random musings

[Ropebunny]

Very interesting take. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. It does take courage for people to post. It's unfortunately very easy for people to misinterpret a person's intent with their initial posts or even a single post can be mistaken. I've been accused by people I thought were good friends of being manipulative. That has made me question a lot of what I do. I hope that none of my posts have ever discouraged anyone from using their voice. I look for the good in people. I can be mean at times and like that I can safely explore that after negotiations or experience that myself in the realm of a scene. I just hope that I don't say anything that is taken as being mean especially for someone newly exploring and unsure of themselves. Thank you for getting me to think along these lines.

Like other have said, thank you for your honesty in what you share here. I struggle with putting my thoughts into words sometimes and I often read your posts and get a big whack of validation from them, which helps in knowing I’m not as always different as I might feel I am!

I hear you about the concerns about manipulativeness. It’s been hitting me this past month or so, that some of primary ways of being revolve around manipulating others for their own growth, but also for my own comfort. It’s a big thing to process, but being able to look at my shadow with love is the only way I know to work on this new, big thing. And I don’t have a choice in it. I never did. Gah, insight can be a bitch sometimes...

 

[ultramarineblue]

Like other have said, thank you for your honesty in what you share here. I struggle with putting my thoughts into words sometimes and I often read your posts and get a big whack of validation from them, which helps in knowing I’m not as always different as I might feel I am!

I hear you about the concerns about manipulativeness. It’s been hitting me this past month or so, that some of primary ways of being revolve around manipulating others for their own growth, but also for my own comfort. It’s a big thing to process, but being able to look at my shadow with love is the only way I know to work on this new, big thing. And I don’t have a choice in it. I never did. Gah, insight can be a bitch sometimes...

I'm from a tiny town so I have often felt strange not the least because of my sexual interests. It's definitely wonderful to find people in which you have things in common.

I pretty much prefer asking for what I need. I don't always do that if I can provide it myself. If I feel that it will not be met, I won't ask either. I think I need to read about manipulation a bit. I just want people to be ok and have their needs met. I'm an absolute mess with some things. I've gone to therapy to help with those things. I wish I could say that I've overcome them but that wouldn't be true. I understand them more greatly and know that I need plenty of rest and alone time to prevent them. Unfortunately that isn't always attainable.

 

[cookiecat]

Do you still live in a tiny town? Do you think you'll move?

 

[ultramarineblue]

Do you still live in a tiny town? Do you think you'll move?

I do still live in a tiny town. I am pretty settled here in some ways. I think there is a chance I could move but I don't always feel like I desperately want to move. I always wanted to leave here as long as I was growing up and there are days that I would like to do so but I'm ok being here. I'm pretty content for the most part. There are definely a lot of inconveniences but there would be inconveniences in a larger city. I do want to work on a masters degree so I can have some other options for work so that could lead me to eventually moving. One of the major reasons I stay here now is to help my parents if they need it. They don't much now but will possibly need it more in the future.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I have been thinking about how some things I don't mind adapting to at all. I know there are things that are non negotiable but I'm not always sure what those are. I think it depends on the person I'm with and how I feel about that relationship. That may not be viewed as being the most healthy way to go about things but I think maybe there is something I can't define that may determine where the line between non negotiable and negotiable would be and how that changes with different people. I don't become more willing with just anyone. I'm very hesitant to be very willing to do many things with some of the people I've met or played with. I wish I could figure out the words to explain this.

There is really one person that I'm pretty willing to try or consider trying just about anything with. I can't even completely explain why I trust him so completely but I do. Part of it has to do with how openly he has communicated but another part is how he has been adamant about me expressing any concerns honestly. I guess it is that he sees how I gain most of my pleasure or whatever out of simply submitting to another's desires. I want to be useful and helpful and do stuff for people. He's never left me feeling like I've been badly used in any way. I don't think we've ever really had an off session. Some changed course a bit but they all ended well. I'm not naive enough to think that isn't possible but it is very unlikely because he pays very close attention.

I've wondered lately if my willingness to trust him so completely has ever given him reason for concern. That can be a pretty heavy responsibility. I know that he has had concern for if I would do something simply to please him and not because I actually wanted to do it. We have discussed that and I will say if something is not a thing I actually want to try because I want to try it and not just please.

The other thing that might give some concern is that we don't really do aftercare in the sense of cuddles and blankets and that type of thing. We do a session and go our separate ways. We do check in with one another through messages but I don't rely on him to help me ease out of subspace or deal with any type of drop in emotion if I feel that. I take care of that myself and I'm glad I do. I need alone time. That being said, I do feel that if I truly needed some type of in person help after a session, he would definely help.

I've learned so much from him and hope to continue to learn. I always feel that I get so much more out of the experiences than he does. I know if I really thought about that I'd probably feel guilty but I don't dwell on it and if it was truly more one sided, it would probably already be over. I'm glad it is the way it is.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Heartbroken at a loss tonight.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm angry at myself. I could have prevented it but I didn't for various reasons that don't really seem to matter now. I can only hope to do better in the future.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm slightly better but I really don't like how things have changed. I don't like that many things are easier because they were becoming easier anyway. Things just fell flat.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I need his good strong hugs.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Not really sure I want to keep that stuff posted.

 

[ultramarineblue]

There are few things better than giving a blow job. It is my happy place.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I could use a session but I'm going to have to be ok with not having one soon. Sometimes I half wonder if things will just kind of continue on as they have for a while or if there will be a definite end or if it will dwindle. Most of the time I don't really think about it though. It's not something I really need to actually know. Just somewhat curious but ok with any of the possibilities.

 

[seela]

I could use a session but I'm going to have to be ok with not having one soon. Sometimes I half wonder if things will just kind of continue on as they have for a while or if there will be a definite end or if it will dwindle. Most of the time I don't really think about it though. It's not something I really need to actually know. Just somewhat curious but ok with any of the possibilities.

Dwindling is the worst for me. I prefer to hear actual words, not have to pick up hints that things have changed. I guess it’s okay if things dwindle after a few weeks, or a few meets or whatever, before it’s gotten deep and before you’ve shared too much of yourself.

But when it dwindles after a long time, especially after I’ve asked point blank if they’d prefer we stop things... That’s really not good for my mental balance. Although in that situation I accept a lot of the responsibility as well. I should have picked up the hints. That was on me.

How do you deal with the dwindle?

I hope you get to have your session soon!

 

[ultramarineblue]

Dwindling is the worst for me. I prefer to hear actual words, not have to pick up hints that things have changed. I guess it’s okay if things dwindle after a few weeks, or a few meets or whatever, before it’s gotten deep and before you’ve shared too much of yourself.

But when it dwindles after a long time, especially after I’ve asked point blank if they’d prefer we stop things... That’s really not good for my mental balance. Although in that situation I accept a lot of the responsibility as well. I should have picked up the hints. That was on me.

How do you deal with the dwindle?

I hope you get to have your session soon!

I'm awful at picking up hints. I try to not read into anything because I am so often wrong. I don't deal with dwindling well. I tend to probably make things worse if I'm afraid it's ending and struggle with giving time. It's easier if someone just says they need time or they say it's just not working for them. I can understand that. I'd much rather someone tell me than not. I have gotten better with it though. I pretty much just try to distract myself with other things to keep myself from thinking about it. I wish I was better at reading hints.

 

[seela]

I'm awful at picking up hints. I try to not read into anything because I am so often wrong. I don't deal with dwindling well. I tend to probably make things worse if I'm afraid it's ending and struggle with giving time. It's easier if someone just says they need time or they say it's just not working for them. I can understand that. I'd much rather someone tell me than not. I have gotten better with it though. I pretty much just try to distract myself with other things to keep myself from thinking about it. I wish I was better at reading hints.

That sounds extremely familiar...

 

[Huff76]

I found this thread yesterday and read it all in a couple of hours. Feels a bit like having wandered through someone's brain without their knowledge, but I guess being a public thread qualifies as having left the door open to visitors?

I want to say thank you for your honesty, and willingness to be openly vulnerable. I'm glad with place is an outlet for you, and not just because, on a purely selfish level, I identify with a lot of what you've written.
Though where you have been willing to take risks and put yourself out there, I took the cowards route and locked myself away for almost 2 decades. (Emotionally of course, I've not been Rapunzel in a tower)

Now that I've come alive again, it's a bit embarrassing to be in my mid 40's and feeling like a green girl, so thoughts like yours have helped me feel a little less pathetic.

They've also made me wish I could give you a giant hug, but I'm a stranger so I won't do that

Thanks againm and I'll look forward to more of your musings

 

[ultramarineblue]

That sounds extremely familiar...

I'm always puzzled by how people just know because I rarely know.

I found this thread yesterday and read it all in a couple of hours. Feels a bit like having wandered through someone's brain without their knowledge, but I guess being a public thread qualifies as having left the door open to visitors?

I want to say thank you for your honesty, and willingness to be openly vulnerable. I'm glad with place is an outlet for you, and not just because, on a purely selfish level, I identify with a lot of what you've written.
Though where you have been willing to take risks and put yourself out there, I took the cowards route and locked myself away for almost 2 decades. (Emotionally of course, I've not been Rapunzel in a tower)

Now that I've come alive again, it's a bit embarrassing to be in my mid 40's and feeling like a green girl, so thoughts like yours have helped me feel a little less pathetic.

They've also made me wish I could give you a giant hug, but I'm a stranger so I won't do that

Thanks againm and I'll look forward to more of your musings

I'm so glad that you found value in what I've been writing. I don't know that I have always taken risks. I definitely have had times of hiding. I've always thought everyone else had it together and often it's just that they are better at hiding their insecurities than I am or maybe there are aspects they are better at hiding while I may be better at hiding other stuff.

I look forward to chatting with you more here and other threads.

 

[Huff76]

I'm always puzzled by how people just know because I rarely know.



I'm so glad that you found value in what I've been writing. I don't know that I have always taken risks. I definitely have had times of hiding. I've always thought everyone else had it together and often it's just that they are better at hiding their insecurities than I am or maybe there are aspects they are better at hiding while I may be better at hiding other stuff.

I look forward to chatting with you more here and other threads.

Thank you for the lovely reply. I've always thought other people had it together better too. Or that I just fail at adulting properly! Today is one of those days

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you for the lovely reply. I've always thought other people had it together better too. Or that I just fail at adulting properly! Today is one of those days

I've never felt like an adult, mostly like I'm playing at being one sometimes and definitely never have it together.

 

[Huff76]

I've never felt like an adult, mostly like I'm playing at being one sometimes and definitely never have it together.

Yes, this is it exactly! I can do it occasionally but then I lapse and wonder how I managed to fool people. When my son told me he bought life insurance, I couldn't help but think it seemed odd that he became an adult before I did. Surely that's not supposed to happen?

 

[ultramarineblue]

Yes, this is it exactly! I can do it occasionally but then I lapse and wonder how I managed to fool people. When my son told me he bought life insurance, I couldn't help but think it seemed odd that he became an adult before I did. Surely that's not supposed to happen?

I don't know. It can definitely cause so many different emotions.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I feel like I have to be always do better, always be better. I shouldn't make mistakes because they can hurt others. This week has been hard on many ways. I should send a good part of it preparing for next week so it won't be quite as bad. I hope I don't start beating myself up about the stupid things I've done.

 

[zali]

How come 'wise man' and 'wise guy' have totally different meanings?

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm so tired right now. I've been very productive the last four days. I really hope to maintain that. Since there wasn't much chance of a play session, using energy towards getting other things accomplished has been well spent. I think I want to go to bed early.

 

[ultramarineblue]

How come 'wise man' and 'wise guy' have totally different meanings?

Interesting observation.

....................

I unexpectedly had a short wonderful session. I'm so glad.