Should it be unconditional? What are YOUR deal breakers?

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I’ve found that there are behaviors that might not seem like deal breakers at first, but can eventually become ones. Such as excessive drinking that, despite words to the effect of it being a problem and some day changing, isn’t actually believed to be a problem and no real intentions of making any changes are there.

Or frivolous spending to the point of not being able to make house payments, but still insisting on buying expensive gifts for every family member, friend and neighbor each Xmas and birthday.

Then there are the partners that lean on you for emotional and/or financial support that, while it feels good to be needed at the time, eventually becomes completely draining when it turns into a constant dynamic he needs to stay in place for the relationship to work. Especially when it leaves no room for you to do any leaning when you need to.



Within the first blush of a relationship many things are looked at as acceptable or at least workable, but then the routine of day to day life together starts kicking in and, although it could take years, those same things can start to grow to be more and more of a problem.

We are who we are and despite intense attractions, or even love, lifestyles and personalities are not always compatible in the long term, hence issues can become “deal breakers”.


(just my opinion of course, your mileage may vary.....)

 

[serijules]

*blinks*

I would consider anyone who would consider someone's deafness or disability a dealbreaker right off the bat to be a 100% asshole, but that's just me...

For what it's worth, quick mini lesson here. Deaf does not automatically mean "sign language" and "mute". It's a common misconception and while "deaf" often DOES mean just that, like any other disabilities it has levels. Different people handle their deafness in different ways depending on how they were raised, what kind of deafness they have and what communication abilities they have available or make work for them. Just like ANY label in life, disability labels are limiting and uninformative at best. Make sure you don't walk into a judgment without taking the time to find out exactly how that person's disability works. People find out I'm deaf and even after spending 10-20 minutes talking to me normally without realizing, are suddenly thrown off guard and start talking to me really slow and loud as if the last 20 minutes of perfectly normal conversation didn't happen at all. It's RIDICULOUS, lol.

I'm deaf. I wear hearing aids and can hear some sounds with them, but my comprehension of the sounds I hear is zero. Meaning, if I don't see it, I don't know what I'm hearing. The fact that I can "hear" it is meaningless. Thus, I am not hearing impaired, I am deaf. Hearing impaired usually implies that amplification of sound will help the person hear it better. Turning up the TV, a volume on the phone, talking a bit louder or closer to the persons ear, etc. It doesn't work like that for me.

However, my speech is fine. I 100% read lips. Most people who meet me don't even KNOW I'm deaf until they try to talk to my back and I unintentionally ignore them. Heck, I don't even know sign language. I just can't use the phone, and people need to look at me when talking to me. I have a hard time understanding people with accents, facial hair, etc. Otherwise, I'm no different than anyone else.

Most people are pretty understanding and accepting and willing to work around my limitations after they know more about me. It shouldn't be any different for ANY level of deafness or disability in a person.

I've met a few people over the years that were too full of themselves to bother with me, but that's ok cuz I have too much pride in myself to bother with them either.

Anyhow...I understand being unsure, intimidated, etc...but if you don't at least take the opportunity as a learning and growing experience, you really are not worth bothering with yourself in my not so humble opinion.

I guess I DO have a dealbreaker after all! Intolerance and ignorance would be high on the list.

(this is NOT directed at anyone here as none of the replies seemed assholic to me, just sharing my experiences)

 

[marieR19]

*puts thinking cap on* This is a tough question. Ideally, there are many things that I would consider "deal breakers", including relocation problems, money problems/ conflicting views on finances, doesn't want children. Basically because I've been in relationships that have dealt with those issues, and I know how hard it can be and how much of a deal breaker it can be.

However, if this person truly was THE ONE, honestly and truly, no doubt about it, I think we might be able to work through any of that. I think.

Well, anything except the one thing that isn't on that list up there. The only thing I can think of that truly would be a deal breaker, no matter how THE ONE this person was, would be if they couldn't deal with / pressured me about / fought with me about my mental illnesses. No matter how perfect the relationship would be otherwise, it wouldn't be worth it if the person couldn't accept my mental problems.


Heather (back again from the non-lit world )

 

[Perfect_Trust]

STILL believes that STI's don't exist in THEIR world (usually lala land), or that they have some invincible immunity that means they don't need to think about it.

 

[liberatedslave]

I really wouldn't see disability as a dealbreaker. I'm probably shallow enough to see serious disfigurement as one though. I need to be attracted to my SO. Flame me

I voted for 'already being in a relationship' and 'wanting to be supported financially'

Personally I wouldn't ever be able to live totally dependent on my Master for everything. I accept that as a relationship progresses and kids arrive and so on one or other of us might stop working for a while. I've always worked though so I'd need there to be a compelling case for supporting the guy that didn't leave me feeling used.

Already being in a relationship is a dealbreaker for me. I'm a one man woman and I'm far too devotedly jealous to share. Also I'd never be a homewrecker.

Other reasons for me would be that I don't see myself having kids in the future and I wouldn't go into a serious relationship with a man who really wanted to be a father as it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

 

[FurryFury]

Sorry I've fallen behind on this thread. Life has been busy. *grr*

Oh, btw, the inspiration for this thread was Cutiemouse. She is so happy right now. We are so happy for her! Not long ago she made a remark about not expecting that anyone would want to deal with the fact that she had a bunch of kids. She went for it anyway. *smiles*

It made me think, how many of us are holding ourselves back because we think no one would want to deal with X? Or maybe, even, no one would be interested in me because of X and Y and Z.

I believe that though love is somewhat conditional. I believe that there are few if any across the board deal breakers for everyone. I believe that if you are single you should just go for it. Eventually the right person for you will come along. That's why I started this thread.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh, btw, the inspiration for this thread was Cutiemouse. She is so happy right now. We are so happy for her! Not long ago she made a remark about not expecting that anyone would want to deal with the fact that she had a bunch of kids. She went for it anyway. *smiles*

It made me think, how many of us are holding ourselves back because we think no one would want to deal with X? Or maybe, even, no one would be interested in me because of X and Y and Z.

I believe that though love is somewhat conditional. I believe that there are few if any across the board deal breakers for everyone. I believe that if you are single you should just go for it. Eventually the right person for you will come along. That's why I started this thread.

Oh so true...I can't remember how many times people told me I was mad going for what I wanted based on a variety of reasons from age to just plain fantasy. My sisters did not come to our wedding (both said they just couldn't take the day off work), my parents only decided the day or so before to come and argued between themselve throughout the whole ceremony, my cousin who I had nursed through various divorces/lost romances/ health issues said to bring F around so he could meet him and then made sure he wasn't home when we got there and told me later he never intended meeting him, and even after 2 years together a member of my immediate family asked me when I was going to give it up and come back home where I belonged. Oh and I also had friends who told me because he was Spanish, met me on the internet etc., he was more than likely an abuser and going to murder me and steal my money. Phffft, guess who is ecstatically happy and cared for these days and who the ones are who are still complaining about the circumstances of their lives and loves?!!

Catalina

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am a firm believer on controlling what you can. I cannot control someone else, but I can certainly control myself, and the time I might waste with someone who is not simpatico with Me and My ways.


I believe that you must be willing to walk away from a situation that you do not feel is in your best interest. There are worse things than being alone.

 

[FurryFury]

Good for you Cat!

*smiles*

Ebonyfire I agree that it is better to be alone at times.

*nods muchly*

 

[LadyAmaranth]

If someone asked me now if I would leave the person I was with if they developed a disability, I would tell you no, absolutely not. But if it was bad enough, and I actually had to deal with the situation, I might not be so sure. Of course you would not want to "abandon" someone who needs you, but you have needs yourself. Could there be a way of supporting someone (we are assuming a very debilitating illness/disability) and still get what you need?

I do not think there would be any sexual acts that would be "deal breakers," for me, maybe make me shake my head a little and beg "Oh Please, Not THAT!," but we could work with it.

Children would be an issue, but before you get really committed to a relationship, should not that be one of the big issues to ask first. That sort of thing should be decided before hand. One of my relatives got divorced because she wanted kids and he did not. I would just hope things could never get to that point.

Are financial problems a deal breaker? If I found out the person I was with was running up the credit cards, gambling, or doing some other such nonsense, I might have to really consider breaking off with them. I do not think I could be with someone that was soo irresponsible.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

 

[tanijaana]

I chose "other, please specify". I would never be in a relationship with someone that has a constant "my way or the highway" attitude. Adaptability, to me, is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. I even sometimes place it above honesty.

 

[SubKekiLee]

MY opinion

I learned this quote and I love it..

"Id rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong reasons."

Being alone is scary, but being with someone for the sake of being with them is wrong youre leading yourself to a heartbreak..