random musings

[ultramarineblue]

I've never had an experience like this recent one. It was so much fun. The last several sessions have just been really good. I don't know that I have ever really been kissed like that before. It's almost been sweet in many ways. Then there is the contrast of the sharp pain that I wish I could take more. Yesterday was such a good day. I've been extremely fortunate with my experiences lately. I can't quite process it all.

 

[ultramarineblue]

In spite of having some really good experiences lately, I still have the feeling that I don't really fit anywhere.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Timing is off. I think they are way more into it than I am. It may just be that I'm really tired right now. I'm starting to get nervous about potential work changes. I almost fell in over my head. I keep hearing of more and more quarantines in surrounding areas and I don't know that we need to make the change.

I would like to cuddle or have someone rub my back. Silly and I'd probably get tired of it fast. I am sleepy and have a headache. I'm nervous about the weekend.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I tried something and failed. It was pretty awful. I don't feel like I did my best job or I'd be ok with failing. It wouldn't matter if it only affected me but it didn't so I feel pretty awful about it all. I'm not doing very well with it right now.

 

[seela]

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I've been thinking about feelings lately. I have pretty much worked to keep from developing feelings for most of the play partners I've had. They made it clear from the start that they were only looking for fun and didn't want anything serious. I have also been told that I wasn't really their type for anything more than just some fun. I have grown to care about them as friends but I don't think I've developed any feelings beyond that. Occasionally maybe a bit of a crush would creep up but I'd quickly squash that because I don't want to lose the friendship. I kind of feel like there may be an honesty there because it's just friendship that might be hindered if more feelings develop because then you don't want to hurt the other person. Of course I don't want to hurt any of them now but it just feels different. It's probably more that I just don't understand it at all. I've really only had one serious relationship and it got so that I wondered if he even thought about me at all a lot of the time. I didn't really want to break up because I felt like I would hurt him if I did. It was so confusing.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wonder if I'm deluding myself about not having feelings for any of them.

 

[gracie920101]

Go with your gut. Rely on your instincts and you can't go wrong..

Even if you end up not in the best space, what a life experience! Don't sit and wait for things to change as there's times you have to be the change.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Go with your gut. Rely on your instincts and you can't go wrong..

Even if you end up not in the best space, what a life experience! Don't sit and wait for things to change as there's times you have to be the change.

For me it's more a matter of settling for what I have because I really have no chance at anything more involved. Not being pessimistic, just realistic in that considering how everything has been prior with my age and looks being what they are.


Sorry, I'm such a downer today.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That little bit of attention ends up making me happy and I wish that it didn't really matter so much. I got more attention today than I have in a while and it was fun but I want to not need it.

 

[Ropebunny]

That little bit of attention ends up making me happy and I wish that it didn't really matter so much. I got more attention today than I have in a while and it was fun but I want to not need it.

Oh I feel this. For what it’s worth, for some of us I think there is no level of attention that will ever feel like it’s enough. I never have a full tank and I’m getting more now than I ever have previously. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s really just a form of touch hunger (should call it connection hunger coz I think most like us will take verbal or written communication over touch in a lot of circumstances). This might be a serenity prayer situation

 

[ultramarineblue]

Oh I feel this. For what it’s worth, for some of us I think there is no level of attention that will ever feel like it’s enough. I never have a full tank and I’m getting more now than I ever have previously. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s really just a form of touch hunger (should call it connection hunger coz I think most like us will take verbal or written communication over touch in a lot of circumstances). This might be a serenity prayer situation

I just need some daily attention and I'm good. I don't need constant attention, just enough to know I'm actually important to someone. I prefer text or written communicating to verbal but right now I'm almost aching to be touched. Just simple touch like cuddles or having my back rubbed. I'm generally ok being alone but it would be nice to have some touch right now.

 

[cookiecat]

I just need some daily attention and I'm good. I don't need constant attention, just enough to know I'm actually important to someone. I prefer text or written communicating to verbal but right now I'm almost aching to be touched. Just simple touch like cuddles or having my back rubbed. I'm generally ok being alone but it would be nice to have some touch right now.

Ha! Here you are in your thread! You're asking so many good questions in the AMA threads.


I live a really solitary, quiet life. I haven't held hands, had an intimate touch, had a really really good kiss in.... years. That ache is familiar. I think sometimes I build up a pretty big wall so I don't miss it so much.

I think it was last summer, maybe the one before? I went to a concert where the seats were attached to each other. This large guy was sitting next to me. My mom was on the other side!!! The large guy's presence was so solid, so warm. I almost leaned right in to him. I wanted to put my head on his shoulder.

Mr. cookie was in a wheelchair for several years. We had a tough time just sitting next to each other, cuddly on the couch. If he got out of the chair, he'd fall over.

Another reason covid sucks. Less awful than the obvious other reasons but dating in a pandemic is a challenge. I've decided not to.

I'll hug ya umb!!

 

[ultramarineblue]

Ha! Here you are in your thread! You're asking so many good questions in the AMA threads.


I live a really solitary, quiet life. I haven't held hands, had an intimate touch, had a really really good kiss in.... years. That ache is familiar. I think sometimes I build up a pretty big wall so I don't miss it so much.

I think it was last summer, maybe the one before? I went to a concert where the seats were attached to each other. This large guy was sitting next to me. My mom was on the other side!!! The large guy's presence was so solid, so warm. I almost leaned right in to him. I wanted to put my head on his shoulder.

Mr. cookie was in a wheelchair for several years. We had a tough time just sitting next to each other, cuddly on the couch. If he got out of the chair, he'd fall over.

Another reason covid sucks. Less awful than the obvious other reasons but dating in a pandemic is a challenge. I've decided not to.

I'll hug ya umb!!

If I think about it too much it almost feels like an ache. I'd definitely welcome your hugs!

I don't know that I could have resisted leaning against that guy. I'd have been awfully embarrassed though. The pandemic is just rough. As caution lowers, case numbers jump.

I know you miss Mr. Cookie. I have a friend whose husband has become pretty immobile and it's been very hard on her.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I really wanted to either see a play partner or visit some friends for play this weekend but the weather changing has my sinuses very unhappy. This has been an extremely stressful week. I'm so irritated that I can't play but I know I need to rest.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I feel somewhat on edge. I feel as though I'm annoying, not very intelligent, and don't really have much to contribute. I'm not as socially awkward as I once was but I still really don't understand how to fit in really. I think I miss so many things because I don't understand what's going on. I've become better at that some. I still really don't understand relationships or how people express interest or any of that stuff. This has been a crazy week.

 

[ultramarineblue]

He said he's fallen in love with someone. I hope that he will be happy. I asked him to stay in touch because I enjoy our friendship but I don't think that will really happen.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I can't allow myself to hope for things that will never happen. I'm tired. Is it possible to have such intense dreams that you're tired from dreaming at night?

I'm really tired of my job right now. I'm pretty ineffective at it. I'm trying to think of jobs I can do where I can support myself and not have to interact with many people. I'm tired of being responsible for others. I'm tired of feeling like no matter how much I did or how hard I try, it will never be good enough. I'm tired of having to make people do what they're supposed to do. Why can't they just do it?

 

[ultramarineblue]

A session would have been great today. It wasn't able to happen so I got stuff done that I have been needing to do. I still would have preferred an intense super short session though. I never know what to expect. There is often something completely unexpected that is wonderful in the sessions with him. I could have used stress relief a few days back but I feel ok now. I just want to give a blow job.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I feel somewhat on edge. I feel as though I'm annoying, not very intelligent, and don't really have much to contribute.

Not to be cute or deny your feelings, but I’ve thought in the past that the honesty you express here is a contribution, to this place at least.

Most people don’t, or can’t, do that.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Not to be cute or deny your feelings, but I’ve thought in the past that the honesty you express here is a contribution, to this place at least.

Most people don’t, or can’t, do that.

Your comment doesn't come across as either. I appreciate that you think those things. This place may be one of the few places where I feel that I can be completely honest about some things.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

What a interesting thread read , kudos on the honesty in your words.

The word choice *Muse , musing drew me to it.

Have U ever considered the that U might be a muse ? There is a invisible audience that reads these threads. They never speak 🗣, they never answer either because they never put themselves in that position. Why is that ?

It’s possible they live vicariously , maybe their cowards , maybe they just need a muse to encourage them. Encouragement is a wonderful media , it’s risk reward factor is minimal. There’s a art to it too. In context , here on boards in general among the ebb and flow of the river current posts that is this little white box , words are the colors that a artist searches for to paint and create.

 

[ultramarineblue]

What a interesting thread read , kudos on the honesty in your words.

The word choice *Muse , musing drew me to it.

Have U ever considered the that U might be a muse ? There is a invisible audience that reads these threads. They never speak 🗣, they never answer either because they never put themselves in that position. Why is that ?

It’s possible they live vicariously , maybe their cowards , maybe they just need a muse to encourage them. Encouragement is a wonderful media , it’s risk reward factor is minimal. There’s a art to it too. In context , here on boards in general among the ebb and flow of the river current posts that is this little white box , words are the colors that a artist searches for to paint and create.

Very interesting take. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. It does take courage for people to post. It's unfortunately very easy for people to misinterpret a person's intent with their initial posts or even a single post can be mistaken. I've been accused by people I thought were good friends of being manipulative. That has made me question a lot of what I do. I hope that none of my posts have ever discouraged anyone from using their voice. I look for the good in people. I can be mean at times and like that I can safely explore that after negotiations or experience that myself in the realm of a scene. I just hope that I don't say anything that is taken as being mean especially for someone newly exploring and unsure of themselves. Thank you for getting me to think along these lines.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

Very interesting take. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. It does take courage for people to post. It's unfortunately very easy for people to misinterpret a person's intent with their initial posts or even a single post can be mistaken. I've been accused by people I thought were good friends of being manipulative. That has made me question a lot of what I do. I hope that none of my posts have ever discouraged anyone from using their voice. I look for the good in people. I can be mean at times and like that I can safely explore that after negotiations or experience that myself in the realm of a scene. I just hope that I don't say anything that is taken as being mean especially for someone newly exploring and unsure of themselves. Thank you for getting me to think along these lines.

You are very welcome