Should it be unconditional? What are YOUR deal breakers?

[Chris_Xavier]

I selected other.

Cocain, heroine, meth, users need not apply. Sorry but i don't feel like i'm missing out on a good friend, partner, etc. because of being prejudice against this segment of the population when they have a needle stuck up their arm.




pet

Good point, pet. I would have to add the same here.

 

[FurryFury]

Family members in al-Qaeda would be one.

I can see what that would make someone's list. However I must point out that there are people who have family members in al-Qeeda who do not agree with those extremist actions associate with that organization.

Personally I'd hate to be judged my some of my family members.

It's the secretive nature, extremist, and dangerous nature of that group that would bother me the most. How could you ever know that you and your Pyl/pyl were truly safe?

The one thing that is a complete dealbreaker for me is the inability to accept my current poly D/s relationship. If they cannot accept that then no matter how compatible all other aspects may be, it's just not gonna happen.

That makes really good sense to me.

*nods*

I have no hang ups at all with regard to age,finances, children etc etc etc. I can really only think of one deal breaker (and this would in all likelyhood happen after a relationship is already established)... a lack of complete honesty. My trust is given by default, but if I catch my PYL lying to me, then it's a case of "don't let the door hit you on the way out". It's something I just cannot get passed.

I can understand that. My head was there for a long time. In some ways it still is. Few things get me as mad as when I feel I've been lied to.

Still people are human and there will always been some faults including prevarications. I can understand that too. I'm not perfect either.

I can't tolerate someone who is already in a relationship, and I'd not be overly fond of being part of a "Get a green card" plan, either. Everything else is workable, IMO.

Are you back?

*HUG*

Or do you just have computer where you are?

How is it / did it go?

You said you've been in a relationship with more than one person before. Are you saying you'd never consider that again?

I had a good friend who got involved with someone who needs a green card. I thought it was doomed but she is so happy. They have two kids now. And it's not as easy to get a green card as you'd think. He still doesn't have one.

This whole thing with Mexico is messed up IMO. I'm really glad that screwed up immigration bill didn't pass recently. That was so wrong.

In my not so humble opinion, there is no such thing as perfection. Human beings by their very nature are flawed.

After all, we are the only species that kills for fun.


In all things,

There is negotiation.

There is compromise.

There is loss.

There is discovery.

Shit happens, and in the end you have to accept what is or move on.

Wonderfully wise words Ms. Ebonyfire!

*blows kiss*

If you find someone (who is PERFECT) as stated in the opening paragraph. You click..there's chemistry. You do whatever it takes. Of course, that is in a "perfect" world. But yes...if I found a "perfect" PYL in a perfect world, of course I would, however the world is not a perfect place...SIGH...

*nods*

Many do seem perfect, at first, anyway.

I think relationships are conditional. There are plenty of things that would be complete deal breakers. And if there is a deal breaker that means the person wasn't the one for me in the first place.

Absolutely I agree with you that relationships should be conditional and tend to be. Life is thankfully, NOT The Giving Tree but is more like The Missing Piece books by the same author.

You are right if there is a deal breaker for you or for your Pyl/pyl then they and you were not right for one another in the first place.

funny, what i thought would be a deal-breaker (nearly ALL of the ones on your list plus "has a criminal record") and yet the longer i've been with someone the more i am willing to compromise (note: NOT "sacrifice") where my "point of no return" is.

i would think that would be true of anyone in love. i'd be willing to bet there are some people who would place bdsm on that list of deal-breakers, no? there, too, you may have a "NO!" that becomes a "m-a-y-b-e" over time. i can't imagine many who find the point of a finely sharpened blade erotic initially; i see it as more of an acquired taste.

I've found that to be true of me as well both paragraphs. Good points.

I selected other.

Cocain, heroine, meth, users need not apply. Sorry but i don't feel like i'm missing out on a good friend, partner, etc. because of being leary of this segment of the population when they have a needle stuck up their arm.

pet

Good point, pet. I would have to add the same here.

I don't blame you at all. That sort of heavy drug use would be a deal breaker for me as well particularly if it were abused. That person becomes completely unreasonable and no kind of partner at all.

 

[AndrewKay]

Drug abusers, gold diggers, and green-card seekers.

I've been around all that, and though I think I could be strong enough to pull people out of 'shitty patterns', at this point in my life, I would much rather focus my energy rather than starting from negative grounds. Thus these things are all deal-breakers.

 

[FurryFury]

I've been around all that, and though I think I could be strong enough to pull people out of 'shitty patterns', at this point in my life, I would much rather focus my energy rather than starting from negative grounds. Thus these things are all deal-breakers.

I can understand that.

*nods*

 

[AndrewKay]

heroine and meth especially

Meth is probably the worst because of tendencies of heavy-abusers to get paranoid, violent, etc. Heroine addicts are also very very hard to deal with. These two drugs are probably some of the most powerfully addicting out there, and many who fall in the hole never climb out with their sanity, freedom, and energy.

 

[AndrewKay]

deal breakers

WriterDom: You wouldn't lock up in your dungeon an al-queda member and flog him/her 24/7? You would be a patriot if you did probably.

In all seriousness, I am not surprised money and "already has a partner" is on the top of the list. These are the two top divorce issues. Athough having another partner doesn't always equate with infidelity, I think the voting was based on an assumption that the other person is cheating.

 

[neonflux]

Dishonesty. Disloyalty. Great cruelty to others outside of a BDSM context.

 

[minx1]

I'm with Neon on dishonesty. And although I can agree to disagree on politics and religion a racist would be a complete deal breaker for me.

 

[Life_Noir]

So, a question, of sorts...

Have you noticed the "deal breakers' {or just as much to the point "the expectations"} being radicly different between PYLs and pyls???

 

[neonflux]

I'm with Neon on dishonesty. And although I can agree to disagree on politics and religion a racist would be a complete deal breaker for me.

Hi Minx! We are in agreement again. I do think that your post goes to the heart of Fury's original question about whether or not all relationships are in some sense, conditional. There are people to whom I just would never find myself attracted, much less with whom I'd be able to fall in love... Racism, homophobia, sexism, a lack of acceptance of BDSM and multiple expressions of sexuality, a lack of intelletual curiousity or appreciation of the arts - they aren't "deal breakers" in some sense because people with these qualities would never figure into the equation in the first place. I suppose, in that sense, we must all put some conditions on love. Neon

 

[HottieMama]

Meth is probably the worst because of tendencies of heavy-abusers to get paranoid, violent, etc. Heroine addicts are also very very hard to deal with. These two drugs are probably some of the most powerfully addicting out there, and many who fall in the hole never climb out with their sanity, freedom, and energy.

I forgot to add drug users/alcoholics to my list of deal-breakers. Frankly because, addicts are a deal-breaker for every relationship dynamic in my life. Friendships, lovers...doesn't matter. As a recovering addict, i can not have people in my life that actively use drugs. Even though i have many years clean, i know that they can all be gone in a heartbeat and i'll be back in that hole with coke on my nose or a needle in my arm. Like Andrew said, i was LUCKY to climb out of that hole with my sanity, freedom and energy intact, and it's not something i am willing to risk for anyone ever again.

 

[CutieMouse]

Are you back?

*HUG*

Or do you just have computer where you are?

How is it / did it go?

You said you've been in a relationship with more than one person before. Are you saying you'd never consider that again?

I had a good friend who got involved with someone who needs a green card. I thought it was doomed but she is so happy. They have two kids now. And it's not as easy to get a green card as you'd think. He still doesn't have one.

This whole thing with Mexico is messed up IMO. I'm really glad that screwed up immigration bill didn't pass recently. That was so wrong.

I'm still in the DR; I'll be here until next Wednesday, and J's mister triple redundancy man when it comes to power (we lose city power for several hours a day, so there are back up generators/etc).

I've been in a poly relationship before, but it was with a couple whom I'd known for 7+ years, and still love dearly; it only lasted a few months (max). I can honestly say I'd never want to wander down that complicated, rewarding, draining as hell path again.

As for the green card, I don't know that in the back of my mind I could feel 100% that someone was with me for being me, which is what makes it a deal breaker. Drugs are another one, but I don't remember seeing it on the poll- or else I'm just skimming too quickly. LOL

 

[Ebonyfire]

Unconditional vs. conditional

The more I think about this the more I think it is impossible for me to have an unconditional relationship with a submissive.

The primary condition for a relationship with me is that the man be submissive. Without that, there is no chance at all.

 

[sexycaz22]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

 

[Ebonyfire]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

One of my first submissives was a quadriplegic. he was very dear to me for a long while. I don't have any problems with anyone who wants to serve Me provided they meet My criteria.

 

[shy slave]

My first deal breaker is whether they are in another relationship or not. I don't share.

My next consideration would be the age of their children. I don't want to go through the child thing again.

However, not sure it would be an absolute deal breaker.

Drugs would be the third deal breaker.

 

[denalirayne]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

I am a teacher for the Deaf & an Interpreter for the Deaf, so I'd personally have no problems with this. Communication is a critical factor in my relationship, so as long as I can do that I'm fine.

Note to anyone wanting to play with someone who is Deaf: Make SURE you have a non-verbal safe word signal (ie "ball drop" or "bell ring" or "left/right hand tap" or something similar) - - - this should be in negotiation conversation #1!!

As for other disabilities, it would depend on how severely it impacts their daily living & emotional/cognitive abilities. I have to say, it is a unique delight to play with a creative Dom in a wheelchair.

Although I've never experienced it first-hand I can only imagine how delicious it would be to lie, bound to a table, and allow a blind lover to discover all my "2000 parts". After all, the mouth has over 4000 sensory nerves in it compared to a hand's mere 1500.

Yummy.

And don't get me started on the images I've seen online of amputees - - - oddly erotic if you ask me (and you did).

Thanks for the question.

 

[neonflux]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

First question (if the person was deaf): Will you have patience while I am learning sign language? Neon

 

[denalirayne]

First question (if the person was deaf): Will you have patience while I am learning sign language? Neon

Perfect response, neon. Brava!

It appears that we live in the same area - - I am in the East Bay. Hello, neighbor.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

Being deaf isn't a deal breaker.. it would just maybe make communicating tougher and it would stress the importance of trust and communication in the relationship.

 

[neonflux]

Perfect response, neon. Brava!

It appears that we live in the same area - - I am in the East Bay. Hello, neighbor.

Hey back! San Francisco now. Alameda in September! Neon

 

[sexycaz22]

First question (if the person was deaf): Will you have patience while I am learning sign language? Neon

This is a perfectly good question and I do agree.

Personally, for me, I would have no patient (but then I am not patient at most things, part of my personality and part of me!) but I would like to think that if someone who I love, and is in love with, or if I feel something very special with this person, then I would be more than willing to be very patient while the person is learning sign language AND I would be helping this person along with his learning too.

If I am a naturally impatient person, then it would show my commitment to this person, as well as his commitment to me.

Does that kinda make sense?

Being deaf isn't a deal breaker.. it would just maybe make communicating tougher and it would stress the importance of trust and communication in the relationship.

Yes I do have to agree, it will make trust and communication more important, in a relationship and it is up to both parties to make sure that the relationship WILL work, and to find different ways of communicating with each other, if they do love each other and/or feel have something special (ie spark, chemistry whatever) between them, then yes, trust and communication is essential and VERY important.

 

[naxalite0906]

A quick question;

You are chatting with someone online, and you like him/her (submissive or Dom) and as you chat more and more everyday, you find yourself feeling something special for him/her and then this person reveals that he/she is deaf or have a disability, how would you react?

I would react with curiosity more than anything, as I have never been friends with anyone in that situation. I would just hope they would be patient with me and my questions. But it would be far from being a deal breaker.

 

[minx1]

Hi Minx! We are in agreement again. I do think that your post goes to the heart of Fury's original question about whether or not all relationships are in some sense, conditional. There are people to whom I just would never find myself attracted, much less with whom I'd be able to fall in love... Racism, homophobia, sexism, a lack of acceptance of BDSM and multiple expressions of sexuality, a lack of intelletual curiousity or appreciation of the arts - they aren't "deal breakers" in some sense because people with these qualities would never figure into the equation in the first place. I suppose, in that sense, we must all put some conditions on love. Neon

Yes Neon, 100% agreed

 

[SabiLyra]

I agree with many of the deal breakers... here's another

Recently, I thought I had it all... but then I started figuring how much of the everyday, boring, household crap I was doing and I got fed up. The daily grind really does suck if you don't have an empathetic partner.