping someone. I think it is possible for someone to be a good top (the dominant partner in a session) and yet be a lousy Dom/me (which is more long-term and relationship based).

 

[Shadowsdream]

Can a person that constantly feels insecure in romatic relationships alos have switch characteristics? Or is my huge intrest in this subject merely voyuerism?

Only you can answer the question...is your huge interest only voyuerism.

Personally I do not see the correlation between romanticism and submission or Domination though both can be romantic. I generally feel that either proclavity is based on more than romance.

No one is right all the time...(shhh don't tell My toys I said that out loud!) So other opinions would be interesting to hear.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Oh heavens, who wouldn't enjoy something such as this? I would feel vulnerable to be in a social situation where I was 'out'. And I would feel off-balance and a bit overwhelmed by the endless need for attention to each domme, to respond to her needs or requests without delay. And then I would feel a delicious fear when two or more of them conspired as to what they might do to me.

Never experienced it though.

~~smile~~ you appear to have the right attitude to get the maximum kick out of such a situation while pleasing your Owner who I would suspect would be proud of your efforts on Her behalf.

Very nice response thank you for participating onceburned

 

[Shadowsdream]

To clarify my question, I was asking what made submissives feel most vulnerable in a consensual BDSM play situation -- not necessarily in a relationship as a whole. Your fears when relationships were ending are not an indication are you "submissive", and your desperation is not either. These are common feelings people have regarding relationships. Just because you find a dominant woman, connect, and hit it off, and she even makes you "her slave" -- it does not mean you are never at risk to feel the pain of lost love again.

Do you think you are passive?
Or are you submissive?
Or, are you both?

A passive man is one that needs the woman to take the lead and direct the relationship, making the primary decisions, all the way from the time of courting. She asks you out, she makes the first romantic move, she initiates sex. Some men prefer a woman that is in control in that way, because he likes to be more passive in general. He is not terrified of bad choices.

Submissive is entirely different in many ways. If you read more about BDSM, you will find that the men enjoy having their will bent to meet the demands of the woman, either in a play context or in an entire relationship (or a mixture). This often includes acts, sexual and not, that are hard for him to do -- but, he gets a pleasure from being demanded to do it and having to perform for her. There are a host of other things that can be used to describe "submissive" -- but it should not be confused with "passive."

I think often passive, shy men seek dominant women because in their mind she is the ideal safe partner -- he no longer has to fear rejection, or making bad choices. She makes all the choices.

However, in a lot of ways this is a fantasy ideal. Dominant women are not necessarily seeking passive men; and, controlling women are often not dominant.

I hope that makes sense. I think others might be able to clarify. What I am getting at is that your post (and a few others) haven't seemed to be about BDSM to me.

Akasha

This is a wonderful concise post Akasha thank You for the indepth look into the passive side of personalities that many mistake for submission. I have no doubt that anyone realizing its significance will derive a great value from Your persepctive.

 

[onceburned]

Thank you for the compliments, Shadowsdream. I am new here and am just getting to know folks. But your questions and comments show an intelligence and creativity which must be a delight to those who serve you.

 

[SweetDommes]

Thank you for the compliments, Shadowsdream. I am new here and am just getting to know folks. But your questions and comments show an intelligence and creativity which must be a delight to those who serve you.

Hey, you already know some of us

And yeah ... SD is a fabulous person to get to know and use as a resource for info (even for those of us who aren't serving her ) ... it's nice to know people who have been in the lifestyle long-term are willing to help those of us who are still starting out.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Thank you for the compliments, Shadowsdream. I am new here and am just getting to know folks. But your questions and comments show an intelligence and creativity which must be a delight to those who serve you.

It is nice to meet you. I hope you will enjoy the opportunity to engage in some very interesting and enlightening conversations here.