The new #1

[Unmasked Poet]

The Hat Trick

Wicked climbs into what has become a familiar spot, the #1 position and object of my attention. In fact she has pulled a Shaya the top three spots, actually I should go back to Tigerjen! For when I arrived here she held the top spots. Perhaps for future reference we will call this feat a Triple Crown. Or Hat tTrick. Ok here’s the poem:

Come to Bed
by WickedEve ©

"Hey, you wanna come to bed?"
I know what he means when this is said.

Pull off my shirt and shorts, toss 'em aside.
Unhook my bra, off my shoulders straps slide.
Slip down my panties and slowly step out.
Really not in the mood, I begin to pout.

Climb in beside him, naked and trying to be mellow.
Yank the covers close and grab a purple-striped pillow.

Roll onto my side, facing away,
staring at the white wall, thinking of the other day.
Outside, phone to my ear and my mouth flirting.
Everything he said made me forget the hurting.

Arms around me, hands all over my skin.
Right now I can't think about what I did then.

He pinches my nipples, and squeezes my flesh,
tells me how soft I am, and how I smell so fresh.
Flat on my back, but in some other place.
Spread my legs, look up into another man's face.

He takes my body, impales what he can find,
but he can't enter this fantasy or penetrate my mind.

Sure I could jump on the bandwagon, “And who doesn’t love a good ride?”
But alas I cannot.. The topic spoken of is indeed deep and worthy of consideration.
The structure works (notice the stanza construction.)
Perhaps if the two-stanza line didn’t rhyme I would have enjoyed the rhythm more. As it is, I stumble too much with strained rhyme. Watch the words.

"Hey, you wanna come to bed?"
I know what he means when this is said.

Pull off my shirt and shorts, toss 'em aside.
Unhook my bra, off my shoulders straps slide.
Slip down my panties and slowly step out.
Really not in the mood, I begin to pout.

Climb in beside him, naked and trying to be mellow.
Yank the covers close and grab a purple-striped pillow.

Try reading something like this to smooth things out:

"Hey, you wanna come to bed?"
I know what he means when this is said.

Pull off my shirt and shorts, toss 'em aside.
Unhook my bra, shoulder straps slide.
Slip down my panties slowly step out.
Really not in the mood, my lips form a pout.

The next stanza is harder, mellow is the wrong word and thus so is pillow. I understand WickedEve wants to impart a mood. Her character is containing resentment or disinterest and is trying to project an emotion/body language to hide the truth. While I do not like “mellow” what really kills this stanza in the bold section. These filler words stumble and grate. Poor “mellow” and “pillow” don’t stand a chance. WickedEve is trying to say fake, lie, false, pretend, or counterfeit, bluffing, affect, feign. Pick one I like feign and counterfeit. My point is to take out those 4 words and try to find one or two words that say the same thing and matter. This will give you more words to use, concentrate your imagery and thus the potency of what you’re saying. And mellow can rest becase it does not have to support four times it weight. The same goes for the next line of the stanza. There must be a few words with image we can find to replace “and grab a.”

Climb in beside him, naked and trying to bemellow.
Yank the covers close and grab a purple-striped pillow.

The poem performs more of this chicanery later on, though not as obvious as what I mentioned.
WickedEve if it matters at all, I do like this poem.
Yet it is like my favorite aunts pesto it’s good, but it’s missing something.
For "Come to Bed" that something is better word choice, and that absence detracts from the poignancy of the poem for me.
Earlier WickedEve so graciously offered her sofa to me (because the bed was crowded) but now that I’m here, I think I’ll stay.

Go to:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30802
Here you find almost everything you want from our Eve.
And for her latest:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30978

U.P.

 

[garyblue]

If there is a gripe (normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass about a poem, but this one drags you in), it is that the words don't flow. I keep wanting the words to `fall trippingly from the tongue.' The technical aspects of wordsmithing I shall leave to daughter, UmP, and other masters of the art. I have nothing.

This is a beautifully sad work.

What UmP said.

Please rework, hone and polish this one. This poem is worth the effort.

g

 

[tigerjen]

Triple Crown/Hat Trick theory by U.P.

Unmasked Poet wrote:
<<Wicked climbs into what has become a familiar spot, the #1 position and object of my attention. In fact she has pulled a Shaya the top three spots, actually I should go back to Tigerjen! For when I arrived here she held the top spots. Perhaps for future reference we will call this feat a Triple Crown. Or Hat tTrick. >>

Hey U.P.!
Darn right it goes back to me! I just checked out the toplist
and sure enough, W.E. is in the top 3! Awesome! I like your idea
for the "Triple Crown/Hat Trick"

TJ

 

[WickedEve]

U.P. Thank you for taking the time to comment on this poem. I want to try your suggestions and see if I can improve it.

garyblue, I'll be chanting "rework, hone, polish" as I type.

WE

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Khul's dark side

Khul is back on top with “After the dance” While I was writing this I went and put on the song of the same title. I don’t think they have anything to do with one another but it inspires me.

After The Dance
by Khul Waters ©
[a response to Shaya’s The Dance]

Green eyes soft, yearning
A blur of twirling desire
Dancing for your Master
Submissive’s core afire

Hands caress then tremble
Under my powerful stare
Body arched toward me
Eyes now veiled by hair

Long, blonde and swirling
Emblazoned by candlelight
Entrancing my surging will
Fixed hard on you tonight

Take you I will my lover
Use you fully until I cum
Flare your sweet arousal
Now your dance is done

The submission you offer
Breasts taut, open knees
It is just half of our love -
It is your need to please

I take you hard, roughly
On tiles so cold and bare
My gift a Master’s love -
My half of what we share

The rhyming used is tight, very concise. Khul keeps everything lined up. I read this aloud 5 times without tripping on a word or line. Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way!
I feel the word “cum’’ is out of character with the poem. Of course that’s just my preference. There are romantic clichés all over this, yet when I read them I smiled. They only irritate me slightly. Khul is a romantic poet in my opinion and who knew he had such a dark streak. You just never know your neighbors!
Overall it’s okay. Not my cup of tea at all, I much prefer “The Enigma of Time” That poem excited me, gave me something to think about, ponder. While this little ditty came and went.

For more Khul stuff visit, vote and get carried away on a dream of Sara:
Khul’s house of romance

U.P.

 

[Guest]

Storm is back on top, in fact he’s pulled the ménage a trios. Lately this has happened quite a bit. 3 times in the last 5 days. The good part is each time it has been 3 different poets. I have to admit these voters are streaky, boy when they like a poet they vote! Most often there is not enough momentum to keep the poem on the upper half of the list. But who cares at least we have variety. It is also good that each of these poets have had wildly different styles. I like change. And now on to:

Favor
by SA Storm ©

what will you have me do
if I’m already broken

do you prop me
to watch me
torn and juxtaposed
in a semblance of normal

then use me well
for little is left
your need bleeds me
and I offer up a vein
when you claim thirst

can you hear
my despair
your darkness
we are a matched pair
hollowed out beaten like a drum

for you a dark dance
again your caress
leaves me scarred
can we do it again

Work with me on this, imagine the theme from the twilight zone…
Submitted for your approval, another foray into the strange, the exotic…

Storm calls this erotic, I’m not sure it works that way for me. But then I’ve been told my world is awfully vanilla. In reading “Favor” I did not find an obvious cliché there are a few minor ones not worth mentioning. Ok, ok I can’t hold back, I’ll name just one. (Despair!)
The familiar perspective changes I pointed out of his previous #1 “Bolero” are gone. This soliloquy surges darkly, too dark to be erotic for me. I do like that the poem, uses everyday words. Gone is the tense phrasing of “Shattered Like a glass goblin.” Nor do we have the romantic visual urgings of “Bolero.” I appreciate the range of voice Mr. Storm has. I guess now I’d like to see something from him that rhymes.

I do think the very last line could stand on it’s own this would increase the dramatic effect in my opinion and provide a needed pause at the end. Last Stanza:

for you a dark dance
again your caress
leaves me scarred

can we do it again

I also think for this poem punctuation would help, I know heresy to suggest such a thing. (My God it’s poetry there are no rules!)
Read “Shattered like a Glass Goblin” and then this. And tell me were not looking into the twilight zone.
Thank you for joining me.

Rod Serling, oopps I mean U.P.

For more from Storm:

Storm’s Front

 

[Unmasked Poet]

!

 

[tigerjen]

In response to Unregistered........its cool that some
new poets have hit the top 3 spots on the list....and
even more importantly, Unregistered makes a good
point: the variety of poems that are posted......and
the poets' different styles color the fabric that are the
poems on Lit; not just black and white...but also the colors
of the rainbow......

 

[Savage Kitten]

In response to Unregistered....

Rod Serling, oopps I mean U.P.

haha Unmasked Poet, May I make a suggestion?? Change your name to Unregistered Poet... people may recognize you then hehehe

tigerjen, darling, I only have one word for you (in regards to your writing) ... amazing! simply amazing!

 

[SA Storm]

Thanks for the thumbs up

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Mmmm . The price of fame I suspect.
U.P.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

A normal order has returned to the #1 list. The malaise caused by Storm's stranglehold on the top spot is over. Now we have something to talk about.

Sex Junkie
by *Snatch ©

Some may think it's kind of funky,
if they were to learn...
that I'm a sex junkie.
with energy to burn.

It didn't happen right away,
it happened with experience and time.
No matter what I say...
it's always on my mind.

I wake up in the morning,
with one thought in my head..
right away my body's yearning,
someone in my bed.

Is there an SJA meeting,
to help someone like me?
Whose need is more then fleeting,
it's abnormal sexuality..

I crave it in the afternoon,
right along with lunch.
In fact it wouldn't be to soon,
to have a sexual brunch.

When dinnertime rolls around,
food's not what I want to eat.
In my bed I can be found,
munching something much more sweet!

It's tough to be a sex junkie,
looking for a fix.
On your back's a little monkey,
laughing at your tricks.

Others can't understand,
why I have this need..
It isn't something that I planned,
and it's not just sexual greed.

I'm a sex junkie...
looking for a fix.
Is it a bad habit..
or just my way for kicks?

Ahh, The burden of addiction,

Much of this rhyme is forced yet a few moments work. The last stanza is by far the best. I think she means to let us down gently, strange I still have the shakes. No matter a little more Snatch and I shall be as right as rain.

I thought this poem cute, but not quite smooth enough for my taste. Speaking of taste enjoy a bit of Snatch

Snatch has a large body of work and is quite prolific at stories also.

Most of it quite pleasing.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

by the way, garyblue...

What UmP said. Please rework, hone and polish this one. This poem is worth the effort.

I did edit Come to Bed and resubmitted it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30802

 

[garyblue]

I did edit Come to Bed and resubmitted it.

Ah, feels much better. One gripe, though. This is apparently not Chicago where you vote early, vote often and vote right. I couldn't up my grade on your po'try.

g

 

[WickedEve]

This is apparently not Chicago where you vote early, vote often and vote right. I couldn't up my grade on your po'try.

That's okay, garyblue. I just wanted you to see the newer version, since you took the time to comment on this poem.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Picture yourself on a boat on a...

I find this poem interesting, another Dali verbal landscape for us to wander through. Follow me into the purple throat of desire.

I want to kiss you while you scream
by rnabokov ©

with her
it is free-fall through velvet air
sliding down the purple throat of desire ...

her skin’s perfume explodes my senses
luminous drops of blood red flowers
erupt in nerve-ends hot with colour
with each touch
cascades a rhythm
fills the spaces between heartbeats
echoing bursts through skin in songs of yearning...

... and when your tongue moves like a hot
snake in my mouth,
when you stalk my hardness like a cat,
whisper, give it to me baby, give it to me now
when you mark me with your sweet juices
spilling down my lips my throat my belly,

into the purple throat of desire we are unleashed ...

we ...
a chorus of breath and moaning songs of aching flesh
for each other aching, calling
our almost touching mouths and fingers, lips and tongue... and then

and then,

I wet my fingers and find you open
cage you my animal with muscles sinew
hard flesh rippling
my arms and legs are flexed, unyielding
hold you slithering arching twisting clawing

I want to kiss you while you scream ...

Take your tongue and suck it, eat your mouth and,
feel you,

feel your skin crawl up an octave hot with fever rising,
each pore open like a mouth licks up the liquid kiss of flesh
as I move you, at you, in you,
lift you, hold you, smell you
listen to your song of moaning, crooning

but now I stop you baby,
stop your dance
I take your face now, gentle in my hands,
my eyes are calling for you
yearning
for your eyes to open into mine
dissolving...

until I take your legs and roll you over,
with lip and tongue your secret lips I spread you
open,
open, wider now so I can fall inside you
deep inside you

unravelling body heart & soul inside you
fill you, spilling, flowing,

take me baby
take me while I scream ...

There are many well-phrased images to languish over throughout this poem.
One of my favorites supports the very beginning of this poem:
“it is free-fall through velvet air”

rnabokov doesn’t shy away from cliché words or images, buy he surrounds them with enough visual and linguistic heft to make them slide down easy. The uneven stanza length works well for most of the poem. We are being taken on a lust filled passionate ride and damn the torpedoes!

The last three stanzas before the last slow down my ride they seem out of place to me. They lack the twisted imagery I have grown fond of through out the rest of the poem. Yes rnabokov shifts gears trying to give us some thoughtful tenderness but a poem like this who needs it?

The poem worked well for me it is erotic and twisted.
Rnabokov has penned quite a few interesting poem since his arrival. I have been quite taken with Jazz from hell
Dial into his world rnabokov’s shoes there are many other places to go. And just for fun put on some music I suggest "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

U.P.

 

[Guest]

Unmasked Poet,

How rnabokov truly does color the senses. But it seems that coloring is not the only thing this poet is capable of.

When I read the lines.....

"her skin’s perfume explodes my senses
luminous drops of blood red flowers
erupt in nerve-ends hot with colour
with each touch
cascades a rhythm
fills the spaces between heartbeats
echoing bursts through skin in songs of yearning..."

.....I had to stop and take a deep breath, almost as if to capture myself from falling into those very emotional words.

Thank you for bringing this poet to my attention. I'm just discovering the many pleasures of the world as seen through the eyes of rnabokov.

Enchanted

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Wonderful to see you.

Enchanted one,

Thank you, please pass the praise onto rnabokov.
Vote and email would be nice. Us poets are starved for attention.
A kind word from a beautiful stranger, could launch a thousand words.

U.P.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

RisiaSkye returns and she has brought an all too familiar friend.

Adult Concerns
by RisiaSkye ©

Learning protocol and refinement
involuntary confinement
Attending Very Proper functions &
seeking early retirement

Sucking in information
enduring daily degradation
Countless sleepness nights &
retaining legal representation

Health is neglected
love's been rejected
Even sunshine is unsafe &
they say fould play is suspected

Work place submission
political revision
Praying against violence &
that the cancer's in remission

The house is on a fault line
all I have isn't mine
Mustn't forget the children &
We're all just biding time.

We all feel this way sometimes, of course that what poetry does. It takes the common and makes it uncommon. I spoke earlier of this poem as a type of mantra.
A tip of the hat to modern living, the crap we have to go through sometimes just to get through our lives.

Who keeps saying I don’t like rhyme? I do, I do. It’s easy to like it when it is handled well. The meter is consistent the rhyme is unforced. Risia uses a familiar pattern AABA. The rhythm is almost song like.

It is a nice piece of work try some more of RisiaSkye especial the new stuff.
Coming Down
Coming Down Day 2
Other World
Prayer
Say Goodbye

Vote for your favorite, hell vote for all of them.

U.P.

 

[Savage Kitten]

U.P.

Before I get started, I'd like to say that I still enjoy reading your opinion of the new #1 poems. I also value that opinion.

But...

Have you gotten soft, or is it just me? I reread some of your very first critiques. They were to the point, crucial, "the hammer hit the nail right on the head". Here lately it seems your critiques have been padded. Are the poems really that good that you see nothing to improve? Just because they are rated #1, do you now believe they are #1? Do you not critique the same now because you've had some time on the board and have gotten familiar with the more popular names here? Are you afraid to bruise some egos?

On the other hand... it could be just me haha

Sk~

 

[Guest]

U.P. Getting soft??????

Not very damn likely!

I've been following...reading along, and frankly enjoying the reviews.

I think that MOST of us are actually trying to write better poems. (Though one might notice I've not written any new ones lately!)

I've enjoyed every thing I've been reading....taking a new look
through U.P.'s eyes as it were, and finding a fresh appreciation for what I'm seeing and reading.

So no....I don't think U.P.'s getting softer. (He still can zing-em when he wants to!) But surprise, surprise....I think the poetry is truly getting better.

Maybe the fear of <god> a.k.a. U.P. made everyone a little more conscious of the written word.

Ya think?


To sleep........perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain........

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Losing my religion

Savage Kitten right back atcha

No work is perfect, but a capable poem does not need me picking it apart. Often I am interested in talking about the structure and possible variations of a poem. Of late overall the poems have been better. So my usual verbal jousting has not been appropriate.

I have also skipped reviewing some poems; I passed on SA Storm's "Outside Eden" and "Favor" Not because I have grown soft but because I have talked about him enough.
More complex free verse writers like Storm, Risia, Rnabokov, Smithpeter, Daughter, KM, use a wide variety of devices and styles. WickedEve's poetry has improved greatly. Katpurrs has also. Debbiexxx is examining alternative rhyme schemes. Thesandmans "The Encounter” was his best poem from a technical aspect and may have been the harbinger of my demise.

Where or where are the forced rhymes? The horrid line breaks, unfinished images, cliché-burdened tripe? I do miss the early heady days when one could not help but trip over a basket full of blunders. Oh well no need to wax poetically over the "Golden Days"

When I read the new poems list glorious memories and future hopes overwhelm me. A shuddering excitement akin to a cyber orgasm envelops me. Catchy one-liners and sarcastic parables spew forth like… uh well you know.
I have chanted to many deities to allow some of these profanity-laden offerings to make it across the pond to the top 100 lists. But no! And the lower half of the list does not rotate the very bad poetry to the top spot.

Also you may have just grown accustom to my monotone. Like an old comfortable sweater the one-liners from U.P. have lost their luster. Put me out to pasture, I’m commin home!

Has anyone seen my glasses? I can't find my damn cane without my glasses! Oh my...

U.P.

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: Losing my religion

Savage Kitten right back atcha

Also you may have just grown accustom to my monotone. Like an old comfortable sweater the one-liners from U.P. have lost their luster. Put me out to pasture, I’m commin home!

Has anyone seen my glasses? I can't find my damn cane without my glasses! Oh my...

U.P.

*laffin* oh.. I think not! haha You? Monotoned? "Like an old comfortable sweater," maybe. Your words caress us, hold us, cling to us. Your comments let us know someone is really paying attention, not just skimming the top.

So, U.P., come on out to pasture, that's where the rest of us are. Kick up your feet, take up your fav beverage, and let's talk about some poetry!!

btw... I thought I warned you about that tongue? haha

 

[Guest]

I quite pleased to see a poem I had not reviewed ascend the throne. And then I read it. Troubles socializing, I’m not surprised!

MY SENIOR PROM
by Littlemissblair ©
SENIOR PROM, CUMMING OF AGE
--------------------------------------------------


My High School prom
the coming of age
long, frilly dresses
all the rage.



Mother so excited
her mind a mess
wanting to help me
pick out my dress.



How to approach her
no dress for me
a splash I'll make
for all to see.



A thin leather top
naughty and tight
nipples protruding
so pleasing a sight.



A midriff quite naked
skirt cinched up tight
the blackness of leather
so vulgar a sight.



Black leather boots
the appeal they belie
when fitted so snugly
right up to the thigh.



My entrance quite grand
I appeared there alone
amused by the boys
their "unison moan."



Waiting with patience
a slow song to play
adjusting my outfit
making my way.



As I approached her
the nearer I came
the look of embarrassment
when calling her name.



"Sarah how I want you"
abrupt and quite blunt
grabbing the arm
of the arrogant cunt.



Pulling away
my grip to tight
she too fragile
to put up a fight.



Glancing all around
where was her date
collapsing against me
accepting her fate.



All eyes up on us
I spoke in her ear
"you and I are leather and lace
how sexy we appear."



Her breast up against me
classmates taking aback
two girls dancing tit to tit
prom was out of whack.



Again I breathed in her ear
"I own you little slut
when I make my move to leave
you shake your sexy butt."



In the car, to the spot
where lovers go to park
moving to the seat in back
more room to make my mark.



Not feeling very tender
ripping her frilly frock
swollen tits came tumbling out
I prayed I had a cock.



After sucking her nipples raw
abandoning her bleeding breast
knowing she the "queen of teen"
I had to see the rest.



Forcing her body backward
her lovely limbs splayed wide
begging me to finish her
ecstasy for her pride.



Swooning from the scent of her
I licked her till she came
tears welled up in her eyes
when the pleasure waned.



"How can I ever face my friends
you put me on display
how did I ever succumb to you
your deviant, controlling way?"



"You'll come to love your shame
time I'm thru with you
before this night is over
you'll love my pussy too."



Crudely crawling atop of her
straddling her lovely head
ordering her to eat my cunt
the mouth that needed fed.



Wasn't long before I heard
that lovely submissive moan
sucking the cum right out of me
I shuddered to the bone.



Riding home she snuggled close
a slut, and she was mine
all my plans were falling in place
her sister was next in line.


Everybody still with me? It’s very long and reads very fast. I know it’s a lot to get through that’s because it’s prose masking as a poem. Why all the white space, spacing is used for pause and to separate the actions taking place in the poem. With this much white space I was moved so far away from the poem I needed binoculars. Once correctly outfitted the binoculars allowed me to look far too closely.

The subject matter is interesting but the rudimentary rhyme scheme does not match. The cadence of such short sentences and stanzas is too fast. Lengthening both would give the poem the coherency it lacks. The flaw is compounded by the white space. The poem lurches and stops like a 69 beetle with a broken clutch. “Its gets up where were going but it’s not a good ride.”

Littlemsblair likes using violent images in her Sapphic descriptions. But here I can’t figure out why the character so angry? Since I have no background I must leap to the conclusion that the central figure is a near homicidal female version of Hannibal Lecter.
I know it suppose to be a rape/dom/sub/defiant/making my stand for choice/thingy.
That is a lot to tackle in one poem. But without a context for these actions it’s like a Hollywood action film. A lot of shit gets blown up but there is noting to connect us to the pyrotechnics. And at some point we have to ask why?

Why oh why indeed.

Littlemissblair displays talent and chooses her words well. She avoids cliché, and obviously has a story to tell.
As is my custom I read most of Littlemsblair’s works. She enjoys giving us a particular view of human sexuality. In fact read http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31858 ]“Catfight”[/url] a new submission by her. It is essentially the same poem, down to the nipple ouch!

Check out her penchant for the lasses don’t worry it wont hurt a bit http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=507]CHOMP![/url]

U.P.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

system timed out

Oops please forgive the typing mistakes, next time I will write in a word processing software or post faster.