Swinging in BDSM?

[Evil_Geoff]

Aghhh, one of the very people I was hoping would respond to this thread. Geoff, I completely trust your judgement and have the highest respect for you I was thinking of you when I opened this thread because I know you and Janey have a poly relationship with Danelle.

I'm so confused within my own self. How does it work? How does Janey remain confident that she's your one and only Love?

I'm struggling in my mind over this .... and feelings of abandonment.

*soft smile*
Well, first off, we had a poly relationship with dannell. For reasons of her own that she has not chosen to share with janey or myself, dannell walked out of the relationship and our lives several months ago.

I can't answer for how janey feels. I don't know that she does believe she's my "one and only Love." I am reasonable certain that she knows that I _do_ love her a great deal and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But as to whether or not she believes she'll be the only woman I will ever love? I don't think she holds that expectation. I do know that she sometimes struggles with feeling like she's "not a good enough slave." I know she worries that she isn't a deep enough masochist for my tastes. I know she wonders if I think she's still sexy... We talk about these things, and I assure her that I'm pleased with her, proud that she is mine, that I'm not going anywhere without her at my side.

She knows I still have feelings for my ex-wife, and my ex-slaves. When I love someone, but the relationship comes to an end, I don't _stop_ loving them. I may not hop in the sack with them, I might not hold their leash, but my heart doesn't excise them and throw them away. I grow my heart some more and grow in a new direction when I go into a new relationship.

janey brought dannell to me, I did not bring dannell to her. They worked out the ground rules between themselves and presented the idea of dannell joining our family to me. I've been in poly relationships before, I know just how bloody hard they are to work out and work out well for everyone concerned. I was willing to try the relationship because both of them were willing to try. It didn't work out the way janey or I had hoped, but that's okay.

janey knows that I'm the kind of person who values and prizes loyalty above almost any other trait except perhaps honesty. Love, schmove. "Serve me truly and well, and I will reward your loyalty in kind." I think I'm kinda feudal that way... *LOL*

janey knows that at the end of the scene, the presentation, the play party, regardless of what I've done and with who, I'm coming home to be with her, I'll be going to sleep next to her and waking up next to her. She is my girl, and I let her know it. I might break the terms of our relationship in some way or another, but then it's her decision to stay or go. But I'm not putting her to the curb unless she does something so mind-bogglingly heinous that it's beyond redemption or forgiveness. I can nly imagine a couple of scenarios that would engender that reaction, I can't see her doing them so I don't think it's a high probability and I don't think she thinks anything like that would ever happen either.

Hope that helps!
- Geoff

 

[ecstaticsub]

I bet they're paying your Dom to be with you . You just don't realise it.

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. You don't know me, you don't know him. You don't know the situation. I know him, and there is no way he would do anything like that behind my back.

 

[EmpressFi]

my husband and I are polyamorous, not swingers. For us it means we can be and are attracted to other people, even love them, but it doesnt diminish the love we have for each other and that our relationship comes first. I both love and am in love with Master and my husband loves both of his partners. Both the husband and I have jealousy issues. not with each other, but with our partners, but.. it is something we're working through. We know that our choice is not one for every couple, but it works for us.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. You don't know me, you don't know him. You don't know the situation. I know him, and there is no way he would do anything like that behind my back.

Evening ecstatic,

Retrieval is just being.... Retrieval. Agent provocateur, rabble rouser, pin for inflated egos, professional curmudgeon.

Please don't take his comments seriously or personally. It's kinda like being on the receiving end of a Don Rickles diatribe...

 

[Netzach]

Evening ecstatic,

Retrieval is just being.... Retrieval. Agent provocateur, rabble rouser, pin for inflated egos, professional curmudgeon.

Please don't take his comments seriously or personally. It's kinda like being on the receiving end of a Don Rickles diatribe...

And while horrid, it is kind of hot. In theory anyway, not necessarily in relation to ecstatic and her D.

 

[Retrieval]

EG has a very polite way of calling me an asshole.

 

[ecstaticsub]

And while horrid, it is kind of hot. In theory anyway, not necessarily in relation to ecstatic and her D.

It's not the thought of him pimping me out that is horrible it is that Retrieval would think he would do it behind my back. I am sure he would at least give me 20%. LOL (my Dom have thought about this before..)

Evil_Geoff Good evening to you too...yeah I know...I've seen him around.

 

[ecstaticsub]

EG has a very polite way of calling me an asshole.

I am way too polite to call people body parts but that is one name that was going through my head...amongst others..

 

[Retrieval]

I am way too polite to call people body parts but that is one name that was going through my head...amongst others..

Not my fault you can't handle the truth.

 

[Netzach]

20? If I pimp H I plan on giving him 20 bucks only to bitchslap it out of him again.

 

[ecstaticsub]

20? If I pimp H I plan on giving him 20 bucks only to bitchslap it out of him again.

Well, see that's why being in a D/g relationship is better, I get my 20%. LOL

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[SubKekiLee]

*soft smile*
Well, first off, we had a poly relationship with dannell. For reasons of her own that she has not chosen to share with janey or myself, dannell walked out of the relationship and our lives several months ago.

I can't answer for how janey feels. I don't know that she does believe she's my "one and only Love." I am reasonable certain that she knows that I _do_ love her a great deal and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But as to whether or not she believes she'll be the only woman I will ever love? I don't think she holds that expectation. I do know that she sometimes struggles with feeling like she's "not a good enough slave." I know she worries that she isn't a deep enough masochist for my tastes. I know she wonders if I think she's still sexy... We talk about these things, and I assure her that I'm pleased with her, proud that she is mine, that I'm not going anywhere without her at my side.

She knows I still have feelings for my ex-wife, and my ex-slaves. When I love someone, but the relationship comes to an end, I don't _stop_ loving them. I may not hop in the sack with them, I might not hold their leash, but my heart doesn't excise them and throw them away. I grow my heart some more and grow in a new direction when I go into a new relationship.

janey brought dannell to me, I did not bring dannell to her. They worked out the ground rules between themselves and presented the idea of dannell joining our family to me. I've been in poly relationships before, I know just how bloody hard they are to work out and work out well for everyone concerned. I was willing to try the relationship because both of them were willing to try. It didn't work out the way janey or I had hoped, but that's okay.

janey knows that I'm the kind of person who values and prizes loyalty above almost any other trait except perhaps honesty. Love, schmove. "Serve me truly and well, and I will reward your loyalty in kind." I think I'm kinda feudal that way... *LOL*

janey knows that at the end of the scene, the presentation, the play party, regardless of what I've done and with who, I'm coming home to be with her, I'll be going to sleep next to her and waking up next to her. She is my girl, and I let her know it. I might break the terms of our relationship in some way or another, but then it's her decision to stay or go. But I'm not putting her to the curb unless she does something so mind-bogglingly heinous that it's beyond redemption or forgiveness. I can nly imagine a couple of scenarios that would engender that reaction, I can't see her doing them so I don't think it's a high probability and I don't think she thinks anything like that would ever happen either.

Hope that helps!
- Geoff

WOW as always Geoff you are amazing.. I love what you said.. and I think I will use it to show myD about how yours works.. Thanks again for your wise words

 

[Homburg]

Been with "v" for 15+ years now, and married for nearly ten of those years. She was the one that got me into D/s as it spoke to her very deeply. She is my love and my life, and my submissive. I have always been faithful, and never been seriously tempted. The idea of other women, while amusing for wank-fodder, was utterly unrealistic.

Then along comes "w". She is incredible, wildly compatible with me, attractive, funny, intelligent, similar interests, submissive, etc. For the second time in my life I find myself falling head over heels for someone. Before "v", I'd never felt this. Until "w", I hadn't felt it again.

Well, something crazy happened. I realised that I didn't love "v" any less. Not a whit, actually. Still loved her like crazy. In fact, I loved and appreciated her more, paid more attention to her, and was a better husband and lover for my new love for "w".

One thing leads to another and I ask "v" for permission to let the inevitable happen with "w". Yes, she is my sub and I asked for permission. I'm a Dom, not a complete asshole. "v" is my wife, and the mother of our children, and a person that is utterly central to my entire life. I'm not going to do something crazy like bring another woman into our life without making sure she was okay with it. She said she was, so I moved forward.

It turned out that she wasn't really okay. she thought she was, but insecurity popped up like crazy, making her miserable as hell. Things weren't fun for either one of us, and I felt like a cad. I couldn't just not love "w" though, and I was in hard enough to not be able to really control my emotions anyway (bad thing for a Dom to admit, I know).

Fast forward a month or two, and "v" has totally come to terms with it. She knows that I love her, and am in love with her again, and that I will not leave her, period. She knows that "w" does not diminish anything that "v" and I have. She also knows that I am not a swinger, and am not going to cat about with woman after woman. Why? Because "v" knows how special "w" is, and how I feel about her, and she also knows that love and sex are inseperable for me. I have to seriously trust someone, or I will not be able to be physically intimate with them, period.

The flip side is "w". While she knew that I was married, she wasn't comfortable with it, and still isn't. She has major jealousy issues. She is as caught up in the emotion as I am though, and can't really see her way out of it, nor does she really want to right now. So we are trying to figure out how to balance things so that she can handle the whole affair mentally and emotionally, and not stress out completely.

Will it work? I don't know. Neither does she. "v" is straight and level. She's the calmest of the three of us, and she is the one that most people would think should be the most wound up .She's the wife dealing with a husband that has another woman on the side. *shrug* "v" is flat awesome like that. "w" is all over the place, and me? I'm just sort of hanging on for dear life.

Did adding another woman destroy the trust and intimacy of my relationship with "v"? Not in my eyes. She had some trust issues with me, and I felt awful about that, but she eventually got past them. I won't sugar-coat it. It sucked, and I felt like shit while it was going on. Now, however, "v" is honestly happier than I've seen her in years. It is all in outlook though. She'd rather share me with "w" than see me miserable because I can't be with her. Why? Because she loves me, and she knows that I love her.

(And, heh, yeah, I used that same "I own you, no one owns me" line too. It's bullshit, and I knew it when I said it. "v" owns me. "w" owns me. My kids own me. Anyone that you love completely and utterly owns you.)

If you'd like, I'll ask "v" to pm you, sprinkles22.

 

[Homburg]

janey knows that at the end of the scene, the presentation, the play party, regardless of what I've done and with who, I'm coming home to be with her, I'll be going to sleep next to her and waking up next to her. She is my girl, and I let her know it. I might break the terms of our relationship in some way or another, but then it's her decision to stay or go. But I'm not putting her to the curb unless she does something so mind-bogglingly heinous that it's beyond redemption or forgiveness.

Bravo, and well said. "v" and "w" have both done things that deeply pissed me off, even so far as to say enraged me. I am still not going to abandon either. "mind-bogglingly heinous" is a good way to describe what it would take. Again, bravo.

 

[Penalt]

Okay, my relationship with Mamid has been 'open' from day 1. We always had the understanding that we could 'play with someone else as long as certain conditions were met. Since then, some 8 years ago, that option has only been used a few times.

Our relationship is oriented more toward BDSM than it is toward poly or swinging. We are good friends with a couple who are the reverse. More poly than BDSM. The one thing that we have noted is that in both relationships clear communication isn't just important. Its vital. In fact I would go so far as to say its just about the most important aspect of either a BDSM or poly or swing relationship.

Communication builds trust, defuses issues, stops potential issues cold. It keeps the love alive and it is nearly always a breakdown in communication that causes the breakup of any of those three types of relationships.

 

[ecstaticsub]

(And, heh, yeah, I used that same "I own you, no one owns me" line too. It's bullshit, and I knew it when I said it. "v" owns me. "w" owns me. My kids own me. Anyone that you love completely and utterly owns you.)

.

It may be bullshit for you but not for us. It is a very powerful statement for me. I don't own him in the way he owns me. Yes, I have a hold on him, on his heart and soul. But it is not ownership. To each their own.

 

[Homburg]

It may be bullshit for you but not for us. It is a very powerful statement for me. I don't own him in the way he owns me. Yes, I have a hold on him, on his heart and soul. But it is not ownership. To each their own.

That line was meant to be read with a smile. When I love, I love deeply, and I have sacrificed deeply for those I love. No, they don't own me in the same way that I own them, but it is bullshit for me to say that no one owns me as some sort of blanket statement, when they surely do. They each own my love and my heart in their own way.

Frankly, I find more power in the honest version of this statement, because it better reflects the nature of the relationship. My ladies are people, not furniture, and they hold great sway over me. It is just being honest to admit that. Hell, every Dom I know that is in a similar relationship would agree (assuming they were honest enough to do so). Sure, there are those for whom their submissives are chattel, and nothing more. That ain't me.

The ties that bond her to me, bond me to her as well. Yes, the tie, in this case, is a leash, and I hold my end while hers is clipped to a collar, but it is still a tie that connects us, and it is still a mark on me as surely as it is a mark on her.

We differ by degrees though. Our positions aren't that different, nor is our wording.