random ramblings

[the captians wench]

So I'm starting to think that this whole "feeling fat" thing is more than just PMS moody/bloated/ will pass in a week stuff. I'm having a hard time taking pics and making vids for Jounar the past couple of weeks because honestly I can't look at them.

Now I've never really admired the pics he asks for. He's a basic guy and likes basic "ooh look naked chick" pics. He doesn't need a lot of art, and that's fine. But I don't really enjoy pics that are all "look at my tits" in style. I like a bit of grace and artistic flair, so the pics I regularly send him get sent and deleted with out me even looking at them for the most part. And always have.

The problem comes in that my digi is sick and I don't know when or if it will decide to work again. So that leaves me standing infront of a full length mirror with my phone. I hate, loathe even, mirror pics like that. But what's worse is that it forces me to spend a lot of time looking at myself and it's getting harder and harder to feel sexy looking at my side cleavage.

My eating habbits have gone down hill again. I'm choosing convenient over what's good for me. Let's face it, it's just too easy to grab a cheeseburger on my way out from work than think about cooking. And I'm not exactly the most active person. I'm on my feet all day, the idea of doing anything after work just does not excite me. And I know that's partly because I'm not currently active. I know a lot of my coworkers and counterparts go do an hour at the gym after working a 9 hour shift, but that has never excited me.

I make excuses. I don't want to pay for a membership cause it wouldn't get much use. The fact is there is a small gym here in my apt complex, and it's just a one time deposit of $10. I could use it when I want, as often as I want. but I don't.

I'm really thinking I should check it out when I go renew my lease. I could always take some knitting or hand work and bike for an hour. It might not be the most complete work out, but it would be something. I need to work that into my schedule. I'm really thinking I need to micro manage myself a bit more. Set out schedules, goals, rewards and consiquences.

I really do accomplish more when I'm more structured. I've been trying to wing it for too long.

 

[Keroin]

Set out schedules, goals, rewards and consiquences.

I really do accomplish more when I'm more structured. I've been trying to wing it for too long.

This is important, Wenchie. Very few people succeed at anything without clear goals and motivation - don't think this is some kind of weakness on your part.

I know you don't feel keen on exercising, especially after a long day but I'm going to encourage it. (Surprised? LOL ) I've said this over and over again here but I really can't stress it enough, if you want to do something active find an activity you enjoy. Motivation is 90% of the battle, if not more. You need something you'll look forward to, otherwise you will think of it as 'work' and how motivated is anyone to work after a long day of...work?? Do what you an for now, but start thinking about physical activities you might want to try. There are lots that don't require much money if any.

Even a walking club could be fun, just to have a group to walk and talk with and get outside.

 

[intothewoods]

I would start with walking. Or dancing around your apartment if you like that better. Make a mix of your favorite high energy music on your mp3 player and do it first thing after work. Set a goal of doing it 3x a week, then up it to four, then five. Do a half hour at each clip. Walk as fast as you can. It's such great stress relief. Once you get into a routine, you will look forward to it.

As far as diet goes, you were doing really well. Don't give up. You can do this!

 

[the captians wench]

This is important, Wenchie. Very few people succeed at anything without clear goals and motivation - don't think this is some kind of weakness on your part.

I know you don't feel keen on exercising, especially after a long day but I'm going to encourage it. (Surprised? LOL ) I've said this over and over again here but I really can't stress it enough, if you want to do something active find an activity you enjoy. Motivation is 90% of the battle, if not more. You need something you'll look forward to, otherwise you will think of it as 'work' and how motivated is anyone to work after a long day of...work?? Do what you an for now, but start thinking about physical activities you might want to try. There are lots that don't require much money if any.

Even a walking club could be fun, just to have a group to walk and talk with and get outside.

I don't have as much trouble in the spring and summer. In the summer I can swim, which feels really good on a hot day, and I love it so much that the laps doesn't even feel like work. Like you said. And when it's warm out, spring and fall, I love walking. Well, I love it once I start doing it. I was walking a mile every day, and at one point twice a day. It's just hard getting started. It takes a week or two for me to get into the groove.

I think I'll look up that strip-ercise class. I know there's one down town. I've always wanted to do something like that. I think it would be fun.

 

[the captians wench]

I would start with walking. Or dancing around your apartment if you like that better. Make a mix of your favorite high energy music on your mp3 player and do it first thing after work. Set a goal of doing it 3x a week, then up it to four, then five. Do a half hour at each clip. Walk as fast as you can. It's such great stress relief. Once you get into a routine, you will look forward to it.

As far as diet goes, you were doing really well. Don't give up. You can do this!

Thanks ITW.

Now that I think of it, you might have just given me an idea.

I used to belly dance. I really loved it and mom gave me cds with "traditional belly dance" music on them. And Jounar just loves seeing my ass jiggle. Maybe I can combine my exercise with my video requirements.

 

[the captians wench]

I am such an emotional creature. It's very upsetting some times. One unsettling dream and I'm wanting to curl away and hide from the world.

Well, if I'm honest I've felt that way for about 3 days now, which means I'm right on track as my monthly is due in another 2 or 3 days.

I was doing so good there for so long. What happened?

 

[the captians wench]

I'm ready for a vacation.

I need a different local for a while. Some where to refresh my mind and regroup my thoughts.

Maybe I'll look up one of those castles I've wanted to see, or a few of them. If I could get in and out of my dress by myself I'd pack it and rent a spot for a few days where I could play make-believe for a while.

 

[the captians wench]

I knew this would happen. I knew I wouldn't be good enough, I never will be and yet still I let my self get all excited and prepared to present all that I have accomplished only to let it be underminded and said it's not enough.

Of course I'm talking about how my meeting with the supervisor went yesterday. I know he's an ass, and I know that I could run things perfectly and he would just go back and ask me why I didn't turn the sky purple that day or something stupid, and yet I still let myself get excited because I just knew that I would be able to show him this time what a great job I've done since mid year.

I don't know why I give that man so much power over me. That little meeting has had me crying for a whole day now, and so discouraged that I don't even want to go to work. He makes me question everything.

I naturally have a submissive personality. Even before I knew there was such a thing as a "submissive". When I strong personality crosses my path, I tend to step back. I've tried to fight it, but it's just hard. And he is a very strong personality, so I know I fall back when he's there, I fight it, but the one time I did stand up and try to take charge even when he was there he yelled at me and said that I didn't need to manage him. so this time when he was there, of course I fell back into old patterns.

My GM is happy with me, she told me the night before that I really have made a lot of strides these 6 months, but some how that's just not enough to keep me from feeling like shit in just 3 minutes with the sup.

I hate that man. I hate that I let him have such power over me, and I hate that I feel like there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[the captians wench]

So a month ago (more or less) Jounar gave me a daily assignment. Pretty much the first one that has ever lasted long.

The jist of it is that I have to send him at least one video of myself every day. And I can't make a bunch at once and just send one a day to him, but I can send as many over that one each day that I like. With that, for each vid I send I have a chance to earn an orgasm, however if I miss one day then the bonus is over and I'll still have to send one a day, but with out the posibility of a reward.

It hasn't been easy, I've only earned 5 orgasms so far, and for the most part they have been fairly unpredictible as to what will get one and what won't.

At first I miss understood him and thought every vid would be awarded an orgasm, so I used the first one right away. But once I realized that wasn't the case I got a bit more judicous with them.

The other day I mentioned that I had been trying to use another one of these for 4 days, unsucessfully. I had decided to use another one today, got to the edge and lost interest in finishing, much like the last time.

I realized something from this. It's not so much the orgasim that I'm after, as the feeling of accomplishment of earning one. It's like a challenge, and I have to win. I'm just after the praise, not the actual orgasm.

I really am a needy creature.

 

[the captians wench]

I've always kept the scraps I cut off. Especially when I make really big pieces because they leave these really weird large shapes that really have a lot of usable fabric. That's how I got into making children's stuff. I took the scraps from my really big skirts, and made todler dresses.

I started getting into doll costumes, but I just don't enjoy that, so I end up with a lot of scraps that are too small for me, but look too usable for me to throw out.

My mom has a friend who's an older lady, on social security, who loves to sew and craft, but barely has enough money to feed herself properly, so buying fabric is pretty much limited to what she can find at the thrift store. Well she likes making doll clothes, so I asked mom if her friend might like my scraps. She loves them. And I bought a couple of Ren themed patterns for her, and she is just tickled pink.

So that takes care of those scraps, but my surger really puts off a lot of waste. It's only like an 1/8 of an inch most of the time, but I fill a 3 gallon trash can full of it once a week or so. That just seemed like such a waste to me. Well mom told me she's gotten into making pillows, but, having been unemployed for a year now, she can't afford the stuffing for them. I offered her my waste, and she has made some of the softest pillows with it. And since she's using stuff that I would just throw away, she can really over stuff the pillows. And since her friend found out about this, she has been giving my mom the cuttings that are too small for her to use.

I really love this process. I make a dress, use the scraps for todler dress, give scraps to mom who might be able to get an apron out of them, she gives scraps to her friend who makes doll clothes, and she gives my mom back the cuttings and tiny scraps to fill pillows with. The whole thing excites me, even if I'm the only one spending money.

I was also thinking marketing, and the whole "green" movement. My waste is being utilized by other people for other projects. But mom and I can't figure out how to word this.

If anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them.

But really I'm just terribly thrilled with the idea in general. Even if it doesn't give me a boost.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've always kept the scraps I cut off. Especially when I make really big pieces because they leave these really weird large shapes that really have a lot of usable fabric. That's how I got into making children's stuff. I took the scraps from my really big skirts, and made todler dresses.

I started getting into doll costumes, but I just don't enjoy that, so I end up with a lot of scraps that are too small for me, but look too usable for me to throw out.

My mom has a friend who's an older lady, on social security, who loves to sew and craft, but barely has enough money to feed herself properly, so buying fabric is pretty much limited to what she can find at the thrift store. Well she likes making doll clothes, so I asked mom if her friend might like my scraps. She loves them. And I bought a couple of Ren themed patterns for her, and she is just tickled pink.

So that takes care of those scraps, but my surger really puts off a lot of waste. It's only like an 1/8 of an inch most of the time, but I fill a 3 gallon trash can full of it once a week or so. That just seemed like such a waste to me. Well mom told me she's gotten into making pillows, but, having been unemployed for a year now, she can't afford the stuffing for them. I offered her my waste, and she has made some of the softest pillows with it. And since she's using stuff that I would just throw away, she can really over stuff the pillows. And since her friend found out about this, she has been giving my mom the cuttings that are too small for her to use.

I really love this process. I make a dress, use the scraps for todler dress, give scraps to mom who might be able to get an apron out of them, she gives scraps to her friend who makes doll clothes, and she gives my mom back the cuttings and tiny scraps to fill pillows with. The whole thing excites me, even if I'm the only one spending money.

I was also thinking marketing, and the whole "green" movement. My waste is being utilized by other people for other projects. But mom and I can't figure out how to word this.

If anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them.

But really I'm just terribly thrilled with the idea in general. Even if it doesn't give me a boost.

You really are a sweet being. It's late here, so excuse how bad this might be, how about 'Green, with every seam' or 'Going green, by stitch and seam'?

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

You really are a sweet being. It's late here, so excuse how bad this might be, how about 'Green, with every seam' or 'Going green, by stitch and seam'?

Catalina

Hmm...."M'lady's going green, by stitch and seam"...workable. . . deffo potential.

I'm really looking for a way to talk about the process with out saying I'm donating my waste fabric to my mom. Some how helping out moma just doesn't sound as professional as I've been trying to keep my websites.

Thanks for your comments Cat.
Oh how rude of me to have to edit and add this!

 

[the captians wench]

I feel sick.

Came on last night, rather suddenly. I got thru my entire shift, and then in the car I started vomiting. I had to sit there for 15 minutes until it stopped, and I don't usually vomit. I had a bag in the van, so that was good, but the bag ripped, so now I have a mess to clean, which will make me sick I'm sure. I couldn't clean it last night because the light in my van is out and it was 4 am.

I hate being sick. Especially this kind of sick. I don't really feel bad, just every now and then my stomach rebells.

 

[the captians wench]

I rely too much on other people.

It's a really strange feeling to come to this realization. I never really cared what people think before, or at least I thought. The truth of the matter is I'm just like every one else and have a need to feel accepted by some one, or groups of some ones.

In some cases I feel like I put my hopes in empty vesals. My supervisor is an ass. For some reason he doesn't like me. Maybe it really is true and he really does believe that I'm wasting my tallent because I have no ambition with Mcd's. Or maybe he's still bitter because I called HR when he decided to teach me a lesson by stealing money from my deposit.

In the past 8 months I have worked very hard to maintain the standard of excellence that my GM expects. She admits that I am a completely different manager than I was last year at this time. But in my year end review, my supervisor spoke to me as if I had not accomplished anything. He belittled every achievement I've made, great or small, saying the exact same thing he did in my prior year end. It has been very discouraging. He does say I do a good job on the schedule, but then will correct himself by saying "that's not what we need". Jounar thinks I should report him for bullying. I honestly don't see any good coming from that, but that's really how I feel. My GM says I take things to personally, but even when I express these feelings of intimidation to my supervisor, he says I'm making excuses and he's not going to change, so I need to just toughen up. I'm so sick of letting this man have the power to make me spend days crying just because I know he's going to be in the store later in the week. I look forward to Thursdays because I know at least for a few moments he'll have something nice to say about it (my crew schedule).

But it's not just him. I don't have a lot of friends. Partly due to working so many hours in the past, partly due to being so shy, partly due to not being permitted to socialize with co-workers above or below me (which is every one btw), and partly because I just never knew how to really make friends. I seem to be a personality that people attach to, but easily forget. I've never been able to maintain a freindship for very long, well at least not many. I had two real friends all through school, and while I always seemed to be surounded by people, I wasn't the one that got invited to go out. So the few friends I do have I fully rely on for my entertainment and socail needs. That's really not fair to any one involved.

I guess it's just people I have more than a casual aquaintance with. I supose it's not completely unreasonable to want their aproval. I just have to work on this whole need for aproval thing. Or maybe more the disapointment when I don't get as much of it as I want.

 

[the captians wench]

My newest manager trainee has a birthday the day after mine. The crew were asking how old she will be and she told them 28, making me exactly one day older than she is. I am still shocked.

She acts so much younger than I do. It makes me feel old(er). I don't know how to explain it really, just the way she talks and interacts with people. I thought she was closer to 21-22. It made me wonder if maybe I'm just a stick in the mud.

Then I went out with some friends on paddy's day. Now they are 40+ and all of their friends we met up with are about that age. We started out in an Irish pub that was kind of like meeting in some one's living room. Little groups just chatting and drinking, and nibbling on different yummies. Then we went to another pub, one that was having more of a block party. The crowd was younger, more my age. They had a live band, playing billboard music, serving green beer, and the whole atmosphere was more like a frat party. I didn't like it, and I was glad when we decided to go back to the first place.

It was just funny because everyone was talking about not liking the younger crowd, and I realized that I fit in better with the "older" ones. I supose it has a lot to do with my ambitious nature. I don't really have great ambitions of world domination or anything, but I've always been a goal setter. I have a goal and I work hard to achieve it in the time that I set myself. Which is why I've been so freaked about getting closer to 30.

I enjoyed drinking with this group. It wasn't like drinking with others my age. It wasn't roudy and "crazy", it was layed back and calm. I felt safe letting go and having more than my normal. It was very relaxing.

So maybe I just skipped that crazy "20 something" stage. I don't really feel like I missed out, but I just feel a bit curious how my life would be different if I had been more outgoing and more able to fit into that crowd.

 

[the captians wench]

This is probably a little thing to most people, but I made a really huge positive step yesterday.

While I was out shopping I started 2 conversations with strangers.

You have to understand that I'm usually so shy that I don't even talk to the cashier past "hello". And I've been feeling a lot lately that it's really holding me back in many areas of my life. I can't have my mom holding my hand all of the time, she won't be my PR person forever.

They weren't indepth political debates, but they were warm and friendly exchanges.

I'm really proud of myself.

 

[minx1]

This is probably a little thing to most people, but I made a really huge positive step yesterday.

While I was out shopping I started 2 conversations with strangers.

You have to understand that I'm usually so shy that I don't even talk to the cashier past "hello". And I've been feeling a lot lately that it's really holding me back in many areas of my life. I can't have my mom holding my hand all of the time, she won't be my PR person forever.

They weren't indepth political debates, but they were warm and friendly exchanges.

I'm really proud of myself.

Good on you wenchie. It takes a lot to put yourself out there and talk to strangers when you feel so shy. You are right to feel proud of yourself.

Keep it up and as your confidence soars, there will be no stopping you

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

This is probably a little thing to most people, but I made a really huge positive step yesterday.

While I was out shopping I started 2 conversations with strangers.

You have to understand that I'm usually so shy that I don't even talk to the cashier past "hello". And I've been feeling a lot lately that it's really holding me back in many areas of my life. I can't have my mom holding my hand all of the time, she won't be my PR person forever.

They weren't indepth political debates, but they were warm and friendly exchanges.

I'm really proud of myself.

Good to hear. I know how hard that can be.

 

[FurryFury]

Good for you! Little steps all add up to take you where you want to go.

*HUGS*

FF

 

[the captians wench]

Well I drug my feet and now the premier is sold out.

That movie that my school mate produced, and I was interviewed to work on and then dropped with out word, is premiering tomorrow. The open invitation has been posted for near 2 weeks. I should have reserved a ticket when they first posted.

Two reasons I didn't. One, tomorrow is my birthday, and I was hoping some one might surprize me and call to take me for dinner, or want to meet up, or something. Two, I'm terribly shy and I was afraid I'd end up just sitting in a cornor alone anyway.

I sent a text to my school mate, asking her to put me on standby. But I'm sure I'm not the first one on that list at this point.

It's my own fault, and this is exactly what I was talking about in my last post. This could have been a great opportunity to network and make some contacts, and get my name out. But I let my shyness, my fear stop me from even trying.

I'm really disapointed.

But at least I reached out to my school mate. I really doubt anything will come of it, but at least I did that.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm so tired.

I feel emotionally evaporated and I'm starting to have cutter cravings. I'm not sure if it's any better to have some one do it to me, like I usually ask for, but that's not an option right now anyway, well not a promising one anyway.

I just need to be broken down, pushed beyond this hard outer core. I need my shell cracked and just let everything run out.

I've never been a cryer. I've always bottled it in, had to be strong, have to keep pushing through. So when I get close to my breaking point, my shell thickens and I end up fighting against myself. It was easier when I had friends that could beat me when I needed to cry. But that's not as easy anymore, having some one who can break me down to a puddle of tears. I need it. I need to let go, and I can't. I start to cry and that "push through" instinct kicks in and I clam up before I feel fully released.

I just don't know how long I can keep pushing. Something's gotta give.

 

[the captians wench]

I've come upon a strange realization tonight. Well strange as it's related to a realization I had several weeks ago.

I was watching the tail end of the last show in "Little Dorrit". The wedding made me think of my grandmother's dolls. She had one set that was promised to me. One set of 4 dolls out of what had to be at least 100. The set was of 4 generations of a wedding gown. It started very big and poofy 1850's I think it was, and ended very art deco. It's one of the few fond memories I have of my grandmother. When she first received the last in the set, we sat for hours comparing and contrasting each doll from details in the face to how each dress might have been altered to create the next.

When she died, my grandfather decided to sell the house. He wanted to keep the dolls until the house was sold. As I am not close to my father nor his family, I didn't find out that the house had sold for some months after the fact. I was devastated. No one knew, or would admit, what happened to the dolls. One aunt had promised me only one of the four claiming it wasn't fair to any one else, my grandfather thought that nonsense as I was asking for no other of her treasures and every one else was receiving one "case" doll, one "common" doll and one tea pot.

I cried for days over the loss of these dolls. Tonight I realized I haven't thought of them in a year or two. This has made me think of other "prized" possessions I have. I've realized there are very few I am attached to, and even less I would be upset about loosing.

This isn't that uncommon for me. I loose interest in things rather quickly. What's the odd part of all of this is that I have realized I've become a shopper.

For a long time I was an emotional eater. I ate to celebrate, I ate when I was depressed, sad, excited, upset, bored, as my emotions went to extremes so did my eating. I broke that habit. I thought I was over that sort of behavior, but in the last year or so I've noticed I go shopping near every day, and a majority of the stuff goes untouched. I have bags of brand new things by the door. I have so much fabric and trims I can't fit it all on my shelves.

I know I'm replacing, compensating. I also know I need to break this habit. No more justifying it as "a business investment". I have enough fabric and trim to last the rest of the year, and maybe more. I should save that money. I don't need stuff. I don't even want it. I'm hurting my financial self by emotional shopping, just as I was hurting my physical self by emotional eating. It's time to fix these and work on my emotional self.

 

[intothewoods]

bravo wenchie.

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks ITW.

Well this weekend has been a real test.

My favorite sale was going on. 50% off clearance fabric and a 10% off total purchase coupon. I resisted all weekend, but coming home from work tonight I felt weak and decided to stop in and see if I could find something I couldn't live with out. . .They were closed. Turns out they closed early today.

Bullet dodged. And I'm not really that upset about it. Like I said, I really have more than enough fabric to keep me happy for quite a while. Besides, they'll probably do the same sale for July 4th.

 

[the captians wench]

I had a random thought pop into my head. If there was a restart button for life, would I hit it.

The thought stuck and I came to the conclution that it wouldn't matter. Deep down I know I wouldn't have done any differently if I knew the out come. One, I'm stubborn, and two every choice I've made has been well me.

The root of it all is I'm a romantic, I always have been, and I hope I always will be. Every step I've taken in life has been as the happy go luckly giggly hopelessly romantic wenchie. And I think I'm at a point where I can honestly say I don't regret a thing.