Pondering serious thoughts here..

[jenlovesamy]

If you think it will help Rain, then do it.

 

[Guest]

I mean using this place as a venting board to tell those who have wronged you but will never see it

I don't see the point because the people who have wronged me don't care about their actions or have forgotten what they did.
Also, I have done a few shitty things so maybe its karma.

 

[Guest]

Here goes .....

I hope others follow suit....




For you Mom ......
I'm writing this to you as a mother myself and wondering how you could have done the things you did to me and my brother and sisters as we were growing .
Wondering as an adult night after night , how you could take care of one child , have it with you all the time and take care of it wonderfully ( how you managed this feat , I will never know) , and let three others flounder and go by the wayside . How you could let me sit in the shadows all the time and be so close yet so far away so as to let a man harm me in the most insidious ways .
When I would be lying there sleeping , only to wake and find him touching me , I could hear you and others laughing downstairs , crying inside and wondering why I wasn't important enough to you for you to come check on me as I lay sleeping . To save me . Why Mom ? Why couldn't you? How I could be in a room full of people and he managed to do all he did and no one noticed ..... Not even you!!!
I never felt I belonged , never loved . I hate you for this . Hate all you stand for . I hate you for leaving me alone night after night .... fending for myself , always scared . You were never there . Always out drinking , doing God knows what . Dad , well , you took care of that didn't you? When I tell you I knew I never belonged .. you proved that by telling me I had a father I never knew ... one who kicked you to the curb for cheating . Lying. So to pay him back .. you ran away with me ... never to let us see one another. I hate you for that as well. A part of me now understands why you let me go ... punishment maybe? For the one who didn't want YOU anymore? So you take it out on me? A child , a baby? Leave her to be used , molested , hurt in ways no living thing deserves?
I would rather kill anyone for doing that or even attempting to do that with my children .
There is so much I have to say ... so many questions for you . One day I know you will pay . It won't be to me ... but you will.
I hope you live a very lonely life . Left all alone to feel as I have ..... it's been a very painful road.

 

[Guest]

I found it therapeutic to put my thoughts down on this board. Felt like I released some and everytime I acknowledge what happened, I forgive a little more, and am easier with everything. Thank you again for starting this thread.

Thank you for understanding ... and thank you for being here.

 

[Guest]

I don't see the point because the people who have wronged me don't care about their actions or have forgotten what they did.

you have got to be kidding me?

oh well on to more serious stuff. Mistress very interesting i will say. Very warm yet so cold. You show there is a longing for something, and a deep hate for this longing. TO hate your mother is not an easy thing. I understand what you are sorta feeling for her. I think a lot of your answers you seek are simple. The simple ones are normally the hardest to say. well At least i find it that way. I hope this helped you out a lot. I would do it but i have already told my mother how i feel to her face. So i do not have to you. Besides i will spare you, because i would get very nasty.

 

[Guest]

plasma, what exactly is your fuckin' problem kid?

 

[Guest]

I honer mistress rains wishes and will ingore that.

 

[appetite]

Re: Here goes .....

Rain, i am personally sadened that this happend in your childhood with your mom. Talking about it helps to work thru and past it. The care and love you now show to your children is evidence of your allowing cleansing and healing for you. You already know that i care and want to help you thru this.

I hope others follow suit....




For you Mom ......
I'm writing this to you as a mother myself and wondering how you could have done the things you did to me and my brother and sisters as we were growing .
Wondering as an adult night after night , how you could take care of one child , have it with you all the time and take care of it wonderfully ( how you managed this feat , I will never know) , and let three others flounder and go by the wayside . How you could let me sit in the shadows all the time and be so close yet so far away so as to let a man harm me in the most insidious ways .
When I would be lying there sleeping , only to wake and find him touching me , I could hear you and others laughing downstairs , crying inside and wondering why I wasn't important enough to you for you to come check on me as I lay sleeping . To save me . Why Mom ? Why couldn't you? How I could be in a room full of people and he managed to do all he did and no one noticed ..... Not even you!!!
I never felt I belonged , never loved . I hate you for this . Hate all you stand for . I hate you for leaving me alone night after night .... fending for myself , always scared . You were never there . Always out drinking , doing God knows what . Dad , well , you took care of that didn't you? When I tell you I knew I never belonged .. you proved that by telling me I had a father I never knew ... one who kicked you to the curb for cheating . Lying. So to pay him back .. you ran away with me ... never to let us see one another. I hate you for that as well. A part of me now understands why you let me go ... punishment maybe? For the one who didn't want YOU anymore? So you take it out on me? A child , a baby? Leave her to be used , molested , hurt in ways no living thing deserves?
I would rather kill anyone for doing that or even attempting to do that with my children .
There is so much I have to say ... so many questions for you . One day I know you will pay . It won't be to me ... but you will.
I hope you live a very lonely life . Left all alone to feel as I have ..... it's been a very painful road.

 

[Guest]

Thanks Guys for caring and the replies . I had hoped that others would be able to vent too ,if I took the first leap. Please don't be afraid.



AND NO MORE FIGHTING!

 

[hook848]

Origionally posted by SuperShyGuy.
There is no question in my mind the abuse I suffered (mostly at the hands of my lovely classmates in my school years) has for lack of a better term left me one fucked up mofo. In truth I barely leave the house save to go to a couple of locations

SuperShyGuy,

I've been reading this thread since it was first posted and was reluctant to post. But I can relate to the pain you experienced in school. And it definitely had an effect on the choices I make too.

Pain is a strong motivator and people (I) go to great lengths to avoid it. Feeling rejected, unwanted, unpopular, unattractive, unworthy, helpless, you name it, is painful. And to avoid the risk of feeling that pain again we (I) make choices. I'm thirty five now and still make choices based on how painful the outcome MAY be. I have no magic answers but I do have hope. Hope that you (all) will find the strength to overcome your pain.

I thought about venting here, even had my reply typed. But putting it down on "paper" made it seem even worse. And it brought back memories I must have repressed a long time ago.

My hats off to all the brave souls who have shared. Best wishes.

 

[Guest]

SuperShyGuy,

I've been reading this thread since it was first posted and was reluctant to post. But I can relate to the pain you experienced in school. And it definitely had an effect on the choices I make too.

Pain is a strong motivator and people (I) go to great lengths to avoid it. Feeling rejected, unwanted, unpopular, unattractive, unworthy, helpless, you name it, is painful. And to avoid the risk of feeling that pain again we (I) make choices. I'm thirty five now and still make choices based on how painful the outcome MAY be. I have no magic answers but I do have hope. Hope that you (all) will find the strength to overcome your pain.

I thought about venting here, even had my reply typed. But putting it down on "paper" made it seem even worse. And it brought back memories I must have repressed a long time ago.

My hats off to all the brave souls who have shared. Best wishes.

Thank you Hook for sharing and supporting . And you did well just sharing what you did . It means alot.

 

[SuperShyGuy]

Thanks for your words of support, hook848. At first I was reluctant to post as well. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that what I went through is anything like what Rain went through for instance. But my pain is still real, at least to me and it was good to post here. I'm finally finding people who I can talk about it with, and it really does help. I'm finally finding what I never had before, which is some real support from people around me, quite a few of whom I met here. For me I know it's been good to talk about this. For some perhaps it wouldn't be as helpful. But I'm glad I posted, and I'm glad I've also found someone who is capable of understanding what I went through, and talking with her about all things has been endlessly helpful. I don't expect that the pain ever goes away, I'm not just going to wake up one morning and forget everything that heppened. But that which does not kill me makes me stronger. And I guess that should make me pretty strong now.

 

[SlickTony]

I don't see the point because the people who have wronged me don't care about their actions or have forgotten what they did.

Yeah, I've mostly given up on trying to confront my parents on anything they might have done, because I got a similar dusty answer. Or "Why do you insist on living in the past?" or a lofty "I don't remember any such thing happening" (with the implication that her memories are valid, mine aren't).

Mstrsky, no offense, but are you sure you're doing your girls a favor by not only not encouraging them to, but actively discouraging them from participation in ordinary household maintenance? They're in for a world of shock when they get their own places and find they couldn't take the maid with them. Or are you going to come in and clean after that?

 

[Mstrskey]

No Offense taken ...

I know it's not the healthiest thing in the world and thatnkfully that's where their father comes in and sheds some sanity on the subject reminding me that asking my 9 yr. old to set the table in no way equates to my mothers asking me to purchase,prepare, and clean up the families meals. He will try and talk sense into me by explaining that asking a child to keep her room in order isn't the same as asking her to do the household work of laundry, dishes, etc. etc.

I do have them clean up but my daughters learned long ago that a tearful, " It's to hard mommy" will have me in there finishing the job for them. Like I said though, generally that's when Dad sends me out of the room and sits there glaring until the work gets done.
They do have it easy though, and I fight every day to try and make myself give them more responsibility, but it's almost painfully hard on me to be honest to even watch my oldest lug her laundry hamper down to the basement. I can always hear my mothers voice ringing down the stairs after my own 9 yr. old self telling me to " get off your ass girl and do something to make it worth my while to support you." Every time I get on her or her sister to move with a purpouse on their rooms I can hear my mother screaming from her spot on the sofa that " This isn't a goddamn hotel you know. I don't recall room service being offered and I sure as hell don't remember owning a damn maids uniform."
The fear of my life when I became a mother was that I would become MY mother. It's a demon that haunts me every day and that's what makes it so hard to crack down on my own kids. I know it's not the smartest thing to do for them, and I try every day to change and do what's right for them but it's not an easy transition to make.

 

[Guest]

Thank you both for responding and keeping this going ... I hope you both had a great day

 

[Guest]

Can you see
The honest questions in my heart at this hour?
I'm opening like a flower in the rain
And do you know
The silent sorrows of a
never ending journey through the pain?

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day?
A day?
Do you wonder what's in store for me?
The cure for me?
The way?

Oh look down and see the tears I've cried
The lives I've lived
The deaths I've died.
You died them too.
And all for me
And you say :

"I will pour my water down
Upon a thirsty barren land
And streams will flow from the dust of
Your bruised and broken soul
You will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia
By the streams of living water
You will grow
You will grow"

Do yo uknow
My story from the start?
And do you know me
Like you've always told me?

Do you see
The whispers in my heart against your kindness
My eternal blindness
Do you see?

Do you see another day for me ?
Another day?
A day?
Do you wonder what's in store for me?
The cure for me?
The way?

Oh look down and see the tears I've cried
The lives I've lived
The deaths I've died
You died them too
And all for me
And you say :

"I will pour out my water
Upon a thirsty barren land
And streams will flow from the dust of
Your bruised and broken soul
You will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia
By the streams of living waters
You will grow
You will grow"


( From the CD by Daniel Bedingfield...Gotta get thru this. ( Honest questions)

 

[Guest]

dear you just keep on doing what you need to do.

side note answer you pm would yeah!!!

 

[LoneOne]

My childhood is lost... why, because of all these lovely people I met in my life. I did not suffer from sexual abuse nor physical but mental. I´m a puppet my mother could show to everyone pretending how good she is as a mother, but she isn´t a good mother. She only interferes with my life if her puppet is in danger to lose prestige. I hate her for this... and all the people who went to school with me... you can realy learn to hate people, it´s like making a dog aggresive by poking him to often.
How many times I cried, alone, sitting in the corner of my room... I lost count. I became an informationfreak, that´s the only thing that saved me, know your enemy... you know.
I tried to please everyone for the reason that they will like me but you can´t please everyone and so you get this giggling, laughter and poking.
I hate people making fun of me and I don´t know why, I can´t stand it. Over the years I began to hurt myself, nearly breaking my hands by hitting concrete walls, giving myself bruises etc. no one knows about this.
I consider myself realy fucked up and I have absolutly no clue what to do.

I can understand SuperShyGuy and what he has written, it reminded me of myself, that´s why I´m posting this.
I only have one "friend" if you could call him this way and I´m not going out much. I´m a workaholic, doing nearly everything to shut up my thoughts. As it looks the only difference between what SuperShyGuy has written and my life.

And yes, things that don´t kill us makes us stronger, damn... everyone is telling me their problems in reallife, I´m listening but if I want to tell something they don´t want to hear it. There was only one person in my life that helped me but she vanished.
I wish you luck SuperShyGuy with your special person.

Damn, this looks so confusing, but... to write everything down. All the pain, I think I could fill a whole novel with my damn lost childhood alone.

I think I should rewrite all this above but if I delete it now I will only write something new that even makes less sense than this.
I´m a more vocal / auditiv person so talking about it would be better but for fuck´sake...

 

[Noor]

Loneone- I understand what you are saying. I have been physically and emotional abused and strangely enough the emotional abuse has taken a greater toll on me. Physical abuse seems to heal and you can avoid it in future but you never know when emotional abuse can spring up, even from people who really care about you.

I had to check your profile, your birthdate, because I have had a freind in Germany with a very similiar story to what you have gone through. He did break his hand against a wall once. It freaked me out so much I hopped a plane there and spent long days talking with him until he was calm again. I offered to take him back home with me but he couldn't do it, he had a sibling he was worried about.

I know you are lost but you do need to do something. You can not change your mother, you can only change your reactions to her. You need some therapy, I hope you are able to get it. This is not what life is about, life is to be enjoyed not caught up in hate.

You need to get outside your head, feel pleasant sensations, the warmth of the sun on your skin, the breeze through your hair, the look a pet gives you when you stroke them.

Noor

 

[Alseides]

To everyone who's shared their stories in this thread, I'd like to say thank you, and send you all good wishes for your futures.

Living well is the best revenge.

Alseides

 

[LoneOne]

I know you are lost but you do need to do something. You can not change your mother, you can only change your reactions to her. You need some therapy, I hope you are able to get it. This is not what life is about, life is to be enjoyed not caught up in hate.

You need to get outside your head, feel pleasant sensations, the warmth of the sun on your skin, the breeze through your hair, the look a pet gives you when you stroke them.

Noor

Thanks, the longest journey beginns with one step, I hope I will be able to do this step one day in the future. I know about my situation and that I should consider therapy but "you love the people who hurt you" reflects my relationship with my mother very good. I wouldn´t say love but... you know... What a wonderfull puppet I would be if there would be some doctor who says that I´m in need of therapy, that would destroy her wonderfull "show-around-puppet" I need all my strength to survive, I think SSG has said it perferct

They have the general "just get over it" theory going on. Fuck you, I'm busy staying strong enough to not try and kill myself again

Killing myself was never an option because I´m a good puppet, I don´t do this... ironic isn´t it? That what makes me suffer keeps me alive... and it costs a lot of strength.

I´m an atheist but if there should be a god, I swear I will make him suffer if I get him... and I´m dead serious in this case.

As a kid I was overweight, today I nearly got my "healthy" weight, it is a hard fight for me but I think I only do it to surpress the giggles etc. of other people. The emotional pain, these scars don´t go away. And one more hit and the scar is bleeding again.
Whatever reason they had to laught, you think it was you, you hit yourself, hurt yourself... only for the feeling that you are alife and that you can suffer... suffer pain that is real, not unreal like those stupid feelings you had.

On the other side you try to protect yourself, building up shields, becoming an "Iceman". You become a person without feelings, no not without, fear... rage... hate... these are always with you...
and the other feelings? They are diing... people say hope dies last, no... it dies first. From this point you fear every outcome of your actions, then if you can´t control the situation, life get out of control you getting in rage, not about others... No, about yourself... you torture yourself with thoughts, hurt yourself with raw violence and hate life a little bit more everytime this happens. You are captured in a prison you can´t escape because you don´t let new people come near to you... they were abel to hurt you again.

There is only one thing you hope for, the problem is it´s nearly the same you fear the most. That there comes a person who could know a little bit more about you then everyone else, a person you can trust in.

I... once felt better, but now I finished school and I´m in a phase of depression. My heart has long stopped making desicions and so the great "what´s next?" will be to study. Just another theater to wear new masks...

there are wounds that will never heal, but it´s good to talk about

and Noor, I hope your friend is well

 

[Guest]

Thanks, the longest journey beginns with one step, I hope I will be able to do this step one day in the future. I know about my situation and that I should consider therapy but "you love the people who hurt you" reflects my relationship with my mother very good. I wouldn´t say love but... you know... What a wonderfull puppet I would be if there would be some doctor who says that I´m in need of therapy, that would destroy her wonderfull "show-around-puppet" I need all my strength to survive, I think SSG has said it perferct



Killing myself was never an option because I´m a good puppet, I don´t do this... ironic isn´t it? That what makes me suffer keeps me alive... and it costs a lot of strength.

I´m an atheist but if there should be a god, I swear I will make him suffer if I get him... and I´m dead serious in this case.

As a kid I was overweight, today I nearly got my "healthy" weight, it is a hard fight for me but I think I only do it to surpress the giggles etc. of other people. The emotional pain, these scars don´t go away. And one more hit and the scar is bleeding again.
Whatever reason they had to laught, you think it was you, you hit yourself, hurt yourself... only for the feeling that you are alife and that you can suffer... suffer pain that is real, not unreal like those stupid feelings you had.

On the other side you try to protect yourself, building up shields, becoming an "Iceman". You become a person without feelings, no not without, fear... rage... hate... these are always with you...
and the other feelings? They are diing... people say hope dies last, no... it dies first. From this point you fear every outcome of your actions, then if you can´t control the situation, life get out of control you getting in rage, not about others... No, about yourself... you torture yourself with thoughts, hurt yourself with raw violence and hate life a little bit more everytime this happens. You are captured in a prison you can´t escape because you don´t let new people come near to you... they were abel to hurt you again.

There is only one thing you hope for, the problem is it´s nearly the same you fear the most. That there comes a person who could know a little bit more about you then everyone else, a person you can trust in.

I... once felt better, but now I finished school and I´m in a phase of depression. My heart has long stopped making desicions and so the great "what´s next?" will be to study. Just another theater to wear new masks...

there are wounds that will never heal, but it´s good to talk about

and Noor, I hope your friend is well

I'm sitting here crying and wondering where to start . A PM is coming your way . I hope you accept it. I wish I could hold you and for just one day and give you a day free of pain and fear and anger and sadness and to let you know , really know that someone does love you.
Rain ~

 

[Mysticcal]

LoneOne, my heart truly aches for you. I also sit here not knowing where to begin, but so wanting to help ease a little of that pain you live with. You aren't alone in this, and you aren't the only one feeling your pain right now. Just reaching out here, putting it all in words, is such a big step.

I have so much I want to share with you, so much empathy for what you are living with, I hope you won't mind if I PM also. Sending you positive energy, hope, and love.

Mysti

 

[submrinedude]

Past pain

First I want to say thanks to Mysticcal, I loved her AV and it just happened to lead me here.
I want to say "I feel your pain" to all those who have posted but I don't think you can ever fully understand someone else's pain. Even if you have been through something similar there are still enough differences in life itself and the way each person deals with it that make it impossible. I was abused by an older half-brother and my half-sister was molested by my father (her step father). My parents split up when I was in fifth grade. My mother still blames her daughter for breaking up her marriage (it's been thirty years). My sister has had problems all her life because of her childhood, but I'll let her tell her story how and when she chooses.
I was fortunate to find the love of my life early and manage to keep her for all these years, her love heals but doesn't understand.
There is no doubt my sexuality is affected by my youth, how could it not be? I have a favorite quote from a positive motivation speaker, "You are where you are and you are who you are because of what goes into your mind." Everything in our lives has an affect on us and being abused is not something small. We have a choice though, we can let the choices made for us in the past rule our future, or we can choose today, each day, what we wish for our future. Choice is a scary thing, the worst of which is not making a choice is still a choice and will still rule our future with the past.

 

[hook848]

Originally posted by LoneOne,
I can understand SuperShyGuy and what he has written, it reminded me of myself, that´s why I´m posting this. I only have one "friend" if you could call him this way and I´m not going out much. I´m a workaholic, doing nearly everything to shut up my thoughts. As it looks the only difference between what SuperShyGuy has written and my life.

I have also used work to hide from my feelings. Being a workaholic comes easy to me. Give me a problem to solve or task to complete and I'll center my life around it. Dwell on it, lose sleep over it. Anything to avoid relating to people on a social level. No time for a social life (could be painful), too much work to do. But this only worked for so long. Eventually I felt accepted for what I could accomplish rather than who I am. To be accepted for who I am, that's what matters.

Originally posted by LoneOne,
There is only one thing you hope for, the problem is it´s nearly the same you fear the most. That there comes a person who could know a little bit more about you then everyone else, a person you can trust in.

By this I assume you me a relationship. One filled with trust, love and intimacy. Someone to let your guard down with? This is what I hope for. So why the fear? Why the fear of what I desire the most? Lack of skills. Building a relationship takes social skills. The kind we learn at an early age and normally continue practicing. But a few classmates rattled my confidence (mildly put) and I chose to quit practicing. Too painful to continue. And lacking these skills I set off own my own. Alone. A loner. Socially inhibited. And the longer I'm alone, the worse it gets. But I still have hope. I'm not sure where I find it but it helps. It helps me choose not to give up.