Question

[catalina_francisco]

I think a deep level of trust and bonding can happen in either a vanilla or D/s relationship, it all depends on the people. I have known some vanilla relationships where nothing and no-one could come between them, and I have known some D/s ones which are the same. What I think I have found personally for myself though is that though I was fairly open in general in previous relationships, I never reached the level of trust I have with F and which goes both ways. That is not because of the D/s as the deciding factor as much as it is the level of commitment. I don't think if we were D/s dating or not in a fully committed relationship which has the promise of a future as opposed to a possible future if all goes well, that I could have reached this level. I am just not someone who can open my soul to that level and then the relationship not continue...is part of the reason I decided I was not interested in D/s dating and a possible succession of relationships, but wanted to find the one for me and have him be the only one I submitted to in all ways as his slave. Any other way I would have become jaded, disillusioned and distrustful very fast.

Catalina

 

[Toa_lin]

wow... have I really been keeping up to date on this thread and not thrown my own two cents in yet??... shocking...


then here it is.
My sub, was indeed my girl-friend to start.... it didn't tkae long though for us to talk about becoming a D/s relationship... And yes, it's just a control exchange, adn only in situations we've talked aobut b4 hand that she's okay with doing so... or says a "key word" that signals she's wanting to giv eit up then as well, but not nescesarily always in that situation.

Pretty much, respect adn trust for us are the BIGGEST factors of our relationship, and we are still dating as bf/gf, and te relationship isn't much different then the normal ones, outsid eof the bed-room.

 

[Brandii]

Thanks for all your feedback and helpful advice guys. I've taken all your comments onboard. I continue to read everything I can get my hands on about the BDSM lifestyle and I try to learn something new every single day, which I can utilize to enhance the relationship I have with B. I continue to search for new and exciting ways to be everything he wants me to be in the hope that someday he will see that I am ready to be a sub and he will take his place as my Lord and Master instead of just an online lover [which I'm not knocking, believe me.]

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for all your feedback and helpful advice guys. I've taken all your comments onboard. I continue to read everything I can get my hands on about the BDSM lifestyle and I try to learn something new every single day, which I can utilize to enhance the relationship I have with B. I continue to search for new and exciting ways to be everything he wants me to be in the hope that someday he will see that I am ready to be a sub and he will take his place as my Lord and Master instead of just an online lover [which I'm not knocking, believe me.]

I tend to roll My eyes when hearing about "on line" as real life is the only way to find if or not your after being a Sub or just having a submissive nature. Several years ago I met a possible sub on LIT who had a Master on line & after our first session she knew real life was the only way to fly.

lots of talking, setting limits & above all honesty.

 

[Brandii]

I just found my AV.

I've been wondering what AV I'm going to post under my name when I reach 100 posts [not far away now] and I found a few that I like in the BDSM library and a few that make my stomach tighten in arousal; some of those nude males are HOT...but I'm going for what best describes me at the present time: a kitten who feels safe and secure enough to actually close its eyes and sleep.

 

[Brandii]

Having a major giggle here at the moment.

Just took the kink test for the second time. In 6 months, my kink score has been raised from 152 to WAIT FOR IT:287



ROFLMAO - unbelievable.

 

[Bandit58]

Just took the kink test for the second time. In 6 months, my kink score has been raised from 152 to WAIT FOR IT:287



ROFLMAO - unbelievable.

I took the kink test as if I was still married to my first husband.....I scored just over 100 In 5 years it's now over 600

 

[Brandii]

Way to go, Bandit. Wish B lived here. I'm sure my score would skyrocket.

 

[Brandii]

Anyone want to read my new story. It's already got the coverted big red H, but I just wanted to share it with you all.
I'm feeling insecure, I guess. I want to belong to this section of Lit so much.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id= 293096

 

[Brandii]

Oh No. I lost my Red H: now I'm really depressed.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Anyone want to read my new story. It's already got the coverted big red H, but I just wanted to share it with you all.
I'm feeling insecure, I guess. I want to belong to this section of Lit so much.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id= 293096

what is the 'red H' that you are talking about? and as far as being a part of this lil corner of lit, all it takes is participating in the threads that are going on no need to feel 'insecure'

 

[Brandii]

Rose, the red H signifies that the story is considered HOT by the readers. One needs 10 votes over 4.5 to get this rating. My need to be a considered a good writer is a self esteem issue: before I attempt to do something I need to know I'm going to be good at it [even exceptional.]

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Rose, the red H signifies that the story is considered HOT by the readers. One needs 10 votes over 4.5 to get this rating. My need to be a considered a good writer is a self esteem issue: before I attempt to do something I need to know I'm going to be good at it [even exceptional.]

*smiles* well not everyone is going to like the same kinds of stories, i don't think i'd get too 'depressed' or 'down' if ya don't get a red H....it's all in what people like and since we're all different, it's gonna vary. i started reading your story and from what i read i liked it , haven't had time to go back and finish reading it though, i will.....

 

[Gil_T2]

Way to go, Bandit. Wish B lived here. I'm sure my score would skyrocket.

I was sweet & innocent before meeting BANDIT & got totally corrupted by her.

 

[Gil_T2]

Rose, the red H signifies that the story is considered HOT by the readers. One needs 10 votes over 4.5 to get this rating. My need to be a considered a good writer is a self esteem issue: before I attempt to do something I need to know I'm going to be good at it [even exceptional.]

a friend of ours posted pics of her on LIT for "self esteem issues" & because not many bothered to do much more than look at her pics she thought no one liked them but the count on lookers was huge. not to many guys bother to do more than just read a story or look at pics.

 

[Brandii]

I have another question.

I am by nature both impulsive and impatient. An prime example is, if I really want something to happen and its not happening fast enough for my liking I will try manipulate a situation to make it happen quicker. B recognizes this: he calls it "topping from the bottom,' and says he is willing work with me that way for now.
I am assuming that if I want our relationship to grow [and I do] I will have to stop this practise sometime. I was just wondering [and I'm asking the subs here] how does one just simply WAIT on their Master for what they want... especially when it seems to be taking forever.
and
Is 'topping from the bottom' a signal that I lack trust in that person or deep down, subconsciously, am I just being a brat?

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I am by nature both impulsive and impatient. An prime example is, if I really want something to happen and its not happening fast enough for my liking I will try manipulate a situation to make it happen quicker. B recognizes this: he calls it "topping from the bottom,' and says he is willing work with me that way for now.
I am assuming that if I want our relationship to grow [and I do] I will have to stop this practise sometime. I was just wondering [and I'm asking the subs here] how does one just simply WAIT on their Master for what they want... especially when it seems to be taking forever.
and
Is 'topping from the bottom' a signal that I lack trust in that person or deep down, subconsciously, am I just being a brat?

i think you need to remember that it's about your Dom's pleasure, not yours, and if it's something you WANT then it's up to your Dom when it happens, or if it will happen at all. you have given over control to Him, correct? if there has been a power exchange then it is no longer your place to say 'i want this, and i want it now' if it's something you want, then it's asked for and He makes the decision on whether or not you get it. i don't know many Doms who would be willing to let you continue topping from the bottom if they want a serious D/s relationship, if you are not giving up that control and you're topping from the bottom then what is the point in having this type of relationship?

with that said, in the beginning it was hard for me to remember also, i didn't top from the bottom but He did have to teach me a bit about patience and He did have to 'pull the leash' so to speak to put me back in my place at times, He still does from time to time. it's a journey and it is hard to give up that control, it takes a huge amount of trust in Him that He will do what's best for you. i can't answer and i'm not sure anyone but you can, why you Top from the bottom....that's a question you need to dig into yourself to find the answer....

 

[callinectes]

I am by nature both impulsive and impatient. An prime example is, if I really want something to happen and its not happening fast enough for my liking I will try manipulate a situation to make it happen quicker. B recognizes this: he calls it "topping from the bottom,' and says he is willing work with me that way for now.
I am assuming that if I want our relationship to grow [and I do] I will have to stop this practise sometime. I was just wondering [and I'm asking the subs here] how does one just simply WAIT on their Master for what they want... especially when it seems to be taking forever.
and
Is 'topping from the bottom' a signal that I lack trust in that person or deep down, subconsciously, am I just being a brat?

Well, the subbier than thou crowd will not like my post, but here it is. IMHO, I don't think topping from the bottom means either of those things. If you are "topping from the bottom" it really means you and your Dom are not communcating well outside of scenes. There would be no reason for you to need to push if your needs were being met (yes subs have needs!!) or if you understood your Dom's reasons why X, Y, Z have not happened yet. You might not like those reasons, but if you understand where he is coming from it can help you accept them. Also, keep in mind, a Dom is still just a guy, ya know? (with apologies to our lovely Dommes, just talking from my perspective) He is not an omnipotent God that is always right.

ETA..there are as many different relationship models are there are couples practicing D/s. You and your Dom have to find what suits the two of you.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Well, the subbier than thou crowd will not like my post, but here it is. IMHO, I don't think topping from the bottom means either of those things. If you are "topping from the bottom" it really means you and your Dom are not communcating well outside of scenes. There would be no reason for you to need to push if your needs were being met (yes subs have needs!!) or if you understood your Dom's reasons why X, Y, Z have not happened yet. You might not like those reasons, but if you understand where he is coming from it can help you accept them. Also, keep in mind, a Dom is still just a guy, ya know? (with apologies to our lovely Dommes, just talking from my perspective) He is not an omnipotent God that is always right.

i am not a subbier than thou anything, and i do believe that if you are manipulating a situation to make it so that you get what you want, then that IS topping from the bottom....yes, there is probably a reason for it and it needs to be discussed....in my opinion it's not my 'right' to know why Master has not made X,Y,Z happen yet..it's up to Him when it happens....and He does not have to give me a reason as to why He's taking a while to decide or whatever...does that mean that i don't question? heck no, i question alot but most of the time i get the answer 'because i can' 'because i'm Master' it is hard in the beginning to relinquish all control and that's probably what it stems from....

Brandii, you will learn alot in this journey and you will see that as you grow, things that used to be so hard to do..will become second nature, mine was calling Master, 'Master' i had a VERY hard time with this...He says it was like pulling teeth without Novocain, now however, it's second nature to me, and when i call HIm by His name it sounds and feels foreign. take it slow and learn along the way and you'll be fine and you can always ask questions here good luck to you

 

[callinectes]

i am not a subbier than thou anything, and i do believe that if you are manipulating a situation to make it so that you get what you want, then that IS topping from the bottom....yes, there is probably a reason for it and it needs to be discussed....in my opinion it's not my 'right' to know why Master has not made X,Y,Z happen yet..it's up to Him when it happens....and He does not have to give me a reason as to why He's taking a while to decide or whatever...does that mean that i don't question? heck no, i question alot but most of the time i get the answer 'because i can' 'because i'm Master' it is hard in the beginning to relinquish all control and that's probably what it stems from....

Brandii, you will learn alot in this journey and you will see that as you grow, things that used to be so hard to do..will become second nature, mine was calling Master, 'Master' i had a VERY hard time with this...He says it was like pulling teeth without Novocain, now however, it's second nature to me, and when i call HIm by His name it sounds and feels foreign. take it slow and learn along the way and you'll be fine and you can always ask questions here good luck to you

Rose, I did not say YOU were subbier than thou. You also note I said there is no one model that fits all relationships. If one feels the need to be manipulative, there is a reason, and the failure is not necessarily the bottom's.

You will note, I said there is no one size fits all model for relationships and I think that is the take home message here. What works for you would not work for me, and vice versa. Neither is wrong, they are right within our respective relationships. Brandii and her Dom need to discover their dynamic..which may or may not be that it is her right to know, question, etc.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well, the subbier than thou crowd will not like my post, but here it is. IMHO, I don't think topping from the bottom means either of those things. If you are "topping from the bottom" it really means you and your Dom are not communcating well outside of scenes. There would be no reason for you to need to push if your needs were being met (yes subs have needs!!) or if you understood your Dom's reasons why X, Y, Z have not happened yet. You might not like those reasons, but if you understand where he is coming from it can help you accept them. Also, keep in mind, a Dom is still just a guy, ya know? (with apologies to our lovely Dommes, just talking from my perspective) He is not an omnipotent God that is always right.

ETA..there are as many different relationship models are there are couples practicing D/s. You and your Dom have to find what suits the two of you.

Good point... I had an experience today that really illustrates this. I'd not heard from him for several days and when he's out of town, he usually calls, daily. I finally called him and found out what was happening in his life and why he'd not called and things were fine then but, what he said is really the point...
"You just needed to hear my voice, didn't you? I'm sorry I've been wrapped up in such and such and not called you."

He knows what I need and in this particular case, he had other things in his life that made it hard for him to meet my needs.

In some cases, he knows what I need before I do. And 9 times out of 10, he takes care of it. In taking care of me and my needs, he takes some of his pleasure in this relationship.

On the other hand, not all Doms are like him and to paraphrase callinectes... everyone's different, as is every relationship. You have to find what works for you and your Dom.

 

[Etoile]

I believe there is a difference between asking for something you want, and topping from the bottom. When somebody is topping from the bottom, they are being demanding and putting out ultimatums and not allowing for negotiation. Asking for something you want is simply that: asking. Not demanding, not throwing a fit...just letting it be known that you are hoping for something, and letting the dominant decide what to do about that.

Some dominants like it when their subs beg for something, perhaps you could take that approach to it? I am terrible at begging, I get so embarrassed and don't know what to say, but my Daddy loves it when I beg. In fact I can get pretty much anything I want if I'm willing to beg for it!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Rose, I did not say YOU were subbier than thou. You also note I said there is no one model that fits all relationships. If one feels the need to be manipulative, there is a reason, and the failure is not necessarily the bottom's.

You will note, I said there is no one size fits all model for relationships and I think that is the take home message here. What works for you would not work for me, and vice versa. Neither is wrong, they are right within our respective relationships. Brandii and her Dom need to discover their dynamic..which may or may not be that it is her right to know, question, etc.

i realize you did not say *i* was subbier than thou, but you did say that those who didn't agree were subbier than thou..not in so many words but it was implied anyway...i understand what you are saying and i reiterated it with my post..that if there is manipulation going on, there's a reason for it and it needs to be discussed regardless if it's seen as topping from the bottom or not....as communication is key in every relationship be it D/s or 'nilla....ya know?

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I believe there is a difference between asking for something you want, and topping from the bottom. When somebody is topping from the bottom, they are being demanding and putting out ultimatums and not allowing for negotiation. Asking for something you want is simply that: asking. Not demanding, not throwing a fit...just letting it be known that you are hoping for something, and letting the dominant decide what to do about that.

Some dominants like it when their subs beg for something, perhaps you could take that approach to it? I am terrible at begging, I get so embarrassed and don't know what to say, but my Daddy loves it when I beg. In fact I can get pretty much anything I want if I'm willing to beg for it!

lol same here Etoile...but she said that if she's not getting something she wants, she will manipulate the situation until she gets it..or until it happens..that's what i was saying is Topping from the bottom...and Master loves to hear me beg as well *grins*

 

[Toa_lin]

I believe there is a difference between asking for something you want, and topping from the bottom. When somebody is topping from the bottom, they are being demanding and putting out ultimatums and not allowing for negotiation. Asking for something you want is simply that: asking. Not demanding, not throwing a fit...just letting it be known that you are hoping for something, and letting the dominant decide what to do about that.

Some dominants like it when their subs beg for something, perhaps you could take that approach to it? I am terrible at begging, I get so embarrassed and don't know what to say, but my Daddy loves it when I beg. In fact I can get pretty much anything I want if I'm willing to beg for it!

Indeed, if my pyl wants something, she knows she jsut needs to beg for it... how long she needs to beg b4 I give it to her is up to me though