Parenting and Kink

[Daddyslilpet]

This week and last week have been shit, I gotta say. I feel like my husband moved out and he's all relieved to be away from me, and I'm stuck dealing with stuff.

{{{{Hugs}}}} I know it's rough!

And my vanilla friends all go, wow, I'm worried about you. You've totally changed. And many of them are smart, perceptive people who just care. So I can't just dismiss them, you know? I'm trying to explain myself and yet maintain some privacy. Privacy without shame and secrecy, you know?

There's nothing wrong with you being allowed to have privacy AND you should never feel shame for wanting your privacy and a bit of secrecy. EVERYONE is entitled to keep certain aspects of their lives to themselves if they so desire and NO ONE should make them feel guilty for it... EVER. Real friends don't put you in that position, they are there for you to hold you up and make sure you don't fall, but not to judge you.

And then my scene friends - well, I'm still trying to figure out who I can trust. And most of them aren't parents, so I'm often having to explain...everything.

Going slowly with making new friends is not necessarily a bad idea at this point in your life. Better to know who you can trust than to risk being burnt further.

And my family wants to know why my husband and I aren't going to counseling, and how much do I say?

You politely tell them that it is your life to live and while you appreciate their concern, you'd appreciate it even more if they wouldn't make things even harder on you than they already are. Families have a way of feeling like it is OK to stick their collective noses in where they don't belong just because they are family, and sometimes we have to gently remind them the this isn't the case. I know, I know... not an easy task, but you can do it... I have faith in you.

Don't worry. These questions need not be answered now. I'm seeing a therapist on Friday! Oy...lol...

I know you said you didn't expect any answers but I hope you don't mind a little advice. My feelings will definitely NOT be hurt should you choose to ignore my advice as I'm sure you are getting plenty of unsolicited advice from your family and friends already, and you barely know me other than some posts and an avatar on here. I just wanted to say again, hang in there!

 

[intothewoods]

To most of those people you can tell them it's private, and then stand by that. Their comes a point where you don't need to bare your whole life to anyone, family or friends.

I hesitate to suggest this, cause I hate shrinks, but have you considered doing a couple of sessions with a kink friendly therapist, on your own? Maybe s/he could help you with your shame issues.

I'm seeing a therapist on Friday. Hooray. I'm going to see how she is about kink in the first visit!

 

[intothewoods]

{{{{Hugs}}}} I know it's rough!



There's nothing wrong with you being allowed to have privacy AND you should never feel shame for wanting your privacy and a bit of secrecy. EVERYONE is entitled to keep certain aspects of their lives to themselves if they so desire and NO ONE should make them feel guilty for it... EVER. Real friends don't put you in that position, they are there for you to hold you up and make sure you don't fall, but not to judge you.

No one makes me feel guilty, or is telling me I'm a bad person. They just tell me when they are concerned, which I think is a hallmark of a good friend. I do want people who call it like they see it.

You politely tell them that it is your life to live and while you appreciate their concern, you'd appreciate it even more if they wouldn't make things even harder on you than they already are. Families have a way of feeling like it is OK to stick their collective noses in where they don't belong just because they are family, and sometimes we have to gently remind them the this isn't the case. I know, I know... not an easy task, but you can do it... I have faith in you.

Yeah, I know I can. I just need to bite the bullet. Thank you though.

I know you said you didn't expect any answers but I hope you don't mind a little advice. My feelings will definitely NOT be hurt should you choose to ignore my advice as I'm sure you are getting plenty of unsolicited advice from your family and friends already, and you barely know me other than some posts and an avatar on here. I just wanted to say again, hang in there!

Thank you, and I absolutely appreciate the advice. I know I will get there.

 

[CutieMouse]

People thought my ex and I should split up for ages before I decided to leave, but they were still surprised and wanted to know why. I think i finally boiled it down to "We're both good people, but after trying really really hard, I feel we are unable to be truly happy together. So instead of contributing to a marriage that will slowly die, or risk my own integrity, I've chosen to end things. I will do everything in my power to have as respectful and peaceful a divorce as possible, and maintain a mature and civil relationship with ___ for the children's sake."

People don't need to know there was a sexual incompatability or that you are kinky. I found explaining things in a manner that diffused the typical "That rat bastard!" manner, while setting boundaries (I'll discuss the why in a general way, but the details are private), helped a lot.

Oh and as an afterthought - it's been a few years, and I still occasionally get slammed (usually by strangers) for *gasp* leaving my husband a few months after baby #5 was born, and *gasp gasp* deciding to give him primary custody a year later. There will always be people who think I'm a horrible person for those decisions, but I still believe they were the right decisions to make.

 

[bholderman]

I havent read all the replies and should probably do so. Is the inquiry in regards to the kids knowing whats going in the bedroom or not?

Personally, I dont think kinkiness can directly affect child rearing, unless its so overwhelming and winds up affecting either your treatment of the kids, or they are directly exposed to the sexual activity.

Being a parent, and having to tiptoe around rapidly growing children, my 2 cents

Well, apparently my husband presented "data" to the coparenting counselor.

I don't know what the subject of this data is, except that thankfully it's not personal.

Could be: bdsm, group sex/swinging, internet relationships, internet addiction ...?

Wow. So I'm a masochistic slut internet whore? Fun times.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm a realist. I try very hard to get at the reality of things. Knowing is the best defense there is.

Do people on this board have a good idea of how the BDSM lifestyle plays with the general public?

I took a sample of opinion on the internet, and BDSM doesnt play well. I mean, there are professional articles painting all of us as freaks & monsters, legal opinions enough to ruin your day, not to mention the low opinion Vanilla-America has.

Are people aware of this?

A woman I was fond of hauled ass for the hills when I sent her a story where a woman got some carpet burns and finger-marks from fucking on the floor. She came unwrapped from THAT!

 

[CutieMouse]

What exactly is your point, Mr. Johnson?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My point Ms Mouse is: How much self-awareness do we have?

Like it or dont, Mr & Ms. America dont get BDSM.

Is this a revelation for you?

 

[CutieMouse]

My point Ms Mouse is: How much self-awareness do we have?

Like it or dont, Mr & Ms. America dont get BDSM.

Is this a revelation for you?

No it isn't; however, I do believe it is possible for divorcing couples to reach a place of neutrailty regarding their seperate, private lives - with the understanding that each party's primary goal should be a healthy environment for the child[ren]. I also believe ITW is quite well aware of the "stir" her choices have caused amogst "Mr. & Mrs. America, given that she is currently dealing with the aftermath of said decisions, and I'm sure she will make the best choices for herself, her child, and her soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

Mr. & Mrs. America may not like kink, they may be in denial of kink, they may feel kink makes one a bad parent, but that does not mean it is impossible to reach a civilized agreement to keep one's private life private, and continue to co-parent after divorce.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ms.Mouse

I dont dispute your sentiments at all. I never disputed your sentiments. It does seem to me, however, that we forget that BDSM is a bit beyond exotic in most people's minds. I imagine many people think we're cannibals, too.

 

[CutieMouse]

Ms.Mouse

I dont dispute your sentiments at all. I never disputed your sentiments. It does seem to me, however, that we forget that BDSM is a bit beyond exotic in most people's minds. I imagine many people think we're cannibals, too.

... and with that, the point you attempted to make initially, is clarified. Thank you.

If ITW wasn't aware of the exotic nature of her interests or concerned with how to communicate her non-cannibal status, I doubt she'd have started the thread.