Self Harming, would you buy this?

[FurryFury]

I just want you to know that I am grateful to all that have posted so far. Thank you so much.

My Mom has been clinically depressed for over 17 years. There have been many, many suicide attempts and a butt load of drugs. It's been difficult to deal with to say the least.

I can't imagine dealing with it with my daughter. I just can't.

She was depressed when she was 12. She felt she was in hostile environment at school. At that time I was quite terrified. We took care of that, putting her in a different situation. She seemed to change overnight into a happy girl who laughed a lot.

She's been in therapy three times since she was little. Most of it's had to do with her bio father. I still don't know exactly what he did or did not do to her.

I've refused drugs for her all along. Now that she is nearly an adult she doesn't want them. I'm not about to try to make her take them unless things get much, much worse.

She and I have a pretty open, I'd say, very open, relationship. She comes to me first, well after yacking on message boards. Like mother like daughter?

When she was 13 she told me she thought she was bi. Now she is sure she is gay. I think all that lends itself to even more magnified feelings of isolation.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who shared what they did with me. I'm going to be basically researching the fuck out of this. She and I will be talking more as she wants to.

I do think it could have been an experimental phase. She told me she felt empty, and numb and just wondered what it would feel like, if she could feel it.

Around the same time she tried to throw a kid out of the house that was my son's play mate. She found him irritating. I was totally shocked. She later said she just wanted to see what if anything we would do about. That behavior was not repeated. It's never been okay to do anything remotely like that in our home. She got squashed damned fast.

I truly don't understand this child at times. We have areas of commonality, yet we are so different at times.

I'm depressed at times. I've had self harming thoughts and suicidal thoughts but I never did anything about it. The fact that she has done something scares the hell out of me. It brings to mind my Mom. Scary.

I think she is pretty burnt out on therapists right now. That's what she's indicated. She seems pretty happy but she does hunger for gay friends with whom she can be open. I want that for her.

Everyone lies a certain amount, to themselves or to others. She tends to be pretty honest but sometimes she changes the facts and believes the revision pretty firmly. Don't we all?

In many ways she is a better overall person than I am, more honest, more loving. My kids surprise me with the crap they don't try as much as what they do because I did a lot of shit. *L*

I'm freaking out but I'm trying not to.

I just want her to be able to live a fairly happy and productive life.

I'm tired and rambling. I better head to bed now. Thanks again for posting and helping me out.

*HUGS* to those that want em.

 

[human_male]

I used to when I was younger. I suppose I just grew out of it. I was suicidal back then aswell.

That's not really much help I suppose.

 

[Netzach]

I just want you to know that I am grateful to all that have posted so far. Thank you so much.

My Mom has been clinically depressed for over 17 years. There have been many, many suicide attempts and a butt load of drugs. It's been difficult to deal with to say the least.

I can't imagine dealing with it with my daughter. I just can't.

She was depressed when she was 12. She felt she was in hostile environment at school. At that time I was quite terrified. We took care of that, putting her in a different situation. She seemed to change overnight into a happy girl who laughed a lot.

She's been in therapy three times since she was little. Most of it's had to do with her bio father. I still don't know exactly what he did or did not do to her.

I've refused drugs for her all along. Now that she is nearly an adult she doesn't want them. I'm not about to try to make her take them unless things get much, much worse.

She and I have a pretty open, I'd say, very open, relationship. She comes to me first, well after yacking on message boards. Like mother like daughter?

When she was 13 she told me she thought she was bi. Now she is sure she is gay. I think all that lends itself to even more magnified feelings of isolation.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who shared what they did with me. I'm going to be basically researching the fuck out of this. She and I will be talking more as she wants to.

I do think it could have been an experimental phase. She told me she felt empty, and numb and just wondered what it would feel like, if she could feel it.

Around the same time she tried to throw a kid out of the house that was my son's play mate. She found him irritating. I was totally shocked. She later said she just wanted to see what if anything we would do about. That behavior was not repeated. It's never been okay to do anything remotely like that in our home. She got squashed damned fast.

I truly don't understand this child at times. We have areas of commonality, yet we are so different at times.

I'm depressed at times. I've had self harming thoughts and suicidal thoughts but I never did anything about it. The fact that she has done something scares the hell out of me. It brings to mind my Mom. Scary.

I think she is pretty burnt out on therapists right now. That's what she's indicated. She seems pretty happy but she does hunger for gay friends with whom she can be open. I want that for her.

Everyone lies a certain amount, to themselves or to others. She tends to be pretty honest but sometimes she changes the facts and believes the revision pretty firmly. Don't we all?

In many ways she is a better overall person than I am, more honest, more loving. My kids surprise me with the crap they don't try as much as what they do because I did a lot of shit. *L*

I'm freaking out but I'm trying not to.

I just want her to be able to live a fairly happy and productive life.

I'm tired and rambling. I better head to bed now. Thanks again for posting and helping me out.

*HUGS* to those that want em.

Are there any queer youth or queer family oriented organizations near you? It's great to have a supportive mom, but peer support also matters a lot.

 

[FurryFury]

Are there any queer youth or queer family oriented organizations near you? It's great to have a supportive mom, but peer support also matters a lot.

I've looked. So far the only ones that actually might be active seem to be at colleges. I'm thinking of having her pick out a course to take very soon so she can feel like a legit student and join one of these.

 

[Shankara20]

Are there any queer youth or queer family oriented organizations near you? It's great to have a supportive mom, but peer support also matters a lot.

Their might be a Gay Straight Alliance at her school or in the area link & link

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I've looked. So far the only ones that actually might be active seem to be at colleges. I'm thinking of having her pick out a course to take very soon so she can feel like a legit student and join one of these.

Is it possible that you could put your daughter in touch with someone on the BDSM boards that you trust who is queer? I think it could be better to encourage her to talk to someone you know and trust and that a one-on-one, even just online, might be a better first step for her than a group.

There are many groups in the UK for bisexual and homosexual teenagers but they are largely unregulated and therefore there is a lot of promiscuity. The ones that are regulated are often run by churches, who want to persuade teenagers with sexuality issues that heterosexual relationships are the only ones approved by god. There are a few genuine groups but they tend to be for over 16s.

Of course, I don't know what things are like where you live. If there are reputable groups for teens with no hidden agendas then it could be great for her.

 

[marieR19]

I don't really have much to add, everyone else has said it well, but....

*HUGS!!!* I'm so sorry Fury, I can't imagine how hard this must be. When I was a cutter, I was pretty much blind to my mom's reactions, so... I'm just really glad that it seems like you two are close and maybe that fact will help things.

I cut for a long time, for years it was the only thing I could do to stop my pain, my feelings, my anger, my depression... it was the only way I knew how to cope. Eventually I learned other coping stratagies, but I still cut and burned when things got too bad. It was hard to stop, really really hard... I tried so many times to stop because I knew it hurt my mom, and the other people who loved me. Eventually I realized it was one of those things that I couldn't do for others, I had to do it for myself. I had to WANT to stop. And eventually I did.


Heather

 

[FurryFury]

Their might be a Gay Straight Alliance at her school or in the area link & link

Thanks for the links!



I still haven't found anything active in our area. We've been to meetings before only to find no one there, buildings closed and that was very disappointing to say the least.

Where we live there are no high school and under groups that I've been able to find. Even the college ones are hidden behind a veil. It's difficult to find anything out and to see if they are really functioning.

 

[FurryFury]

Is it possible that you could put your daughter in touch with someone on the BDSM boards that you trust who is queer? I think it could be better to encourage her to talk to someone you know and trust and that a one-on-one, even just online, might be a better first step for her than a group.

There are many groups in the UK for bisexual and homosexual teenagers but they are largely unregulated and therefore there is a lot of promiscuity. The ones that are regulated are often run by churches, who want to persuade teenagers with sexuality issues that heterosexual relationships are the only ones approved by god. There are a few genuine groups but they tend to be for over 16s.

Of course, I don't know what things are like where you live. If there are reputable groups for teens with no hidden agendas then it could be great for her.

I think that's a great idea. I'm just not sure she would go for it. She'd have to be open to it. She can be pretty closed. I'll bring it up with her. Thanks for the great idea!

 

[FurryFury]

I don't really have much to add, everyone else has said it well, but....

*HUGS!!!* I'm so sorry Fury, I can't imagine how hard this must be. When I was a cutter, I was pretty much blind to my mom's reactions, so... I'm just really glad that it seems like you two are close and maybe that fact will help things.

I cut for a long time, for years it was the only thing I could do to stop my pain, my feelings, my anger, my depression... it was the only way I knew how to cope. Eventually I learned other coping stratagies, but I still cut and burned when things got too bad. It was hard to stop, really really hard... I tried so many times to stop because I knew it hurt my mom, and the other people who loved me. Eventually I realized it was one of those things that I couldn't do for others, I had to do it for myself. I had to WANT to stop. And eventually I did.


Heather

Thanks so much for your post.

*hug*

It does seem that the people I love don't think about how what they do or try to do will affect me, the same way I think about how what I do will affect them.

There are times when I don't want to be the responsible one trying to make sure everyone else has the right resources and are taken care of. There are times I'm not sure I can take any more stress. Somehow I always make it through.

*hug*

 

[bdsm_librarian]

Miss Fury , you may be interested in scanning BDSM & self harm again perhaps. There are specific references to BDSM related self harm as well as non BDSM related self harm and quite a few opinions that reflect interpretations of self harm behaviours based on access to literature exclusively.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for the link!

 

[_kiana_]

It sounds like you are doing everything as "right" as you can Fury. The fact that she is open and is willing to talk to you is very good.

I would say, for most people, self harm has nothing to do with suicidal thoughts or inclinations. It wasn't for me in the slightest. But as madetotakeit said, the only real way to know what it is for your daughter is to ask her straight out. It won't cause her to start thinking that way if she hasn't and it won't make things worse if she has. It sounds as though that her self harm isn't related, but I certainly don't see the whole picture or know her at all.

Self harm is an addiction like any other. The more a person relies on it the harder it is to stop. There was a time when I was self harming in some way a few times a day to get through. But I haven't hurt myself in those ways for over 4 years now. Part of it is because I know that if I start again, I simply won't have control of it. But the other part is because I know it hurts the people I love. And no matter how good it might feel to hurt myself, the people I care about are more important than temporary relief.

I don't know you too well, but you're obviously a wonderful Mom. Just make sure she knows you're there to support her. Maybe ask her to try to come talk to you when she feels the need to burn herself, before she actually does? Don't ask her to promise anything, but to try. Or at least tell her you're there at those times to talk to. Most of the time, someone to talk to when the need is bad enough, right in that moment, can take you through that moment, past the need.

*hugs*

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for posting about your experiences and ideas_Kiana_!

We did have a very good talk today. I don't think she is currently clinically depressed. I see her smile and hear her laugh often. That always makes me happy because I remember what she was like during the brief periods she has been clinically depressed.

I'm leaning toward believing that we did have that conversation and that she has quit self harming herself via burning or cutting after the four times I know about. I certainly hope that is all true.

If not, it will come out. I'm sure she knows she can always talk to me. I know coming out was scary because she'd read all these horror stories online at this gay boards about parents turning on kids. Still, she did it. She's always talked to me, eventually.

 

[_kiana_]

I'm sure she knows she can always talk to me.

Reminding her can never hurt.

 

[FurryFury]

Reminding her can never hurt.

True. I did bring it up today during our talk.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I know someone who went through this in his late teens and early 20s. He was gay, knew he was gay but was having lots of conflictions about it. Partly because he was afraid to come out to his family and how they would accept it.

He cut himself and made more than a couple attempts at suicide.

When the situation finally got to be more than he could control alone, and he had to finally come out to his family, everything improved.

Like you, his family was very accepting of him.

This was truly the definition of unconditional love to him. He believed that no one would love him anymore if they knew and then found out that nothing changed once he told them.

The rest is in the PM...

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks Rox for your post!

I was asking my girl today if coming out to the rest of the family (or anyone else) might ease some things for her. They will not like it but still it might take some of the pressure off. I think a lot of pressure comes from feeling like you must hide and pretend.

Our nuclear family all know and are very okay with this. It's not even an issue really. We've always known we would be fine if one of the kids or both were gay. Even her bro is cool with it as long as she doesn't date any of his gfs. LOL. They do seem to find the same girls to be hot.

Anyway, I want her to be able to be open. I don't want her to feel like she has to live in fear and secrecy. I also want her to decide how and when to come out. That's not my choice to make for her IMO.

 

[YourCaptor]

If all else fails, you can send her off to a college in a highly populated area, theirs always a gay community of some sort at those places. Hell even my university has one, and I live in the middle of gangstervill.

 

[FurryFury]

If all else fails, you can send her off to a college in a highly populated area, theirs always a gay community of some sort at those places. Hell even my university has one, and I live in the middle of gangstervill.

Yes, college is coming up soon indeed.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thanks Rox for your post!

I was asking my girl today if coming out to the rest of the family (or anyone else) might ease some things for her. They will not like it but still it might take some of the pressure off. I think a lot of pressure comes from feeling like you must hide and pretend.

Our nuclear family all know and are very okay with this. It's not even an issue really. We've always known we would be fine if one of the kids or both were gay. Even her bro is cool with it as long as she doesn't date any of his gfs. LOL. They do seem to find the same girls to be hot.

Anyway, I want her to be able to be open. I don't want her to feel like she has to live in fear and secrecy. I also want her to decide how and when to come out. That's not my choice to make for her IMO.

The guy I spoke of was my brother-in-law. It was a really difficult time for him. This was about 20 years ago. His suicide "attempts" were nothing more than attention seeking behaviors, i.e. he started his car in the garage during a patio party at his house, knowing full well that someone would find him; he OD'd (or said he had) on his mother's blood pressure meds and then called her.

But regardless, he was in big trouble and wanted someone to know it and wanted someone to help him. And above all, he wanted someone to accept him and still love him.

His family did all that, even though he was afraid they'd do otherwise. He is a lucky guy.

Your daughter's lucky too, to have someone like you.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge and saying such a wonderful thing.

 

[Marquis]

I've never cut, but I have a close childhood friend who cut quite a bit. I haven't spoken to her in years but when we were 20 she was hospitalized for it. She cut herself rather deeply in the wrist, but she was admitted to a psych ward. The cut itself was not considered life threatening, but she had become really concerned about her control over the habit and possible consequences.

As far as I know (which may not be much), it hasn't been an issue in recent years. She continues to be a very strange girl though, with many eccentric ideologies and behaviors.

I think we all have self destructive tendencies to some degree. My take is that being able to express these dark desires in a healthy way is really important towards being a balanced individual. Learning which forms of expression are healthy and which are not often takes some experimentation.

Furry, I appreciate you sharing this with us.

I'm not an expert on this subject or anything close to it, but I find that idle hands are the devil's playground. In particular, I find that without appropriate outlets to expend certain kinds of energy, it gets turned inwards. For me, there is a need to engage in some kind of competition. Competing with myself can work but is often less inspiring than engaging in some kind of competitive behavior with others. Attempting to "destroy" my opponent within the rules of whatever activity it is, offers me a way to retain some balance.

 

[ammre]

I have had suicidal thoughts and in the past, actions. I'm also a self injurer. Oddly enough i don't think the two go together.

When I hurt myself things are actually quite clear. I most often do it in times of frustration. People talk about releases of frustration, and well beating up a pillow never worked for me and smashing my several hundred dollar camera was a really bad idea. I needed something to destroy and conveniently enough, skin heals, where as computer monitors wouldn't.

I scratch. Sometimes I do it without knowing it. I'll look down and there will be skin and a little bit of blood beneath my nails. Sometimes I really know it and i've gone out of my way for specific utensils with witch to pulp my skin. This is one of my las remaining secrets amongst my friends. I do it i places where I can make up a good excuse for it, and in my head I'm not ashamed of the act, but I'm ashamed of the social stigma behind it.

When I don't self injure I'll destroy in other ways. I'd ripped up pictures that have taken me weeks to draw, I've de-registered form classes I've loved. I've pushed away friends, I've deleted journals and web pages. it all seems very clear to me at the time, even though i regret it somewhat after.

Where as, when i'm depressed/suicidal, things are very fuzzy and it's like I can't wake up.

They feel very different to me. One is how I cope, one is a lack of cope.


p.s. it sounds like you're doing amazing by keeping avenues of communication open. Remembering that pain is relative is always a good thing.

Oh and strange enough as it sounds, one of the ways I make myself feel better is by voluntering. When you're pulling 8 hours of flood zone waste removal, you're too tired yet oddly too adrenalinized for depression. Some people like to say "well at least you have a house over your head, your life's not bad" and really that just makes someone feel worse by discrediting their pain. Instead of saying it, go out there and experience it by helping and working.

 

[bdsm_librarian]

Miss Fury a few more threads have come to light on self harming behaviours. I have included them on the new Health-Mental Discussion reference thread and I'll link them here as well, just for you gorgeous one

Dusty just made me wonder this

Cutters, masochists, and the responsible Dom/me

Did you cut or harm yourself?