Pondering serious thoughts here..

[Guest]

*hugs Mistress tight, kissing her forehead*

(If that offends you, please understand it is a gesture of care and protection, not sexual in any way)

Sweetie, my pm box is always open. Always.

Thank you Babygirl.... You didn't offend me .

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Pondering serious thoughts here..

Hmmm...yes, I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused for the first 12 years of my life. It has affected almost everything i have done in my life. I am not drawn to men that much due to my earlier experiences (since all of it was by the male adult in my household). I do believe that the reason i crave extreme pain is because of the physical abuse and yet, since it is a turn on for me, I doubt if that will ever change. However, i do not use my earlier life experiences as a reason to cry, moan and mumble about my life. I chose to become what i am..based on what my life experience had taught me..ie that love and pain go hand in hand...that men are fun to play with but women are where i should get my emotional and mental fulfillment and that i am happiest when giving way to someone physically and emotionally stronger than me. I feel that no matter what some people say to the contrary, there are just some things You can not live down...so instead of trying to...find away to make them an integral part of You and take them from being Dirty to something that is Pure (if not neccesarily clean) Thanks for asking such a great question.

Long time no see. Thank you for replying . I'm not trying to come across as in pain even though there is a lil still there . I just wish to know how it all affects every one on a day to day basis and how it affects their sexual choices . I have gotten some very very good answers!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Re: Re: Re: Pondering serious thoughts here..

Long time no see. Thank you for replying . I'm not trying to come across as in pain even though there is a lil still there . I just wish to know how it all affects every one on a day to day basis and how it affects their sexual choices . I have gotten some very very good answers!

sweetness, there will always be pain...anyone who has ever had to deal with that feeling of complete helplessness knows this. My point was only this..that you can either curl up and die or take what was done to You and purify it somehow...and btw...how ya doing? You are still the sweetest wet rainy one on the how to boards!!!!

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Pondering serious thoughts here..

sweetness, there will always be pain...anyone who has ever had to deal with that feeling of complete helplessness knows this. My point was only this..that you can either curl up and die or take what was done to You and purify it somehow...and btw...how ya doing? You are still the sweetest wet rainy one on the how to boards!!!!

Thank you ! *blush*

 

[jenlovesamy]

jenlovesamy:

"it only happened once anyway"

I'm sorry... just reading that.. it... struck a chord.. but I don't know what kind.. makes me a bit angry... like you're playing down what happened... and yet... it's good that you've moved on...

weird.. I just don't know how to put words to that emotion that those words brought up.

The thing is it took a good 15 years to come to terms with it and it took that long to feel comfortable around him and to forgive him. The thing is, I know the person he is now would not remember doing it, he's not the same person he was then, and telling him about it now would only hurt kill him. Life is funny. Now if I could find the person inside me that I was suppose to be, maybe I could move on...

 

[SexyChele]

MisstressRain, jenlovesamy, and apet4you - you all have my admiration as well as a virtual *hug* for each.

Working where I do, I see the effects of abuse to children day in and day out. Although all forms of abuse are damaging (looking towards the self-adminitions of Vix and plasma), sexual abuse of a child is considered the worst of the worse. Why? Because this type of abuse is the most difficult to detect, the most difficult to deal with, and affects a child well into adulthood. Most children who are sexually abused, such as MistressRain, are embarassed and afraid and are typically told not to tell. Parents might have a vague idea of what could possibly be happening, but normally wish to ignore those feelings. Many times, these children grow up with an inability to to effectively have intimate relationships with others. Those that do always amaze me with their courage. (And yes, it does take courage to overcome!) However, the most frightening aspect is the fact that there are a lot of victims of abuse who will abuse once they are parents. Not always, not everytime, not everyone. But it truly is frightening when we get reports of abuse, and discover that mom was abused as well when she was a child.

Not that I think anyone here needs this, but just to throw this out to anyone who might be lurking. If some one suffered abuse as a child, they are a victim. Children have no say in how they are treated. They are society's most vulnerable resources. A child who is 5 cannot overpower some one who is abusing them. Whether that abuse be sexual, physical, emotional, or neglect. They are at the mercy of the adults in their lives, until or unless they reach the age of maturity and are able to separate from the situation. If anyone reading this has been a victim of child abuse and feel it is causing problems for them as an adult, they can seek out counseling. Therapists now are understanding that adult victims of child abuse many times cannot just "get over it" or "put it in the past". It's deeper than that. And far more ruinious, as children typically have a strong need/desire to trust those adults in charge of their lives. Again, to anyone who might be lurking, if you don't think you can afford counseling, contact your county health services. Almost all counties have some form of counseling available on a sliding scale. For many it is free.

Periodically, I visit the home we have that takes children in on a temporary basis until we can place them safely. Many of these children have experienced abuse for extended periods of time, and it shows. A 2 year old should be shy and afraid of me as a stranger. Yet, these children will come running to me in search of a hug or just to hold their hand. They are starved. Many young women and men have difficulty understanding their roles as sexual beings because of the abuse suffered by both. (And yes, boys are abused sexually, too.)

Okay, this is longer than I had intended and I apologize for that. I'm going to get down off my soapbox now, I promise! However, if anyone needs to talk, or if they need to find resources in their states, feel free to contact me.

Thanks, MistressRain, for starting this thread. Hopefully some will come to a healing through this.

 

[Guest]

Now if I could find the person inside me that I was suppose to be, maybe I could move on...

you already know jen. You just may be afraid of what you may become. As you read this i bet your head is already thinking of what you should become. Its always the first thing that pops into your head when you read something like this. It is up to change into that person. The person who you are now makes you comfortable and sorta safe. I understand, its rather not easy. It will be easier for you because you can admit this stuff. Moving on is not has hard as it seems. trust me.

 

[Guest]

you already know jen. You just may be afraid of what you may become. As you read this i bet your head is already thinking of what you should become. Its always the first thing that pops into your head when you read something like this. It is up to change into that person. The person who you are now makes you comfortable and sorta safe. I understand, its rather not easy. It will be easier for you because you can admit this stuff. Moving on is not has hard as it seems. trust me.

Thank you Chele for your kind insights . And yes Plasma .... There are times I get scared this way as well....And the crying .. sometimes I'm kind of afraid to for fear it will never stop. SO I have no choice but to try my damnedest to be strong . Sometimes out of nowhere it creeps up and hits you all over again .

 

[Guest]

oh i totally understand. Depression does that to me every so often now. Mostly when i am alone. And now i am going to bed..............night all

 

[jenlovesamy]

Mistress, out of curiousity, how old are you?

 

[Guest]

Mistress, out of curiousity, how old are you?

37 , why sweety?

 

[jenlovesamy]

I was wondering if it was something that had happened recently or something. Mine was more than 20 years ago and I've had a long time to get over it, of course, mine was only once too, so that must have had alot to do with it as well. I really hope you're going to be ok. If you ever want to talk, my pm box is always open, and that leads to other messengers, ok? *smooch*

 

[Guest]

I was wondering if it was something that had happened recently or something. Mine was more than 20 years ago and I've had a long time to get over it, of course, mine was only once too, so that must have had alot to do with it as well. I really hope you're going to be ok. If you ever want to talk, my pm box is always open, and that leads to other messengers, ok? *smooch*

you are soooo kind sweety ... Thank you so much!
I didn't wish to however turn this into something about me , but hope that people would come out and share there stories and feelings with us .

 

[jenlovesamy]

I know, I'm just putting it out there...

 

[Guest]

*~ Bump ~*

 

[Guest]

 

[SlickTony]

I must say, MistressRain, that I am impressed that you came out of such a horrific childhood in a relatively unfuckedup condition.

I did not suffer any sexual abuse as a child, but I would say that my parents emotionally abused me, especially my mother. I don't see how that can fail to affect someone's attitudes about sex and their choice of partners.

The relationship I had with my mother was so adversarial that I feel that it amounted to abuse. So, you grow up with at least one parent who is hypercritical, verbally abusive, has a hair-trigger temper, and very repressed/repressive attitudes towards sex...and then you marry (at least the first time) someone who is big! fucking! surprise! hypercritical, verbally abusive, with a hair-trigger temper and (it turns out) very repressed/repressive attitudes towards sex. Geez louise--where do you suppose that came out of?

Also, I feel that my parents were undergoing a certain amount of sexual conflict that spilled out onto us in strange, nondirect ways. Of course, if I would have asked them about it, they'd have said something like "Hogwash!" and expected me to believe it wasn't true just because they said it wasn't true.

 

[Guest]

I must say, MistressRain, that I am impressed that you came out of such a horrific childhood in a relatively unfuckedup condition.

I did not suffer any sexual abuse as a child, but I would say that my parents emotionally abused me, especially my mother. I don't see how that can fail to affect someone's attitudes about sex and their choice of partners.

The relationship I had with my mother was so adversarial that I feel that it amounted to abuse. So, you grow up with at least one parent who is hypercritical, verbally abusive, has a hair-trigger temper, and very repressed/repressive attitudes towards sex...and then you marry (at least the first time) someone who is big! fucking! surprise! hypercritical, verbally abusive, with a hair-trigger temper and (it turns out) very repressed/repressive attitudes towards sex. Geez louise--where do you suppose that came out of?

Also, I feel that my parents were undergoing a certain amount of sexual conflict that spilled out onto us in strange, nondirect ways. Of course, if I would have asked them about it, they'd have said something like "Hogwash!" and expected me to believe it wasn't true just because they said it wasn't true.

This kind of abuse is just as bad .... abuse is abuse in my eyes ... words and attitude toward a child growing and seeking love and acceptance from a parent and getting the exact opposite is extremely detrimental . And for the record ... I had the same kind of relationship whenever my mom was around . When she was around. I think you're wonderful too. Thank you for sharing this with me and everyone here.

 

[appetite]

my compliments to you for starting this thread. So much happens in our past that affects us. mine was losing my dad at 9, and not having a good father role model. But the children felt love, and the importance of showing their love.

 

[Guest]

my compliments to you for starting this thread. So much happens in our past that affects us. mine was losing my dad at 9, and not having a good father role model. But the children felt love, and the importance of showing their love.

Thank you Appetite.....

 

[SuperShyGuy]

For whatever reason I hadn't stumbled upon this thread before. It's brilliant, thanks to MisstressRain for starting it.

No I was never physically abused or sexually abused as a child. But meantally I took much more than my share through either redicule (from classmates) or just plain neglect (from mom). There's no question it has affected me deeply in all things including relationships and sex.

I'm 21, turning 22 next month and I've never been in a real relatonship, simply because I find it so very difficult to place trust in anybody other than myself. The closest I've had to a real relationship is an online one I have currently with an absolutly wonderful young woman. But even with her I find myself questioning her on why she says certain (nice) things to me, or why she isn't treating me like less than her. That has to say something fairly profound.

There is no question in my mind the abuse I suffered (mostly at the hands of my lovely classmates in my school years) has for lack of a better term left me one fucked up mofo. In truth I barely leave the house save to go to a couple of locations, and I am not employed nor have I been able to hold work since graduating from high school. I simply cannot stand to be around people in personal settings, I don't trust them at all. In the back of my mind I can feel "them" waiting to hurt me again.

It also doesn't help that in general the people around me in life seem completly non-understanding of what I went through did to me. They have the general "just get over it" theory going on. Fuck you, I'm busy staying strong enough to not try and kill myself again. Now thankfully the aforementioned young woman I have an online relationship with seems to have real understanding of me (she has experienced her own pains in life) and she is helping me in ways I never knew possible. Hopefully my life has begun to turn the corner towards light and away from darkness.

Thanks for giving me a forum to vent this stuff. Rain, you are one of a kind.

 

[Mstrskey]

I thought long and hard before responding to this one

No I was never sexually abused by my parents, my father having passed when I was very young and my mother being to fucked up 80% of the time to find the energy to even dress me much less molest.

My parents seperated when I was about 5, and my father passed about a year later. My father couldn't handle my mothers drug addiction or her constant irresponsibilty and so he left. My anger with him was that he didn't take me with him. He knew how screwed up she was and still left his only child in her care. I think I to this day have no trust in a mans ability to handle children based on his walking away from me and leaving me to what he did. I have always liked to think had he not died he would have eventually taken me away from my mother and things would have been different.
As for my mother, she was a drug addict and to put it politley a whore. When she got high she was all over any man like a cheap suit. She was also a useless fucking excuse for a mother. She managed to turn up pregnant by some man whose name she couldn't even remember. This is what finally drove my father to leave. She used throughout her pregnancy and when she had my brother he was premature and sickly. A high demand baby for anyone but doubly so for a drug addict. I would be awakened in the middle of the night by my brother howling to be fed and my mother passed out in her room. When I woke her she would scream at me that if I was so bothered by it I should take care of him.
At 6 I became fully responsible for raising my brother. I dressed him, cleaned him, fed him and bathed him. When she found me to be capable of that she gave up on me completely. I would come home from school and find her asleep and my brother playing in his own shit and yowling for attention.
By the time I was 13 I was more adept at childrearing then she had ever been. I also began filling out welfare applications and tricking her into signing her name to them. I would then take her foodstamps and go grocery shopping for us and cook the meals. I did not play, I did not participate in school activities. My world became taking care of myself and my brother. That was also the year that I had a wonderful teacher who took an interest in the quiet girl who sat in the back of his class and all to often wore clothes that barely fit and had hair that needed washing. The skinny girl who always seemed to afraid to speak. By then I had begun to spiral into bulemia and was in the early stages of my own amphetemine addiction.
This teacher called my mother in for a few meetings and when she never showed called child protective services to investigate my home. My brother and I were both removed and sent to live with our grandmother and my mother was ordered into drug rehab.

So how did this effect me? Well socially I've always been a bit of a loner. I've spent much of my life self reliant and leary of depending on others. It makes me distant and sometimes abrasive. A hard person to get close to. Sexually...? Well sexually I've always had problems sharing myself openly. I didn't have an easy time opening up to my partners or letting them take the lead or initiate. I've always had to be in control sexually, socially, emotionally.

When I became a mother myself I found what little forgiveness I had given my mother suddenly coming into question. I knew I could never ask of my daughters what had been asked of me. Could never rob them of their childhood as mine had been robbed. But then my mother wrote me a letter in which she asked me to forgive her for what she had done. Asked me to try and accept that drug free she was not the woman she was while she was using and that I could never curse her as much as she did herself. It has taken much time and therapy, but my mother and I have finally come to a tentative friendship. We will never have a traditional mother/child relationship, but as adult women we have learned to accept the past and move past it.

Sorry about the long post, I didn't mean to ramble, but I hope this answers your question.

 

[Guest]

For whatever reason I hadn't stumbled upon this thread before. It's brilliant, thanks to MisstressRain for starting it.

No I was never physically abused or sexually abused as a child. But meantally I took much more than my share through either redicule (from classmates) or just plain neglect (from mom). There's no question it has affected me deeply in all things including relationships and sex.

I'm 21, turning 22 next month and I've never been in a real relatonship, simply because I find it so very difficult to place trust in anybody other than myself. The closest I've had to a real relationship is an online one I have currently with an absolutly wonderful young woman. But even with her I find myself questioning her on why she says certain (nice) things to me, or why she isn't treating me like less than her. That has to say something fairly profound.

There is no question in my mind the abuse I suffered (mostly at the hands of my lovely classmates in my school years) has for lack of a better term left me one fucked up mofo. In truth I barely leave the house save to go to a couple of locations, and I am not employed nor have I been able to hold work since graduating from high school. I simply cannot stand to be around people in personal settings, I don't trust them at all. In the back of my mind I can feel "them" waiting to hurt me again.

It also doesn't help that in general the people around me in life seem completly non-understanding of what I went through did to me. They have the general "just get over it" theory going on. Fuck you, I'm busy staying strong enough to not try and kill myself again. Now thankfully the aforementioned young woman I have an online relationship with seems to have real understanding of me (she has experienced her own pains in life) and she is helping me in ways I never knew possible. Hopefully my life has begun to turn the corner towards light and away from darkness.

Thanks for giving me a forum to vent this stuff. Rain, you are one of a kind.

It's sad that people have to be this way and then wonder later in life why people go on shooting rampages, kill their friends or family . Or kill themselves. Our society as a whole for compassion simply put ... SUCKS!
But there are people out there with great hearts. I know in order to find that love , kindness , compassion from anyone , that you sometimes need to take a chance and put yourself out there.
I have always felt that I would treat people with kindness no matter how mean , cold or indifferent they were ... even on my worst day . Hoping that one day when they were at there worst and realizing just how bad things are and maybe how badly they have treated people ... that they would look back and remember those that have tried to be kind to them .... and change. Silly , corny , and maybe extremely sappy to some I know ...But it always come back to you ... always ...whether bad or good. SuperShy... You have always been kind to me , sweet and very respectful.... you will always have a friend in me ... Thank you too for sharing this .
Side note.. the people that act this way in highschool ... usually are the ones ( in my opinion anyway ) that raise their children to be mean and hateful and prejudicial as well . And I realize this statement is as well. But I have lived it and seen it... but like I said JMO.

 

[Guest]

Re: I thought long and hard before responding to this one

No I was never sexually abused by my parents, my father having passed when I was very young and my mother being to fucked up 80% of the time to find the energy to even dress me much less molest.

My parents seperated when I was about 5, and my father passed about a year later. My father couldn't handle my mothers drug addiction or her constant irresponsibilty and so he left. My anger with him was that he didn't take me with him. He knew how screwed up she was and still left his only child in her care. I think I to this day have no trust in a mans ability to handle children based on his walking away from me and leaving me to what he did. I have always liked to think had he not died he would have eventually taken me away from my mother and things would have been different.
As for my mother, she was a drug addict and to put it politley a whore. When she got high she was all over any man like a cheap suit. She was also a useless fucking excuse for a mother. She managed to turn up pregnant by some man whose name she couldn't even remember. This is what finally drove my father to leave. She used throughout her pregnancy and when she had my brother he was premature and sickly. A high demand baby for anyone but doubly so for a drug addict. I would be awakened in the middle of the night by my brother howling to be fed and my mother passed out in her room. When I woke her she would scream at me that if I was so bothered by it I should take care of him.
At 6 I became fully responsible for raising my brother. I dressed him, cleaned him, fed him and bathed him. When she found me to be capable of that she gave up on me completely. I would come home from school and find her asleep and my brother playing in his own shit and yowling for attention.
By the time I was 13 I was more adept at childrearing then she had ever been. I also began filling out welfare applications and tricking her into signing her name to them. I would then take her foodstamps and go grocery shopping for us and cook the meals. I did not play, I did not participate in school activities. My world became taking care of myself and my brother. That was also the year that I had a wonderful teacher who took an interest in the quiet girl who sat in the back of his class and all to often wore clothes that barely fit and had hair that needed washing. The skinny girl who always seemed to afraid to speak. By then I had begun to spiral into bulemia and was in the early stages of my own amphetemine addiction.
This teacher called my mother in for a few meetings and when she never showed called child protective services to investigate my home. My brother and I were both removed and sent to live with our grandmother and my mother was ordered into drug rehab.

So how did this effect me? Well socially I've always been a bit of a loner. I've spent much of my life self reliant and leary of depending on others. It makes me distant and sometimes abrasive. A hard person to get close to. Sexually...? Well sexually I've always had problems sharing myself openly. I didn't have an easy time opening up to my partners or letting them take the lead or initiate. I've always had to be in control sexually, socially, emotionally.

When I became a mother myself I found what little forgiveness I had given my mother suddenly coming into question. I knew I could never ask of my daughters what had been asked of me. Could never rob them of their childhood as mine had been robbed. But then my mother wrote me a letter in which she asked me to forgive her for what she had done. Asked me to try and accept that drug free she was not the woman she was while she was using and that I could never curse her as much as she did herself. It has taken much time and therapy, but my mother and I have finally come to a tentative friendship. We will never have a traditional mother/child relationship, but as adult women we have learned to accept the past and move past it.

Sorry about the long post, I didn't mean to ramble, but I hope this answers your question.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mstrskey}}}}}}}}}}}}} Wow .... thank you . My oldest sister went through pretty much the same thing , raising my lil sis and I. I felt for her ... no one should have to raise their siblings when a parent makes the fuck up. My mom did drugs and alcohol and thinks it's an excuse for what happened to me. She eventually lost all of us. Only to have me later return because I felt sorry for her because no one else wanted to be near her. Stupid me . I'm sorry that you had to go through all that . I hope with all my heart that your brother is well also . You are a blessing.

 

[Guest]

SuperShyGuy --

i totally know what you are going through, but yeah i found there comes a time where you have to let it go. If you worry about people hurting you. then people will hurt you. Then you won't be able to trust someone. You are already going into a situation where you don't give the other person a chance.

I don't trust people either, but at least i give them one strike. Most blow it, but i am not setting myself up for the crapper. Get a bloody job would you. It doesn't help by not having a job. People are not out to get you. Yes i agree you have to get over this.

i'm 22 and the fact that you can feel people wanting to hurt you. Where do you get that one. I am serious. Look i am not trying to be mean,but you need help. That girl is not the answer. Staying in is not the answer. Getting a job, even 15 hrs a week is better than nothing.

And those people in high school who made you feel like shit, most likely thats all they had. High school was there high life. Hey i was made fun of to. But you know what i would make fun of them back. They where pt off by it. There threats Are hollow. First get over your high school life. You are out of it 22 and high should mean nothing to you.

Good luck i must shower.