random ramblings

[the captians wench]

So walking back from the pool I ran into my ex. (his grandfather lives in the apt across from mine)

It was interesting. Was the first time I have had a conversation with him and was honestly happy enough with my life to not feel threatened by him.

Was a good thing I think.

 

[midwestyankee]

So walking back from the pool I ran into my ex. (his grandfather lives in the apt across from mine)

It was interesting. Was the first time I have had a conversation with him and was honestly happy enough with my life to not feel threatened by him.

Was a good thing I think.

Bravo! Big smiles here.

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks MWY, and Hottie too.

I also had a conversation with a stranger at the pool too. Nice enough girl, offered to go walking with me some time because she needs a partner, but she irritated me because she's from the other complex and isn't suposed to be swimming in my pool.

Wasn't sure how to politely tell her the reason she's not suposed to come swim in our pool are the same reasons she gave for not liking hers.

 

[the captians wench]

Well, I'm officially scared enough that I am cashing in my Euro.

The coin is left over from when I was in Ireland, and I've put back a 1 e cent, 2 e cent, and a euro coin, all with the Irish Harp on the back, for my personal keep sakes, but I'm taking the rest to the bank.

I bought the rest of it when Greece first went into trouble and 1 euro = 1.28 usd. I figured that I'd never get that great a price, so I bought it then figuring I'd use it when I went over again. Two years later, I didn't make my trip, and countries are falling left and right.

There's a lot of controversy over whether the Euro Zone will keep the one currency or go back to individual. And after talking to Jounar, I'm convinced it's just time.

I've been struggling with this for a few months. Part of me felt like if I cashed in the Euro, it would be admitting that I'm not going to make a trip any time soon. I've since realized how silly this actually was. Saving the money in Euro form was easier, but not the only way.

I think I'm way too into symbols. I never was superstitious before, but in the past 3-4 years, I've become very much so. Looking for hidden meanings in everything. I've also noticed my confidence level has dropped some what. I've always been frightfully shy, but I haven't had this...fear of people since my step father died. So I started thinking about what's similar and what's changed and it all relates to confidence. So that's the next issue I'm working out. getting my confidence back. That lack of fear of judgement that I once had, that really defined a large part of my life.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, I have two goals for the end of this year.

1. Drop 50bls
2. Have a savings equal to 3 months pay.

I'm thinking about starting a blog, or a blog each, for these. I tend to do better when I have to answer to some one other than myself, but at the same time I really would like to work on me being more independant and not relying on others so much.

I have a couple of thoughts in place on how to accomplish these. For the weight loss I'm thinking of joining one of those striper-cise clases. Or belly dance. Either one would be a lot of fun, would help strengthen my core, which would help the back issue, and I could make stuff to wear for them, so that would help keep me interested. Either that or I'll just get over the money issue, look at it as an investment in myself, and join a gym with a pool.

With the money thing, living litterally on half my income has shown me that there is no reason I shouldn't have a nice chunk in savings. I want to have a nice little soft spot so that if something like this happens again, I'm not as stressed about how I'm going to pay my rent and such. While I have a savings goal, this is more about catching up debt and forming financially sound habbits.

I've always used a walmart gift card to buy my gas. Now I save 10 cents a gallon doing that, plus I buy my card with my paypal debt card, so I get back 1% at the end of each month. This has been great because I don't spend my gas money on something else. I buy $100 card, and that's enough to get me 2 fill ups, which is 2 weeks worth. I'm contemplating doing my groceries the same way. Since I mostly shop at walmart anyway, it's close to my apt and the cheapest with out having to drive 30 mins away. What I worry with this is spending my gas money on other things. Maybe I should have 2 cards, one marked gas and one marked food. The idea is that if I don't have money on the card, then I can't buy what ever it is I'm trying to buy.

I also maxed out both of my credit cards while I was out, so getting those to a 0 balance by the end of the year is another goal mixed in there.

Once I'm back to work full time and can start selling costumes again, I'm confident this will be easier. I have a whole closet ready to take to the flea market and such. I found a farmer's market right by my house (I can almost walk there) that provides a table and shelter, and it's free to set up. Just show up and sell. I'm hoping I get back in time to do that at least once before they shut down. Can't beat free.

I've also been trying to find arts and craft shows and fairs around me that I can set up at. Not having much luck there. Anyone that has tips on how to find these would be my bff.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Both are great goals! It can never hurt to get in shape or save money.

I would definitely work on paying off your credit cards first before you start saving. Every month they aren't paid off is doing damage to your credit score. So if you ever wanted to buy a house, car, or whatever, you'll have to spend more of your savings as a down payment because your credit score won't be as good.

If you don't want to do the blog and do it more on your own then you should buy a notebook. Use half for your finances and the other half for diet/exercise. Figure out what you spend money on each month and how much. Then figure out what you can cut out or cut down on to save money. Use it to also figure out what you eat and when you can/will exercise.

Planning everything out to the littlest detail will help you get to your goals. It will also make you accountable to yourself.

 

[the captians wench]

Both are great goals! It can never hurt to get in shape or save money.

I would definitely work on paying off your credit cards first before you start saving. Every month they aren't paid off is doing damage to your credit score. So if you ever wanted to buy a house, car, or whatever, you'll have to spend more of your savings as a down payment because your credit score won't be as good.

If you don't want to do the blog and do it more on your own then you should buy a notebook. Use half for your finances and the other half for diet/exercise. Figure out what you spend money on each month and how much. Then figure out what you can cut out or cut down on to save money. Use it to also figure out what you eat and when you can/will exercise.

Planning everything out to the littlest detail will help you get to your goals. It will also make you accountable to yourself.

I actually already do the note book thing for my finances. I have one of those mini ones. Each page has the date of a payday, which bills get paid on that day, and how much is left over. My problem is I've gotten away from that. I don't look at it as much as I should.

I got the credit cards to build my credit score. At the time I had no credit, which is worse than bad credit I'm told. The plan was that I would buy something little each month and pay off the complete balance. Then shit hit the fan, and I ended up paying some bills on them because I really didn't have much of a choice. So they are tops of that list, along with 2 bills I want to have paid off by the end of the year.

The savings goal probably isn't realistic with the credit cards and the bills needing paid first, but that's the goal anyway.

My problem with money is that I replaced emotional eating with emotional shopping. I have fabric out the ying yang and still I want more. I'm usually pretty good at setting goals for that as well. No more fabric until I finish xyz or no more fabric until I use up xyz amount. I guess I just haven't held myself accountable as much as I could be.

Thanks for the suport. I'm going to need all I can get!

So starting weight 242lbs, goal by Dec 31 192lbs.

 

[the captians wench]

Since my grandfather has been having strokes and now very literally has half a brain, it's become very obvious to me how little independence my grandmother has.

Grandma is from that generation when girl's only went to college to get a Mrs. degree. The generation where Stepford wives were the ideal. And now that she's having to think and do things for herself, I see her struggling. My gran hasn't voted with out asking her husband who she should vote for, she defers to him for everything. Even now when he can barely walk, when he wanted to buy fruit trees for the garden at $20 each, she tried to figure out who they could skip payment so he could buy 5 of them.

I can't imagine being 75 and looking at living alone with in the next 5 years, and not even being able to decide what to read that night. It's made me realize I don't want to be as dependant on people as I currently am. I'm 28 and went to the doctor alone for the first time last year. I am so introverted that I can barely say hi to the cashier at the store.

Not anymore.

The change has to start now. I've been making baby steps. Every time I go out I set a goal to start a conversation with a stranger. I've been handling my worker's comp case and only pulling my mom in when either I'm too drugged to really focus, or I'm in over my head.

I'm setting goals. I think a lot of them will be easier when I'm back to working. This whole accident shook my confidence up, and I'm only now seeing how much I've been struggling the past year or so.

I'm going to focus on me. Do the scary stuff. And I'm not going to run away and hide.

 

[the captians wench]

So last night was my 10 year high school reunion. Now I was a huge dork, and very shy in high school, so out of 300+ students in my graduating class, I only had maybe 3 or 4 people I'd call friends. I was a "good girl" so I never was invited to parties or anything like that. So I had earlier decided I wasn't going to go at all.

But then I started thinking about it. I am working very hard to come out of this shell. I'm trying to be more vocal and step out of my safety zone more and this would be a good time to network. So I decided to go. And almost backed out again in the parking lot.

I made a trip or two around the the crowd, not really saying much to anyone. Until the only flaming gay guy, bless his heart, in our entire town kind of took me under his wing a bit. He showered me with complements, loving the outfit that I made, and boosted my confidence enough for me to mingle.

After he left I ended up chickening out and leaving a bit after him, but I managed to pass out a few cards and talk to almost every one in the room. So I am proud of me.

 

[the captians wench]

I really didn't expect this kind of reaction from myself. I don't even know where it came from. One day I was fine, and then out of no where came a realization that I didn't like a part of this. But I've now spent the past 3 nights crying to myself trying to process these feelings until I fall asleep, only to wake up right back to the last thought I had.

I feel like it keeps slapping me in the face. The same thought, the same issue, the only real issue I can't justify and process through. It's driving me crazy!

I've always owned my own shit. I've had to. I don't get some one to snuggle on at night and hold me and help me work through any of the bad stuff, I've always had to be the strong one. I've always worked through all of my own hurt feelings with little more than a few emails. But this is...it's just too big for me. I can't get past it. And for some reason I can't seem to stop trying. So I keep running full speed into the same brick wall over and over and over again.

I know I'm being criptic, very out of character for me, but I can't bring this fully out in the open. I had to blurt, have to keep trying to release this toxin any way I can until our schedules coordinate and I can actually talk to who I need to. Though I fear a phone conversation is only going to highlight my issue rather than try to work through it. In fact, it would kind of be the point.

 

[the captians wench]

I orrder you to smile....please?

 

[the captians wench]

My last worker's comp settlement check came in this week.

Financial goals:

• I have my credit cards down to 50% of their limits, so I'm happy with that for now
• Electric bill is caught up
• Internet is caught up
• 2 misc bills paid off
• And I have enough in the savings for 1 month's rent

Over all I'm pretty happy with these accomplishments in such a short time. Especially since the electric and one of the misc bills were so high.

Since I'm back to work, I can start making money with costumes again. I have my first commistion of the year in the works, and it's already drawn some attention so I potentially have another!

After the past 2 weeks, feeling like everything was closing in (and oddly enough having little to do with finances), I am feeling at peace today, and I'm going to reward myself.

I'm going shopping! I've set a limit, and I won't go over it. Besides, next weekend is the sale I really want, and I want to make sure I have a chunck to spend then.

ETA: I've also dropped to 228lbs, but it's mostly because I've been so stressed I haven't been eating. I'm going to make a veggie run today and make up some stuff that I can freeze and heat when I go back to work. I'm also paying a bit extra to get small containers of things like tuna to take to work. Sure it ups my grocery bill, but it's much healthier for me, and I feel better when I eat better stuff. Also not eating McD's every day should help with my over all health. And I always ate the "healthy choices" anyway!

 

[the captians wench]

So I'm about to reveal something that makes me sound like a total nut job, but I need it out of me, and my mom is too stressed to follow.

I've always been highly self aware, even as a child, what I've never mentioned to anyone except my mom and one other person is that I dream about the different parts of my personality or psyches if you will. It sounds kind of like split personality disorder, but over the years I've become more and more confident that this is just my brain's way of processing.

Background:

My id is the perfect image of me, as I am on the day I dream about her, except maybe a few pounds lighter. Shy, bubbly, bashful, everything my friends know about me. She grows as I grow and is always my age.

My super ego is blond and changes age from being a bouncy 12 year old, to 20 something. She's always been one of these ages, no matter what age I am. She's a bit more out going, but she doesn't come into play a whole lot.

My ego is a man. He's athletic, blond or sometimes light brown haired, tallish (around the 6 ft mark) and always in his 20's since I've dreamt about him when I was 13. Very heroic type. In fact the first time he came to light it was because he was rescuing one of the other parts from a castle tower.

Now the one my mom thinks is strange is my alter ego. She would confuse this character with my super ego. But my alter ego is almost exactly my complete opposite. She's still short, but thin as a rail, busty, red headed, very out going and not afraid to speak her mind.

If you don't think I'm nuts yet, it gets better.

My ego is in-love with my alter ego, who returns the feeling. However, my id is also in love with my ego, but that is totally one sided, so my id is very jealous.

Freaked out yet?

Well I had a dream a night or two ago about ego and alter ego. Not that uncommon for me given the stress I've been under. They had their first fight. I've never seen these two argue, ever, but they went at it big time. It basically boiled down to my alter ego telling my ego to grow a pair and stop moping about and actually do something. Shit or get off the pot. Which if you knew the problem I've been dealing with (out side of grandpa) this would make perfect sense, except that my ego has never been one to back down, so the fact that he is even just hanging back and wallowing instead of taking action bothers me.

Anyway, this got me to thinking about the strange love triangle between ego, alter ego, and id. And now it's starting to bother me that my ego is so in love with my alter ego. I mean, my alter ego is not really what I want to aspire to be, she's just what I'm not. So I'm seeing the frustration and why my id is jealous, because ego should love who I am, not who I wish I was.

My mom however is more concerned over the fact that the id is jealous at all. She says that it would make sense if she was angry, but not jealous.

Anyway, i don't know what to make of all of this, except that now I've exposed that I'm a fucking mental case to the world. Well, I don't really believe that, but I recognize how absolutely nuts all of this is. Any psych majors wanna talk this out with me? *giggles*

 

[the captians wench]

I'm really just not feeling all the jazz about this concert that I was before, and I know why. I was super hyped to go with this one person, and she cancled because her tattoo is raw from being colored. It's just really highlighted the fact that I don't have many friends, and that's comming at a time when my hormones are in an up swing and I'm fighting that pre-mentstral depression anyway.

I'm really trying to get jazzed about it. I mean, at least I'm not looking at going alone. One of the managers from the old store is going with me. She's a few years younger than I am, but we have a good deal in common, and it potentially could be a lot of fun. But I've been her boss for 3 years, so it's kind of wierd too. I normally don't hang out with McDs people because they have strict rules about it, but I was desperate to have some one say they wouldn't mind spending an evening with me other than my mom.

 

[the captians wench]

Today we discovered that I am not attracted to men who are more feminine than I am.

Not a huge shock really.

 

[the captians wench]

So I walk into work today and they tell me one of the grills is down. Lovely.

This means I some how have to figure out how to go from cooking breakfast to cooking lunch with out the use of a grill. Then comes the real trouble, one of the clam shells on the working grill isn't working. So I really only have 1/2 a grill to cook all of our beef on. I suck it up and plan.

Made it through change over. Then we get hit with a massive lunch crowd. I can't possibly keep up with only 1/2 a grill, so I start laying the big meat on the 2nd half of the working grill and flipping it old school style. There litterally was no other way I was possibly going to keep up. Then I have to cook grilled chicken. So I end up with the chicken ring going, cooking little meat under the working clam, and squeezing in big meat where ever I found a warm spot big enough.

After we calm down I find out we did a $960 hour for noon hour and from the time I walked in until 3 we didn't have an hour under $750. Now those are tough dollars when you have 2 fully functioning grills. I had 1/2 a grill. And really they didn't wait long for anything.

I don't care what those upper management fucktards say. I am the shiznit.

 

[the captians wench]

Well, I made a new pacient appointment with a doctor that was refered to me by a coworker. I'll get a check up, and explain some of the issues I'm having, and hopefully get some tests scheduled.

So I'm going to stop looking at the scale for a bit, as this 20lb fluctuation from day to day is driving me batty, and look at measurements.

Bust: 51.5
Waist:44.5
Tummy:49.5
Hip: 52.5
R. Thigh:28
L. Thigh:28.75

I'm going to use these are my starting measurements, but compairing them to dress measurements I took not too long ago, I've lost 2" off of my waist and 1/2" off of my hips since March. Considering I spent the better part of the summer not being permitted to do much activity at all, I think that's nothing to sneeze at.

 

[the captians wench]

*realizing that my hormones are hightening everything right now I'm going to ramble anyway*

I some times wonder how long it would take people to notice I was missing. And then how long would it take for them to think to do something about it.

I'm sure work would be calling after I missed my first hour. But there isn't any one I talk to on a daily basis right now. And I'm fighting with my friends, and mom's busy with all the stuff with my grandparents, so it's become more common to talk maybe once a week with anyone out side of work, if that much.

So if I had some weird allergic reaction to a medication, or was in a car accedent or something like that, would any one even notice?

It really makes me sad that I can't answer this.

 

[the captians wench]

Weekly weigh in:

Bust: 51"
Waist:43.5
Tummy:44.75
Hip: 51.5
R. Thigh:25.75
L. Thigh: 26.5

And holding strong at 240lbs

But wholly cow!

Bust: -.5
Waist: -1
Tummy: -4.25
Hip: -1
R. Thigh:-3.25
L. Thigh: -2.25

That's some slimming! And it's giving me a lot more confidence than watching that damn scale.

This doesn't make me feel as bad about missing my walks so much, and at the same time makes me want to keep them more consistant. I'm so pumped!

 

[the captians wench]

So I deffinately feel the hormones more balanced today. I woke up with a smile and just feel energetic.

I had my doctor's apointment today. I like her. She's just a GP so she's not really going to help with my issues, but she listened, gave her imput, then said she would be happy to give a refural to anyone I chose.

She said she agrees with the OB/GYN that there's not a concern with PCOS because my periods seem to be regular. Which is only one symptom, I have all of the others, and all of them are getting worse. But she did admit that she really doesn't know a whole lot about the desease. I liked that. Willing to admit that you don't know goes a long way in my book. And like I said, she was very willing to send me to the specialist I want, and perscibed some basic blood work.

I'm feeling good about this. Unfortuanately in my sleep deprived state I forgot to look up the doctor's information, so I have to call the office back with that so I can get that other visit scheduled.

Still, I feel like things are moving forward, and I like that.

 

[the captians wench]

To say this week has been hell would be a massive understatement.

I didn't want to go to this store. On top of that, after being in the store for 10 days, the GM went on vacation leaving me in charge this week. And on top of that we also had 3 managers in classess most of the week and one out on berievement leave. Looked ugly to begin with.

Then the manager who was working on his two week notice, decided to pull some shit with me. He waited until the GM was on vacation to say he's upset that he's working 9 days in a row (the schedule had been posted for over a week) and he just wasn't coming in on Wednesday. I had no one to cover that shift. He knew he was screwing me, and he knew the GM would have told him the same thing I did, no coverage, sorry. But I figured if you're going to be an ass, I'm going to be a bitch and told him if he didn't show Wednesday, don't show the rest of the week.

Most of the managers at this store have really pulled through for me. They worked extra hours, came in early, stayed late, worked split shifts, what ever they had to do, they supported me. This really means so much to be. This week was already going to be a challenge with out this one manager being a prick. But most of the managers agreed with me, or just supported me anyway. There is one I need to sit down with and talk some things out.

Then last night I was planing on working a split myself. I left a bit early, and was coming back later. The manager there called me and told me "wenchie, I can stay the extra hour, you don't have to come in" I nearly cried! They know how much time I've put in over the last week and a half, and how drained I was feeling, and to show that kind of kindness. It just moved me, and makes me glad to be in a store where people take care of each other.

 

[the captians wench]

So I found out that the marketing job that I was interested in has no benefits and pays $3 an hour less, and no overtime.

My first reaction was "oh well, there's no way" but now I'm thinking about it a little more.

I think I'm going to talk to the supervisor about it a little further. If it means weekends and holidays off, and if I could talk them into keeping a few of my benefits, and slightly more pay, then maybe it would be worth it. Especailly now that we're open Christmas day.

Anyway, I guess it's worth talking to the supervisor for. I mean I can always say I'm not interested, but inquiries never hurt.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, so I missed a few weeks but here we go

Weekly weigh in:

Last measurements:
Bust: 51"
Waist:43.5
Tummy:44.75
Hip: 51.5
R. Thigh:25.75
L. Thigh: 26.5

And holding strong at 240lbs

This week's measurements:

Bust: 51.5"
Waist:43.
Tummy:50
Hip: 51
R. Thigh:24.25
L. Thigh: 24

Weight: 230


Difference:

Bust: +.5
Waist: -.5
Tummy: +5.25
Hip: -.5
R. Thigh:-1.5
L. Thigh: -2.5

The tummy could be bloating honestly, but I haven't been as diligent to my exercise as I was, so I actually expected more gain, but it looks like healthy eating habits are helping to keep trimming down.

In Financial news:
I paid off another medical bill, credit cards are still at half way mark and I was talked into getting one for Lane Bryant. The LB card is only $100, so the plan is to buy one new outfit a month, and pay the bill as soon as it comes in.

Over all, I'm happy with my progress on both of my goals.

 

[the captians wench]

Went to the doctor today because I feel like death warmed over, and since I have a doctor now I figured I should go get checked out before it gets into my famous week off in bed bought with bronchitis.

She said it's too soon! She said there's a 4-5 day window they play with, and don't like to give antibiotics until then, incase the body can fight it off on it's own. If I feel the same or worse Thursday, she'll call something in for me. Until then it's otcs and rest.

I also discovered that I hate their scale and I'm tempted to throw mine out. Yesterday mine said 230, today their's said 245.

 

[redslady]

Went to the doctor today because I feel like death warmed over, and since I have a doctor now I figured I should go get checked out before it gets into my famous week off in bed bought with bronchitis.

She said it's too soon! She said there's a 4-5 day window they play with, and don't like to give antibiotics until then, incase the body can fight it off on it's own. If I feel the same or worse Thursday, she'll call something in for me. Until then it's otcs and rest.

I also discovered that I hate their scale and I'm tempted to throw mine out. Yesterday mine said 230, today their's said 245.

Throw your's at their's and break them both, yup that's what I would do.

Snugglez in wenchie and I'll take care of you. Do you want tea? Some soup? I make the bestest chicken soup. Feel better hun