random musings

[ultramarineblue]

I'm starting to get everything together again. This is going to be a rough week in terms of being busy but it will hopefully be good. Today was fairly productive. If I can continue that throughou remainder of the week it will be good.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It didn't take long for me to fall back into just trying to survive. I guess I don't really know any other way.

 

[cookiecat]

It didn't take long for me to fall back into just trying to survive. I guess I don't really know any other way.

I just mentioned your thread in another post! And here you are.

(The post was just about people who've started their own personal threads - it wasn't anything earth shaking)

Hope you keep your head above water.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I just mentioned your thread in another post! And here you are.

(The post was just about people who've started their own personal threads - it wasn't anything earth shaking)

Hope you keep your head above water.

Thank you. I'll make it. Like for everyone, it's just tough sometimes.

I started this because I had trouble remembering where I had posted something and I needed a place to try to sort out some of my thoughts.

 

[cookiecat]

Thank you. I'll make it. Like for everyone, it's just tough sometimes.

I started this because I had trouble remembering where I had posted something and I needed a place to try to sort out some of my thoughts.

Writing is super cathartic for me - sometimes too much so I don't do it. It's like if I get it out of my head and actually see the words, my feelings become too real. At times, I can't handle it. However, every time I do it, I feel better. Cleansed, maybe???

Anyways. I totally get what you mean about having things all in one place. It's helpful. I wrote a blog during a particularly painful time in my life - it was public. It bothered me at times when people wouldn't comment on something I thought should elicit a response. Or I got hurt when someone commented in a way I didn't like. Then I realized that was selfish on my part. I wasn't writing for other people, just for me. I couldn't control what other people thought.

I haven't gone back to read any of it yet - still too painful. But I'm really glad I have it.

Sorry - didn't mean to make this about me. Glad you have an outlet here. And glad to see you back.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Writing is super cathartic for me - sometimes too much so I don't do it. It's like if I get it out of my head and actually see the words, my feelings become too real. At times, I can't handle it. However, every time I do it, I feel better. Cleansed, maybe???

Anyways. I totally get what you mean about having things all in one place. It's helpful. I wrote a blog during a particularly painful time in my life - it was public. It bothered me at times when people wouldn't comment on something I thought should elicit a response. Or I got hurt when someone commented in a way I didn't like. Then I realized that was selfish on my part. I wasn't writing for other people, just for me. I couldn't control what other people thought.

I haven't gone back to read any of it yet - still too painful. But I'm really glad I have it.

Sorry - didn't mean to make this about me. Glad you have an outlet here. And glad to see you back.

I'm really glad you shared all of this. I completely understand where you're coming from. Feelings aren't rational at all, are they? I like reading about other people's experiences. It's rare that I'm completely unable to relate to it in any way.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I think I probably fall under the doormat classification of submissive. I really wish that I didn't. It is so hard to turn off the need to help anyone that needs it. I give more than I have to give in many ways which isn't healthy at all. I've tried to do better at this by guarding my alone time and trying to keep separate finances but I still pretty much fail at it. I know I've spread myself too thin but I'm not sure what to do about it. I have pulled back from several things and worked really hard to not worry over stuff but the worries creep in from time to time.

There is a part of me that wonders if I was in a relationship if I would do better. Possibly but at the same time there is a part of me that feels it is my responsibility to have all of me in order to actually be able to be in a relationship. I like having rules and deadlines and someone to answer to but while I like those things, is it healthy for me to rely on them or to learn to create what I need myself? Wouldn't it be better to be able to offer my submission without any needs of my own except to please another?

I really struggle with those questions. I don't know the answer for myself and certainly don't know if that answer would even apply to anyone else. I'm really curious what others think about that and what their personal experiences are. The biggest thing is that I ultimately don't want to harm anyone else.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I think I probably fall under the doormat classification of submissive. I really wish that I didn't. It is so hard to turn off the need to help anyone that needs it. I give more than I have to give in many ways which isn't healthy at all. I've tried to do better at this by guarding my alone time and trying to keep separate finances but I still pretty much fail at it. I know I've spread myself too thin but I'm not sure what to do about it. I have pulled back from several things and worked really hard to not worry over stuff but the worries creep in from time to time.

There is a part of me that wonders if I was in a relationship if I would do better. Possibly but at the same time there is a part of me that feels it is my responsibility to have all of me in order to actually be able to be in a relationship. I like having rules and deadlines and someone to answer to but while I like those things, is it healthy for me to rely on them or to learn to create what I need myself? Wouldn't it be better to be able to offer my submission without any needs of my own except to please another?

I really struggle with those questions. I don't know the answer for myself and certainly don't know if that answer would even apply to anyone else. I'm really curious what others think about that and what their personal experiences are. The biggest thing is that I ultimately don't want to harm anyone else.

That doormat thread in Talk was rough.
It’s rough for me.
I was a doormat for a domineering man, but now I am submissive?
I struggled with that.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That doormat thread in Talk was rough.
It’s rough for me.
I was a doormat for a domineering man, but now I am submissive?
I struggled with that.

I remember seeing that thread but I don't think I ever had the courage to open it. It's such a hard thing to reconcile and figure out.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I remember seeing that thread but I don't think I ever had the courage to open it. It's such a hard thing to reconcile and figure out.

It is. There’s a lot of Shame. Not the good kind.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It is. There’s a lot of Shame. Not the good kind.

I completely get what you mean by not the good kind. I've been feeling a lot of the bad kind lately.

 

[ultramarineblue]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=668870
I think I need to read through this soon.

 

[cookiecat]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=668870
I think I need to read through this soon.

ohh! Lots of interesting voices from the past!!!

 

[seela]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=668870
I think I need to read through this soon.

I remember this thread from my days of "lurkage and PMs" and it's resonates strongly. I've read it through a few times over the years, too.

Thanks for the link. I'm going to give it another read. Should be interesting, because I've come to terms with my own doormattishness since the last time I read this.

 

[ultramarineblue]

ohh! Lots of interesting voices from the past!!!

I know!

I remember this thread from my days of "lurkage and PMs" and it's resonates strongly. I've read it through a few times over the years, too.

Thanks for the link. I'm going to give it another read. Should be interesting, because I've come to terms with my own doormattishness since the last time I read this.

I always wanted to comment on threads back then but had so much trouble putting things into words.

May I ask how you were able to come to terms with your own?

 

[seela]

I always wanted to comment on threads back then but had so much trouble putting things into words.

May I ask how you were able to come to terms with your own?

FWIW, I still have trouble putting things into word and as a result don't often post.

I guess it helped me when I realized that I can control my doormatty feelings somewhat and learned how to set boundaries if need be even if I don't necessariliy want to do it or when it doesn't feel natural. Just knowing I *can* even if I *don't* made me feel a lot more okay about what comes more naturally.

And getting to know people who didn't see the whole doormat aspect of me as an off-putting thing was a big help as well.

It's not for everybody, and that's perfectly fine. When I notice myself getting those doormatty feelings around someone, I've started to bring it up and have a little talk about that. It's worked okay for me.

There was some discussion about doormats somewhere here a bit more recently than that thread, too, but I can't find it now.

 

[cookiecat]

This was the more recent doormat thread.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1469798&highlight=doormat

 

[ultramarineblue]

FWIW, I still have trouble putting things into word and as a result don't often post.

I guess it helped me when I realized that I can control my doormatty feelings somewhat and learned how to set boundaries if need be even if I don't necessariliy want to do it or when it doesn't feel natural. Just knowing I *can* even if I *don't* made me feel a lot more okay about what comes more naturally.

And getting to know people who didn't see the whole doormat aspect of me as an off-putting thing was a big help as well.

It's not for everybody, and that's perfectly fine. When I notice myself getting those doormatty feelings around someone, I've started to bring it up and have a little talk about that. It's worked okay for me.

There was some discussion about doormats somewhere here a bit more recently than that thread, too, but I can't find it now.

I kinda got to a place where people just expect me to do more than they are willing to do. They get mad if I'm not willing to anymore or if I ask for a little help. I guess I just don't understand how most people work.

This was the more recent doormat thread.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1469798&highlight=doormat

Thank you so much for finding it. I have a lot of reading I need to do now.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm not really sure what I want any more. I mostly just feel used by everyone most of the time. I am ready to not be involved with so many responsibilities. I'm really looking forward to having fewer of those. I just want to help and be good at what I'm doing. I don't want recognition or anything like that. I just want to not have a crazy situations always thrown at me. Has life always been so difficult and I'm just now noticing it? I am tired of the way people in my career are treated. It's very depressing.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I haven't been really having mane sessions lately. Things almost seem as though they are going by the wayside. I kind of miss it all.

 

[cookiecat]

What's a mane session?

Welcome back to your thread.

 

[ultramarineblue]

What's a mane session?

Welcome back to your thread.

Mistype. I meant many.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I miss being able to talk to her so much right now. I don't really know anyone to talk about that and with everything going on right now it feels selfish.

 

[ultramarineblue]

He had this incredible scene planned. We were going to meet the week everything started changing rapidly. We decided to wait and it's been excruciating. I know it's the responsible thing to do but I'm so tired of being alone and not being touched. Friends want me to visit and it's extremely tempting to do so but it's not responsible at all.

I had somewhat sworn off seeing anyone because it just hurt too much when I felt I was being ignored or cast aside. Realistically, I know that I've never been anything more than a little bit of fun but at least it was pretty much ongoing somewhat. I don't get anything beyond that. I don't expect anything beyond that. It's when I hope for something beyond that I get crushed.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Slows sensuous sex has never really done anything for me. It just seemed boring. There is one guy that changed that. I would have thought that I'd have to be in love for it to be good that way and I guess maybe I do love him but it's only as a friend. He's a really good guy who's made mistakes and has worked to repeat the damage. However, he thinks it's too far past the point of repair. He still tried but I know it has to be hard.

He can make slow sensual sex incredible. I'm not really sure why it works with him. I guess maybe I also know that is what he likes and the biggest aspect I enjoy is making someone happy. He's also incredible to cuddle with and I enjoy that.