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The General Commentary Thread

Angeline said:
Good luck all you 30/30 people! :rose:
Click to expand...
Thank you! I hope I can make it for the rest. Even if I fudge on posting (I'm off to The Netherlands in a week!) I will still post poems when I have internet. They'll be on my phone but heck, I will include pics, maybe that will redeem me?
 
cascadia's last 2 in 30 in 30 i really like - un-nesting, and plaiting

the images embrace me as a reader, so i don't feel shut out of the poem even if it's written as a personal piece... it manages to make the reader a part of the poem by experiencing it via simple language and shared (human) points of reference such as the plaiting, the emptying of shelves of all their everyday lifetime 'stuff'
 
butters said:
cascadia's last 2 in 30 in 30 i really like - un-nesting, and plaiting

the images embrace me as a reader, so i don't feel shut out of the poem even if it's written as a personal piece... it manages to make the reader a part of the poem by experiencing it via simple language and shared (human) points of reference such as the plaiting, the emptying of shelves of all their everyday lifetime 'stuff'
Click to expand...

:eek:
Thank you butters :rose:
 
fuck me, champers -- ballpark, knocked out of... think you left my guts and mind messed up with this one. it feels classic as owen's dulce

The Ypres Salient
 
butters said:
fuck me, champers -- ballpark, knocked out of... think you left my guts and mind messed up with this one. it feels classic as owen's dulce

The Ypres Salient
Click to expand...
He talked to me about these things only once he saw me in uniform. I still cry remembering the look in his eyes as he told me about lying in the hospital tent in 1916 after being gassed at Paschendaele.

He was wounded twice, the gas of course, but he also had a pair of scars that marked the bullet going in, just below his spleen and exiting out his back through soft tissue and no significant damage. His mates called him lucky and he told me he always wondered how lucky it was to be put back in action time and time again.

Thank you.

I will remember.
 
cassie... tides and times

kissing dewy shores
with salted magic


these lines feel so good to speak aloud, and for some reason make me taste salted caramel!
 
cassie, much to like in your last short poem in 30/30. i'd suggest it even works without your last line, which feels implied by the previous lines. really neat little poem. :cool:
 
butters said:
cassie, much to like in your last short poem in 30/30. i'd suggest it even works without your last line, which feels implied by the previous lines. really neat little poem. :cool:
Click to expand...

Here is cascadiabound poem:


book club ladies
gather monthly
a sisterhood
of shared stories
read and lived

cascadiabound​



Butters is right about the last line, of course.

It's a common situation. You remove the placebo or similar lines, you look at what was left, and then what?

Cascadiabout, you had a nice phrase but not a full poem, you only have forced it into a poem but you can't force poetry.

One should recognize the problem. You should free yourself from the self-imposed prison of your text. For instance, you could go after a juxtaposition. Just let me give the gist of it (you could follow it with a better version, certainly):



through my window from a neighborhood roof
a sudden crying baby clear sound breaks the night's stillness
the crying gets louder and wild -- crazy

oh spring cats love ritual

book club ladies
gather monthly
a sisterhood
of shared stories
​



Another direction would be an expansion of the story. But as you see, it is not necessary. It's not about the length of the text. Even a single word can make a full poem (but without graphics tricks, I know only one such clean ascii 1-word poem).

Thus, no, it's not true cascadiabout that you already had "a really neat little poem", nothing like this yet.

Regards,
 
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Senna Jawa said:
Here is cascadiabound poem:


book club ladies
*snip*unknown if permission to reproduce the poet's entire piece was sought by senna, so i've cut it from this quote of his opinion... (butters)

cascadiabound​



Butters is right about the last line, of course.

It's a common situation. You remove the placebo or similar lines, you look at what was left, and then what?

Cascadiabout, you had a nice phrase but not a full poem, you only have forced it into a poem but you can't force poetry.

One should recognize the problem. You should free yourself from the self-imposed prison of your text. For instance, you could go after a juxtaposition. Just let me give the gist of it (you could follow it with a better version, certainly):



through my window from a neighborhood roof
a sudden crying baby clear sound breaks the night's stillness
the crying gets louder and wild -- crazy

oh spring cats love ritual

SNIP
​



Another direction would be an expansion of the story. But as you see, it is not necessary. It's not about the length of the text. Even a single word can make a full poem (but without graphics tricks, I know only one such clean ascii 1-word poem).

Thus, no, it's not true cascadiabout that you already had "a really neat little poem", nothing like this yet.

Regards,
Click to expand...

YOUR opinion is purely that.
 
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anyone not entirely self-obsessed can buy into a complete sense of cassie's poem; yes, it could be broadened, it could be played off another pov, and could be a good poem if written that way. however, as it stands, it's a tardis of a poem, and those who can imagine the world beyond the limits of their own skin can read the wealth it encompasses, both emotionally and metaphorically. it is concise, yet sturdy, made stronger by the compassion of the 'sisterhood'.
 
butters said:
cassie, much to like in your last short poem in 30/30. i'd suggest it even works without your last line, which feels implied by the previous lines. really neat little poem. :cool:
Click to expand...

Senna Jawa said:
[snip]Butters is right about the last line, of course.

It's a common situation. You remove the placebo or similar lines, you look at what was left, and then what?

Cascadiabout, you had a nice phrase but not a full poem, you only have forced it into a poem but you can't force poetry.

One should recognize the problem. You should free yourself from the self-imposed prison of your text. For instance, you could go after a juxtaposition.
[snip]

Another direction would be an expansion of the story. But as you see, it is not necessary. It's not about the length of the text. Even a single word can make a full poem (but without graphics tricks, I know only one such clean ascii 1-word poem).

Thus, no, it's not true cascadiabout that you already had "a really neat little poem", nothing like this yet.

Regards,
Click to expand...

butters said:
anyone not entirely self-obsessed can buy into a complete sense of cassie's poem; yes, it could be broadened, it could be played off another pov, and could be a good poem if written that way. however, as it stands, it's a tardis of a poem, and those who can imagine the world beyond the limits of their own skin can read the wealth it encompasses, both emotionally and metaphorically. it is concise, yet sturdy, made stronger by the compassion of the 'sisterhood'.
Click to expand...

Thank you both for your notes.
Really, I am just trying to write. I recognize that those few lines barely hit the mark of poetry, but I have been trying to (until this week when life kinda overtook me) post a poem every day on the 30:30 thread.

Senna Jawa, while your notes are interesting, and your suggested additional lines (to provide an example of something I could do), doesn't at all feel like a way I would want to go with this. Your voice is rather loud lately regarding my efforts. In fact the drama back and forth is a bit exhausting to me and depressing my ability to write. No doubt you have oodles of experience that I do not have, however, I accept your input on an equal footing with other posters here who also have valuable life and literary experience. You might do well to recognize your input is *not* of a higher value than others. As posters we are a shared community, all of us simply here to write and share and improve by reading and writing. The difference between facts and opinion sometimes becomes blurred, especially in this overheated time of *fake news*

I need Lit and this forum to be a place where I can function with limited drama. This may be too high a bar.
*returns to my scribbles*

cb
 
cascadiabound said:
Thank you both for your notes.
Really, I am just trying to write. I recognize that those few lines barely hit the mark of poetry, but I have been trying to (until this week when life kinda overtook me) post a poem every day on the 30:30 thread.

Senna Jawa, while your notes are interesting, and your suggested additional lines (to provide an example of something I could do), doesn't at all feel like a way I would want to go with this. Your voice is rather loud lately regarding my efforts. In fact the drama back and forth is a bit exhausting to me and depressing my ability to write. No doubt you have oodles of experience that I do not have, however, I accept your input on an equal footing with other posters here who also have valuable life and literary experience. You might do well to recognize your input is *not* of a higher value than others. As posters we are a shared community, all of us simply here to write and share and improve by reading and writing. The difference between facts and opinion sometimes becomes blurred, especially in this overheated time of *fake news*

I need Lit and this forum to be a place where I can function with limited drama. This may be too high a bar.
*returns to my scribbles*

cb
Click to expand...

It's not too high a bar. It's a perfectly reasonable expectation. As a moderator there is not a whole lot I can do about people getting crazy here. And while I rarely comment on such stuff (cause I don't want to add to drama), believe me I do what I can. I just want people here to write and participate as they feel comfortable to do so. If someone is acting out here, use the ignore feature. It really makes for a better experience. And of course when someone, uninvited, picks apart others' writing and/or makes obnoxious, arrogant statements about their abilities, it only reflects badly on that person, not the people being harangued!

Please keep scribbling. You and Mrtenant have contributed so much that is positive here already. :rose:
 
We just had a calli sighting some one grab her and chain her to the 30/30 thread
 
Angeline said:
It's not too high a bar. It's a perfectly reasonable expectation. As a moderator there is not a whole lot I can do about people getting crazy here. And while I rarely comment on such stuff (cause I don't want to add to drama), believe me I do what I can. I just want people here to write and participate as they feel comfortable to do so. If someone is acting out here, use the ignore feature. It really makes for a better experience. And of course when someone, uninvited, picks apart others' writing and/or makes obnoxious, arrogant statements about their abilities, it only reflects badly on that person, not the people being harangued!

Please keep scribbling. You and Mrtenant have contributed so much that is positive here already. :rose:
Click to expand...

Thank you Angeline. :rose:
I do very much appreciate the efforts of the mods.
And... it is hard to chase me away from a place I want to be.
.....I'm still scribbling. And so is MrT. :heart:
 
cascadiabound said:
Thank you Angeline. :rose:
I do very much appreciate the efforts of the mods.
And... it is hard to chase me away from a place I want to be.
.....I'm still scribbling. And so is MrT. :heart:
Click to expand...

I now how a mental image of Mr. T scribbling on a certain part of your anatomy, I do beg your pardon :eek:
 
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