random ramblings

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Changing your life is hard work.

I want to venture out and do my thing, but I'm worried about things like rent and food money.

But the benefits of being happy, not pissed to work, actually enjoying what you do, and whatever other positives you might get from doing your thing might help out.

Now happiness ain't gonna pay the rent or buy you food but it might make you want to be more productive or even more creative or more driven or even want to work more and help you make more money so you don't have to be as worried.

You seem like a driven person and you could try to channel that worry about money into a drive that makes you work harder, be more productive, and actually enjoy doing it.

 

[the captians wench]

The very truth of the matter is that deep down I'm very much self preservation oriented.

I've been thinking about making that leap for the past two or three years, but I know I would have to do things like give up my apt, which I like, and it would be very likely that I wouldn't be able to travel, which is the main reason I took my current position to begin with.

On the other side of that, I have figured out just how many costumes I'd have to sell in month in order to maintain my current income, as well as how many man hours that equates to. I've also figured which market is most likely to sell, which is the most profitable, and which makes the most money for the least amount of work.

I'm getting closer to making the jump, but I'd rather ease into it.

 

[Keroin]

The very truth of the matter is that deep down I'm very much self preservation oriented.

I've been thinking about making that leap for the past two or three years, but I know I would have to do things like give up my apt, which I like, and it would be very likely that I wouldn't be able to travel, which is the main reason I took my current position to begin with.

On the other side of that, I have figured out just how many costumes I'd have to sell in month in order to maintain my current income, as well as how many man hours that equates to. I've also figured which market is most likely to sell, which is the most profitable, and which makes the most money for the least amount of work.

I'm getting closer to making the jump, but I'd rather ease into it.

JUMP!!!

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

JUMP!!!

I agree!

 

[the captians wench]

After near 5 years I think I take for granted that I'll ever have any more "firsts" with Jounar. Yesterday was a new first.

Yesterday I experienced, for the first time, what I call "unfair justice".

Now we've teased and joked about this before in play. He makes up rules to little games we play, so if he changes a rule it's fair because he says it is. And that's all fun. I've always said fair is in his judgement since he owns me, but this is the first time I've ever had an issue with it. It's a very strange feeling.

He gave me a task, an impossible task with out some indecient exposure charges being filed. I explained to him that I couldn't do this, and he said he was sure I would figure something out. I was stumped. I had know clue how to complete this task and not risk some major issues with neighbors. I fretted over it, and in the end did nothing.

He was very disapointed with that choice, and explained to me what acceptable alternitives would have been. I hadn't considered these. He said he wanted something very specific, and I couldn't figure out how to get that. I argued my point because I didn't agree that this was a case of me failing to perform. I thought he was being misleading, he didn't tell me anything would do, he said he wanted something very specific. He's never spoken in riddles before, he's always been very streight forward with my tasks, his wants and desires. And I felt him pulling the "I'm disapointed in you" card was very harsh (there is no greater punishment for me than those 4 words).

Of course, in the end, if he feels like I failed him, that's all that matters, and I accepted my punishment and sugested how I might complete the task on a later date. Part of it was given to me when I came home from work in the early hours friday morning. He pushed me to the point that my tears came out dry, then rang me. He brought me down with the same "cuddling" tone he always does, but didn't praise me like he usually does. I felt wrapped in him, like always, and I felt a feeling of pride from him, but received no praise. He even talked to me for an hour before sending me to bed.

On some levels I felt like this was weird for him too. Like he understood my points but wanted to make a point of his own. He wanted me to learn something, but at the same time comfort me ever so slightly so that I don't go mental or something. Bend me and shape me, but not break me.

I'm honestly not sure that I won't fail when it comes to this matter again. I'm not good with deciding on acceptable subsitutes. If I can't do something properly, I usually don't try at all. And while I'm still frusterated that he didn't just come out and give me an alternitive, I can also see how my failing to attempt one can be viewed as uncaring and disrespectful towards him.

I accept that he wasn't happy with me. I accept that this is cause for correction. I don't feel like this was totally my fault, and partially feel set up. But I accept that it is his perogitive to do that, and ultimiately he decides when I have failed him. It still feels weird, this "unfair justice", but as we delve deeper into my submission, and ultimately slavery, it's something I feel I will face again. How I deal with it will be the real test.

 

[the captians wench]

This is one of those weeks when I think if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.

Nearly broke my finger, didn't get the job I wanted, And the pre-production meetings start on the day I have tickets to a 6 hour pre Eclipse release event.

I missed 2 days of costume time because my hand was in a splint.

And now I've been invited to another Twilight event but I have to work.

I am in need of a jump. I'm not sure I can make a baby step.

 

[ultramarineblue]

This is one of those weeks when I think if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.

Nearly broke my finger, didn't get the job I wanted, And the pre-production meetings start on the day I have tickets to a 6 hour pre Eclipse release event.

I missed 2 days of costume time because my hand was in a splint.

And now I've been invited to another Twilight event but I have to work.

I am in need of a jump. I'm not sure I can make a baby step.

*lots and lots of hugs* I've had a couple of weeks with nothing but bad luck lately. It's definitely not easy to deal with.

 

[the captians wench]

*lots and lots of hugs* I've had a couple of weeks with nothing but bad luck lately. It's definitely not easy to deal with.

Oh I forgot to mention that filming is scheduled for about the same time jounar and I tentively set my next visit. Which is the last bit of my vacation time that can't be moved. *sigh*

but hopefully this production company takes off and I can at least get my dream job out of this

ETA: Thanks for the hugs. I'm sorry I'm a bit of a downer at the moment.

 

[the captians wench]

Almost finished with an adorable little doggie ren costume.

I can't wait to be able to get pics of this.

This little rat of a dog is going to be so spoiled, and he's not even mine! *giggles* It's like I'm now "aunt wenchie" to puppies too!

 

[the captians wench]

Today is going to be emotional. I can feel it already.

My boobs don't ache nearly as badly as they have all week, and the cramps have stopped, and almost everything else is with in normal for me. Except that I feel like verbally attacting a few key people this morning.

I can't blame it all on hormones. Part of it is this phase I am going thru where I want things to be different in my life but I'm not sure, or too scared to change them. The funny part about this is that ever since I decided that I was going to put less effort into my Mcjob and focas more on what I want to do and bettering myself, my performance at said Mcjob has vastly improved. I can tell, even if my dick of a supervisor wants to find something rediculously small to harp on me about and bring it up repeatedly. The new fucktard of an assistant they put over with us (aka super dick's little pet) doesn't order enough product, smootie product at that which is prime stuff, I couldn't get anyone to give us what we needed, cause every one is running tight on it, the DC is limiting what people can order even, but because we're out and I'm there I get a 5 minute lecture on how we can't run out of product, and then he calls my other supervisor and she spends 15 mins yelling at me about how he called her and we can't be out of product and the whole time I'm thinking I should throw this new manager under the bus but no that won't do any good because he is just the most awesomeness. Yeah fucking right. He sucks big ones, but is getting all the credit for things going right. What ever.

But it's not just there where I want to start screaming. There are other people in my life I just want to go "okay wake the fuck up already" to and it's not as easy to surpress those feelings because I actually care what goes on in my life out side of the Mcjob.

I need a new list. I need to make my priorities again. I need to really focas on me, decide what I want and just go for it. And if things don't happen the way I want them to, well we can chalk it up to life experience.

 

[the captians wench]

This has been one fucking long month.

 

[the captians wench]

This has been one fucking long month.

 

[the captians wench]

I saw my worn copy of Jane Austin's "Emma" on the bathroom counter this morning as was reminded of the movie "Becoming Jane". Low and behold that movie is on tv this afternoon, just in time for me to watch before I have to get ready for work.

That time period is just about as late in history as I prefer to recreate costumes for. I know why the time peroid facinates me It's the pomp and cercumstance of it all.

I know the time isn't looked upon as most ideal for women. A time when a girl's sole perpous was to attract and wed a man. To hope that her charms, and looks attract a man of enough wealth that she might live at least in some comfort. When women were looked upon as property, as somethin to add to one's wealth rather than a person of her own.

But I've always found the idea apealing on some level. Of course having not lived in the time, my ideals are most likely more romantisized than the reality of it, but I do know this is why I create my lovelies from this and other "dark" times.

I can very easily picture myself in the absurdly heavy dresses, barely able to breath for my corset, dancing and stroling in lovely ballrooms, displaying my musical tallents, and entertaining with conversation, blushing and lowering my gaze as I draw the attention of some gentleman.

Yes, much more romantic than the probable reality, but I know that's why I costume. I think, some where in my head, I decided that if I bring the formal dress back into fashion (in some form) then maybe it would bring about that formal interaction that I find so attractive.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, so I'm currently on vacation from the McJob, and since I'm not travling I figured it would be a great time to work on costumes. And I found a sewing contest, two actually, and figured it would be a great time to create pieces for those. And there's a special treckie here that I still need to create a black uniform for.

All sounds good right.

Here's the nitch, day two is almost over and I haven't done much of anything!

I don't want to stress myself out, but on the same token, I need to get some stuff done or I can't very well complain about not moving out of the mcjob.

So, do I buckel down and get organized, or do I just wing it and have fun?

 

[the captians wench]

Starting on costume #1.

I'm still only feeling half motivated. I'm thinking I'll get this one cut out and then I'll work on cleaning my area some more. I think that's why I'm not fully motivated.

 

[the captians wench]

You know, it's really not fair that I get this burst of energy and motivation to clean and purge my apt 2 weeks after my vacation. The entire time I was on vacation I didn't want to do anything but lie about.

I know what was going on. Yes, it was a bit of depression, and I know why I was down even.

I am glad I am feeling more normal.

 

[the captians wench]

So yesterday HR got half of the state's assistant managers, store managers, supervisors, and operations managers together for a meeting. In this meeting they explained that Mcd's is all about keeping just ahead of regulations and legislations so in order to keep up with things that are brewing assistant managers will no longer be salaried, we will be salaried-non exempt.

So they took my salary and broke it down to an hourly rate as if I have been working 40 hours of streight pay and 5 hours of overtime every week. I will still be scheduled 45 hours a week, but now I clock in and out. Sounds like a good thing, but I will still be expected to do the same amount of work, and watch my hours because if I work one minute over that 45 hours and they have to pay me more overtime than they have planned then I will be repremanded. And while they say that it is not their intention to pay us less, and that we will get our 45 hours and "keep us whole" I just don't trust it.

My pay stubs will now be delivered to the store instead of to me directly, and they say that they will be sealed, but what's to keep some one from opening up that sealed seperate envelope? Again, I don't trust it.

And how many times have I been called, "hey wenchie, can you pick this up on your way in?" or "hey, we're having computer issues we don't know what to do" and I end up on the phone for an hour helping them. I had no hard feelings about doing those things when it didn't matter how much I worked, but now if i'm being paid by the minute, I want to be paid for all of these little minutes I work now with out thinking.

What worries me is what they are not telling us. Also the way I'm paid is changing from a 24 check cycle to a 26 check cycle.

With everything else going on right now, mom's fella needs a liver transplant, grandpa keeps having strokes, grandma has lost almost all use of her fingers, brother has another 6 months in Iraq, my mom and her sister are fighting over holiday dinners, this is just enough to send me spiraling. It's all just too much at once.

I need to shake out of this and refigure my budget for the next year, but every time I start, I just feel overwhelmed.

On a positive note, I have met my two healthy meals goal for the week.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay this is getting depressing.

I started figuring my budget based on my new pay schedule.

First of all figuring bills that are due on the 15th, 1st, 18th, 25th, etc every month is a lot harder to figure out how to pay when you don't get paid on a steady day of the month.

Second, at first glance it looked like we were getting this huge help with this "transition check" now that I'm looking at it, I'm missing 1/4 of the income I would have been recieving next month. That's on top of the 26 pay week vs 24 pay week adjustment. That's nearly an $800 gross income loss. Right before Christmas and right before my last car payment, and after I dipped heavily into my savings to redo my bedroom.

I'm afraid to post stuff on ebay like I usually do, even though i have a closet full of costumes that are ready, because I'm already going to be scrambling just to get my bills met with out having to pay ebay fees this month.

It's going to take me at least 2 months to get things sorted, which will take me up to my birthday, which won't give me enough time to save for a trip, which just depresses me more.

Now I understand the chanting.

 

[the captians wench]

Nothing irritate Jounar more than when I answer one of his questions with "what ever you like", but I can't seem to help myself most of the time. It seems that answer is the one that usually comes into my head most often.

I did it again last night, and since then I've been trying to figure out why I do it. I know at first it was conditioning. I was taught (not by him) that my wants, needs, and desires were not important, only the domly one's mattered. So when asked "would you like xyz" the proper answer was "if you would enjoy giving me xyz", perfect nothingness.

But Jounar isn't one of those domly types that wants a mindless drone, he wants me to have an openion and to express my openion. But I don't try to be a mindless drown. The fact of the matter is, most of the time I have no prefference as to what he's asking. I'm not sure he believes that though. It's almost like when he asks me something, he expects me to have an openion and a prefference, or to come up with one before answering.

I know some people with go into "what ever you like mode" whether they mean it or not, but that's not me. I really mean it when I say it. I'm not a very picky person. And most of the time I'd rather just follow some one else's lead rather than be the one to decide what we do or where we go or what not.

I think this comes down to something Mom and I were talking about involving a completely different area of my life. I just don't know what I like. I have an idea, on a lot of subjects, but there are a lot of things that I just don't know.

 

[the captians wench]

Every year around this time I start thinking about how things aren't how I had planned them to be at this stage in my life. I had always figured I'd have a big house, 3 boys running around, and a loving adoring husband.

It usually depresses me, infact, most of this year I've been a bit down on the fact that I'm not where I expected myself to be. But today I realize, I'm in a good place.

I have my own apt, which is slowly truely becoming my own. I just paid off my van so it's all mine now. I have a job that pays enough money to let me live the way I choose to live. Every year I make a bit more with the costumes. And I have people who love me, around the world and here.

That's really more than any one can hope to deserve.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Every year around this time I start thinking about how things aren't how I had planned them to be at this stage in my life. I had always figured I'd have a big house, 3 boys running around, and a loving adoring husband.

It usually depresses me, infact, most of this year I've been a bit down on the fact that I'm not where I expected myself to be. But today I realize, I'm in a good place.

I have my own apt, which is slowly truely becoming my own. I just paid off my van so it's all mine now. I have a job that pays enough money to let me live the way I choose to live. Every year I make a bit more with the costumes. And I have people who love me, around the world and here.

That's really more than any one can hope to deserve.

The bolded part is the most important part of all. You love someone special who loves you back. There are people who live their whole lives never being able to experience that.

(I keep having to remind myself of that, too)

 

[the captians wench]

The bolded part is the most important part of all. You love someone special who loves you back. There are people who live their whole lives never being able to experience that.

(I keep having to remind myself of that, too)

My problem isn't usually that I have to remind myself that I'm loved so much as it is that I have to remind myself that I deserve to be loved.

I'm very hard on myself, I realize this. I set very high standards for myself, and if I fall short of those, I have a tendancy to over react. It's something I'm working on. Life isn't perfect, so I shouldn't expect perfection out of myself. And just because I don't always meet those high standards doesn't mean that I don't deserve love and happiness.

 

[the captians wench]

This year has been all about changing my life, and I have made some pretty big changes. I'm not letting people walk all over me any more. I speak up for myself at work. I stopped giving power to people in my life who didn't deserve it, and I've stopped talking to people who just wanted to put unnessisary drama in my life, even if they are family. Snip you're gone.

I get side tracked pretty easily, so some things didn't go as I planned. I wanted to be a lot further in legitimizing my costume business, but I have made steps towards it.

Jounar always asks me what my new year's resilutiion is. The truth is I don't really believe in them, but I usually come up with something anyway. This year I'm going to continue to take my life off pause.

I want a house. I've always wanted a house of my own. Since I was a child I've dreamed of a house of my own. I love my apt, but it is just too small. I want a place, well I want a studio really. I want to be able to paint my walls or change the stove with out worrying about permission. I want the kitchen of my dreams where I can see and use all of my fancy gadgets.

I'm also going to work on getting more formal with my costume business. I clock in and out of the mc job now, so I can only work 45 hours a week there, which means devoting the extra 10 hours I used to work there to my business should be a brease, as long as I keep structured. I have to start thinking of it as a second job if I want to make any progress.

I'm going to go back to clocking in and out to work on costumes. I'm also going to set myself a schedule, just like I get at mcwork. Start holding myself accountable like I would any other employee.

And I'm going to do the things I want this year. I'm going to make a list of things I want. Special vacation, new vacume, new microwave, surger, embroydery machine, that chair I saw, a house, everything and put them in the order of desire with the price range beside it. Set it up like one of those "rewards" programs. When I have enough for one, I can look on the list and see how far up it was on the list and decide if I really want/need that now, or if I should keep saving.

I think I'll work out a business plan as well. Set goals for the year and break it down into monthly targets and budgets just like I do at the mcjob.

This year I set goals, but kind of just floated and did what ever, but not too much because what if I'm only here for another year or two.

Next year, I'm going back to my structured way of life, and I'm going to stop worrying about the possibility that I'm only going to live here a few more years. I haven't recieved any sort of formal decloration, so I need to live my life how I want to live it, and if that means selling a house in 2/3/5/10 years, well so be it. In the mean time I'll have my studio, I'll have the freedom to paint and decorate how I want, I'll have the freedom to grow what ever I can manage to keep alive and dedicate as much space to it as I want. I'll have the freedom to live instead of waiting for something I have no garentee of getting.

2011 is about working towards my dreams, instead of just dreaming.

 

[catalina_francisco]

All sounds good. Life is too short to sit around counting on what if's. Before you know it 5 years have gone and you have done nothing because you are on hold. I hope it all happens for you and J, but if he hasn't gotten around to formalising anything, you need to keep living....who knows, you taking charge of your life might motivate him to start doing the same and end the waiting.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I was sitting around with some friends last night watching "teenmom". M was kind of making fun of the girls because they had this fairtail idea that life would go on forever with this boy that knocked them up. I mentioned that I have 2 16 year old cousins who recieved engagement rings for christmas. They both looked at me funny. Then I remembered, and blurted out, I got mine when I was 16, on valentine's day. Out of the 5 of the girls I knew in high school who were 16 and engaged, I was one of 3 who wasn't pregnant, and the only one who actually got married at 18 to the same boy I was engaged to then.

I first thought it sounds rather silly of me to have done such a thing. Then I look at my cousin's and how they are so sure the world is going to be perfect and they'll always have the money they need, and food to eat, and a place to live, and the people they love, and get to go out and party when ever they want and so on, and I realize something, I was never like that.

I knew exactly what marriage would mean at 16. I knew that we would struggle. I knew how much money we had to make to be able to get by, how much to live comfortably, and how much to live nicely. I knew how to budget, how to pay bills, how to ballence a check book, and most of all, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person in the bad times as much as the good.

My mom tells me I wasn't a normal teen. I didn't really go thru the whole teen mentality. I've always been very self aware and knew what to expect out of life. On the same note, I've also always been very rainbows and sunshine. I expect the world to be just as happy and trustworthy as I am. A friend of mine says I'm very impish.

So maybe it wasn't such a silly thing for me. It was probably not too bright to go against my insticts (I wanted to just live together, not get married right away, but I got caught up in the romance of the moment).