Sexless Marriages

[Tweedledude]

Is there an actual definition for sexless marriage? Is it no intimacy, no massage, no mutual masterbation, no oral or sexual attention at all? Or is it just no intercourse? Or is just not often?

Lots of definitions.
But generally it's is intimacy in all it's forms including emotional.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202102/are-you-in-sexless-marriage

I find it interesting that even the professionals often avoid the 800 lb gorilla in the room. When people have an attitude of asexuality they should disclose that before they enter into a relationship. I'm my case i should of known better i chose to ignore the signs with the lie we often tell ourselves.
The Lie:
Oh their attitude will change after ..... Insert whatever event you want here. Dating marriage etc.
People often just live a lie.
Dam i better go to the gym or I'll be depressed lol

 

[MrGoatee]

To me 'sexless' is the lack of any intimacy in a physical way. I'd be up for mutual masterbation etc but the lack of drive stops everything. Porn only works for so long, and I need a connection for full satisfaction.

It's not a good place to be

 

[Tweedledude]

To me 'sexless' is the lack of any intimacy in a physical way. I'd be up for mutual masterbation etc but the lack of drive stops everything. Porn only works for so long, and I need a connection for full satisfaction.

It's not a good place to be

Agreed. Maybe it's time to buy that Tesla plaid as a distraction. (Futile attempt at distraction)

 

[MrGoatee]

Mid life crisis lol

 

[Tweedledude]

If it were only mid life

 

[stevesthename]

Ok, so an update on my situation. Wife was out of town with a family illness(Fuk Cancer). I had a lot of alone time, and I spent it thinking. Living in a sexless relationship....everyday is a ground hog day movie without the happy ending. I decided to try a new tact.

My wife has a hormone problem....blood test years ago....her numbers are at zero. Sex over the last 10 years averaged twice a year, usually ended badly. I tried to back off to only touching/hugging/kissing....nope, that made her feel obligated to deal with ROH....Rapid Onset Hardon (hey, I AM human).

So back to the story, I wait until she comes home and I sit her down and have a talk. I acknowledge that my physical reactions puts pressure on her, so I suggest no more sex attempts unless she wants to try. If I get hard from a hug, it will be ignored. I only ask that we be able to kiss, hug, touch in non sexual ways...she agrees. I reiterate how much this means to me...she is on board.

6-7 months go by,,,,nothing. No hugs, no kisses, no touching. I have kept out of her flight path, no innuendos, no pouting. What broke me was this....she walked by, and touched my shoulder. I looked up and there it was ...the pity face, I smiled, and she said, "Awe, it's been sooo long"....I said, "Yes, yes it has"...then she walked away. It crushed me...after 10+ years that was what it came down to..... I had been reduced down to an inanimate object, I felt, no longer human.

So, one night recently I was perusing Lit, and I got a PM, from a member,... a female member. Her sexless marriage was from a medical condition which effectively stopped intimacy years ago. After much discussion, her husband had allowed her to acquire a FWB. This is a huge step and kudos to her husband for loving her so much that he did something that only benefited her. It takes a big man to separate love from sex, it's not how men are wired.

So, we spent a lot of time talking online, getting to know each other...we mesh very well. We don't live close to each other, but it is doable. We went all private eye checking out each others back ground...and we met for lunch. I was a total wreck, literally vibrating from fear, a fear of failure, & the unknown. What I did not have was guilt, it was gone and I had not even really justified it in my own head. She held my hand, we talked for an hour and a half. I thought the waitress was going to go into defib because we kinda ignored her.

In the last 40+ years I have been with 2 women. My Ex and my current wife. Talk about a fish out of water. So we decide on a meet, at a Hotel. I do not kiss and tell, but I will say that both of us found exactly what we were looking for. We do not want to hurt anybody, we both love our spouses and want no changes there. Our needs are quite simple and un-complicated. We are two adults that need physical touch to survive in this world. We are already planning on a second meet and my vibrations are less, my confidence is boosted and a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

So, my suggestion to those that feel trapped. The chance of anything changing on it's own are minuscule. You have to change it by talking to your spouse and asking for some freedom. My wife years ago took on the "don't ask don't tell" attitude. That is not good enough for me & I will be talking to her soon. I will never go back and live the way I was living....the price was too high.

To the Lit ladies in similar relationships....maybe reach out to the men here on this thread, you just might find a friend for life, I know I did.

Just wanted to thank you for posting. I'm in a similar position, and this gives me some hope. I wish you and your FWB much happiness - and some truly epic, mind blowing sex.

 

[Loves2lick4u]

To me 'sexless' is the lack of any intimacy in a physical way. I'd be up for mutual masterbation etc but the lack of drive stops everything. Porn only works for so long, and I need a connection for full satisfaction.

It's not a good place to be

52 yr old white male in KCMO area. Agreed and feel for you. My wife claims to not need it as often as me….I dont think once a week is out of the question at all. It ends up being closer to every three weeks to a month. But i end up rubbing one out almost every day, most to great stories here on Lit. But i wish i could meet up with a F in a similar situation. Not trying to change the marriage but rather change my sex life frequency or find friends to rub things out with.

 

[stevesthename]

Im in the same boat.(im 53) I still love her but for being very horny man myself, I can relate. Feel free to pm me if youd like to share. Its what partially turned me bisexual and i found some relief for my sexual frustration

I can relate to this. I'm basically straight, but have seriously considered seeking a masturbation buddy simply to relieve the physical urge.

 

[NiceSlice]

I see SO many comments from husbands who are in a sexless (or nearly sexless) marriage and the most referenced problems are:
1. Wife refuses to give oral sex. She thinks it’s disgusting.
2. She never initiates sex and maybe tolerates it once or twice a month in Missionary only.
3. She won’t touch me at all and has no interest in sex.

MY question is: When you were dating…..was she REFUSING to have creative sex, frequent sex, or showing signs of being ‘grossed out’ by the whole idea of Oral Sex?????

If so….. WHY did you propose marriage to her???? RUN FORREST, RUN!!!!!

 

[Loves2lick4u]

Is there an actual definition for sexless marriage? Is it no intimacy, no massage, no mutual masterbation, no oral or sexual attention at all? Or is it just no intercourse? Or is just not often?

I’m not sure if there is a definition that fits all of our certain situations. I would say that each of us are the same but different. Sex is my intimacy, but to my wife, it’s sitting beside me in the same room, walking together through a store. Along with her lack of hormones due to Cancer years back, it is just an absolute crap shoot. That’s why i need something discreet.

 

[MrGoatee]

I’m not sure if there is a definition that fits all of our certain situations. I would say that each of us are the same but different. Sex is my intimacy, but to my wife, it’s sitting beside me in the same room, walking together through a store. Along with her lack of hormones due to Cancer years back, it is just an absolute crap shoot. That’s why i need something discreet.

Cancer was the culprit with us too. I like her intimacy but it's way too soon for me to loose the physical sexual side. It's frustrating for us both, but wanking for 6 months then a quick painful fumble isn't helping

 

[luvclassics]

I see SO many comments from husbands who are in a sexless (or nearly sexless) marriage and the most referenced problems are:
1. Wife refuses to give oral sex. She thinks it’s disgusting.
2. She never initiates sex and maybe tolerates it once or twice a month in Missionary only.
3. She won’t touch me at all and has no interest in sex.

MY question is: When you were dating…..was she REFUSING to have creative sex, frequent sex, or showing signs of being ‘grossed out’ by the whole idea of Oral Sex?????

If so….. WHY did you propose marriage to her???? RUN FORREST, RUN!!!!!

I can only speak for myself, but it sure wasn’t like this when we were dating and in the earlier part of marriage. Especially when pregnant, my wife was horny all the time. Over time the frequency and the desire to be creative has dried up.

I used to carry a blanket in my work vehicle because my wife would meet me for lunch and sex. That blanket is long gone now.

Another time on vacation we were in the ocean just off of the beach and things turned to sex. This was during the day with people on the beach, including my in-laws.

Nothing exciting would ever happen now. I have even been told that at our age it is not important anymore. Maybe they think since they have a ring on the finger with years of marriage under the belt they have us stuck.

I guess my interest in sex just has not regressed. Hence the reason I am here. To get a little erotic stimulation to keep the urges in check.

 

[Loves2lick4u]

Cancer was the culprit with us too. I like her intimacy but it's way too soon for me to loose the physical sexual side. It's frustrating for us both, but wanking for 6 months then a quick painful fumble isn't helping

I agree. It’s rough when there is little to no participation from her. It’s even rougher when i try and let her make a move to be intimate in any way and it doesnt even take off. It’s like she claims to still be totally in love/lust but there is not any desire there. Do you have anything you do to calm the urges or quench the flame on your own that she doesnt partipate with?

 

[MrGoatee]

I agree. It’s rough when there is little to no participation from her. It’s even rougher when i try and let her make a move to be intimate in any way and it doesnt even take off. It’s like she claims to still be totally in love/lust but there is not any desire there. Do you have anything you do to calm the urges or quench the flame on your own that she doesnt partipate with?

Unfortunately not, hence my being here. Its not a great feeling to be here sometimes, but the people are amazing and that helps.

Plus it keeps me sane lol

 

[frankl01]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

Hi DD. I dunno if you're such an anomaly. As my drive has dropped, my wife's has at least stayed the same, if not increased.

 

[Loves2lick4u]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

Yeah, i have friends in the area that are in that same boat. Women have higher sex drive that they did at 18 or so. Makes me envy them, wish they could help me out and i them. It would fix both of our issues at lest for a period of time.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

So back to the story, I wait until she comes home and I sit her down and have a talk. I acknowledge that my physical reactions puts pressure on her, so I suggest no more sex attempts unless she wants to try. If I get hard from a hug, it will be ignored. I only ask that we be able to kiss, hug, touch in non sexual ways...she agrees. I reiterate how much this means to me...she is on board.

So, one night recently I was perusing Lit, and I got a PM, from a member,... a female member. Her sexless marriage was from a medical condition which effectively stopped intimacy years ago. After much discussion, her husband had allowed her to acquire a FWB. This is a huge step and kudos to her husband for loving her so much that he did something that only benefited her. It takes a big man to separate love from sex, it's not how men are wired

So, my suggestion to those that feel trapped. The chance of anything changing on it's own are minuscule. You have to change it by talking to your spouse and asking for some freedom. My wife years ago took on the "don't ask don't tell" attitude. That is not good enough for me & I will be talking to her soon. I will never go back and live the way I was living....the price was too high.

I wish that all couples could have this conversation...an open, honest covo: as in, "I'm not into sex anymore but honey, since your sex drive is still high...go for it. Be smart, be safe and have a good time" Male or female partner, married or just together and HEAR each other. Set up parameters, 'rules' if you will..that will allow for one person to still find fulfillment that the other doesn't need/want.

Personally speaking, I grew up Catholic and until a few years ago..I couldn't separate the whole 'sex only happens with someone you love and are committed (ie, married to)' concept I was forced to believe as a child/young adult. It hit me as only an EPIPHANY can...that it's simple to just keep the two separate.

Sex DOES NOT equal love - the caveat for me though is there needs to be a relationship/friendship happening...as in, "I care if you get injured, something happens in your life that hurts you"....but what happens to YOU in YOUR life with your WIFE/family/friends is a minor facet of the friendship, and only if YOU choose to tell me.

"Hey lover, (wife and I) played a mean game of Farkle with our neighborhood group last night and I kicked ass"...is interesting...

But I'd rather hear that you thought about ME all day (even while you were playing cards and trying to concentrate enough to win) and ended up in the neighbor's bathroom, your dick so hard you couldn't stand up straight, stroking yourself, aching for me, kneeling there in front of you, mouth on your cock sucking you into oblivion.

To me, that's the difference. That's attraction/desire/need...not love. Love is for your primary relationship, not your FWB and if the whole world could grasp that concept, we'd be a much happier bunch. It seems the French have it down pat - the wife/partner/mother of your children/woman you love and will spend the rest of your life with....

And the woman who rocks your world sexually...and you hers.

 

[Loves2lick4u]

I wish that all couples could have this conversation...an open, honest covo: as in, "I'm not into sex anymore but honey, since your sex drive is still high...go for it. Be smart, be safe and have a good time" Male or female partner, married or just together and HEAR each other. Set up parameters, 'rules' if you will..that will allow for one person to still find fulfillment that the other doesn't need/want.

Personally speaking, I grew up Catholic and until a few years ago..I couldn't separate the whole 'sex only happens with someone you love and are committed (ie, married to)' concept I was forced to believe as a child/young adult. It hit me as only an EPIPHANY can...that it's simple to just keep the two separate.

Sex DOES NOT equal love - the caveat for me though is there needs to be a relationship/friendship happening...as in, "I care if you get injured, something happens in your life that hurts you"....but what happens to YOU in YOUR life with your WIFE/family/friends is a minor facet of the friendship, and only if YOU choose to tell me.

"Hey lover, (wife and I) played a mean game of Farkle with our neighborhood group last night and I kicked ass"...is interesting...

But I'd rather hear that you thought about ME all day (even while you were playing cards and trying to concentrate enough to win) and ended up in the neighbor's bathroom, your dick so hard you couldn't stand up straight, stroking yourself, aching for me, kneeling there in front of you, mouth on your cock sucking you into oblivion.

To me, that's the difference. That's attraction/desire/need...not love. Love is for your primary relationship, not your FWB and if the whole world could grasp that concept, we'd be a much happier bunch. It seems the French have it down pat - the wife/partner/mother of your children/woman you love and will spend the rest of your life with....

And the woman who rocks your world sexually...and you hers.

Holy hell, you gave me a hardon just readying this. Amazing talents

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I wish that all couples could have this conversation...an open, honest covo: as in, "I'm not into sex anymore but honey, since your sex drive is still high...go for it. Be smart, be safe and have a good time" Male or female partner, married or just together and HEAR each other. Set up parameters, 'rules' if you will..that will allow for one person to still find fulfillment that the other doesn't need/want.

Personally speaking, I grew up Catholic and until a few years ago..I couldn't separate the whole 'sex only happens with someone you love and are committed (ie, married to)' concept I was forced to believe as a child/young adult. It hit me as only an EPIPHANY can...that it's simple to just keep the two separate.

Sex DOES NOT equal love - the caveat for me though is there needs to be a relationship/friendship happening...as in, "I care if you get injured, something happens in your life that hurts you"....but what happens to YOU in YOUR life with your WIFE/family/friends is a minor facet of the friendship, and only if YOU choose to tell me.

"Hey lover, (wife and I) played a mean game of Farkle with our neighborhood group last night and I kicked ass"...is interesting...

But I'd rather hear that you thought about ME all day (even while you were playing cards and trying to concentrate enough to win) and ended up in the neighbor's bathroom, your dick so hard you couldn't stand up straight, stroking yourself, aching for me, kneeling there in front of you, mouth on your cock sucking you into oblivion.

To me, that's the difference. That's attraction/desire/need...not love. Love is for your primary relationship, not your FWB and if the whole world could grasp that concept, we'd be a much happier bunch. It seems the French have it down pat - the wife/partner/mother of your children/woman you love and will spend the rest of your life with....

And the woman who rocks your world sexually...and you hers.

This. All of this. I'm also from a very strict background and my wife and I were encouraged to get married early (engaged at 20, married at 21) so as to enjoy all the fruits of marriage (sex) together. To continue to grow, mature, etc together. We're a pretty good team, we run a family and house like a decently organized enterprise, but we're terrible as lovers together, always have been. But, we didn't know that until after we were married, because we wed as virgins. Passion, desire, and sexual need are completely absent. I've had your epiphany, and have at least shared I don't think we're good together, but she has threatened me by putting forth all her efforts to withhold my children from me. She also said she'll try and take every penny I have, which I don't really care because my life in freedom is priceless, but 8 can't let her poison the relationships with my kids, so I'm here.

There is absolutely no chance of the aforementioned conversation happening where she would endorse me finding a FWB. Sex is important, but it's not even the main issue, it's the authenticity. I'm not who I thought I was going to be, but I didn't know this when I was still a kid and getting married.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

This. All of this. I'm also from a very strict background and my wife and I were encouraged to get married early (engaged at 20, married at 21) so as to enjoy all the fruits of marriage (sex) together. To continue to grow, mature, etc together. We're a pretty good team, we run a family and house like a decently organized enterprise, but we're terrible as lovers together, always have been. But, we didn't know that until after we were married, because we wed as virgins. Passion, desire, and sexual need are completely absent. I've had your epiphany, and have at least shared I don't think we're good together, but she has threatened me by putting forth all her efforts to withhold my children from me. She also said she'll try and take every penny I have, which I don't really care because my life in freedom is priceless, but 8 can't let her poison the relationships with my kids, so I'm here.

There is absolutely no chance of the aforementioned conversation happening where she would endorse me finding a FWB. Sex is important, but it's not even the main issue, it's the authenticity. I'm not who I thought I was going to be, but I didn't know this when I was still a kid and getting married.

Oh grief,

You are preaching to the choir! Met my ex at 18, dated, wanted to live together - both sets of parents 'forbid' it (tells you how old I am) and we LISTENED!! Got married instead at 20/21....were happy enough but yes, had NO IDEA what love/sex/marriage was REALLY all about. Which led to issues, which led to me moving on....

I'm so sorry to hear that she's threatened alienation with your kids...that's the lowest of low, seriously. For an issue that the TWO ADULTS in the relationship have...to ruin yours with your kids...

I'm sorry - *I can send a pox her way if you'd like*..only half kidding.

It's the authenticity. I'm not who I thought I was going to be, but I didn't know this when I was still a kid and getting married.

YES! You have to be true to yourself and she's preventing that...

Marriage is a partnership in ALL things...if one 'leg' fails..then it threatens the entire structure. You are suffering and she's bullying...how is that going to solve the problem? So you hide your desire/need until it either damages you or you 'cheat'...which is a such a bullshite word.

As someone - was it @TemptationTango, above pointed out - she's already voided the contract...how can it be cheating after that?

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Oh grief,

You are preaching to the choir! Met my ex at 18, dated, wanted to live together - both sets of parents 'forbid' it (tells you how old I am) and we LISTENED!! Got married instead at 20/21....were happy enough but yes, had NO IDEA what love/sex/marriage was REALLY all about. Which led to issues, which led to me moving on....

These concepts of young marriage are so outdated. I know for damn sure I will be coaching my kids to do differently as they move up and out.

I'm so sorry to hear that she's threatened alienation with your kids...that's the lowest of low, seriously. For an issue that the TWO ADULTS in the relationship have...to ruin yours with your kids...

My youngest is in middle school, so once they're all adults, I figure I can be free then. This way, they at least are old enough to not be used as pawns.

I'm sorry - *I can send a pox her way if you'd like*..only half kidding.

Have any of that good monkey pox laying around?

It's the authenticity. I'm not who I thought I was going to be, but I didn't know this when I was still a kid and getting married.

YES! You have to be true to yourself and she's preventing that...

Marriage is a partnership in ALL things...if one 'leg' fails..then it threatens the entire structure. You are suffering and she's bullying...how is that going to solve the problem? So you hide your desire/need until it either damages you or you 'cheat'...which is a such a bullshite word.

In this situation, she doesn't see at as bullying, though it is 100% what it is. From her vantage, she sees herself as the morally superior one with a stronger faith.

As someone - was it @TemptationTango, above pointed out - she's already voided the contract...how can it be cheating after that?

I had an affair for about a year, and I never felt better. I thought I would have been wrecked with guilt, but I had none, to my incredible surprise.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

These concepts of young marriage are so outdated. I know for damn sure I will be coaching my kids to do differently as they move up and out.

Yep, did that with mine...and they've had the chance to 'be authentic' in the relationships that THEY want..not what their dad and I had to have.

My youngest is in middle school, so once they're all adults, I figure I can be free then. This way, they at least are old enough to not be used as pawns.

That's good...at least you have a 'end date' and hopefully they'll have the life experience themselves at that point to be fair with you.

Have any of that good monkey pox laying around?

I'll drop some in the mail for you tomorrow...

In this situation, she doesn't see at as bullying, though it is 100% what it is. From her vantage, she sees herself as the morally superior one with a stronger faith.

Oh no...using 'religion' as her bastion of superiority..."you've failed me, therefore you've failed 'god' " yeah, zip it.

/sorry if that comes across as demeaning your religious belief...I'm just so over people using god and religion as manipulation. I'm Wiccan and my gods don't pull that kind of crap on us.

I had an affair for about a year, and I never felt better. I thought I would have been wrecked with guilt, but I had none, to my incredible surprise.

would you have another? TT also said that too - that he had no guilt...I certainly didn't when I had a fling during my divorce from ex...no guilt - I was being true to ME, and at that point, that was all that mattered.

Even this foray I'm having now, husband knows all about it and while he's still stuck on the 'but what if you leave me' train track once in a while, I spend a LOT of time reassuring him that that is the FURTHEST thing from my mind. I just want some serious fucking while I'm young enough to appreciate it.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

That's good...at least you have a 'end date' and hopefully they'll have the life experience themselves at that point to be fair with you.

I think they'll understand it. They see a lot of the tension and frustration in the house, as they mature, I think it will start making sense why it's happening.

I'll drop some in the mail for you tomorrow...

Thank you, I'll pay for the rush delivery.

Sorry if that comes across as demeaning your religious belief...I'm just so over people using god and religion as manipulation. I'm Wiccan and my gods don't pull that kind of crap on us.

No offense taken. I don't think God cares so much about some things as much as the people within the churches do.

would you have another? TT also said that too - that he had no guilt...I certainly didn't when I had a fling during my divorce from ex...no guilt - I was being true to ME, and at that point, that was all that mattered.

Absolutely. It's been 2 years since I've seen my wife naked and I can tell you when which child was conceived. It's never been a rewarding sex life, and I have so much I want to experience while I can.

Even this foray I'm having now, husband knows all about it and while he's still stuck on the 'but what if you leave me' train track once in a while, I spend a LOT of time reassuring him that that is the FURTHEST thing from my mind. I just want some serious fucking while I'm young enough to appreciate it.

If I ever get into a permanent or semi-permanent relationship again, it will be someone who shares my opinions on many things, sex being one of them. It will either be CNM or playing with others, together.

Your situation and words are reassuring, so thank you. It's nice to hear it sometimes works out for others.

 

[TemptationTango]

Just wanted to thank you for posting. I'm in a similar position, and this gives me some hope. I wish you and your FWB much happiness - and some truly epic, mind blowing sex.

For guys it's hard. Let's say your S/O agrees to let you play. Instantly you merge into a migration of thousands of men looking for the same thing. I was frustrated for years.....at least 10. I thought that mentally I could handle it, but, just like substance abuse, I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I changed the way I think, & the way I looked at my relationship.

Just spit balling here:
Something has to change.....maybe a SexlessTinder type website. Not a dating sight, a hook up site for all of us forlorn creatures. Maybe a sub-site of a Swingers group....many of them are looking for mature men to share their wives or women for their husbands....a perfect solution.

Maybe a whole section here on Lit for 'us' with resources......where we post our story, we add in our location which takes a lot of the unknown out. Theoretically, a man, or a woman could have several FWB's if they were lucky enough to be near each other.

As for "epic, mind blowing sex" ....it was for both of us. It was not awkward at all, which surprised me. Butterfly's had to be subdued, but that was ok. It left me feeling like a man again, I had no idea before this that I looked at myself as less than. "Sexual depression" is a sneaky bastard, looking back I was compensating by making excuses for things that made me feel like shit....no more.

Damn, maybe we should have a flag, a designated holiday and a parade.....lol.

 

[TemptationTango]

Hi DD. I dunno if you're such an anomaly. As my drive has dropped, my wife's has at least stayed the same, if not increased.

Would you give her a Hall Pass?