random ramblings

[the captians wench]

Something I've noticed, since I've been injured my mood has dropped like a rock in water. This is an average, and I supose it's not surprizing really. My activity has dropped because I'm not physically capible of doing normal activities. Not being able to do simple things like move my laundry from the washer to the dryer with out a sharp pain running down my leg, or unload the dishwasher, grociery shoping takes 2 or three trips (10 lbs doesn't go very far).

And now all the work I've put into my job, all the progress I made to try and get some validation, well it might as well have not been done. I can't physically do the job they want me to do, yet they keep saying that they will work with my restrictions. "what ever physical restrictions you have, we will work with that, but you have to be an active member of the team, you can't just take orders in dt" But when I told her that I can not stand for more than an hour, that after that hour I need at least a 20 minute break, that my note specifically says "no prolonged standing/walking, change positions often, sit when needed" suddenly they can't comply.

For May I'm rated "some improvement required" and it pisses me off. I don't think it's fair.

All of this is just depressing. The fact that the drugs fuck me up just add to it.

I'm trying not to let this get me down. This whole process is frusterating. I feel like I'm fighting against the world. Like I'm trying to get some where but keep running around in circles.

 

[Keroin]

Something I've noticed, since I've been injured my mood has dropped like a rock in water. This is an average, and I supose it's not surprizing really. My activity has dropped because I'm not physically capible of doing normal activities. Not being able to do simple things like move my laundry from the washer to the dryer with out a sharp pain running down my leg, or unload the dishwasher, grociery shoping takes 2 or three trips (10 lbs doesn't go very far).

And now all the work I've put into my job, all the progress I made to try and get some validation, well it might as well have not been done. I can't physically do the job they want me to do, yet they keep saying that they will work with my restrictions. "what ever physical restrictions you have, we will work with that, but you have to be an active member of the team, you can't just take orders in dt" But when I told her that I can not stand for more than an hour, that after that hour I need at least a 20 minute break, that my note specifically says "no prolonged standing/walking, change positions often, sit when needed" suddenly they can't comply.

For May I'm rated "some improvement required" and it pisses me off. I don't think it's fair.

All of this is just depressing. The fact that the drugs fuck me up just add to it.

I'm trying not to let this get me down. This whole process is frusterating. I feel like I'm fighting against the world. Like I'm trying to get some where but keep running around in circles.

Wenchie, honestly, in the time I've been on here, I've read very, very, very few positive comments from you about your place of employment. Well, more specifically, your employers. I know this isn't the best economy, but you have to be honest with yourself and realize that things at McD's really aren't going to change.

Here's a question, if I could give you a magic looking glass to see five years into the future, would you want to see yourself still working there and still posting these same kind of frustrated comments about your job?

How about three years from now?

Two?

One?

Six months?

How long is long enough?

Change is scary but stability is a myth. There are ALWAYS other ways. Always.

 

[intothewoods]

I agree with everything Keroin posted, and also suggest you chat with an employment lawyer.

 

[the captians wench]

I've been trying to avoid the lawyer route because I'm very worried about money at the moment. I know that's a circle, if I had a lawyer I probably wouldn't have so much trouble getting the money I am owed, and if I had the money I was owed I could afford a lawyer.

And I'm working on changing jobs, it's just not going very well. I don't want to just move laterally. I want out of service. I want a regular 9-5 job and weekends off. That's just difficult with out any sort of college education and with MCD being the huge majority of my employment history.

I know what my options are. I know what I can live with and what I can't. I do have the option of leaving with out something else in hand, but I also know that I have no where to go if I do not find employment in time to pay the rent.

I'm not sitting idol, but until I find something under the terms I feel would be better, I have a job that pays the bills. That's more than a lot of people can say right now.

And to answer your question K, it makes me physically ill to know I've put as much time into a place that was suposed to be temporary as it is. I think that exact same question every morning. It used to be what pushed me to send out my resume. Now it just depresses me.

 

[Keroin]

I've been trying to avoid the lawyer route because I'm very worried about money at the moment. I know that's a circle, if I had a lawyer I probably wouldn't have so much trouble getting the money I am owed, and if I had the money I was owed I could afford a lawyer.

And I'm working on changing jobs, it's just not going very well. I don't want to just move laterally. I want out of service. I want a regular 9-5 job and weekends off. That's just difficult with out any sort of college education and with MCD being the huge majority of my employment history.

I know what my options are. I know what I can live with and what I can't. I do have the option of leaving with out something else in hand, but I also know that I have no where to go if I do not find employment in time to pay the rent.

I'm not sitting idol, but until I find something under the terms I feel would be better, I have a job that pays the bills. That's more than a lot of people can say right now.

And to answer your question K, it makes me physically ill to know I've put as much time into a place that was suposed to be temporary as it is. I think that exact same question every morning. It used to be what pushed me to send out my resume. Now it just depresses me.

I get where you're coming from, Wenchie, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad. But what I, and probably a few other people see, is a young, vibrant, talented woman who believes she is stuck in a dead-end job because she lacks a college education.

I'm here to say, as a university drop-out married to a highschool drop-out, you do not need a college education to find a job where, even if you make the same, (or less), money you will enjoy what you do and feel valued by others. And forget finding a job. You can make a job. It can start as a side business and blossom.

You have two HUGE factors on your side, my dear. First, you are young. Yes, you are. The time for taking risks is now. The older you get, the more the fear of poverty will paralyze you. Second, you have a true and and passion - in sewing. Those two things together give you so many options to explore. But you have to put on your boots and get out there. Maybe there's a group of entrepreneurs in your local area that meet or host seminars or...? Trust me, there are worlds of opportunity beyond the M-F, 9-5, employee/employer, regular paycheque model.

And you may have to try several until you find what works.

And you may have to change your expectations and make a few sacrifices at the start.

But doing a job you love? Wow. There is no dollar value on that.

 

[the captians wench]

K, I know you're just being supportive, so I wanted to make sure I was in a better headspace to respond.

I've never been a risk taker. I make very calculated decisions.

I made a lot of little moves to further my costume business, but costumes are a luxury unless you're in entertainment. So I had professional business cards printed, I launched a website (still a free site, but better than nothing), I just started my etsy shop, I've looked into setting up at local flee markets and such, and probably most importantly I've started attending meetings for a public speaking group. Until I can go up to complete strangers and sell myself, I can't even hope for success.

I have no one else to lean on if I don't sell enough this month. And when my income is based on my product, it's not helpful to not have the electric to run my sewing machine.

I know I'm not stuck, but I'm also not going to dive into the pool head first and then find out it's only 3 ft deep. Once I can actually sell myself to a complete stranger, in person, then I'll think about the high dive.

I appreciate your support K, I really do.

 

[Babyslave]

I woke up this morning with a sort of A-Ha! thought. I expect that there will be at least a few rolling their eyes. Knowing that, I'd like to defend myself before I continue. It's naivety and ignorance, not stupidity. Before? I learned what I needed to know, researched and studied specific subjects. I did what I was told to do. I didn't take the time to see the big picture. I'm getting a chance to do that now. And, though this is a simple, and basic thought? It truly was news to me. Welcome happy news.

I always knew I was shy, introverted. I did not know that I was a submissive. That kernel came as a suprise, an overwhelming "WHOA, let's take a step back" surprise. It took time for me to be able to recognize it for the truth it is. I know that is only one facet of who I am. For I am also strong, stubborn, proud, with a damnable, constant iron fist of control. I'm also loving, giving and sensitive. There's more of course, but I realize that my sub nature isn't the whole of me. That part of me? It's been there always, I just didn't know it. Or see it. But with him, I did. And once I saw it, I could accept it and own it. Embrace it. And I did. That in itself was freeing.

I woke this morning (I know, I know... redundant) realizing something else. That I can be submissive. Alone. It changes nothing. I am still me. I don't need a PYL to be a pyl. I don't. I am still all the things mentioned above, and so much more.

Okay, sure, when it comes to sex and sexual pleasure, it's necessary. Well, for me at least. For now I know what it takes for me to... well, let's leave that alone.

With everything else going on? I don't want to be in a relationship. And that's okay. I don't need to be in one. I can still be this me, the real, whole me, sub and all on my own. Hurray!

D'uh, right?

I know that since I'm going to be hitting that submit button, I may hear some things that may make me squirm. Have at it. I chose to come back. Well, I'm back, pushing myself to be bold, and brave, and daring. To do things I normally wouldn't do (like post!) and say things I would never ever say. I'm taking full credit for that. In return, I accept that I'll never be completely comfortable. That's okay too. That's all part of the reason I needed to return.

 

[the captians wench]

So I decided to, well honestly I don't know what I was thinking, and it was most likely a self distructive thought, but I stepped on the scale today.

Turns out in the month long (so far) ordeal with worker's comp and back injury, I've lost 8lbs. And I'm actually in that yuckly bloaty boobs a whole size larger period of my cycle, so it's even more of a

Probably a lot to do with not having money to eat out, and not being at work enough to eat a lot there, and being forced to do at least some core exercising.

Yeah silver lining!

I've also decided that only I can shed this dark mood I've been in and only I can make myself happy and bubbly again. Sure, I can dwell in all the shit that's piling up day after day, or I can turn that shit into furtilizer and grow something bright sunny and organic.

 

[the captians wench]

So after last year's blow out when my dad sent me an email 2 weeks before halloween asking to make this costume for my sister, my sister has smarted up and written me this week about it.

It's the same costume. Katherine from The Vampire Diaries in a civil war ballgown.

The dress is beautiful, and in all honesty I'd love to make it just for that fact, but at the same time I just don't want to make it for her.

My dad has litterally traveled to 6 different stores in order to spend his last dollar on a certian potato chip that she wanted. And this dress is going to be costly.

I'm not sure if they are writing me because they know I can do it, or if they think I will do it for nothing. Well, I'm not getting suckered into this. I told them exactly how much material will cost, because they first said they might buy the materials themselves, and how much the final dress will cost, including my labor and including a family discount on said labor.

I'm hoping that he'll finally tell her no. I'd have to fight a lot of guilt to let him pay me $1000 for a dress she'll wear once, and that's with the discount. But not enough guilt to do it for free.

She seems willing to compermise on things like color, that will help, but I'm also going to see if I can't talk her into a dress from a different episode. One that's just as regal, but less in materials and extras.

Still, I told them that I would need $300 to even start, and I'd need at least 6 weeks to complete it. My dad is working, but he's just a security gaurd so I'm sure he's not making a lot.

I keep thinking of this as business. I have to. It's not fair to ask me to put so much of my time into a project (we're talking 48 hours of labor min) and get nothing from it but a thank you. I won't let them do that to me.

 

[the captians wench]

MRI results came in today. The good news is they came back irrimarkable, exactly what they would expect from a healthy person my age. The bad news is that means they still don't know why I'm having this pain down my leg.

I feel like this is bad news. I almost wish they did find something because then they would know what was wrong and we could fix me and get things back to normal. I just want to go back to my crappy job and be fully functional again.

Good news shouldn't make me feel this misserable.

 

[the captians wench]

Since all of the paperwork is in and in the right hands and the right parties are talking to each other, so now I'm off work at least until mid July (likely longer).

This means a few things:
1. I can heal quicker because now I won't be pushing myself to do a job that is causing extreme pain and likely furthering my injury.
2. My vacation that was scheduled for this month will likely be paid out when I get back to work as the last half of the year has some one on vacation every week.
3. I have to come up with a plan to stay active.

The pool is open, so I think a daily swim will help a lot. I'm also thinking an evening or morning walk (as it's getting really hot), just a block or two and see how much further I get each day.

The other thing I want to take advatage of is having the time to work on a big project. I haven't decided which yet, but some big gown I'm thinking.

 

[the captians wench]

Two things my step dad used to collect are ink pens and pennies. Any ink pen he found went in the cup beside his chair. We used to find pennies all over because he would collect them and then they fell out of his pockets.

After he died, when ever my mom was upset or worried about something she would find a penny. We didn't think much of it until she started finding them out in public. When I was going through my seperation, I started finding them.

Well, when all of this back injury nastiness started, I found pennies all over, and I yelled at them. It wasn't until I found a dime in my car seat that I finally calmed down and decided everything would be okay and I need to stop fretting.

Today I found a Euro penny in the middle of my livingroom floor. Now I do have a stash of Euro coin, but they are in a sealed envelope, so it is a bit off to find it like this.

I knew the dime ment that I wasn't paying attention, things will work out, and I need to settle down. But what the hell does a Euro penny mean?

 

[wicked woman]

I knew the dime ment that I wasn't paying attention, things will work out, and I need to settle down. But what the hell does a Euro penny mean?

My thought was an Irish connection...or an attempt at it, if Ireland hasn't converted to Euros.

 

[midwestyankee]

Today I found a Euro penny in the middle of my livingroom floor. Now I do have a stash of Euro coin, but they are in a sealed envelope, so it is a bit off to find it like this.

I knew the dime ment that I wasn't paying attention, things will work out, and I need to settle down. But what the hell does a Euro penny mean?

It means that you're supposed to pay 1.4488 times as much attention to the meaning of the penny than if it were an American penny.

 

[the captians wench]

It means that you're supposed to pay 1.4488 times as much attention to the meaning of the penny than if it were an American penny.

My converter says 1.4529. I have 500 that I've been saving. I bought it when Greese frist went under and convertion went down to 1.28, I figured it was a good time to buy my vaca stash. So I've been keeping an eye on it.

My thought was an Irish connection...or an attempt at it, if Ireland hasn't converted to Euros.

Yup Ireland is using Euro. And this crossed my mind too, but I've decided to not put a lot of thought into it. I never put much into this, so I'm not going to now. I never was supersticious, though my step dad and my mom were/are.



___________

So I got out today. Went shopping. And I carried on a conversation with 4 complete strangers. I even started two of them.

Was out for 3 hours, with lunch in the middle. I'm a little sore, okay a lot sore, but not to the point of tears. I stopped when I knew I had to.

Over all, good day.

ETA: Ohhh! I forgot to mention, I also passed out my business card to 2 people.

 

[Babyslave]

___________

So I got out today. Went shopping. And I carried on a conversation with 4 complete strangers. I even started two of them.

Was out for 3 hours, with lunch in the middle. I'm a little sore, okay a lot sore, but not to the point of tears. I stopped when I knew I had to.

Over all, good day.

ETA: Ohhh! I forgot to mention, I also passed out my business card to 2 people.

Yippee! It sounds like a good day. I bet you are sore, but look at all you did. Shopping, conversations with strangers and some networking with the business cards. Thats way more than I accomplished today. Thanks for sharing this, I've been thinkin' about ya.

 

[Babyslave]

Just venting

It came out of nowhere today. I don't know why, nor why it hit me so hard. The need, that desire, that craving, that desperate need for sex. And, not just any sex. Grrr.

I was happy that the lust had lessened, as I've had other things to deal with. Throwing that in the mix would have been one more complication, one more hassle. Being without my partner, or the 'other' didn't allow for any sort of playtime for me.

So why today. I was having a pretty good Saturday? Spent some time on a friends boat, talked to a gf of mine, tackled some mundane chores. So why when I was watering the flowers and herbs on the porch did I burst into tears? Why did I feel that I'd nearly die if I didn't get my needs satisfied.

I thought I'd turn to my favorite author, he usually can get me off so that I can go back to what needs to be done. But. It didn't work. Made it worse, I think.

She was a hot little bitch, a sexual animal beneath that sweet exterior. She just needed someone to bring it out of her, someone to demand that she let it out. She needed to be taken and tied and fucked, whipped and played with until she let it all out, every fucking drop of it. She needed a man’s wild lust to make her let go.

THAT is what I need, that is what I want. Exactly that and exactly that is what I don't have.

Don't get me wrong. I've been invited on dates, have had male friends suggesting we take things further. They speak of love, or companionship, long term, gentleness, caring. They're not lining up outside my door, but if 'vanilla' was what I needed, I'd have more than a few to choose from. I don't want or need romance, or worship, or tenderness. Not now. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't handle it, couldn't fake it either.

What I need (God, why is it so hard for me to admit this?) is for someone to take me. Take that control from me and just fucking use me. Is that too much to ask?

Sigh. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm on here looking for someone. I'm not. I don't want to be on the personals. I don't. At all. I'm just frustrated. The urge will pass (please let it pass) and I'll bury it for a while longer. Maybe this is what happens when I have free time. I spend it being introspective and thoughtful, and this just caught me off guard.

I AM glad that I threw away all 'our' toys. It pissed me off at the time, seeing a few hundred dollars worth of fun go in the trash, but it's just as well. I have a feeling that seeing tangible reminders of what I can't have would send me over the edge.

I suppose I could run over to the gym for a workout. That should help. It's just so fucking hot and I look like shit. I'd have to shower and change to go get hot and sweaty so I need to shower and change again. Sit here and be miserable? Workout it is.

 

[the captians wench]

Yippee! It sounds like a good day. I bet you are sore, but look at all you did. Shopping, conversations with strangers and some networking with the business cards. Thats way more than I accomplished today. Thanks for sharing this, I've been thinkin' about ya.

Awe, thanks.

I'm excited. I found some really great deals, so I'm hoping I'll have stuff to do while I'm out (at least another 12 days, maybe longer). But besides that, it's the longest I've been able to be on my feet (with out crying in pain) for 6 weeks! It makes me feel like I'm getting better, and tells me that pushing myself like I was really was the wrong thing.

Next test isn't until wednesday, and the next apointment isn't until a week after that, but I'm still excited.

 

[the captians wench]

It came out of nowhere today. I don't know why, nor why it hit me so hard. The need, that desire, that craving, that desperate need for sex. And, not just any sex. Grrr.

I was happy that the lust had lessened, as I've had other things to deal with. Throwing that in the mix would have been one more complication, one more hassle. Being without my partner, or the 'other' didn't allow for any sort of playtime for me.

So why today. I was having a pretty good Saturday? Spent some time on a friends boat, talked to a gf of mine, tackled some mundane chores. So why when I was watering the flowers and herbs on the porch did I burst into tears? Why did I feel that I'd nearly die if I didn't get my needs satisfied.

I thought I'd turn to my favorite author, he usually can get me off so that I can go back to what needs to be done. But. It didn't work. Made it worse, I think.

She was a hot little bitch, a sexual animal beneath that sweet exterior. She just needed someone to bring it out of her, someone to demand that she let it out. She needed to be taken and tied and fucked, whipped and played with until she let it all out, every fucking drop of it. She needed a man’s wild lust to make her let go.

THAT is what I need, that is what I want. Exactly that and exactly that is what I don't have.

Don't get me wrong. I've been invited on dates, have had male friends suggesting we take things further. They speak of love, or companionship, long term, gentleness, caring. They're not lining up outside my door, but if 'vanilla' was what I needed, I'd have more than a few to choose from. I don't want or need romance, or worship, or tenderness. Not now. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't handle it, couldn't fake it either.

What I need (God, why is it so hard for me to admit this?) is for someone to take me. Take that control from me and just fucking use me. Is that too much to ask?

Sigh. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm on here looking for someone. I'm not. I don't want to be on the personals. I don't. At all. I'm just frustrated. The urge will pass (please let it pass) and I'll bury it for a while longer. Maybe this is what happens when I have free time. I spend it being introspective and thoughtful, and this just caught me off guard.

I AM glad that I threw away all 'our' toys. It pissed me off at the time, seeing a few hundred dollars worth of fun go in the trash, but it's just as well. I have a feeling that seeing tangible reminders of what I can't have would send me over the edge.

I suppose I could run over to the gym for a workout. That should help. It's just so fucking hot and I look like shit. I'd have to shower and change to go get hot and sweaty so I need to shower and change again. Sit here and be miserable? Workout it is.

I can relate to this in a lot of ways.

I'm a bit buzzed right now, so I really can't think of more to say but.

 

[the captians wench]

Seriously? I mean...really?

ugh

 

[the captians wench]

I really needed today.

First I was picked up by a couple of friends and spent 4 hours walking around an outlet mall. I found a new top for $5 that will be good to lay about the apt in when I keep the shades open. Mostly though it was about soaking up attention.

After that I went to my grandparents for a bbq. We ate, chatted, played cards, the most fun I've had with my family in years. Since before my ex husband and I split actually. I was babied a lot, and a rambled on which tends to happen when I'm drugged even more than normal, but they humored me.

Was nice being out with people.

 

[the captians wench]

My checks finally came in the mail today. It's actually really good timing. Now I can take my mom to lunch when she takes me to my test tomorrow.

It's not quite as much as I thought it would be, but it has proven to me that I can live on significantly less than what I make. This is good to know, for several reasons, and will help me in re-evaluating my spending.

It's been a painful lesson, in a lot of ways, but I think a nessisary one. The slap in the face that I needed.

 

[the captians wench]

So EMG went fine. Infact, the doc said I reacted perfectly. This should be good news, I mean, no nerve damage, yeah! But I don't feel happy, I feel frusterated. We still don't know why I'm having this pain.

Mom says that the needle was 10". I didn't look. I kept my eyes far away from it. I was actually getting a nice buzz off of the little pricks until he started on the sore spot. Then I went from "hey this isn't so bad" to "oh god oh god oh god! Ouch muther fucker! Ouch!"

So have to call my doc tomorrow and see what's up with the seeing the specialist, and we'll find out what to do next.

I did hear from one of the managers under me. He said they really miss me, things just aren't as organized and smooth as when I'm there. Made me feel good. Of course I was already heavily medicated when he stopped by.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm content.

I realized this this afternoon. I don't have that super bubbly happy go lucky feel good feeling, but still content.

It's a big improvement from the past few months. I feel like I've over come a hurdle. I know a good deal of it is from eating better and more movement. Now to keep it up when I go back to work. I'm positive about it though. I know I can do this, and I think having that confidence is a huge part of the battle.

 

[HottieMama]

I'm content.

I realized this this afternoon. I don't have that super bubbly happy go lucky feel good feeling, but still content.

It's a big improvement from the past few months. I feel like I've over come a hurdle. I know a good deal of it is from eating better and more movement. Now to keep it up when I go back to work. I'm positive about it though. I know I can do this, and I think having that confidence is a huge part of the battle.

I'm happy for you! That "content" feeling is what I am searching for...