Teach-in Ghazal

[Neonurotic]

No more coffee for you.

HA! Funny you should say that:


Café Au Lait Ghazal

She always passed Café Du Monde while I drank my coffee,
sometimes stop, talk, flirt and of course have me buy coffee.

Then without asking if I wanted it, she gave me her number,
telling me she preferred beignets with no milk, "why coffee?"

"Why not? An insomniac poet's best choice is not beer or liquor,
it's blonde and sweet, my fuel to write, I need, don't deny coffee.

Without it, there are no words, the well dries and so will my cup
of joy. Then mon cheri, why would I want you? Comply coffee!"

"You love that café au lait more than you love me, oui Jamison?"
"There are other muses." She huffs, is gone and I drip-dry coffee.

 

[todski28]

@todski28... Thanks, I think.



No, but I am not surprised you flagged it that way as I wondered if it would actually flow/work well enough. I will try to explain. I often think of humans as souls wearing meat suits and that when we sweat that we sort of baste ourselves with our lives experiences. (For the record, no, I am not a cannibal ) That said, pot roast is a oft painfully slow lower heat dish that results in the meat becoming so broken down from cookin in its own excess juices (fat), it shreds and collapses when you touch it. I guess I was trying to suggest she was fragile in that way from cooking in her own excess juices of sweat, funk, and tears all day.

Another thing I was trying to also do was to sneak in some acceptance. It suggests that she was bored with her state enough to wander in thoughts just a little about life affirming thoughts about food. Boredom to me kinda suggests a bit of acceptance and hunger is symptom of a healthier body asking for more.

Does that help? I guess that you had to ask about it though kinda tells me it did not really work, right?

That is how I saw the usage in the line pot roast as well, so it worked for me, part of the fun is how many people see different things or don't see things when you write a piece.

 

[todski28]

*Unfettered ghazal*

Liberate yourself by confessing your desire for more
Kisses, cuddles, loving caress to inspire for more

Release a hold on propriety indulge in your senses,
fling yourself with reckless abandon, light a pyre for more

Igniting this flame burn it so bright, come to me my lover
let us explore, how we can make these embers fire for more

don’t hide away with shy eyes, hold me in passionate caress
for it is this that I throw myself, climbing higher for more

I will not beg and plead for you, but earn the right to it,
proof starting from today that I won’t be a liar for more

 

[UnderYourSpell]

@todski28... Thanks, I think.



No, but I am not surprised you flagged it that way as I wondered if it would actually flow/work well enough. I will try to explain. I often think of humans as souls wearing meat suits and that when we sweat that we sort of baste ourselves with our lives experiences. (For the record, no, I am not a cannibal ) That said, pot roast is a oft painfully slow lower heat dish that results in the meat becoming so broken down from cookin in its own excess juices (fat), it shreds and collapses when you touch it. I guess I was trying to suggest she was fragile in that way from cooking in her own excess juices of sweat, funk, and tears all day.

Another thing I was trying to also do was to sneak in some acceptance. It suggests that she was bored with her state enough to wander in thoughts just a little about life affirming thoughts about food. Boredom to me kinda suggests a bit of acceptance and hunger is symptom of a healthier body asking for more.

Does that help? I guess that you had to ask about it though kinda tells me it did not really work, right?

I had actually seen that but I thought no can't be because quite frankly it made me shudder!!
Editing to say that sounds terribly rude and wasn't meant that way ........ actually it's very clever. I am of a squeamish nature!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

HA! Funny you should say that:


Café Au Lait Ghazal

She always passed Café Du Monde while I drank my coffee,
sometimes stop, talk, flirt and of course have me buy coffee.

Then without asking if I wanted it, she gave me her number,
telling me she preferred beignets with no milk, "why coffee?"

"Why not? An insomniac poet's best choice is not beer or liquor,
it's blonde and sweet, my fuel to write, I need, don't deny coffee.

Without it, there are no words, the well dries and so will my cup
of joy. Then mon cheri, why would I want you? Comply coffee!"

"You love that café au lait more than you love me, oui Jamison?"
"There are other muses." She huffs, is gone and I drip-dry coffee.

Fabulous and I especially like 'I drip-dry coffee' andddddd yes you got your name in too!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*Unfettered ghazal*

Liberate yourself by confessing your desire for more
Kisses, cuddles, loving caress to inspire for more

Release a hold on propriety indulge in your senses,
fling yourself with reckless abandon, light a pyre for more

Igniting this flame burn it so bright, come to me my lover
let us explore, how we can make these embers fire for more

don’t hide away your sensuous sexy womanly caress
for it is this that I throw myself, climbing higher for more

I will not beg and plead for your touch, but earn the right to it,
proof starting from today that I won’t be a liar for more

Well done you did it!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I started writing one with my name in it but even to me it sounds so cheesy and sickly sweet that I've left it!

 

[champagne1982]

*Unfettered ghazal*
<snip>
don’t hide away your sensuous sexy womanly caress
for it is this that I throw myself, climbing higher for more</snip>

You wrote one! Congratulations.

I was looking at your abundance of adjectives in the first line of this verse...
I'd consider dropping "sexy womanly" and let the line ride on sibilance. So:

don't slyly hide your sensuous caresses
it is for this I climb higher for more...

or something.

 

[champagne1982]

I read that poets will add their name in the last verse of a ghazal?

We most assuredly had some wonderful teachers around when I started the ghazal class way back in 2008... PoBo Form Master Class Series - The Ghazal

 

[Angeline]

We most assuredly had some wonderful teachers around when I started the ghazal class way back in 2008... PoBo Form Master Class Series - The Ghazal

Thank you for posting that link. I totally forgot that I wrote a ghazal before.



Amante VI (Ghazal)

Amante, there are sorrowful pools in our eyes.
Sometimes we drown in the depths in our eyes.

Those nights are ancient, they bleed memories.
We fall together, breaking rules in our eyes.

Forget what love is; it's on the tip of my tongue.
The world and we two are fools in our eyes.

Look here at them striated amber and dark.
Our souls are gifts rare as jewels in our eyes.

Pájaro triste, míreme y vea el Sol en esta noche.
Míreme, míreme before night cools in our eyes.

Comfort with kisses; it's on the tip of my tongue.
Unravel the hours, unlearn the schools in our eyes.

Look Jamis: my name is in it! Just not all in the last couplet. Yes. I know. Remec and Champ did it.

 

[Neonurotic]

Thank you for posting that link. I totally forgot that I wrote a ghazal before.



Amante VI (Ghazal)

Amante, there are sorrowful pools in our eyes.
Sometimes we drown in the depths in our eyes.

Those nights are ancient, they bleed memories.
We fall together, breaking rules in our eyes.

Forget what love is; it's on the tip of my tongue.
The world and we two are fools in our eyes.

Look here at them striated amber and dark.
Our souls are gifts rare as jewels in our eyes.

Pájaro triste, míreme y vea el Sol en esta noche.
Míreme, míreme before night cools in our eyes.

Comfort with kisses; it's on the tip of my tongue.
Unravel the hours, unlearn the schools in our eyes.

Look Jamis: my name is in it! Just not all in the last couplet. Yes. I know. Remec and Champ did it.

Haha, good enough. I remember this poem, thought it was earlier than 2008?
I also managed to put my name in my ghazal and made it coffee poem.

 

[Angeline]

Haha, good enough. I remember this poem, thought it was earlier than 2008?
I also managed to put my name in my ghazal and made it coffee poem.

Bitch.





ETA: Probably originally wrote around 2004/2005 when I was writing all those Amante poems.

 

[todski28]

You wrote one! Congratulations.

I was looking at your abundance of adjectives in the first line of this verse...
I'd consider dropping "sexy womanly" and let the line ride on sibilance. So:

don't slyly hide your sensuous caresses
it is for this I climb higher for more...

or something.

Thank you, I will attempt to melt my brain further to fix it. I think the biggest issue was the syllable count trying to make it work to the format so I added words to make up the beat and keep the intention as well, without the thought of over using adjectives. This form for some reason really stretched my limits which is great.

 

[champagne1982]

Thank you, I will attempt to melt my brain further to fix it. I think the biggest issue was the syllable count trying to make it work to the format so I added words to make up the beat and keep the intention as well, without the thought of over using adjectives. This form for some reason really stretched my limits which is great.

See? The beauty of metre removes the emphasis from line count and creates a focus on rhythm, so for your words' sakes you could consider switching to using a metre vice syllable count. Don't forget, forms are tests in structure so you're allowed to get a question or two wrong without failure as a consequence. I'd sooner write a modified form than a poorly considered poem.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The only word that comes to mind is magic
walked into my life and just created magic

I wasn't looking didn't see you come my way
had no way of knowing that you equated magic

Sparks that flew and stars began to shine
I looked at you and suddenly translated magic

No longer lost scared and waiting all alone
were you waiting was this fated magic?

Now I lay forever in your arms to stay
Under your spell completely sated magic

 

[Angeline]

The only word that comes to mind is magic
walked into my life and just created magic

I wasn't looking didn't see you come my way
had no way of knowing that you equated magic

Sparks that flew and stars began to shine
I looked at you and suddenly translated magic

No longer lost scared and waiting all alone
were you waiting was this fated magic?

Now I lay forever in your arms to stay
Under your spell completely sated magic

That's lovely and I even know who you wrote it for. And gosh, there's your name!

's to you and the object of your ghazal.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have just been bashed round the head by de ja vu, I'd forgotten I wrote this before on that thread, but the silly thing is I was trying to write one this afternoon and there was a lot of the the one above in it. I think I just revisited myself!

 

[champagne1982]

This warms my heart you've gold-plated magic!

What a wonderful poem. I hope you've shown it to your magician.

eta: I didn't know you'd snipped it out of the master class thread. LOL

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That's lovely and I even know who you wrote it for. And gosh, there's your name!

's to you and the object of your ghazal.

Yep 14 years married next month

 

[UnderYourSpell]

This warms my heart you've gold-plated magic!

What a wonderful poem. I hope you've shown it to your magician.

I don't think I have he doesn't usually understand my poetry but I might just try him with this one

 

[champagne1982]

Yep 14 years married next month

Keep going my girl... You'll catch up to me and mine someday - est. 1985

 

[Neonurotic]

The only word that comes to mind is magic
walked into my life and just created magic

I wasn't looking didn't see you come my way
had no way of knowing that you equated magic

Sparks that flew and stars began to shine
I looked at you and suddenly translated magic

No longer lost scared and waiting all alone
were you waiting was this fated magic?

Now I lay forever in your arms to stay
Under your spell completely sated magic

This is fantastic! I don't even realize I'm seeing a form poem.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Keep going my girl... You'll catch up to me and mine someday - est. 1985

He's my third time lucky
P.S I thought I better own up about snipping it from the thread before I was found out!

This is fantastic! I don't even realize I'm seeing a form poem.

That's made my day thank you, considering it's the first one I ever did and I had to be spoon fed to actually understand the form when I wrote it! Ironic that now I'm the one doing the teaching!

 

[Angeline]

I think it's excellent overall Annie, but what really swings the whole thing is that great refrain word and that fact that you found perfect rhymes to not only link the couplets but move the narrative along.

 

[todski28]

See? The beauty of metre removes the emphasis from line count and creates a focus on rhythm, so for your words' sakes you could consider switching to using a metre vice syllable count. Don't forget, forms are tests in structure so you're allowed to get a question or two wrong without failure as a consequence. I'd sooner write a modified form than a poorly considered poem.

I agree, embaressed to say I have no idea what meter is? Most of what I have written is gut instinct, words and brain melting effort, even if it doesn't appear that way comparative to what others have written. I start looking at iambic pentameter, stressed syllables, unstressed syllables etc the words smash me in the face like a baseball bat and the only coherent sense I get from it is not a lot. I really do appreciate all the effort everyone has put in to help educate me and say thank you.