The Haven ~ For survivors of child abuse.

[VFaulkon]

However you feel is absolutely okay, as long as it's how you truly feel and not how you think you're "supposed to" feel. You don't "have to" be angry; you don't "have to" forgive them; you don't "have to" do or be anything except true to yourself. And even that's optional.

I had to get angry with my family so that I could get strong enough to work through what they'd done; for me, anger gives me an initial burst of strength to start dealing with something, then once I've found a deeper source of strength I let go of the anger. Like Mylacerated said, the anger is a catalyst, not something I hold onto. For so many years I locked my anger away in a little box because I didn't think I had the right to be angry, so now I've given myself permission to feel that anger as long as I don't direct it toward anyone else, just toward events, and as long as I release it when it isn't useful anymore.

VFaulkon, if you're at peace and feel that there's no need to be angry at your family, that's wonderful. It's only a potential problem if you've chosen not to be angry because you "shouldn't" be angry at family or because "others have had it worse". Your experiences are your experiences, they made you feel the way you felt about them, and they shouldn't be compared with anyone else's experiences, because you aren't anyone else. The others who've posted on this thread have been through far more sheer hell than I have, but that doesn't mean I was any less abused or that my feelings and issues because of it are any less valid. My experiences were different, not lesser. It's not a hierarchy.

You're not "messed up", you're just finding your way through. Like the rest of us. Welcome, and please, take only the parts of what I say that make sense to you and ignore the rest. You're the only one who truly knows you.

I really don't feel angry at them. I've just come to understand, much like Mylacerated has, that my family members just are how they are. They certainly haven't changed any in the past ten years (which I find weird, because I know I am changing, so why aren't they?), and I know that they love me and care about me. They just suck at it, and being angry at them for that feels like being angry at a dog for biting you, y'know?

But what you and MLH have said sounds right - I have to go with what feels right to me and hope for the best. I still feel disappointed that I can't have a 'normal', functional family like I want, but I think at this point it can't be helped.

Hi VFaulkon, thankyou for sharing.

I can't imagine what you must have gone through but the one piece of advice I feel able to offer is this.

Anger as a catalyst is incredibly powerful. Anger carried around and nursed like a grudge is corrosive.

You have every right to be angry but to hold on to that in the long term is not a good thing. Anger is like fire, it must be handled with care and only used when strictly necessary and in a proportionate amount. I do believe that as women, anger is potentially more damaging sometimes, simply because we're less used to welcoming it and channelling it effectively.

I've done anger. I've also done slow burning rage and I clung to it for a number of years. I tried to articulate to my family what I had gone through and they didn't want to know. I railed against that, yelled, stomped and hated them for it. They have never changed one iota and they never will. I accept that now and I accept that being angry is pointless. It also maintains a negative emotional connection between me and my family, which just holds me back as I try to rebuild myself into something other than what they made me. Hatred still saps power from me just as futile, exasperated and unrequited love once did.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Now I have a 15ft high wall of reinforced concrete topped with razorwire, sentries, alarms and trigger happy snipers erected between me and my family. I do not care what they think of me, how they want me to live my life or whether they're disappointed with what I do. I have as little to do with them as possible because their attempts to make me feel like the lost little girl I was are damaging to me and indicative of their insecurity in the face of my own, brand new self assurance. I don't discuss my plans and give them the opportunity to be critical. I don't offer love or affection only to hand them an opportunity to snub me. I don't hand them power of any description over any aspect of who I am. I am not their business anymore and when you are able to move out of home and make your own way, your family will only have the influence over you that you give them.

Someone once said, 'nobody can make you feel like crap without your permission.'

You have to learn to stop giving that permission, to stop giving their opinions credence and allowing them to make you doubt. Everyone makes mistakes in life and falls flat on their ass every now and again but that does not make your choices wrong; it makes them yours. You have as much right to fuck your own life up spectacularly as you do to make it a wonderful success but their opinion and approval or lack of it must not be your benchmark.

It's hard and it goes against all our biological pre-programming and natural instincts but the only way to gain and retain power over your family and their abusiveness towards you is to genuinely cease caring. Anything less than that will just continue to demoralise you and hold you back.

One minor note that I probably wasn't clear on - I'm a guy. Not much difference given the topic, but just for the sake of clarification.

Like I said to Karenna, I don't really feel any natural anger towards them, just disappointment. I don't understand why they are how they are, why they couldn't see the effect they were having on me...there really isn't anything I can do about it but learn to accept it, which is where I'm at now, I think.

One thing that does feel weird - I know that, compared to the stories I've heard both here and from my friends IRL, my problems are more...subtle, I guess, but when I look back at my childhood - how painfully shy I was, how readily I resorted to self-deprecating humor and being the class clown just to get by, how much trouble I had connecting (and still have) with people my own age, and how hard it is for me to accept that my friends may not actually secretly have a million and one criticisms for me - was my family's treatment of me a major factor in that? If so, how much?

I'm still young (almost 22), so I guess I have some time to figure all this out. Hopefully, I can come to terms with everything rattling around in my head before I have a family that's depending on me to be a good father.

I just want to say thank you, all of you. Not being alone in this, I think, is key to finding our own ways out of the woods.

 

[KarennaC]

VFaulkon, I'd say your family's treatment of you is THE factor in why you were self-deprecating and thought people had "a million and one" criticisms for you. You said they told you that even if people didn't say bad things about you, they were thinking them. That definitely contributed.

Wanting to break the pattern, wanting to do things differently for your own children than what you experienced, is the first step toward ensuring that you can and will change things.

 

[christabelll]

Being a guy does not exclude you from being abused. I salut that you recognise that mental and emotional abuse is exactly that. It is more subtle.
Unsubtle is being knocked across the room. Subtle is being told in 20 thousand different ways that you're worthless...

Its amazing really - even passive abuse is abuse. Thats what took me so long with my ex husband to figure out. I thought abuse meant there had to be blood or bruises. Being verbally slaughtered is as insidious and devastating. Ridicule, being backed into corners (lit. & fig.), character assassination, jibes against other family members, being spun up until you have to respond then dragged over coals for doing so (or not...you just don't care do you....)

By the time I figured out what he was doing it was far too late. My children and I will never be the same. Passive abuse I think hurts almost worse than being knocked down stairs or across rooms. You get all the adrenalin affects - but none of the physical markers.

So - Yes Dear "Guy" we understand. Its not as common (I should say its not as reported as abuse towards females)- but still as hurtful and harmful to the person targeted.

One of the things that always amazed me - and still does - is how damned abusive children are to other children. Talk about seeing mirrored behavior in all of its heinous glory! Sure part of its a natural occurance - but for the most part the child mirrors exactly what is being done at home. That said I was one of the most passive people in the world. So passive I was an easy target for the bullies. It wasn't until hormones struck - lol - that I began fighting back. Nothing like earning a bit of respect through your fist! I hated it but at the same time it lent me a strength that I never knew I possessed until I stood up to the bullies and said Bring it! Believe it or not - it stopped the bullies from beating me up right quick - I am no sponsor for agression - despise the use of physical force, but that one summer day - I turned the tables and put paid to all the assaults and attacks I had suffered over the year. Not one of them - not one! stood their ground. That was one of the key turning points in my life. About a year later was when Merv G. did his thing - and the rest - as we say is history

Welcome to our club of self admitted fucked up humans. I am proud of my club. We are strong, fragile, gentle, folk who have surpassed the expectations of everyone. Most of all ourselves. We were damaged once. But we are healing. We are finding our way through the minefields left for us as children.

"And if I built this fortress, around your heart. Encircled it with trenches and barbed wire. Well, let me build a bridge, for I cannot cross the chasm. Let me set the battlements on fire..." (rough quote from Sting - Dream of Blue Turtles)

 

[VFaulkon]

Thank you both very much for your answers. Like I said, I think I'm still coming to terms with, and trying to understand, what I went through. And it seems that every time I talk about it, more and more things keep popping up in my head - things my family did to me and how it's affecting me now. I just hope I don't end up improperly self-diagonising myself.

I wish I could offer more to the other sufferers on this thread, but I'm still sorting myself out, so I don't know what else I can do. I just ask that you all hang tough and keep going forward. I've heard it from everywhere - from therapists to pamphlets - that growing up and living with abuse shows how strong and courageous we are, so there's bound to be some hidden kickassery within us, aye?

 

[soverysexxx]

i was sexually and mentally and physically abused. its nice that your trying to cause awarness

 

[christabelll]

Christabelll, my throat chakram has been cleared, unblocked, reshaped, and I don't remember what all else. Periodically I sit down and write letters to people who've pissed me off or hurt me, just to help keep that cakram somewhat functional. (That's why I wrote the post about being irritated with people on the other thread, to express that instead of keeping it in.)

When I first started trying to talk about sex with my friend Chris, the one who "counseled" me (and also taught me energy healing and did many healing sessions with me), I couldn't use the words, so I kind of talked around the subject and hinted at things. He knew what I meant, but trying to avoid speaking about it actually made my throat cakram into a square. Cakra (chakras, western spelling) are supposed to be round... Unfortunately I know that feeling .... However - not just chakra's need to be cleared God I sound so fluent sometimes and others like an idiot. Because the damage is on so many levels many levels and types of healing need to be used on/with/for abuse survivors. Emotional, Spirutual, Physical, Psychically, Mentally, Energetically - and more besides. It seems to me that tapping might help you enormously on the physical emotional triggers stored in the body itself. Its called EFT - if you are interested.

I get what you mean about it not being a game. To me, and only for me since I don't speak for others and try not to judge, I still think the idea of leaving a toy lying around for my boyfriend to "accidentally" find would be dishonest, because it wouldn't be accidental if I left it lying around for that intent. I do agree that asking or showing what I want isn't a game, it's the people who say "make a game out of it" that frustrate me. Hyperhonesty is the most normal of reactions. Perhaps - instead of accidently - simply lay them out and work it through I know easy to say

I like having my hair pulled that way too. My boyfriend is very good at it, and did it without my saying a word One of the things I wanted to ask him about was using toys together, and I did eventually manage to do that, but it took a lot of tears and frustration on my part and a lot of patience on his. Since he responded favorably to that and I was on a high from being able to mention it, I also told him at that point that I'd like to try having my hands tied and/or being blindfolded. I have a complete terror of not being able to see, but I wanted to try not being able to see with him because I knew I'd be safe. That night, he took my shirt off me and used it as a blindfold; it was pretty hot! Thats wonderful!!!! Oh the joys of a willing trusted partner!

Yesterday I busted down a couple of mental walls for myself, though. I'd gone to visit a friend of mine, and knew that there was an "adult" store near his place that a few people had recommended to me, so I decided to seek it out. I didn't find it, but when my friend called to see if I'd found my way out of his town (beach town, all one way streets, trying to confuse tourists, lol), he gave me directions to another store. Meanwhile, my boyfriend called to wish me a happy Valentine's Day and I told him what I was doing. He was pretty happy about the idea, though it took me about 15 minutes to get my face back to its normal color because I was blushing so much. But I told him I was looking for an adult store to get us a couple toys to use together, and being able to say that to him was huge. So was being able to go into the store once I found it, without having an anxiety attack, though it was a near miss, and actually make a couple of purchases. It was only the second time I'd been to an adult store, and the other time I had moral support because a guy I was dating at the time went with me (and pretty much dragged me inside). CONGRATULATIONS! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!

The sexual abuse I experienced was only a small fraction of what I went through overall, and wasn't done by family members, but my sexuality and my ability to express myself sexually and accept that it's okay for me to do so seem to have been far more affected than almost anything else, except maybe my self-esteem. And it's been much easier for me to rebuild my self-esteem than it has for me to be able to deal with sexual stuff in a positive way.

My posts here keep getting longer and longer... I've written more here today than I have on my stories. lol

Have no doubt it took me forever to be able to speak to a partner at ALL. THe intensive foray I underwent, on my terms, was incredibly catalytic. I found my voice. I found the core of my desires and was able to discard the desires trained into me. I Still BLUSH - so much so a lovingly bestowed nickname reflected it....

You go Girl. Hooray! Be pleased and proud and secure in yourself. (*(*(*(*(*(KARENNA*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)

 

[christabelll]

i was sexually and mentally and physically abused. its nice that your trying to cause awarness

More than awareness... a stomping ground as it were. A message of hope and possibilities. Of cheerleading not just our selves but others for surviving the rape of our very souls which ever form it took.

A Haven - Of sharing our pasts so that we might find our future. Of not becoming a statistic - of marching or crawling past the battlefields within our selves. A place where these broken wings heal just a little bit more, are held just a little bit higher, gleam just a tiny bit whiter, lift us just a little it higher.

Here, we are not so alone.

 

[christabelll]

Fortress Around Your Heart lyrics

Under the ruins of a walled city
Crumbling towers and beams of yellow light
No flags of truce, no cries of pity
The siege guns had been pounding all through the night
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the field's I'd known
I recognized the walls that I once made
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

Then I went off to fight some battle
That I'd invented inside my head
Away so long for years and years
You probably thought or even wished that I was dead
While the armies are all sleeping
Beneath the tattered flag we'd made
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

This prison has now become your home
A sentence you seem prepared to pay
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the lands I'd known
I recognized the fields where I'd once played
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

 

[KarennaC]

Lot of posts to catch up on...

(((Christbelll))), thanks for the suggestion. Someone tried EFT with me once and I got nothing out of it; the tapping felt too bizarre and I just felt weird doing it. The forms of energy healing I use and have had used with me are very effective, it's just I haven't had anyone who can do a session with me since my "counselor" friend bailed on me and it doesn't work as well when I do it on myself. It's techniques that involve clearing, unblocking ,and repairing the cakra, as well as rebalancing the energy field and removing energetic blocks and impurities in all parts of the energy field. (Hard to put a name to it; it's equal parts Chios, a modality called Arcovaana which my "counselor" friend developed and taught in parts to me as he was developing it, and some techniques I've picked up through other means.) Thanks also for the cheers and congratulations. My boyfriend is the first man I've been able to let myself trust fully and unreservedly, and I'm still getting used to it. But he's earned it, over and over.

VFaulkon, don't try to "diagnose" yourself; just allow yourself to feel what you feel and give yourself permission to do what you need to do to work through things. I gave myself permission to stop speaking to my parents for a couple months when I first started dealing with all this, and it made a big difference; when I started speaking to them again, I wasnt' as angry with them, and somewhere along the line they'd become more supportive and actually acknowledged and apologized for some of the things they'd said and done when I was growing up. (((VFaulkon))) you're offering a lot to the rest of us just by being here and sharing your experiences and insights. That's all the rest of us are doing, too.

soverysexxx, thank you for sharing that, and welcome to the Haven. Feel free to share more, or just lurk and read, but know that we're all here for each other.

 

[christabelll]

Ah, the key to EFT is finding the right words. If you don't find the right words - its next to worthless. I remember tapping on body dysphoria - days of working on it and feeling nothing but annoyed and drained. I was laying on my couch having just awakened from a nap - and for some reason I went through a list in my head - no it wasn't my breasts, legs, arms, face, head, hair, back - Oh HO! it was my belly. Strictly my belly - I tapped and tapped and tapped with the knoweldge that it was my belly I was so upset with .....a week or so later I went to a day spa on a free pass and was getting into a swim suit - my friend suddenly was pestering me to look in the mirror. Look Gosh Darnit.
My belly - had reduced in size by over half. HALF! No Kidding - I looked like I had dropped fifty pounds just in belly fat. It wasn't fat at all - it was emotional, physical garbage still attached to me. I literally went from wearing an 18 to a 12 in two weeks as all that crap (pardon the pun) was drained away.
I have worked with my eldest sister on it - and she became so fearful of losing this one compulsion that she stopped just after we found the right key words - The right keywords are like putting the key into the lock and opening the door - phew ----- I got her down to a 2 on the worst one - but from there she balked - she did not want to stop this one compulsive behavior - it was what she identified with - she no longer has such a pressing need for it - so it did help - but still does this one self harming thing when she is stressed to the max...... One of these days I will get her to tap it the rest of the way down
Just saying - in the hands of the right practioner - its an amazing healing tool.


Hugs to all... Have a marvelous day!

 

[KarennaC]

I'm sure EFT does work extremely well for some people; it certainly sounds like it did for you Me, I get hung up on the tapping thing. Why tap on myself? Just sounds and feels weird to me. So I work with my other modalities. The great thing about healing is there are as many ways to do it as there are people who need it I'm glad you've found something that helps you so much!

 

[christabelll]

I'm sure EFT does work extremely well for some people; it certainly sounds like it did for you Me, I get hung up on the tapping thing. Why tap on myself? Just sounds and feels weird to me. So I work with my other modalities. The great thing about healing is there are as many ways to do it as there are people who need it I'm glad you've found something that helps you so much!

I know - and I am glad for you too ---

it did feel weird - until I started seeing results now I have been known to tap silently when I am upset....

Anyway -- More power to ya!

 

[deeteeZA]

Me Too...

Two Points...

Firstly, I was physically abused as a child, and after MANY years of agonizing over what I had done wrong (I'm now forty odd), I eventually worked out that I was not the bad guy, but rather that I was the wounded or offended party.

I really beat myself up over this point, and spent many years trying to gain an acceptance from my parents that was never there from the beginning. Sad but true.

I have come to terms with this fact, and now have made a conscious decision to move on, and bugger those who don't like me as and for who I am.

I can and will not try to change into the person I perceive you want me to be, I am who I am, I am ME.

The wounds have healed, and the scars are ever there. However, they serve now rather to remind me that I am my own person, and I am nobody's puppet, or plaything - cast aside when bored with me.

I have had to do (most) of this healing by myself, but I have had the great fortune of having a wife who has stood by me, and (very) patiently drawn me out of the little world where I shut myself into.

It still is and ever will be there, it is a part of me, a part of who I am. It does not however control who I am any longer, but rather identifies me even if only to myself.

Secondly, what is "EFT" ????

All the best to each one of you,

Dan

 

[KarennaC]

I know - and I am glad for you too ---

it did feel weird - until I started seeing results now I have been known to tap silently when I am upset....

Anyway -- More power to ya!

Thank you, and to you as well

deeteeZA, welcome, and thank you for sharing. It sounds like you've come far since your childhood!

I'll let Christabelll explain EFT; it's a form of energy healing/alternative healing, but at the moment I'm blanking on what it stands for.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

So much love and support here, it's really humbling guys. It's a bit of a trite word I suppose but humbled is how I feel. VFaulkon, I'm sorry for assuming you were female. It was incredibly short sighted of me and I'm glad you've found the thread useful. Welcome deeteeZA and soverysexxx

 

[unregistered]

 

[KarennaC]

(((Jtohis))) Hope your headache goes away!

 

[christabelll]

Welcome all

EFT

Emotional Freedom Technique

Utilizing the energy meridians within the hands, head and chest, determining key words for targeting issues, positive affirmation, and a light gentle tapping to activate blood flow and energy release. one can shed the root triggers for learn emotional behaviors/responses as well as habits. It has also been shown to help with compulsive disorders, physical disorders. allergies, phobias and more.

Knowing which points to tap and in what order -very similar if not identical in some cases to accupuncture/pressure points for kidney liver adrenal stomach and heart meridians... all organs that respond instantly to fear, anger, despair, guilt, shame etc...
precisily naming issues and how they make you feel
acknowledging that emotion and accepting that emotion along with positive self image reinforcement
Using scale (0 - 10) Ten worst 0 best tapping until the "reaction" is at zero

It truly has amazed me personally. It has amazed others as well... its also where I got the idea to "document" my internal committe as it were
I am even certified to practice this healing modality as well as Reiki. A kitchen witch you might say LOL....

My Healer - she always says I beat myself with my fingers. I try not to - very light touching is all thats required. It raises awareness of the response in yourself....Several healing modalities require touch - this is one of them

Hope this helps - and yes there is a ton of information out there on it.

As my friend taught me to say --
Peace be with you.

 

[birdie87]

Oh my fucking God!!!!!

the main reaosn i decided to register on this site was because it seemed really interested whislt browsing but i saw this thread and had a massive urge to mention emotional freedom technique!!!

and now i've signed up just like 10 minutes before i post it somebody else has.

I'm a bugger for not finishing threads before posting and relaising people have already been posting a lot about it.

I'm new to using it myself but I've heard from other people how absolutely amazing it is and it's pretty amazing to me so far. Seriously learn this theres free resources on the net to learn it from.

I've used it for confidence, E.D. and when i used to coach guys at bars to meet woman i used to do it with them to help them get over their fears of approaching woman.

I know quick fixes and one size fits all things are generally bullshit but this seems to be more and more too good to be true. Would definately be worth giving it a go guys and post back your thoughts .

Another thing it's great for is helping me to understand the underlying things behind certain issues. i realised i'd linked a lot of guilt to certain things in my life which made me feel a tonne of anxiety all the time understand that i'd been carrying around and i often find it hard to focus becuase of it.


I just wanted to say as well that i really respect some of your posts, although i couldn't imagine what you've been through you all seem pretty strong to me to be able to come out of the other end and look at it with the sense almost of balance that you all seem to have.

A question: did any of you guys have memories of this that were repressed that only came back perhaps later on in life?

 

[KarennaC]

I had repressed a few of the memories of the molestations I experienced, and some of the more vitriolic emotional abuse from my mother and grandmother. Those came back to me through the energy healing sessions I had and through yoga practice. They weren't completely gone, just locked in a little box at the back of my mind so I could cope with more immediate things. Once I was in a safe place with the friend I've mentioned a few times, and through the energy healing techniques and certain releases from yoga, the box opened.

I thought EFT stood for Emotional Freedom something, just wasn't sure. I'm glad to hear it works for some people. I'm certified to both practice and teach Chios, but as I said, what I actually practice is a combination of Chios and other techniques I've learned. (Chios is similar in many ways to Reiki.)

 

[christabelll]

Oh my fucking God!!!!!

the main reaosn i decided to register on this site was because it seemed really interested whislt browsing but i saw this thread and had a massive urge to mention emotional freedom technique!!!

and now i've signed up just like 10 minutes before i post it somebody else has.

I'm a bugger for not finishing threads before posting and relaising people have already been posting a lot about it.

I'm new to using it myself but I've heard from other people how absolutely amazing it is and it's pretty amazing to me so far. Seriously learn this theres free resources on the net to learn it from.

I've used it for confidence, E.D. and when i used to coach guys at bars to meet woman i used to do it with them to help them get over their fears of approaching woman.

I know quick fixes and one size fits all things are generally bullshit but this seems to be more and more too good to be true. Would definately be worth giving it a go guys and post back your thoughts .

Another thing it's great for is helping me to understand the underlying things behind certain issues. i realised i'd linked a lot of guilt to certain things in my life which made me feel a tonne of anxiety all the time understand that i'd been carrying around and i often find it hard to focus becuase of it.

I just wanted to say as well that i really respect some of your posts, although i couldn't imagine what you've been through you all seem pretty strong to me to be able to come out of the other end and look at it with the sense almost of balance that you all seem to have.

A question: did any of you guys have memories of this that were repressed that only came back perhaps later on in life?

Yes repressed memories of the more particularly heinous acts was an issue....
Sometimes simply NOT remembering - was cause for trouble too.

EFT - mainly I think it works wonders for those who identify best with being verbal - it is a VERBAL healing art that uses meridians to reinforce the energy clearing. At least thats how I see it...

We all find the best way - most times anyway - to engender our own healing. Counseling did diddly for me - I couldn't stand that the counselor wouldn't talk! Accupuncture helped when I went but I couldn't afford it and I didn't like that my accupuncturist was also trying to be a shrink - Herbal remedys - mainly for stress and tension - they worked when I used them - but didn't ameleorate the actual causes --- I used a lot of different approaches - but when EFT came along - I got it (click) - skeptical of course - right thats gonna work on me! ?- My healer was amazing - Jesus ----

Maybe I should post the poetical outpourings that came when a horrendous memory came to the surface - complete with physical symptoms - from the first time the stepdemon used terror to establish control. I had worked on it before (it has surfaced at least twice before but I stuffed it back down).... Lets just say - its one of main reasons I hate guns. Know how to use em, clean, load, shoot em, but despise them. Anyway

its a trilogy of word collections - not edited - simply written as they came - This was after a really intense EFT session.....

Hmmmmmmmm What the hell - in for a penny in for a pound (it is a writers board too )
No comments neccessary --- except this one - Nobody was written the day before these were.



Trembling, terror crowds. Eyes open and blind to all except the video that rears up onto that interior screen.
Rewinding, backing up to start over gain.
Fever and fear spike. Cannot Breath! Choking. Feeling the barrel of the shotgun shoved into her little mouth dry as the nevada desert at noon.
Why should I let you live?
You aren't worth the effort.
Maybe it would just be better if I put you out of your misery now?

cli-CLICK!!

The Trigger is pulled. Hammers ram home. It hits like thunder right overhead.
The boneless slide to the floor, chin busting open, limbs sprawled in high fevered shakes.
Shock.
The trembles turn to earthquakes and speech nothing but incoherent babbles as that small child is dragged up from the floor. She is shaken ruthlessly, then flung onto the bed where he stabs fingers and flesh deep into her tiny body adding to the final destruction of her every innocent belief of safety and love.
There is no such thing as disbelief now.
He has made certain that.
There is only terror.
There is only pain.
There is only certainty that if she ever speaks of his acts he will put the bullets in the gun the next time



11 years have passed. She stood over the monsters bed, panting. A snub-nosed 357 in her hand. Terrified she aims hands unable to support the diminutive weight of death.
Her Pa.
Stepfather but the only father she has ever known.
He is sleeping hard, the 5 valium she slipped into his bitter coffee working better than she thought they would. Oh how she has planned this. Ever since Merv Griffin told the truth of her life on national TV. She had lain in the floor, sweating, hands over her head, listening to the truth of her life from strangers Just Like HER.

Inside voices rage and taunt. Kill Him KILL HIM KILL HIM
Others - NO no NO noNO he is not worth the rest of your life!
HE DESERVES IT
EVERYBODY DIES LET HIM DIE SOONER
NO NO NO NO NO NO
Another pure voice rings its clarion call. If you kill him He WINS. He’s tried everything to destroy you. YOU ARE STILL ALIVE and you will survive. Put the Gun away. Wipe it off. Slip back to your own room. Don't breathe. Don't make a sound. It’s okay to drown for a little while longer.


13 years have come and gone. The demon still lurks, silent bombs within her. How can anyone in their right mind love her? Use her yes. Love her? Never.
Self Discovery in bondage. Self Reprisal in masochism. Self Defining explorations into the darkest aspects of sex and sensuality. At least this time it’s voluntary.
Well one thing is certain. She does NOT like that! Little nips. Little bites and scratches. The pinning of hands on occasion. Yeah that works. The rest. No. Not just no, but Hell No.
Too much light remains within her.
Funny how the brain works. It finds a way. One way or another. It finds a way to cope with horrors. 22 voices slowly begin to meld into one.
Slowly the internal committee that kept her functioning is coming into harmony, solidifying. All except one.
One stands to the side and trembles and shakes unable to believe in anything anymore.


The little one still trembles.
The tiny girl, with the high fever and terror like ice in her veins.
The committee is one voice now.
All except her.
Last night she relived it all again.
Right down to fainting on the floor.
Gentle soothing hands helped her back up.
What? Wait.
Gentle?
Soothing?
Sobs tore through her, the woman locked in her childhood terror.
Half a box of tissues later, soggy, swollen, but somehow, strangely lighter she looked her friend in the eye.
He was a sick twisted bastard.
I was a little girl who only wanted to be loved.
Come here baby. Come here. I love you.
I will never not love you.
She rocks herself on the lime green sofa, hot pink flowers with turquoise stems covering her fire scarred legs.
The little girl turned huge eyes on the Woman. Her eyes as large and tear-filled.
Come here baby girl. You are safe now. You are safe.
The incandescent pain in her head eased.
Little one snuggled close.
Huge breath.
Deeper.
Heart pounds and races.
Shhhh.
Shhhh.
We are together now.
Shhhh.

This morning broke clear and warm.
Winter is finally over.

 

[christabelll]

Just a positive affirmation Song I love

"The First Of Me"

I must make a choice
A tough decision
Listen to my voice
Should I give in
To temptation, admiration
One leads to myself
The other some one else
Just an empty shell
Just an empty shell

It's harder than it seems
When you're told that
All your hopes and dreams
Are yours to hold if
You just give them
What's expected
Something they can sell
Put upon a shelf
That I am not for sale
I am not for sale

[Chorus:]
I here a voice inside
It's crowning to a scream
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me
'cause I can't live the lie
I am just what you see
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me

If I can't refuse
The price they offer
I am sure to lose
And I will suffer
Sell my soul to make a profit
All I have to do
Is make believe it's true
That something I can't do
That something I can't do

[Chorus]

So when the waiting's gone
This time to face the truth
You know your good enough
Deep down inside of you

You're finally woken up
If only just to prove
You are born to lead the way
To be the first of you

Hoobastank



Every Once in a while a song comes along that rocks your world.... this is one such song....

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Welcome all

EFT

Emotional Freedom Technique

Utilizing the energy meridians within the hands, head and chest, determining key words for targeting issues, positive affirmation, and a light gentle tapping to activate blood flow and energy release. one can shed the root triggers for learn emotional behaviors/responses as well as habits. It has also been shown to help with compulsive disorders, physical disorders. allergies, phobias and more.

Knowing which points to tap and in what order -very similar if not identical in some cases to accupuncture/pressure points for kidney liver adrenal stomach and heart meridians... all organs that respond instantly to fear, anger, despair, guilt, shame etc...
precisily naming issues and how they make you feel
acknowledging that emotion and accepting that emotion along with positive self image reinforcement
Using scale (0 - 10) Ten worst 0 best tapping until the "reaction" is at zero

It truly has amazed me personally. It has amazed others as well... its also where I got the idea to "document" my internal committe as it were
I am even certified to practice this healing modality as well as Reiki. A kitchen witch you might say LOL....

My Healer - she always says I beat myself with my fingers. I try not to - very light touching is all thats required. It raises awareness of the response in yourself....Several healing modalities require touch - this is one of them

Hope this helps - and yes there is a ton of information out there on it.

As my friend taught me to say --
Peace be with you.

Hmmm... I'm going to reserve judgement on this for now but I'll definitely be investigating this. It's a very interesting concept.

 

[deeteeZA]

A question: did any of you guys have memories of this that were repressed that only came back perhaps later on in life?

There is definitely an "incident" in a very fuzzy memory which I perceive to be what "triggered" the whole abuse thing, however it is like grabbing mist...

It remains elusive, ever in the dark shadows, never quite visible.

As for memories of things done, things like beatings with a car's fanbelt, or even a sjambuk (a kind of a bullwhip or stockwhip [about 3'6" long] ), and other such events, lying on the floor holding hands over head and face while "mother" kicks the piss out of you while screeching over and over "I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU" did come back only recently.

Being beaten around the head by "father", and every time you lift your hands to cover your head, being kicked in the ribs...

Being beaten with a 2" x 2" length of wood on the back & backside & legs so you piss blood for a week, and can't ride your bicycle to & from school,

These memories were suppressed, and have only come back over the last two or three years... (twenty five or so years later)

I thank God that when the little brother was born I was shipped off to boarding school on (almost) the opposite side of the country. (It was the 70's, we had fuel restrictions as did most of the world) I only came home for school holidays when the hostel closed, and this lasted until it became too expensive to keep up, so I came home again and the physical and verbal abuse, the breaking down "You'll never amount to anything", "You can't do anything right / properly", "I regret the day I ever had you" etc. etc. etc. etc.
ad nauseum, on and on, over and over...

I must admit that I had some serious rage within me, at times I desperately needed to reach out and break something / someone.

I thank God that I dealt with my children (son now 15, daughter 10) as I reckoned I wanted to be dealt with. Never NEVER turned to "the way I knew" children were treated.

Well, short answer... Yes there are repressed memories, memories that sneak up on you when you think it's all done & dealt with...

Cheers,

Dan

 

[birdie87]

only reason i ask is i have often wondered if something, not as horrific as the stuff that has happened to a lot of the guys on here, but something happened to me as a child. i do meditation, a lot of times when it has come to clearing mind, releasing emotions and memories from the past time i often find that theres a certain train of thought linked back to childhood and whenever i go down certain memory paths i nearly get an anxiety attack. it's something i guess i won't let myself explore. i have often wondered about if i was abused or not as certain things have led me in that direction. but then again i guess i'm sure i'd know some way or another.

deetee, much respect for being able to rise above it and to treat your kids the way you would have wanted to be treated .