Self Harming, would you buy this?

[FurryFury]

Marquis,

Thanks for your post. I think you are right (up to a point) about keeping busy and having healthy outlets. I'm going to be thinking more about this. She's has a lot going on but it may not be the "right" stuff.

 

[FurryFury]

Dear Ammre,

I really appreciate your post differentiating self harm from depression/suicide that way.

It's true skin can heal. However burns don't heal as well as some cuts and scratches can.

Volunteering does not sound like a strange way to feel better to me, nor does hard physical labor. So of the most content moments in my life have been when I've worked hard for long periods of time. I felt happy, tired and at ease at those times. There were no sleep issues then either.

I think one of the main reasons why we have so much depression and such in this society, is that things tend to be far too easy for many of us. We have too much leisure time and many people don't know how to do healthy things with it. We have too little physical exertion required to just survive in this society. All of this leads to thinking too much about "me" and often, being to mired in negative thoughts.

It's ironic to me that the more ease one has, the more unhappy one might become, until one is actually self destructive.

Thanks again for your great post.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much bdsm_librarian! These threads, infighting aside, are very interesting.

It helps to know from the "mouths' of those that have self harmed their reasons. It helps because the reasons are not always entangled with things I fear.

I guess my whole life I've feared loss and abandonment by my loved ones. Suicide is key among those things. "Natural" death also seems like an abandonment, as I found out with my father. I knew he fought it but still.

Now I expect my daughter to leave me but in a healthy way to make her own life.

I've seen my grandmother struggle with all that my mother has done to destroy herself. As hard as it was on me, it was more difficult on her mother. There is less emotional distance possible when it is your child. At least for my Grand and for me. Of course Grand is crazy as hell and mean too. I figure that's why she is still alive. LOL.

Okay, to much sharing here probably.

I'm off.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Thanks so much bdsm_librarian! These threads, infighting aside, are very interesting.

It helps to know from the "mouths' of those that have self harmed their reasons. It helps because the reasons are not always entangled with things I fear.

I guess my whole life I've feared loss and abandonment by my loved ones. Suicide is key among those things. "Natural" death also seems like an abandonment, as I found out with my father. I knew he fought it but still.

Now I expect my daughter to leave me but in a healthy way to make her own life.

I've seen my grandmother struggle with all that my mother has done to destroy herself. As hard as it was on me, it was more difficult on her mother. There is less emotional distance possible when it is your child. At least for my Grand and for me. Of course Grand is crazy as hell and mean too. I figure that's why she is still alive. LOL.

Okay, to much sharing here probably.

I'm off.

Miss Fury, it was my pleasure to source those threads. The way I look at it is that if you find even one single comment that resonates to you and that has a positive impact then it's worth the effort. It's also my personal policy that when a topic is current on the Boards that I shift gears temporarily to get the Library in very specific focus ( time & personal obligations here permitting ) so that we can explore prior resources within contemporary threads.

Self harm and my perceptions of it were documented previously on the board. My comments remain static and as the topic was one that made me feel extremely vulnerable sharing I could find no valid reason for a repeat performance. I do recall at the time being fairly angry at some of the responses on the thread, however I made a choice not to challenge some specific opinions and guess what, I survived : smiles :

Here is some good news, I can't remember a time in recent years that I have perpetuated the behaviors of self harm I originally posted about. Quite oddly it hadn't really even registered until I considered your thread. My life is still extremely complex, far more so than has ever been revealed on the Boards. Then there are the daily stresses and responsibilities that never abate from a the separate issue of parental status. I can assure you that my generally happy disposition here is not feigned. 'Rebecca' is not an online persona, it's simply me. I deal with what I have to and take it in good stride most of the time. Life may be a daily challenge but it is also good, very very good.

My point is Miss Fury, that these challenges can be surpassed with totally positive outcomes and over time your daughter will garner new, more affirming ways to contend with life's conflictions. It's my wish for you both that these 'skills' may facilitate & ensure more happiness and independence in her adult life. Considering you're the Mom in this equation she has a fine start to a sound outcome. Please feel free to consider that a compliment, it was.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much Miss Rebecca!

In reading I found that I actually do one sort of self harming. It's pretty minor.
I don't consider picking at scabs or uneven skin particularly harmful. Maybe if it left a scar I would. This doesn't seem very important. It's just a small aside.

 

[subgrl18]

It's true skin can heal. However burns don't heal as well as some cuts and scratches can.

yeah, this is what i am dealing with right now. i have approx. 20 "big" scars (and many smaller ones) on my right arm and about 7 on my left, most of them required stitches or would have had i gone to the hospital. Now years later i work with children and have to wear a long sleave shirt no matter if its 110 degrees out. When you are in the moment it is hard to think ahead and relize that this "mistake" will be with you for the rest of your life.

 

[FurryFury]

yeah, this is what i am dealing with right now. i have approx. 20 "big" scars (and many smaller ones) on my right arm and about 7 on my left, most of them required stitches or would have had i gone to the hospital. Now years later i work with children and have to wear a long sleave shirt no matter if its 110 degrees out. When you are in the moment it is hard to think ahead and relize that this "mistake" will be with you for the rest of your life.

*nods*

That's so true.

*hug*

 

[subgrl18]

*nods*

That's so true.

*hug*

thanks

 

[MsErica]

Fury--

I'm sending you a private email. But I can say publicly that I would not freak out that this is going to ruin her life. If she's at risk, it's from the underlying problems, not from the burning itself, which sounds relatively mild. I would suggest that you open the dialog about the burning and listen to why she does it, without judging. It's very important that you really listen to what she has to say. Feeling that her emotions are heard and validated can be very helpful to her, most likely more than even the wisest most well-meaning advice from you. And a good therapist, if she doesn't already have one, may make all the difference.

Erica

 

[Adakgirl]

Seems to me that she has stopped that behavior. Regardless if you two had talked about it before or not, she stopped. At least she says she has, I would check her periodically for signs of it just in case. Self-harm and self-abuse are obvious calls for help. I think had this been a serious problem, she would still be doing it. It's important that we let young people know that feelings of emptiness and sadness are normal, and that everyone has them. That there are all kinds of ways to deal with feelings and it's ok to not have feelings at all sometimes too.
The problem is not in having the feelings we have, but how we learn to deal with them.
I don't know a teenager yet past or present that does not suffer from depression at times. I think medications that keep them from having these normal "growing-up" feelings cause more harm than anything. She must have learned how to deal with them in more positive ways. Sounds like a smart kid to me.

 

[FurryFury]

Fury--

I'm sending you a private email. But I can say publicly that I would not freak out that this is going to ruin her life. If she's at risk, it's from the underlying problems, not from the burning itself, which sounds relatively mild. I would suggest that you open the dialog about the burning and listen to why she does it, without judging. It's very important that you really listen to what she has to say. Feeling that her emotions are heard and validated can be very helpful to her, most likely more than even the wisest most well-meaning advice from you. And a good therapist, if she doesn't already have one, may make all the difference.

Erica

Thanks so much Erica!

I have done as you recommend except for a therapist which she does not want to deal with at this time. Any time she wants to, we will arrange it.

 

[FurryFury]

Seems to me that she has stopped that behavior. Regardless if you two had talked about it before or not, she stopped. At least she says she has, I would check her periodically for signs of it just in case. Self-harm and self-abuse are obvious calls for help. I think had this been a serious problem, she would still be doing it. It's important that we let young people know that feelings of emptiness and sadness are normal, and that everyone has them. That there are all kinds of ways to deal with feelings and it's ok to not have feelings at all sometimes too.
The problem is not in having the feelings we have, but how we learn to deal with them.
I don't know a teenager yet past or present that does not suffer from depression at times. I think medications that keep them from having these normal "growing-up" feelings cause more harm than anything. She must have learned how to deal with them in more positive ways. Sounds like a smart kid to me.

Thanks so much! She is a smart kid, very smart and sometimes I think that's part of her problems! LOL.

Your post helped my fear levels a lot.

Thanks again.

 

[Adakgirl]

You are quite welcome.

 

[nickollette]

It is by far just about one of the hardest things to ever fully get over. I cut myself several times daily from the ages 13-20. One of the biggest and most frustrating misconceptions I have come across that people have is that they think self harm is parallel to inevitable suicide...it's far from the same thing, different universes actually. Cutting, burning, or whatever your choice of technique to inflict pain on yourself is more related to a coping mechanism and a form of punishment. Sure when you're stressed, upset or mad at something/someone it is easier to talk about it with friends and family, but it's not always so easy to convince yourself that anything you have to say is going to be a topic of interest or cared about from anyone you have to talk to. One thing I have become a master con artist of doing is lying about when I hurt myself if older marks were ever questioned and lying about what scars are from...for my first two years I had a new kitten that never actually existed. Eventually the excuses and lies became more believable and left less open ends as to whether my marks were really caused by my excuse. From 13-18 every shirt I wore was long sleeved, the dead of summer or the dead of winter no longer determined which clothes were apprpriate to wear, I was too tired of trying to figure out what stories I could tell people in advance should anyone ever question what they saw. I can honestly say that the last time I actually had a session where I cut myself several times at once was about 6 months ago, and the last time it was a regular thing was about 2 years ago. I made a promise to myself for the sake of my son when he was born, to no longer use it as a default way to deal with things. He doesn't need to think that that is an OK way to cope, and he is the one person I don't want to ever question marks because there is no way I can lie to him about that, so I figured the only way to avoid that day coming is to not do it and to only let my scars from the past be the only possible question he has about it.

I still go through my original thought process I did 10 years ago when I cut myself. There's still an event that happens that is stressful or pisses me off, leads me to hate myself and think I'm worthless and then all that internal hatered I have towards myself makes me want to get rid of it soo bad, the only difference now is that I'm not doing the actual physical event I did then to get rid of whatever hatred I have towards myself. It makes life harder now, because I'm left stuck hating myself and wanting to punish myself because I'm so convinced whatever I'm thinking about myself is the truth, but feeling this way for a few days is better than having wounds for a few weeks and more scars for a few years. Even though I'm not actively cutting anymore, the thoughts and urges and triggers to do it are always going to be there since there is always going to be something to cope with. The only way to begin breaking the cycle is to be able to think broadly, even for a second before going through with it. Life is far from easy, always giving you something that needs to be dealt with, big or small, but is this really something you want to be doing every time you're forced to deal with things. The thoughts and urges to do it are always going to be there, it's something I relied so heavily on for 7 years and if it wasn't for my son I'm sure I'd still be doing it. My 7 years of relying on cutting isn't worth jeopardizing what kind of mother he has to rely on the next 16 years at least.

If you really don't believe her, find a non-threatening way to approach the subject, don't single in on what you see on the person's body, asking what it is, try asking them the why behind what you see. It's less threatening and if they've been up to it for awhile or even if they're new to it but have figured it out to be something they like and not sure what kind of role it will play in their life yet, asking why they did it might trick them from providing a deafult excuse as to what it is. Asking why also is a roundabout way to get the person to talk about it, maybe even letting them know there is someone out there who cares enough about them and wants to help, or at the least there for them, maybe eventually even turning to you to deal with things instead of hurting themself. The biggest thing to avoid is giving the person an ultimatum, don't demand they stop, it's just like any addiction, you need to come to terms on your own that it isn't good and need to want to stop on your own in order for it to stick. Making demands also increases the likelihood of the person lying about whether they still do it and they might even change where they normally do it, changing to a spot they know you won't see regularly just so they can still do it without getting caught. My arms look like a warzone, the inside of my wrists are litterred with scars, some worse than others, but so are my upper arms where shirts will hide them, all because I was told I had to stop by someone.

I'm sure this is getting too long, I'm just so passionate about it if you want a pretty decent explanation about the whole realm of self harm, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_harm, has just about the best definition I have come across, explaining every aspect of it as best, even better than the actual person may even know how.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much for sharing this with me Nickollette. I'm sure it wasn't easy to do.

At this point, I'm pretty comfortable with where she seems to be right now. I believe her. Even if I'm wrong I'm more confident that she will find her way and be okay overall.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

I myself don't find that so very believable. Seems that people whom harm them selfs intentionally either hide it or do it PARTLY for attention/help. Most do lie about it until they have gotten help though.

I don't know anyone that can just quite cold turkey unless they are getting it some where else. IE: spankings, rough sex, whippings, etc.

 

[FurryFury]

I myself don't find that so very believable. Seems that people whom harm them selfs intentionally either hide it or do it PARTLY for attention/help. Most do lie about it until they have gotten help though.

I don't know anyone that can just quite cold turkey unless they are getting it some where else. IE: spankings, rough sex, whippings, etc.

Initially I felt the same way. Upon investigation I've come to believe and I could be entirely wrong in this, that it was simply an experimental thing she did.

She did some other things around this time that shocked me as well. All were stopped cold turkey.

I could, as I said be very wrong. If so I'll find out about it.

 

[_kiana_]

I myself don't find that so very believable. Seems that people whom harm them selfs intentionally either hide it or do it PARTLY for attention/help. Most do lie about it until they have gotten help though.

I don't know anyone that can just quite cold turkey unless they are getting it some where else. IE: spankings, rough sex, whippings, etc.

If it is what FurryFury thinks in that it was experimental, it could have been very easy for her daughter to stop. If the harm never made it to the "this is my coping mechanism for everything" stage, it's very likely she didn't acquire a taste or need for it. It would have still been in a place where she could have easily stopped.

I very specifically remember that stage. I remember where it changed from, "I wonder what this will do for me," to "I need to do this to feel better." From all that FurryFury has said, I don't feel like her daughter had gone to that later stage. It really does sound like it was a curiosity for a time but it's passed now.

 

[satindesire]

I started cutting when I was 16.

I was a virgin, and my best friend E (whom I had known for 2 years and went to high school with) who was like a brother to me, viciously raped me. He stole something from me that I cannot ever give anyone, one of the most precious things I owned. After that, I stopped eating and got down to 84 pounds, and tried to commit suicide twice.

After meeting my ex, who caught me, he made me swear I would never do that again. It was hard quitting 'cold turkey' and I still think about it sometimes, but I know that it's just like other habits such as cigarettes...it may feel like some kind of relief, but the addiction is dangerous.

In this case, it was not about curiosity, and thoughts of suicide actually came before the cutting, not after. I also have other behavioral problems that developed right after the rape like OCD, pretty acute Trichitillomania, and claustrophobia.

As I cannot afford ADs or therapy, I have to deal with these things on my own, which isn't ever easy...but I take a lot of comfort in God.

My prayers go out to you.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much Satindesire for sharing your experiences, that have been so tough with me.

*HUGS and HUGS*

 

[notalwaysweak]

Fury,

I'm very new here and have been going back through the boards reading threads that catch my eye and I just wanted to offer my sympathy and hugs and sincere hope that everything is going well.

I cut on and off from age fifteen up until March 2006. Since then I haven't done it, though the temptation has been there. I hope that it was just a brief experimentation for your daughter and that she doesn't begin self-harming in earnest.

 

[FurryFury]

Fury,

I'm very new here and have been going back through the boards reading threads that catch my eye and I just wanted to offer my sympathy and hugs and sincere hope that everything is going well.

I cut on and off from age fifteen up until March 2006. Since then I haven't done it, though the temptation has been there. I hope that it was just a brief experimentation for your daughter and that she doesn't begin self-harming in earnest.

Thanks.



I hope so too. I believe she is doing fine, other than getting a hair cut that is far too short or should I call it a "mancut"? LOL.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you've stopped self harming now.

*hug*