Teach-in Ghazal

You've raised the bar - talk about needing drink......

I read a lotta ghazals and listened to some jazz first. :D

And Wintermute is right: it's more of a puzzle than it would seem. I think part of it is that one is used to thinking up end rhymes, and the form forces you to look at a line a different way. It feels clumsy if you're not used to it. I had to delete a lot of lines that were awful before I started to feel it could work.
 
Posted it in poem a week as I must keep up my count, but here is my ghazal. Phew.

Minton's Ghazal

The dream was sepia. It was a velvet tone poem,
a minor key, a smoky ennui all alone poem.

Picture a crowded stage, a barroom haze and mirrors
gazing at the crowd, bewitched, spotlight on a moan poem.

Tenor man says "Take another helping," then he winks,
steps to the shadow, lets the thin man play his bone poem.

Am I blue? I'm telling you darling you're mean to me--
when you sing soft and low I hear a should have known poem.

The record pops and skips, suddenly the past recedes
and yet the song plays on in me for it's my own poem.

Applause :rose:
 
Just to be awkward although I like the poem, I was always under the impression that the Ghazal was about loss and pain and then the coming to terms with it and to my mind there is none of that in the poem posted
That is definitely not the impression I take away from Persian and Urdu ghazals. Consider the fabulous Sufi poet, Rumi. His writing was about desire, longing and the occasional (read frequent) hangover. How could a whirling dervish not be in ecstasy since this is why they spin, nu?
 
That is definitely not the impression I take away from Persian and Urdu ghazals. Consider the fabulous Sufi poet, Rumi. His writing was about desire, longing and the occasional (read frequent) hangover. How could a whirling dervish not be in ecstasy since this is why they spin, nu?

I look forward to your interpretation :)
 
Gravity carves the mattress with host aches,
but the unwashed sheets suffer the most aches.

Languid hours spent tracing silhouettes made
from our newly discarded bed post aches.

Beating heart echos that scrape your absence
like the relentless tides making coast aches.

Balmy skin steeps into late afternoon,
wondering if it's how a pot roast aches.

Tonight's new stars will help to count out our
loves inventory and only boast aches.
 
Did you ever get to Minton's in your NY days?

Nope. When I used to hang out in NYC, we thought the Village was the center of the city and uptown meant Broadway and Lincoln Center. I have heard amazing music (and poetry, too) in many places there, but never made it to Minton's or any of the great jazz clubs. I was young and did not yet realize there was a jazz gene in me, still unexpressed.

One of my girlfriends and I used to see this guy in Washington Square Park we'd chat with about the blues--well, he'd talk and we'd mostly listen. He even invited us to his apartment once and we grilled ribs and smoked pot and listened to John Lee Hooker and Muddy Waters. It was, well except for the pot at the time, pretty innocent. Anyway that guy was John Hammond, Jr., and if I knew then what I do now, I'd probably have proposed to him on the spot. :D
 
Gravity carves the mattress with host aches,
but the unwashed sheets suffer the most aches.

Languid hours spent tracing silhouettes made
from our newly discarded bed post aches.

Beating heart echos that scrape your absence
like the relentless tides making coast aches.

Balmy skin steeps into late afternoon,
wondering if it's how a pot roast aches.

Tonight's new stars will help to count out our
loves inventory and only boast aches.

this is awesome, thanks for setting the bar so high with Angeline :(
 
Nope. When I used to hang out in NYC, we thought the Village was the center of the city and uptown meant Broadway and Lincoln Center. I have heard amazing music (and poetry, too) in many places there, but never made it to Minton's or any of the great jazz clubs. I was young and did not yet realize there was a jazz gene in me, still unexpressed.

One of my girlfriends and I used to see this guy in Washington Square Park we'd chat with about the blues--well, he'd talk and we'd mostly listen. He even invited us to his apartment once and we grilled ribs and smoked pot and listened to John Lee Hooker and Muddy Waters. It was, well except for the pot at the time, pretty innocent. Anyway that guy was John Hammond, Jr., and if I knew then what I do now, I'd probably have proposed to him on the spot. :D

Oh wow! You and I should swap blues/jazz tales some time. In Ottawa, of all places I saw a very tired and ill-looking Chet Baker perform and we had a, mostly, incoherent conversation. That is one of my fondest jazz memories, he died soon after.
 
I look forward to your interpretation :)
Well, I'm quite unhappy with the result here. Maybe I'll set it to rights or just write another. It started strong but sorta fizzled off at the end...

That Night

The fruity taste lingered on your vineyard scented lips that night in Paris
as we kissed you blessed my mouth with too brief sips that night in Paris

On the boulevard you stood with me and whispered secrets of sex promised
at midnight we danced with entwined legs and rolling hips that night in Paris

You stretched your arms out to me as I removed the lace from my breasts
and slowly freed my hair from its restraining clips that night in Paris

Shaky with lust your caresses mingled with sensual pull on my nipples
as you erotically teased and bit the hardened tips that night in Paris

I have forgotten the name of the champagne as we toasted our intent
to often return for many delights and repeat trips that night in Paris
 
Gravity carves the mattress with host aches,
but the unwashed sheets suffer the most aches.

Languid hours spent tracing silhouettes made
from our newly discarded bed post aches.

Beating heart echos that scrape your absence
like the relentless tides making coast aches.

Balmy skin steeps into late afternoon,
wondering if it's how a pot roast aches.

Tonight's new stars will help to count out our
loves inventory and only boast aches.

I was ok with it until I got to 'pot roast' ........ did you use it because it just happened to rhyme?
 
Well, I'm quite unhappy with the result here. Maybe I'll set it to rights or just write another. It started strong but sorta fizzled off at the end...

That Night

The fruity taste lingered on your vineyard scented lips that night in Paris
as we kissed you blessed my mouth with too brief sips that night in Paris

On the boulevard you stood with me and whispered secrets of sex promised
at midnight we danced with entwined legs and rolling hips that night in Paris

You stretched your arms out to me as I removed the lace from my breasts
and slowly freed my hair from its restraining clips that night in Paris

Shaky with lust your caresses mingled with sensual pull on my nipples
as you erotically teased and bit the hardened tips that night in Paris

I have forgotten the name of the champagne as we toasted our intent
to often return for many delights and repeat trips that night in Paris

I don't know about fizzling out but it certainly sizzles!
 
Well, I'm quite unhappy with the result here. Maybe I'll set it to rights or just write another. It started strong but sorta fizzled off at the end...

That Night

The fruity taste lingered on your vineyard scented lips that night in Paris
as we kissed you blessed my mouth with too brief sips that night in Paris

On the boulevard you stood with me and whispered secrets of sex promised
at midnight we danced with entwined legs and rolling hips that night in Paris

You stretched your arms out to me as I removed the lace from my breasts
and slowly freed my hair from its restraining clips that night in Paris

Shaky with lust your caresses mingled with sensual pull on my nipples
as you erotically teased and bit the hardened tips that night in Paris

I have forgotten the name of the champagne as we toasted our intent
to often return for many delights and repeat trips that night in Paris

Paris was mighty good to you. And damn you got your name in, sorta. :)
 
@todski28... Thanks, I think. :rose:

I was ok with it until I got to 'pot roast' ........ did you use it because it just happened to rhyme?

No, but I am not surprised you flagged it that way as I wondered if it would actually flow/work well enough. I will try to explain. I often think of humans as souls wearing meat suits and that when we sweat that we sort of baste ourselves with our lives experiences. (For the record, no, I am not a cannibal :)) That said, pot roast is a oft painfully slow lower heat dish that results in the meat becoming so broken down from cookin in its own excess juices (fat), it shreds and collapses when you touch it. I guess I was trying to suggest she was fragile in that way from cooking in her own excess juices of sweat, funk, and tears all day.

Another thing I was trying to also do was to sneak in some acceptance. It suggests that she was bored with her state enough to wander in thoughts just a little about life affirming thoughts about food. Boredom to me kinda suggests a bit of acceptance and hunger is symptom of a healthier body asking for more.

Does that help? I guess that you had to ask about it though kinda tells me it did not really work, right?
 
Well, I'm quite unhappy with the result here. Maybe I'll set it to rights or just write another. It started strong but sorta fizzled off at the end...

That Night

The fruity taste lingered on your vineyard scented lips that night in Paris
as we kissed you blessed my mouth with too brief sips that night in Paris...

I am no help on style or mechanics, but I think this is wonderful. I really liked like how it starts you out in such an intimate familiar sense of taste which I know for me tends to stir very vivid memories. If you really are worried about the fizzle though, maybe consider swapping champagne bubbles for a nice white wine? :)

ETA oops! I just connected that champagne was quite intentional and clever name nodding as it is. I blame poetry class brain drain... Or something. Cheers! :)
 
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I read that poets will add their name in the last verse of a ghazal?

Yes, I read the same thing...

"Let us not disturb you unwillingly,
or find we are mechanics of breaking love."

I did not, however, work in drug or alcohol use into things--something else I saw in a write-up on the history and writing of ghazals.

:cool:
 
Yes, I read the same thing...

"Let us not disturb you unwillingly,
or find we are mechanics of breaking love."

I did not, however, work in drug or alcohol use into things--something else I saw in a write-up on the history and writing of ghazals.

:cool:

Haha, clever, I didn't even see that.
 
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