Silent Treatment? Do you belive in it ?

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you for your points of view Catalina... I have previously checked with my PYL and he says if I dont understand something I can be free to ask, if you notice in all my postings I DID NOT give the total reasons why I was in trouble/silent treatment and nor did I tell you what the final outcome except that I have spoken to him and everything will work out. I asked for the assitance of knowing since I didnt know the anwser if it was a common thing. I did not insult MY PYL or ANYONE elses for that matter as to not agreeing with everyones opinion I did not bash anyone for not agreeing with me I took some of the info and understood and will use it for my benefit I also took some and shared it with my PYL and told him I dont like that approach. I dont like that I got ridculed or chastized for having my opinion and sharing it.. but hey thats life Freedom of speech... But please understand I am not in a "just" online relationship I live about 40 mins away from my PYL and he is my friend, lover and PYL. It is important to me for me to understand the purpose of some of the things he has done to me durring our relationship. I have previously privately asked for opinions and I got opinions that didnt neccissarly agree with but I didnt chastize them for giving it to me. I felt as if this whole thing got blown out of porportion when all I asked originally is do you believe in it... But thanks for your opinion ..

My post may have been on a thread you started, but it was in response to a comment made here which I supported in things I have seen on the forum as a whole, not this thread in particular. It is a valid reality (as I mentioned, there have been instances of it happening here including between MP and lsr...it is a learning experience), and as such I took the opportunity to comment further on the initial comment and explain why for those who may understandably be sitting scratching their heads wondering why a PYL may take offence at something they had posted in relation to their relationship. This is how we all learn and though some like to put across the image they come into this lifestyle with all the answers, that is BS and also a way to stop them learning more and opening themselves up to their potential...and no, this also is not aimed at you, it is a general statement based on observation and experience and in response to some of the BS that is posted here from time to time...it is life...people often feel threatened to think they do not have all the answers.

I am sorry you seem to be reacting so negatively and strongly to what people have to say, and feel it is personal to you in all instances...it is not and to post in a public forum means there are days when you might not get it right according to someone or even everyone, and not everyone is going to agree with or share your experience or view, we have all been there. The point is to take what applies to and works for you and value the fact there is such a place you can come and get a variety of views, opinions, and experiences. This was the first online forum I ever saw or posted to and it was a lesson I had to learn and which took some time. It is normal to feel hurt when your emotions are high or you feel misunderstood, but you don't have to take it personally or defend yourself at every turn, though it is difficult to remember at times.

Catalina

 

[RJMasters]

This is something I also agree with and something which I notice often that others do not tap into or understand. I guess it depends on the PYL, but like you, the ones I have known draw the line at what they will and will not welcome being publicly discussed. For those who might not yet have had the misfortune to learn that lesson personally, and maybe not understand why, the reasons can vary as to why this is an expectation of the PLY. One reason is about bringing shame or discredit upon your PYL through public disclosure of intimate parts of your relationship...people will judge (it is natural despite what people say here before they voice their own judgements), people will only have your version to go by, people will read between the lines even if there is nothing to read between the lines, and overall it can embarrass, humiliate, shame, anger, or disappoint the PYL.

Another common reason, especially with experienced PYL's is because they know what they want and expect from their pyl, and it is not something they appreciate being aired for a public vote on whether they are right or wrong to expect such things. It is between the people in the relationship, not a bunch of anonymous online people who have no part of the relationship. It is to the PYL the pyl turns for guidance and instruction, not outsiders...asking publicly if something is OK is often seen as doubting the PYL, not trusting them, and strange as it may seem to some, not submitting to them. And yes, someone is bound to say, 'what if the pyl is being abused, or doesn't know what is acceptable etc.?' I would hope a pyl would be sensible enough to know when it is necessary to look for outside help, and when it is an issue of what D/s is all about as opposed to attempting to manipulate or sway things to go the way they want or think they should. If it doesn't fit, review if it is the right PYL for you and act accordingly.

Catalina

Ya know, I have learned this lesson more times than I can count. I think rebecca made simallar remarks earlier in this thread which were equally wise about the sharing of private matters and the dangers of doing so.

Seeking advice and support on an open message boards can be tricky at times. On one hand we would like to believe that this is a welcoming place where people can ask questions, but realistically an open message board is probably not the best place to discuss private matters. In some ways this creates a bit of a catch-22 in that a lot of what we talk about is of a personal nature.

The Internet often gives this false sense of anonymity which is dangerious in more ways than one, but specifically to your comments, I dare say anyone would walk into a public place with a room full of people and say I am having a problem with my husband/BF/Dom/SO and I would like some advice on this. I think its safe to say that most people would never do that in real life. Maybe in a support group type environment, but I think this thread clears up any misunderstanding that one should see an open forum board as a support group.

From my own pov, I am kind of scratching my head at how this thread has taking the turn it has. When I read SubKekiLee's OP on this I sorta of just discarded the personal elements of it and what I saw was "What is your thoughts on using the silent treatment for punishment". Its probably a bad admission to make that I didn't know what the whole 8 hours thing people have been talking about until I went back and re-read the OP.

I can agree that had SubKekiLee started the discussion without any personal details, the direction this thread would have taken may have proved to be different. Then again maybe not considering that it also takes others to accept the invitation to a personal conversation regardless of how it miay have been presented. I guess looking at it that way, if a person did walk into a room of strangers and ask out loud advice of a personal nature, I may scratch my head at the wisdom of that, but watching people shout their tactless opinions or advice across the room would make me raise my eyebrows even more. And I am pretty sure that if in real life I saw someone walk over and say your an idiot, or something along the lines of..."I am a bitch/asshole so what I am about to say and the manner I am about to say it, is ok and you need to deal with that and just get a tougher skin." I wouldn't find that refreshing, or wonderful. Even if I happen to agree 100% to everything they say.

I think what a person says is important, but no less important is how they choose to say it. I can appreciate blatant honesty as much as the next person when I see it, but riding rough shod over people has little to do with helping people as much as it is about needing to be right.

I apreciate the way you phrased the above, because it is not only that I agree with it 100%, but I also appreciate the way it which is was said. My hope is that
SubKekiLee hasn't become so defensive that she will not be able to see the wisdom and the experience which you offer, and considerate it carefully regardless of whatever background noise might be going on.

 

[RisiaSkye]

It's funny what passes for cruelty.
So many say "Beat me, piss on me, and pimp me out, just don't...leave me alone with my thoughts!!"

I've seen several people say that it's either immature or unfairly manipulative to use silence as a disciplinary measure. That can be true, in that any action can be undertaken poorly or used to ill effect. But, not on the basis that it's a mind game. I mean, come on. It's naive to pretend there's no mind games in BDSM. Mind games are half the point. No matter how you spin a D/s or S/M or permeation thereof relationship, it has mind at its center, and manipulation of mental states near its core resonance.

What is sub-space but a carefully crafted mental illusion? What is the Dom/we power rush but a heady mind trip facilitated by the scene. TPE is the ultimate mind-fuck in many ways. So, let's not act like suddenly our relationships are free of "games." Where's the line between "good" head games and "bad" head games? How much of the bitching about silent treatment is really just topping from below?

Every relationship is different and yadda yadda, but some subs (of any gender) are attention whores and/or manipulative schemers. For some, denial of attention is effective discipline, because it takes from them the spotlight, and the chance to wrangle more attention by misbehavior and defensiveness about that behavior. There are few ways to "punish" a pain slut. But, they're often emotionally needy. In the end, silence can work.

JMO, JMMV.


RS

 

[Netzach]

It's funny what passes for cruelty.
So many say "Beat me, piss on me, and pimp me out, just don't...leave me alone with my thoughts!!"

I've seen several people say that it's either immature or unfairly manipulative to use silence as a disciplinary measure. That can be true, in that any action can be undertaken poorly or used to ill effect. But, not on the basis that it's a mind game. I mean, come on. It's naive to pretend there's no mind games in BDSM. Mind games are half the point. No matter how you spin a D/s or S/M or permeation thereof relationship, it has mind at its center, and manipulation of mental states near its core resonance.

What is sub-space but a carefully crafted mental illusion? What is the Dom/we power rush but a heady mind trip facilitated by the scene. TPE is the ultimate mind-fuck in many ways. So, let's not act like suddenly our relationships are free of "games." Where's the line between "good" head games and "bad" head games? How much of the bitching about silent treatment is really just topping from below?

Every relationship is different and yadda yadda, but some subs (of any gender) are attention whores and/or manipulative schemers. For some, denial of attention is effective discipline, because it takes from them the spotlight, and the chance to wrangle more attention by misbehavior and defensiveness about that behavior. There are few ways to "punish" a pain slut. But, they're often emotionally needy. In the end, silence can work.

JMO, JMMV.


RS

Yes. And I've found that people who don't need this kind of treatment are often the most able to handle and accept this kind of treatment, so it's almost moot. I don't think I could be with someone whom I'd be tempted to punish by ignoring because their insistence that I was thus abusing them would make me ignore them much more, ignore them past the point of punishment and into the point of habit. It will not pull me back in, for sure. If you can't handle my temporary withdrawl of attention when I've been showering you with it as a matter of habit, I would argue that you don't have your mental stuff and self esteem and ability to keep yourself busy enough to "go there" with me, anyway.

Do I use the silent treatment? I use whatever I damn well please to get my point across. The slave I have would have it no other way.