Silent Treatment? Do you belive in it ?

[lil_slave_rose]

for us, the silent treatment will never be used. yes, a cooling off period, He may tell me to stand in the corner or whatever and then leave the room and come back when He is cooled off and able to talk to me not in anger. but for Him to just pretend like i wasn't there (like i've seen some submissives say their Dom's do) or not call me, text me, etc....yea that would kill me and probably break the bond of trust we've worked so hard to create......

 

[RJMasters]

in answer to the OP's question

No.

I do believe in taking some space, not for discipline though. Mostly depends on what has happened.

There are times when I am angry and honestly I just want to be left the hell alone till I can deal with my own anger. Sometimes its about being so disappointed, that I just really would rather have some time alone.

I am sure that from the other side it may seem like punishment, but my motive is not that I want to punish as much as I really just do not want to deal with your BS right now so leave me alone. Those who understand that and respect my space will find that I cool off fairly quickly and things will work out just fine. Those who panic and tend to push more and more only tend to make things worse.

I try hard to work things out when I can because I would rather deal with things rather than let them fester, but I am not perfect and sometimes my anger or emotions will get the best of me. Having an optimistic outlook even in when facing negative things has seem to me to be the secret in which to handle things when they come up.

I do not like the things which a person learns to fear with being ignored or made to feel alone. I don't like how it can often change their motivation from a desire base to a fear based submission. I don't think relationships should operate that way. If it works for others then that's cool I guess.

 

[FurryFury]

Do I believe it in it? Well, yes, I do believe it exists and it sucks.

LOL.

However, I am thankfully. not with someone who uses it.

 

[Netzach]

I also can't be with someone who interprets small or even medium degrees of lack of attention as ignoring and call them my property. My attention is mine to give or not as I want to and see fit. If it's not enough, then move on, don't sit there unhappy for months - my life is described clearly, and will not revolve around anyone else, not even my spouse.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master goes silent when he's really upset or angry about something and that's usually ok unless I have absolutely no idea what it's all about. That's when I'll crack and try to push him to talk. I can't bear not knowing what's wrong. Like RJ though he uses it more as a coping strategy than a punishment. When we move in together I'm sure there'll be more misunderstandings and silences but we'll get through it.

The one thing I cannot cope with is if he goes to bed and things aren't resolved. I cannot sleep if there is any kind of bad feeling and though he has only tried it a couple of times I have sat and waited until he will talk to me. I believe absolutely in not letting things fester and I hate to start a new day with bad vibes.

 

[Netzach]

Master goes silent when he's really upset or angry about something and that's usually ok unless I have absolutely no idea what it's all about. That's when I'll crack and try to push him to talk. I can't bear not knowing what's wrong. Like RJ though he uses it more as a coping strategy than a punishment. When we move in together I'm sure there'll be more misunderstandings and silences but we'll get through it.

The one thing I cannot cope with is if he goes to bed and things aren't resolved. I cannot sleep if there is any kind of bad feeling and though he has only tried it a couple of times I have sat and waited until he will talk to me. I believe absolutely in not letting things fester and I hate to start a new day with bad vibes.

I used to feel that way, totally. But I've discovered sometimes that important things discussed after 10 pm get worse as parties get more and more tired. And that the bad vibes do dissipate in the AM with coffee.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I used to feel that way, totally. But I've discovered sometimes that important things discussed after 10 pm get worse as parties get more and more tired. And that the bad vibes do dissipate in the AM with coffee.

I do understand what you mean but it doesn't work for us at all in practice.

It's the gut-churning adrenaline rush of knowing that something is wrong. It leaves me the absolute opposite of tired. Also Master is in no way a morning person and he doesn't ever have caffeinated drinks. To try carrying on a conversation next morning with any intention of getting anywhere would be largely pointless. I could leave it till the next evening but then it might take us a week of evening chats to get anywhere!

 

[Homburg]

Wow, lots of judgement going on here. If I use the silent treatment on my sub, I'm being a bad Dom and bad partner? C'mon, we get enough judgement from others on our lifestyle choices, so why get judgemental over each other.

I use it, though I call it shunning, but only when my beloved sub has REALLY screwed up. We have a very caring, sensual, affectionate relationship, and I refuse to hit for punishment generally. I want hitting to be a pleasurable thing, and not associated with wrong-doing. I want my gals to look forward to that sting, not associate it with them being bad. In scene, sure, roleplay will frequently demand that I am punishing them for some alleged wrong-doing, but for actual wrong-doing? No, sorry. hitting is a reward, and something they should enjoy. I'm not going to give a reward to a bad sub.

Shunning usualy involves me expressing my pleasure, some would call it lecturing, then emotional withdrawal and very little talking. I won't say silent treatment, because I will still allow basic minimal communication. I just mak eit painfully clear that I do not wish to speak with her, nor am I interested in speaking with her.

And, yes, as some have stated, it is a punishment on myself as well. That is, however, appropriate. Why? Because I am her Dom. If I am angry at her for failing me, I have to be also aware that part of the reason she failed me was my own fault. I was either lax in her training, or failed to communicate my desires or commands properly. I take responsibility for her failures as often as I do her successes. Hell, I consider myself more to blame for her failures, if anything. As a result, if I am punishing her hard for some major infraction, I need to suffer as well.

Why should I expect her to learn from suffering if I do not make myself learn from suffering too? Additionally, putting her through the hell of emotional shunning, and, yes, it's cruel, I know, is mitigated somewhat by her knowledge that it is rough for me too. To an extent, that probably makes it even worse in some ways, because she knows that I am suffering too and subs are like that. Still, I only use it when dire mistakes are made. Mistakes that are so serious that it is a matter of shun or leave. In those cases, I would rather shun her than take my leave of her. Plain and simple. Call it the punishment of last resort.

And, geeze, mellow out people. If it works for us, and it does work, then why are you judging? I've had a sub use a safeword once while being shunned, as she couldn't stand it (and I'd told her that safewords could be used any time for any reason). You know what I did? I put my arms around her, told her that I loved her, and rocked her to sleep. It's a punishment, not me withdrawing my love from her. Even as pissed as I was, she was still my girl, and nothing could change that. Safeword comes out, and my emotional switches are thrown completely over. I stop being angry and rush to protect, recover, and give care.

 

[HottieMama]

Homburg...


i apologize if you took my comments as judgmental. Do i think you are a "bad Dom" for doing this type of thing? No, i don't know you from a can of paint and i am not your sub so it really doesn't matter. What i can say with 100% certainty is that this type of treatment/punishment makes someone a bad Dom for me. It may work with your subs, and that's great. i believe in whatever works for the couple. For me, it doesn't work.

As for the exchange between littleone and i...That was based on two specific people that trust me shouldn't ever let the phrase...."i am a Dom...i am a Daddy" cross their lips. That wasn't a judgment on anyone that has posted in this thread.

 

[Sprinkles22]

Homburg...


i apologize if you took my comments as judgmental. Do i think you are a "bad Dom" for doing this type of thing? No, i don't know you from a can of paint and i am not your sub so it really doesn't matter. What i can say with 100% certainty is that this type of treatment/punishment makes someone a bad Dom for me. It may work with your subs, and that's great. i believe in whatever works for the couple. For me, it doesn't work.

As for the exchange between littleone and i...That was based on two specific people that trust me shouldn't ever let the phrase...."i am a Dom...i am a Daddy" cross their lips. That wasn't a judgment on anyone that has posted in this thread.

Gmta, Hottie. I just sent Homburg a PM to apologize for 'my' comment about it being a cruelty. Same as you, what I meant was ... it would be a cruel thing to do to ME.

I hope he understands

 

[littleone77]

Homburg...


i apologize if you took my comments as judgmental. Do i think you are a "bad Dom" for doing this type of thing? No, i don't know you from a can of paint and i am not your sub so it really doesn't matter. What i can say with 100% certainty is that this type of treatment/punishment makes someone a bad Dom for me. It may work with your subs, and that's great. i believe in whatever works for the couple. For me, it doesn't work.

As for the exchange between littleone and i...That was based on two specific people that trust me shouldn't ever let the phrase...."i am a Dom...i am a Daddy" cross their lips. That wasn't a judgment on anyone that has posted in this thread.

I'm sorry as well. We were passing judgement but not a host of people just two rather inhuman people in particular.

In layman's terms, just because I can fit into a size 4 jean does not mean everyone else can or will.

 

[HottieMama]

In layman's terms, just because I can fit into a size 4 jean does not mean everyone else can or will.

BITCH!

 

[littleone77]

BITCH!

*grinz*

Sorry love, you can insert any size in that equation you want to. How about a size 0?

If I didn't like you so HM I might just be offended *winks*

 

[serijules]

Ma'am will use a form of silent treatment, but it is much more subtle than what most of you are describing here.

She is not a fan of coddling. If I do something wrong, something needs correcting that I've already been taught, forget something, or she feels I need to spend more time THINKING about an answer rather than just flat out asking a question, she will grow quiet and allow me a chance to wise up on my own before she will take the initiative to correct me.

This trains me into using my own damn brain instead of depending on her to shoulder all the responsibility of what I should know. I'm a bright girl, and there are some things that I just need to try a little harder with sometimes and tend to get lazy about. The silence is louder than the chastisement. Sticks longer too.

As Netz said too, sometimes she just needs time to herself. To cool off (not necessarily from anything to do with me), because she's in a bad mood and wants to be left alone, etc. She doesn't have any reason to tell me these things and get my "permission" to be left be. If she is angry with me, she will tell me. Simple as that. So if there is a long period of silence and she's given me no indication it is anything I need to correct or worry about, she expects me to respect that.

 

[FurryFury]

I used to feel that way, totally. But I've discovered sometimes that important things discussed after 10 pm get worse as parties get more and more tired. And that the bad vibes do dissipate in the AM with coffee.

I know what you mean.

Though I hate mornings in general, after my husband is on "overdrive," resolving anything is impossible.

I've learned to let him sleep the pugnaciousness off.

The next day, whenever we next get to talk, is almost always better.

I generally calm myself with a book, though I'm likely to have nightmares.

Fortunately, this type of thing rarely happens with us lately, but there were about two years of it, during which, I was ready to pull my hair out. At that time each of us was less willing to stop "discussing" things and simply let the go until a better time.

He was also trying to be "honest" with me. That sounds great doesn't it. In practice that meant repeating what he thought over and over until he thought I'd actually heard it. Since, it seems, he rarely feels truly fully and perfectly heard, it was quite a frustrating struggle. I swear I could repeat exactly what he said, how he said it and he'd still be dissatisfied.

I'm so glad we are past that now!

 

[Netzach]

Ma'am will use a form of silent treatment, but it is much more subtle than what most of you are describing here.

She is not a fan of coddling. If I do something wrong, something needs correcting that I've already been taught, forget something, or she feels I need to spend more time THINKING about an answer rather than just flat out asking a question, she will grow quiet and allow me a chance to wise up on my own before she will take the initiative to correct me.

This trains me into using my own damn brain instead of depending on her to shoulder all the responsibility of what I should know. I'm a bright girl, and there are some things that I just need to try a little harder with sometimes and tend to get lazy about. The silence is louder than the chastisement. Sticks longer too.

As Netz said too, sometimes she just needs time to herself. To cool off (not necessarily from anything to do with me), because she's in a bad mood and wants to be left alone, etc. She doesn't have any reason to tell me these things and get my "permission" to be left be. If she is angry with me, she will tell me. Simple as that. So if there is a long period of silence and she's given me no indication it is anything I need to correct or worry about, she expects me to respect that.

Right.

The "it's not about YOU" factor.

But I think this is something different, probably.

 

[Netzach]

I know what you mean.

Though I hate mornings in general, after my husband is on "overdrive," resolving anything is impossible.

I've learned to let him sleep the pugnaciousness off.

The next day, whenever we next get to talk, is almost always better.

I generally calm myself with a book, though I'm likely to have nightmares.

Fortunately, this type of thing rarely happens with us lately, but there were about two years of it, during which, I was ready to pull my hair out. At that time each of us was less willing to stop "discussing" things and simply let the go until a better time.

He was also trying to be "honest" with me. That sounds great doesn't it. In practice that meant repeating what he thought over and over until he thought I'd actually heard it. Since, it seems, he rarely feels truly fully and perfectly heard, it was quite a frustrating struggle. I swear I could repeat exactly what he said, how he said it and he'd still be dissatisfied.

I'm so glad we are past that now!

That's us. Except I'm your husband. LOL.

 

[FurryFury]

That's us. Except I'm your husband. LOL.

*chuckles*

I knew I loved you!

 

[Homburg]

*poke*

All of you, no apologies necessary! I was not offended at anyone's comments. I have simply noticed a trend towards the same sort of judgemental BS that the vanilla type direct at us as a whole. I wanted to post from the standpoint of someone that does use this treatment, and realises how heavy it is and thus uses it only when situation is dire.

How do I normally punish? Well, stern disapproval is usually sufficient. "v" and "w" both are very sensitive women. I could narrow my eyes and "w" would start moving to kneel, lower her eyes, apologise, etc. "v" rarely warrants punishment, and when she goes beyond the need for stern disapproval, I'll do things like difficult postures. She knows all about Catholic school girl stuff like standing still and holding a book in each hand at arm's reach for a few minutes. There are other possibilities, but they get more esoteric, and are more tailored to her personality and needs, and it rarely gets to that point.

As for the exchange between littleone and i...That was based on two specific people that trust me shouldn't ever let the phrase...."i am a Dom...i am a Daddy" cross their lips. That wasn't a judgment on anyone that has posted in this thread.

The jackass that called himself master over "w" previous to me was like that. If I ever meet the guy....

Honestly, really bad doms infuriate me like nothing else.

 

[littleone77]

*poke*

The jackass that called himself master over "w" previous to me was like that. If I ever meet the guy....

Honestly, really bad doms infuriate me like nothing else.

Now that would be an interesting thread...What you'd do to the bad Dom which previously was with your sub. Perhaps that might scare of them into non jack ass behavior.

 

[RJMasters]

The one thing I cannot cope with is if he goes to bed and things aren't resolved. I cannot sleep if there is any kind of bad feeling and though he has only tried it a couple of times I have sat and waited until he will talk to me. I believe absolutely in not letting things fester and I hate to start a new day with bad vibes.

Normally when I need space and I realize that things will not be resolved before bedtime, I make a point of saying...I know I am angry right now, but things will work out. This usually is enough to let her relax enough to let it wait.

Like you she cannot sleep when there is something amiss. I agree completely with Netz though that after a certain time, with the emotional stress, not much good can come out of trying to resolve things when people get tired.

I remember early on in our marraige, she wouldn't let either of us sleep until we talk whatever it was out. Never worked very good and usually I ended up caving on whatever and would say "Fine" as convincingly as I could.

Somewhere between then and now she has learned to trust me enough that when I say things will work out, we can talk about this again later, but for now let's get some sleep....it works. One other thing I do is just hold her hand while we sleep. Its kind of my way to show her that though things may not be right, I am not cutting her off from me I just want her to respect me enough to give me time to work it out.

 

[RJMasters]

Homburg,

I am aware that many do use this in effective ways in their relationship and it works well for them, so that is why at the end of my first post I added, that if it works for others then cool.

I wouldn't go so far as to make a judgement that this person is a bad Dom because they use this. Nope, not at all. People have different needs. What works for some doesn't mean its a one size fit all kind of thing.

I just wanted to clarify that I was not being judgemental, just expressing from my point of view and expereince that the silent treatment is not something I think is helpful to a realationship as a form of punishment. I admit that, that is not true of all relationships.

I think my biggest problem with it, is I see it more of emotional blackmail kind of thing. I have used it in the past and it works amazingly well, however I don't like the effect it has upon the person. It may get results, but at what cost?

I know most submissives will do just about anything, will endure just about anything to avoid being ignored or cut off. Some Doms rub their hand greedily at this prospect knowing the power they have in using this, for me it sort of humbles me in thinking...omg that is a lot of power and responsibility for one person to hold over another....and so I think carefully about the consequences of using that kind of power and what can happen if it is used wrongly.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Homburg,

I am aware that many do use this in effective ways in their relationship and it works well for them, so that is why at the end of my first post I added, that if it works for others then cool.

I wouldn't go so far as to make a judgement that this person is a bad Dom because they use this. Nope, not at all. People have different needs. What works for some doesn't mean its a one size fit all kind of thing.

I just wanted to clarify that I was not being judgemental, just expressing from my point of view and expereince that the silent treatment is not something I think is helpful to a realationship as a form of punishment. I admit that, that is not true of all relationships.

I think my biggest problem with it, is I see it more of emotional blackmail kind of thing. I have used it in the past and it works amazingly well, however I don't like the effect it has upon the person. It may get results, but at what cost?

I know most submissives will do just about anything, will endure just about anything to avoid being ignored or cut off. Some Doms rub their hand greedily at this prospect knowing the power they have in using this, for me it sort of humbles me in thinking...omg that is a lot of power and responsibility for one person to hold over another....and so I think carefully about the consequences of using that kind of power and what can happen if it is used wrongly.

Geez I wish at times like this we had a current Dom/me Calendar happening. Excellent post.

Catalina

 

[Life_Noir]

I also can't be with someone who interprets small or even medium degrees of lack of attention as ignoring and call them my property. My attention is mine to give or not as I want to and see fit. If it's not enough, then move on, don't sit there unhappy for months - my life is described clearly, and will not revolve around anyone else, not even my spouse.

Ahhhhh Netz.... As always, a ray of refreshing dark rationality in a sea of ever so sparkly touchy feelyism......

Do I believe in the "silent treatment" as punishment?.... Well... That depends..
For someone to have fucked up to the point where I decline to speak to them at all, generally would take quite a bit..
But it would also probably be paired with something along the lines of "Sit.. Right there... Don't move..Don't speak..Don't do anything to draw my attention until I cool down." Also, that can only happen within a certain type of previously defined relationship.
And if they were so bent out of shape by this that they wished to leave.. By that point I would probably gladly show them the door.
But, that would be what it was about.... Roughly the same thing the he stated ... A need to cool down..
Yah know...Cooling down is a great saver of relationships... Continuing to talk, when you should have walked away..Is a great killer of them.

Oh... And Bunny is right... For pities sake, it was 8 hours. On a cool down. Not a "punishment". I could see perhaps starting a thread if it had been days... Well ... At least 3 days..
Lets face it ... 8 hours is a bit thin...
*scratches head*
And just for grins...I know what my reaction would be if I were him, after reading this thread... I wonder about his????

 

[intothewoods]

Geez I wish at times like this we had a current Dom/me Calendar happening. Excellent post.

Catalina

Ok, but can we include the bit about holding her hand because that is super dreamy romantic.