Sub using the safeword, feelings of Dom/me

[cymbidia]

roared "Yellow, Yellow, for God's sakes, Yellow"...

~giggling a little, well, like a crazy lady~
Um.
Well.
You got your point across, right?

I mean, i usually sceam,
"YELLOWYELLOWYELLOWYELLOW
FUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
YELLOW
but your way worked, right?
And that's what counts, that it works and they hear us.

 

[SierraMoon]

~giggling a little, well, like a crazy lady~
Um.
Well.
You got your point across, right?

I mean, i usually sceam,
"YELLOWYELLOWYELLOWYELLOW
FUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
YELLOW
but your way worked, right?
And that's what counts, that it works and they hear us.

yes, it seems both of our ways work....
thanks again for your encouraging words... i really appreciate it!! r.

 

[WillowPuss]

Siera, I have had to safe word a couple of times ... and have always then burst into tears, falling over my tongue to say how sorry I am. I too felt a failure (and a fool)!


I am so glad that you were able to safeword out though. (((hugs)))
To my mind that takes a bit of courage to do ... you so want to please and then you find you just can't. Possibly thats why I end up in tears? (Or it could be I am a big cry baby anyway! lol)

 

[SierraMoon]

Siera, I have had to safe word a couple of times ... and have always then burst into tears, falling over my tongue to say how sorry I am. I too felt a failure (and a fool)!


I am so glad that you were able to safeword out though. (((hugs)))
To my mind that takes a bit of courage to do ... you so want to please and then you find you just can't. Possibly thats why I end up in tears? (Or it could be I am a big cry baby anyway! lol)

that's exactly what i called myself to him... a big crybaby... and, he told me to stop thinking of myself that way, that i'd better be honest with him ALWAYS... no matter what, and that i'd better ALWAYS use my safe word, if i think it's necessary.. otherwise he won't know what's going on with me...
i am truly lucky to have him

 

[Shadowsdream]

never never never feel like a failure to your Dom/me if you must use the safe word.

BUT if you ever use the safe word simply because you would rather be brushing your teeth than enduring you should be thinking failure big time.

safe words should be whispered..yelled..or gasped out in honesty and pride. you should expect and deserve no less than compassion and empathy.

safe words = courage in My books...the courage is in using it as needed

 

[mishkin]

I don't see that either party should feel a failure if the sub uses the safe word. No-one is a mind reader or can predict every situation, and a dom often contributes most when testing their own limits and those of the sub.

I think this is especially true in the early stages of a relationship when the dom will not be fully familiar with the body language of the sub, and the sub will be unsure of what they can take and what they can't. Also if either or both parties are inexperienced -everyone has to start somewhere.

To feel so upset about it is in a way a wonderful idealism, and of course one should try to tune in to the sub's needs, but all the same I feel the safe word is a natural part of the proceedings not a sign of failure.

 

[CarolineOh]

Sierra, what you showed in that situation was the sincerity of your submission. You felt that you were letting him down, and that made you feel miserable about yourself. But you didn't let him down, you honored him with your honesty.

 

[SierraMoon]

Shadowsdream, Mishkin, and caroline...

Thank you all for your wonderful words... i'm feeling much better about the whole thing, since listening to all of my wonderful friends here, and having everyone rally around me, when i am feeling my lowest, and lifting my spirits up, is truly priceless....
i know that i should have believed in my Dom, when he told me that it was silly that i felt failure, because sometimes you are just not in the right headspace to play, but at the time, it was hard to hear, and especially to believe..... but, since i've calmed down, and talked more to him, and posed the question to you, and having you all reply in such a loving manner, i feel so much better... thank you again my friends.. you are all held close to my heart... r.

 

[mishkin]

Very glad what we said was helpful, SierraMoon. You must be a senstive person and someone who expects a great deal of herself to have been so upset - or at least to have remained so upset after the event, because of course at the time anyone might be distraught at interrupting the flow. Even though as everyone is saying that is much the best thing to do in the circumstances, and much less damaging to the relationship and to the dom as well as to yourself than struggling on against the grain.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I've only ever had to use my "yellow" safeword on a couple of occasions, mostly for cramps. My Dom was very understanding, helped me get more comfortable, and then our play time resumed. I've not ever gotten to the point that I needed to stop things totally, however, I know that Master would be proud of me if I did have to use "Red". We trust each other to keep things safe, even being married to Master, I would never play without my safewords, and he doesn't want that either.

No matter my trust level (which is very high with Master) I will never play without my safewords.....or the sense that I will be safe playing.

 

[bluemouse]

thank you sierra ~ and all

i am so glad to read this thread, i thought it was just me!!

i would never, ever, play without a safeword.

but, I also have a really hard time using mine...

my little story ~ i had been in a relationship with a dom for almost a year, with a lot of trust and a lot of fun, and i had never used my safeword...one night, he asked me why.
i told him that using it would make me feel like i had failed, that i couldn't live up to what he wanted from me ~

that night, he told me in no uncertian terms that if i ever ever felt the need, i HAD to safeword...

i still did not ~ even though a time or two, i should have

so,

about a week later, he bound me completly, against the wall, and with no warm up, no words, began using a flogger on my back. HARD. I enjoy quite a high tolerance, but after some time of this relentlessness, i began to cry silently, fighting with all my will not to safeword.

he continued.

finally, i could take it no longer, and the word flew out of my mouth in a scream.

he stopped, unbound me, and held me close.

and then he began to speak...telling me that he had done that deliberately, to teach me to use my safeword when i needed to, and that it would never disappoint him, and that he was only disappointed if i let something continue that i honestly could not handle....

so, i learned that night.

I'm still struggling with it, but that lesson will ever remain in my mind.

I thank you all for your thoughts on this ~ I am so glad that I am not alone.

 

[petrel]

Sierra I have safeworded out of scenes several times with my partner and top. Every time except once it was a 'yellow' - cramp ( I have a dodgy shoulder injury) usually; or occasionally an intense need to blow my nose!!

I've never felt awkward on those occasions but I have had to use yellow a couple of times when we'd got so far into a scene or play and my headspace just wasn't right - and yes it did feel odd.
Overall at the moment I have a lower sex drive than my partner and I felt as if I was letting him down - not as a sub but as his partner - he wanted to make love to me
(okay that involved tying me uip and paddling my backside but hey we are in love so its still 'make love' in my book)
but I wasn't in the right mood and I felt guilty and 'not good enough':
- we have had several long talks and come up with some signals and mroe importantly a willingness to communicate that helps in these situations but it is still hard sometimes.

On a slightly more serious level I had to safeword 'red' once (in 3 years). I have a fantasy about knife play - he bought me a beautiful dagger sharp but not razor sharp and we started out playing. After about 5 minutes I began to feel as if I was being attacked. I was scared, I couldn't look at him and I was most definatly NOT turned on. I couldn't get myself to a pplace where I could say 'stop -red' for far too long - not because I was scared of him but because I had asked him to do this and i felt as if I was 'wussing out'.
Its amazing what too much pride can get you into!!
I did safeword in the end and got soundly told off for not doing so earlier when he realised how upset I was. I hope I now have the courage to use safewords as often as needed.
I would like to ask him how he felt when I safeword. I am aware of his feelings too - because i love my partner and I know that me using the safeword must have some effect on him I try not to use it in case it hurts or worries him - mixed up thinking!

any way thats my second rant ont his subject so I'm going now
but Sierra - you did the right thing!!!

 

[joi]

safe words

Hugs to all....Yes, i thought the use of our safe word was a sign of my failure but discovered that it really equates with our trust of one another and.....a deep love of each other's value. Being smothered with hugs and kisses and then a long soul searching conversation was just the perfect side effect to show me that primary colours..green, yellow and red are brilliant.

carpe diem!

 

[fferkle]

I hope everyone who says they don't need a safeword is just "kidding". Safewords are essential. Recently, a sub of mine told, "You can sense my limits very well." It scared the hell out of me, (especially since this sub isn't that verbal about her needs).

We have all heard horror stories about Doms who can't/won't respect a sub's limits. Perhaps what is not widely publicized are subs that won't respect a dom's limits at not being able to read their minds and won't verbalize their needs/desires/limits. This is just as bad.

 

[cymbidia]

Shoot.

 

[cymbidia]

~sigh~

 

[Cirrus]

I have yellow and red words. I will not play without them even though I am playing with only one man, the man who I am in a relationship with. Why? I don't know my limits yet. We're trying to find them. I need that safeword for when we finally do. When that moment comes, I know my Dom will "bookmark" that point and go up to, but not past it.

There was a time also, very recently, during which I felt like a failure. I had a really tenacious female infection, and we couldn't have sex. I thought it was cured, we had sex...it wasn't cured. It wasn't having sex that brought it on, it never went away. But He felt awful, thinking he'd pushed me...and said he wouldn't try to start anything for the next 2 weeks to let me get back to being healthy and happy. Sure, we had physical contact, but it wasn't the same. He felt it and I felt it. I felt terrible then because I felt that I wasn't satisfying him. It was beyond my control and I knew he knew that, but I still felt terrible. I love the fact that he wants me, I love the fact that I please him...I hated not being able to do that.

 

[SierraMoon]

thank you to all the new and old friends that have come in here, and offered their heartfelt experiences, and advice.... i'm hoping that by reading all of this, that no one feels out of place here.. we all have our trials and tribulations, and being able to air them out here, on this board definately helps....

(trying to get back to the original thread topic)... i believe that my Dom was so caring about my "incident" because, he knows that i push myself past my own limits, and so when i do safeword out, that means that i am definately not in a good place... it doesn't happen often, but he knows i'm not just throwing that sacred word around at whim....
when we had our lengthy talk about all of this, he told me how proud he was of me, and how far i have come, in such a short time... when we play.. we play hard ... canes, whips, and studded paddles are common place to me anymore... although, he is always looking for new and exciting things to do and use with me...
always, r.

 

[bluemouse]

Sierra, thanks again for sharing, i know reading all this has helped me ~ as well as i just noticed that you too, are in michigan!! glad to meet you....

 

[JenJ]

I wouldn't play without safewords knowing they are in place makes me feel safer as well as my submissive.

 

[SierraMoon]

Sierra, thanks again for sharing, i know reading all this has helped me ~ as well as i just noticed that you too, are in michigan!! glad to meet you....

well, i'm glad that i aired my "dirty laundry" in public, then, if it's helping others.... i too, thought it was just me, and that i was a wimp.. what a relief to find that others feel the same way!!
glad to meet you also, bluemouse!!
(Us Michiganders might just take over this forum.. lol)

 

[bluemouse]

hmm, now there's a thought!! didn't realize there were so many of us, Sierra!!, but it is nice!

 

[lark sparrow]

Did your sub ever used a safeword? It happened to me twice. The first time it was because he had a cramp, the second time was when I read his (some one else) reactions wrong.

Talk about falling from a high building; those were some of the most shocking things I've ever lived through.
The first time wasn't that bad, but the second one, I felt guilty, unable to be a good Domme and downright awful. It took me a while to recover. It was important for me to experience those feelings, I learned a lot about myself and as a result I feel that I've become a better Domme because of it.

Monika

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

 

[awaken41]

RE: no play with safewords....I offer this real-life scenario...

A Dom is doing a single tail scene with a sub at a public club. One would think it was painful just to watch him wrap the kidney's a dozen times, but he further entertained us. He threw the tail out between the sub's legs, caught it on something and yanked it back. He tore out her clitoral hood piercing. She was taken to the hospital by ambulance.

2 things come to mind: one, he didn't know how to properly use the instrument, and two, H/he (sarcastic emphasis there) didn't ask the right questions prior to doing the scene- i.e.-do you have any piercings.

Just b/c you call yourself a Dom/me doesn't give you the knowledge of the ages or the ability to play the role. Anyone that states that they will not play with a safe word is just so full of themselves and should be avoided by the entire Bdsm scene. I do my best not to come off as a DWA (my new term for Doms With Attitudes at the clubs). The more I listen to other Dom/mes and hear about their play, the more I shudder in disgust. I think we may need a new term for us b/c this one has too many bad connotations. There are so many reasons, as you have all listed, to use a safe word, and there are so many more that these omnipotent Dom/mes don't know about.

D