sharing...

[serijules]

I've always been in poly relationships...not really because I WANT to be poly, but because the people that I have been attracted to or cared about enough to be in a relationship with have been poly. After my last relationship ended because of sharing issues, I decided that poly wasn't for me, and vowed it off.

Then D and I became closer, and realized how extremely compatible we were, and I gave up my vow of not being in a poly relationship again because I really felt that she was the one.

It's very hard at times. There are many times I'd much rather NOT be sharing, even though I very much like the other person I have to share with the most (meaning relationship-wise, not just "play time".) There are times when I am very unhappy at having to share. There are times I have a hard time talking about my frustrations or fears in regards to sharing.

But there are times when it is wonderful, and the benefits are amazing. There are times when sharing isn't an issue at all in the sense that I don't even really notice any change or impact in my relationship with D that is directly related to sharing. The "family" that I gained is incredibly supportive, loving and caring.

It's a pretty intense cycle, and definately not something most people could handle (as many of you have already flat out said...aint for you.) I'd have to say ideally it isn't for me either, but I made a choice in that being with D meant that I had to accept everything that went along with her...including her existing relationships and the fact that I would have to accept sharing her with others. It is a choice that sometimes is frustrating and even hurts at times, but I never, ever regret it.

Not everything in life has to be ideal or perfect in order for a person to be happy with it. I get a little tired of people implying that if there is something imperfect about a person or situation, then you can not possibly gain anything from continuing to be in that situation.

That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, and all that jazz.

 

[Netzach]

Not everything in life has to be ideal or perfect in order for a person to be happy with it. I get a little tired of people implying that if there is something imperfect about a person or situation, then you can not possibly gain anything from continuing to be in that situation.

That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, and all that jazz.

I think you have the right attitude. You have to weigh the costs and the benefits, and I think if a person can do this honestly and say "the benefits are outweighing the negatives" you are in a good relationship. It sounds very much like you are doing that and have done.

I think the thing I see too often are people desperate to be in the relationship justifying why they are willing to put up with an overall detrimental situation, trying to paint rosy scenarios where there are none, saying they are fine when they are clearly miserable. Hell, I've done that! But moving past that is key.

 

[serijules]

I think you have the right attitude. You have to weigh the costs and the benefits, and I think if a person can do this honestly and say "the benefits are outweighing the negatives" you are in a good relationship. It sounds very much like you are doing that and have done.

I think the thing I see too often are people desperate to be in the relationship justifying why they are willing to put up with an overall detrimental situation, trying to paint rosy scenarios where there are none, saying they are fine when they are clearly miserable. Hell, I've done that! But moving past that is key.

Yup, I've done that too, twice actually. When the chance to be with D presented itself, it just seemed to me that giving up a potentially wonderful relationship with a wonderful person just because poly hasn't worked for me in the past would have been limiting myself. If nothing else, the past failures taught me things that enabled the present situation to be happily doable. It also taught me there is no point in denying that things are not always perfect and happy for me, something I see people in poly relationships do often. That's a dangerous rut to fall in and in my opinion, is why most poly relationships fail. You not only have to be honest with one another, but with yourself too. My "honesty" is that I don't always like to share and have a hard time doing so at times. Being able to recognize and admit that to myself has been a big factor in this particular poly relationship working for me. That's how I learned to handle the feelings...by letting myself feel them instead of feeling guilty about feeling them.

 

[Marquis]

Yup, I've done that too, twice actually. When the chance to be with D presented itself, it just seemed to me that giving up a potentially wonderful relationship with a wonderful person just because poly hasn't worked for me in the past would have been limiting myself. If nothing else, the past failures taught me things that enabled the present situation to be happily doable. It also taught me there is no point in denying that things are not always perfect and happy for me, something I see people in poly relationships do often. That's a dangerous rut to fall in and in my opinion, is why most poly relationships fail. You not only have to be honest with one another, but with yourself too. My "honesty" is that I don't always like to share and have a hard time doing so at times. Being able to recognize and admit that to myself has been a big factor in this particular poly relationship working for me. That's how I learned to handle the feelings...by letting myself feel them instead of feeling guilty about feeling them.

Does the person you're being shared with understand your feelings? What is his/her reaction?

 

[serijules]

Does the person you're being shared with understand your feelings? What is his/her reaction?

You mean the other sub in the relationship?

 

[Killishandra]

Just piping in my 2 cents...

Graceanne mentioned that "I'm not saying it never works, poly living together, I'm saying that there'd have to be a serious chain of command."

I think that chain of command would be, definitively, the Dominant. Okay, if there were multiple Dominants then it would become more complicated, but I see that situation as being more rare than multiple submissives. Certainly insofar as a situation where everyone lives under the same roof. Not everyone in my poly group lives under the same roof... but that is slowly changing.

C and I seemed to do pretty well with sharing the chores around the house while I was there... As for most significant household decisions, Marquis makes most of those, but if we had a decision and if we for some odd reason couldn't work it out between ourselves then we would simply take our two suggestions to Marquis and let Him decide which He likes best, or which is "more appropriate." C and I are still at that point in our relationship ("our" being her and I's personal relationship) where we are falling over backwards to please each other, kind of at the "crush" stage. Obviously we are going to run into problems eventually that have everything to do with the two of us and nothing to do with Marquis, and at that point we will have to work things out between us the way any two people in a relationship do. If we simply can't agree, then one of the benefits of poly is that you always have a third person to moderate. However, He much prefers it when we girls communicate with each other enough to come to satisfactory conclusions without His involvement... And I can see why. Not only does it mean He's not being called into the other room over minor details (should the vase go on the table or the counter?) but it also cements C and I's relationship to work things out just between ourselves.

Obviously, Marquis is the focal point of our triplet. But that doesn't mean that C and I don't have a flourishing relationship of our own. Being bi-sexual is a definite plus... When everyone is sharing with everyone, you feel empowered by viewing the relationship between the other two people, not jealousy. Seeing Marquis and C kiss and cuddle gives me a feeling akin to seeing parents kiss... A warm, fuzzy feeling where you just know that the love overall is increasing. Two people I care about are getting closer to each other! I'm always caught between wanting to wiggle my way into the middle of their embrace (3-way kisses are a joy and usually end in giggles) and wanting to blend into the wall unnoticeably and just watch them in awe...

Two people in love is a grand thing. Three people in love with each other is truly a sight to behold.

One more thing I will add is that I come from a poly family... Yup, I have one daddy and two moms. I am born to my biological mom right in the middle of four children born to my dad and my other mom. (I call them both mom, and only need to clarify who I'm talking about sometimes.) My moms were best friends but not bisexual... (My biological mom passed away 3 years ago, which is why I use past tense there.)

My relationship with Marquis and C is my first poly relationship, and my family is very supportive of it. Last week I spent the afternoon at Magoo's pizza comparing blonde vs. brunnette chicks at the bar with one of my brothers and talking about the dynamics of FMF poly with my mom. I realized after we all left what a great family I have, to be able to be so open with them. I feel very accepted, very loved, and very special.

Exactly the same way I feel while surrounded by my poly family, Marquis and C.

 

[serijules]

When everyone is sharing with everyone, you feel empowered by viewing the relationship between the other two people, not jealousy. Seeing Marquis and C kiss and cuddle gives me a feeling akin to seeing parents kiss... A warm, fuzzy feeling where you just know that the love overall is increasing.


Exactly the same way I feel while surrounded by my poly family, Marquis and C.

Excellent point. My own jealous feelings do not upset me much because they are not triggered by moments like described above...affection and sharing between us all when we are all together is amazing, and I *love* the security of those times. One of the biggest benefits of poly IMO, and my friendship with D's other sub is strong and healthy.

 

[Lorihw]

Removed by OP

 

[Killishandra]

Killishandra - That was just such a wonderful way to describe what sounds like a fantastic relationship. As still such a newbie - I know I am not interested in a completely monogamous relationship. (well, obviously not because I'm marrie to 'nilla boy and haven't exactly been such a good girl in that relationship but unfortunately for many reasons I can't go into on here I am unable to get out of the relationship.) Long term, I would like a Dom who would be open to a poly relationship and give me permission to participate in one.

The best advice I can give you, Lori, is to be completely open with any and all partners you have, or will have. Poly is a wonderful situation when done honestly.

I cheated on a boyfriend (not even sex, just kissing a couple other guys while he was away for the summer) when I was 17. The guilt of cheating is not something I can live with ever again, and my situation was rather mild compared to yours. I am not sure how you are handling the emotions from it, but I will advise you that most men or women who call themselves "Dom" will probably sniff out dishonesty even if it doesn't eat you up inside beforehand.

That being said, I wish you the best of luck in your delicate situation... I hope you can find something that fulfills your need to be in a D/s relationship and yet allows you to remain true to yourself and your SO(s).

 

[sincerely_helene]

Interesting...

The responses to this thread have prompted a great deal more questions than answers, in my head.

 

[Marquis]

The responses to this thread have prompted a great deal more questions than answers, in my head.

Don't be shy sinslurly.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Don't be shy sinslurly.

Maybe some other thread.

 

[jdmct]

sharing

If the "third " person's energy adds to both of your's,(and both of your's to theirs)then it could be amazing for all involved.
If sharing means dividing and everyone gettings less,I could see it be a recipe for doom very quickly.

 

[sandyb]

My Dom occasionally shares me with other men. It is his choice. I comply - but, at least so far, it's just been casual, one-time events. I am an unfaithful sub and cheat on my Dom from time to time - again just in casual, but nasty, affairs. I find my cheating helps me mentally balance - at leat I think it does. It helps me feel like I have some control and that actually helps my sense of self esteem which, I admit, takes a battering during the parties with his friends.

I would love a steady MMF relationship but I don't think that's where we are headed.

 

[Marquis]

My Dom occasionally shares me with other men. It is his choice. I comply - but, at least so far, it's just been casual, one-time events. I am an unfaithful sub and cheat on my Dom from time to time - again just in casual, but nasty, affairs. I find my cheating helps me mentally balance - at leat I think it does. It helps me feel like I have some control and that actually helps my sense of self esteem which, I admit, takes a battering during the parties with his friends.

I would love a steady MMF relationship but I don't think that's where we are headed.

Care to talk some more about these parties?

 

[serijules]

Does the person you're being shared with understand your feelings? What is his/her reaction?

You never did answer my question Marquis (or just lost interest) I wasn't sure what you meant by person I'm being 'shared with'...my Domme? The other sub? Maybe that sentance is clear as day but for some reason it's confusing me, sorry.

 

[Marquis]

You never did answer my question Marquis (or just lost interest) I wasn't sure what you meant by person I'm being 'shared with'...my Domme? The other sub? Maybe that sentance is clear as day but for some reason it's confusing me, sorry.

I never saw it!

Yo, my subscribed messages folder is totally fucking up. It's not recording when I've already read stuff so I have to pretty much guess most of the time.

The answer is, the other sub.

 

[serijules]

I never saw it!

Yo, my subscribed messages folder is totally fucking up. It's not recording when I've already read stuff so I have to pretty much guess most of the time.

The answer is, the other sub.

Ok thanks for clearing that up.

Now to answer the question...yes she is aware of my feelings, and having much more experience in Poly than I, is a great help in teaching me to deal with them and understand them. If her and I didn't have the honest relationship and respect for one another that we do, this could never work. Thankfully, we have a strong friendship and consider each other family outside of AND inside of the BDSM relationship, although we have no specific D/s relationship ourselves, other than that she will top me occasionally (as she is a switch, and a damn good top). One mistake people make in poly sometimes I think is believing that all this just comes naturally and don't take the time to realize it is a learning experience. Learning to share, learning to communicate, learning to manage time, etc.

Like you've said though..for some, the benefits outweigh the "bad". I'm happy to say that in this situation for me, the benefits are definately worth the few bad/hard moments.

Thanks for asking.

 

[jasonlf]

Yo, my subscribed messages folder is totally fucking up.

Clear your cookies.

 

[Marquis]

Clear your cookies.

Word?

 

[jasonlf]

Word?

Clear the cookies in your browser, to fix the problem.

 

[Marquis]

^
l
l
l
l
L7

 

[graceanne]

Just piping in my 2 cents...

Graceanne mentioned that "I'm not saying it never works, poly living together, I'm saying that there'd have to be a serious chain of command."

I think that chain of command would be, definitively, the Dominant. Okay, if there were multiple Dominants then it would become more complicated, but I see that situation as being more rare than multiple submissives. Certainly insofar as a situation where everyone lives under the same roof. Not everyone in my poly group lives under the same roof... but that is slowly changing.

Ok, once again, this is a generalization that I'm about to make, and obviously their will be exceptions. And Killi, I'm not targetting you, I'm just using your post to explain where this train of thought came from.

But, who gets to decide who does what chores? What if one of the subs feels (whether fairly or unfairly) that the other sub isn't doing her fair share. You keep bringing up every petty disagreement to your dom/me, and they're gonna get ticked. So their's gonna (usually) need to be a sub who is sorta in charge over tiny things, like . . . how to organize the house, or whether it's ok to leave the curling iron on the counter. I mean just little shit. Obviously the big decisions would go to the dom/me, that's why they're the dom/ems.

Now, if the subs are very compatable, friendwise, this might not be necessary. And I'm sure it happens. When my best friend in highschool came to live with us, amazingly we never fought. And we were trying to squeeze two people and all their things in one 95 sq ft room. We expected that problems were gonna happen. But we were compatable enough people that they didn't. Unfortunately not all relationships are that easy. Most people have to work at living together compatably.

 

[serijules]

To be honest, I think the "little shit" comes down to just plain old human common sense and respect, and has little to do with D/s. In a live-in poly relationship, the D/s relationship and dynamics are not going to be in play 24/7....there is still time for just being humans, being friends, being roomates, etc. If someone was "in charge" of every little aspect, I think those involved would feel smothered by that level of control. Sometimes you just got to give each other a little credit to be able to learn to cope with each other and with little problems without abusing the D/s dynamics.

 

[graceanne]

To be honest, I think the "little shit" comes down to just plain old human common sense and respect, and has little to do with D/s. In a live-in poly relationship, the D/s relationship and dynamics are not going to be in play 24/7....there is still time for just being humans, being friends, being roomates, etc. If someone was "in charge" of every little aspect, I think those involved would feel smothered by that level of control. Sometimes you just got to give each other a little credit to be able to learn to cope with each other and with little problems without abusing the D/s dynamics.

I agree. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that people in a relationship have common sense, or for that matter respect. And frankly not all poly relationships are D/s. But lets use D/s for what I'm saying. The dom/me in question wants two subs. Both of the subs he gets are compatable with him, but not with eachother. Because they both love him, they agree to try, but when people aren't naturally compatable then it's work to learn to get along. Not everyone in the world instantly gets along with others just because they decide they want to.

Point. Once again, this is not a poly relationship, it's just me and my sister. But Miss and I are the most incompatable people alive. If it weren't for the fact we're related we wouldn't even be friends. We have nothing in common! The only reason we can live together is because this is my house, and therefore things are done mine and kenny's way. If she doesn't like it, she can find somewhere else to live.

Now sex and love to problems like that, and you've got an explosive situation. Once again, it obviously works sometimes. But I think that it working is rare and far between. I think that if all of the members of a poly relationship are really determined, and willing to work their asses off at it that it can work. But if their's even one weak link, then the relationship is gonna fall apart. I think that a one on one relationship is hard enough, I can't imagine trying to work out a poly relationship. Frankly, just the thought gives me a headache.