Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
I can hardly wait.
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Do we need another bad poem?
Giggles--
Some of us miss the mark even when we're trying to write good poetry. No need to purposely make us slosh through something you think is bad. ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Maybe UP was being facetious, yah think?
How about your best effort to date?
Giggles--
Some of us miss the mark even when we're trying to write good poetry. No need to purposely make us slosh through something you think is bad. ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Maybe UP was being facetious, yah think?
How about your best effort to date?
Last edited:
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
- May 20, 2001
- Posts
- 40,901
Re: Perky--Critique a poem of mine
okie dokie artichokie,
What I like about your style, mostly is how clean it is. It's clean and raw.....when you get away from those two qualities, I lose your imagery, and it sounds to hard and not from your soul. You have a real quality I want to bury myself in. When you go somewhere else, (I'll explain it better when I critique your poetry), I want to scream for missing you!!!.
SO, I'll do you better, I'll critique a poem I like and I'll critique the poems I don't, or specifically the ones that bugs the hell outta me. In doing so, I hope I don't hurt ya.
The poems I love by daughter are as follows:
Belle Isle, Bruised You, Center of Trees, chocolate afflicted, eating dough, harlequin: sista style, he says, Intoxication, it's an urban thang, my boy, No Time for Breakfast and pmbliss.
Let me talk about chocolate afflicted,
Wooooo hoooooooo guuuuuurl!!!! I know that boy, I've felt him he's real, and you wanted him.....and you had him. You speak in precise vocabulary....of intense heat. The sight....the want the need. No flowers, no candy...all caramel skin and raw power. Guuuuuurl made me wanna fuck him. BTW...liked this poem. Say this poem outloud, roll it over your tongue....dare you to do it without drooling, without purring. makes me wanna.....get it? I think this is the key to your poetry. The reality, the way it effects the body of the reader. Your imagery is a physical thing and I revel in it.
Now for the poems that need work<pronounced some I hate, and some might be saved, but they make me cry for the real daughter> They are as follows:
Poet's beginning: Open Mike, Chamomile Tea, Cingular Connection, Collaboration (For Lovers), Lilacs and Lemons, Number31, Tanka and Tuck Me In.
Which one to pick? <sigh> Maybe I'll just hit on a few points for the ones that bugged me the most. Some I'm completely apathetic about and that has to be a bummer for a writer. I understand that, but the knowing helps us move on.
so here goes,
Open Mike,
I've read all your poetry. This isn't you. When the hell have you ever called someone dearest one? Some excellent alliteration usage. The tongue plays with these words well, but I don't feel it. I'm apathetic towards this one. Your vocabulary isn't raw enough to incite physicality. I don't even want to say this one out loud.
Chamomile Tea,
This is a great start. I started feeling you...and then nothing....made me cry missing you. Now if this is the way you wanted the reader to feel, you should have popped the rawness, made it painful and quick, instead of building up to nothing.
Cingular Connection,
What the hell are you saying here? I don't get it. I was trying to feel it, I wanted to love it, but I'm missing your point.
Collaboration,
I'm scared of this poem. I could feel your pain in the editing process. This poem gave me a toothache. You're tougher than this. Maybe sweet is a side of you, but girl, it's not your everything.....please don't ever do this to me again.
Lilacs and Lemons,
K, this one was alright...almost made it to the "loved it" list. But again, I didn't feel it with my body, my tongue didn't want to say it again. I was diggin' the imagery, the soulful need, but you have a way with getting in the blood when you're on point. This wasn't one of those times.
Number 31,
felt you, but it was all cliche. I've heard it before and this wasn't fresh. Felt like roses that should have been thrown away a week ago.
Tanka,
and then what? and what actually were you trying to say?....I felt a few words trying to be a poem there.
Tuck me in,
godddddddd!!!!! how I wanted to love this....your interspersed quotes..damn I loved that. Reaching between giggles...how can I not feel that?...but it wasn't enough. You fell asleep too early. And I wasn't feeling why.....or why you didn't stay awake with the guy that likes your hair.
So, do ya still love me?.....cause I love your poetry. I think you need to focus on the physicality of your poems. Bounce them off your tongue, feel them in your blood. If you don't, scratch em....or fix em.
wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky
daughter said:
okie dokie artichokie,
What I like about your style, mostly is how clean it is. It's clean and raw.....when you get away from those two qualities, I lose your imagery, and it sounds to hard and not from your soul. You have a real quality I want to bury myself in. When you go somewhere else, (I'll explain it better when I critique your poetry), I want to scream for missing you!!!.
SO, I'll do you better, I'll critique a poem I like and I'll critique the poems I don't, or specifically the ones that bugs the hell outta me. In doing so, I hope I don't hurt ya.
The poems I love by daughter are as follows:
Belle Isle, Bruised You, Center of Trees, chocolate afflicted, eating dough, harlequin: sista style, he says, Intoxication, it's an urban thang, my boy, No Time for Breakfast and pmbliss.
Let me talk about chocolate afflicted,
Wooooo hoooooooo guuuuuurl!!!! I know that boy, I've felt him he's real, and you wanted him.....and you had him. You speak in precise vocabulary....of intense heat. The sight....the want the need. No flowers, no candy...all caramel skin and raw power. Guuuuuurl made me wanna fuck him. BTW...liked this poem. Say this poem outloud, roll it over your tongue....dare you to do it without drooling, without purring. makes me wanna.....get it? I think this is the key to your poetry. The reality, the way it effects the body of the reader. Your imagery is a physical thing and I revel in it.
Now for the poems that need work<pronounced some I hate, and some might be saved, but they make me cry for the real daughter> They are as follows:
Poet's beginning: Open Mike, Chamomile Tea, Cingular Connection, Collaboration (For Lovers), Lilacs and Lemons, Number31, Tanka and Tuck Me In.
Which one to pick? <sigh> Maybe I'll just hit on a few points for the ones that bugged me the most. Some I'm completely apathetic about and that has to be a bummer for a writer. I understand that, but the knowing helps us move on.
so here goes,
Open Mike,
I've read all your poetry. This isn't you. When the hell have you ever called someone dearest one? Some excellent alliteration usage. The tongue plays with these words well, but I don't feel it. I'm apathetic towards this one. Your vocabulary isn't raw enough to incite physicality. I don't even want to say this one out loud.
Chamomile Tea,
This is a great start. I started feeling you...and then nothing....made me cry missing you. Now if this is the way you wanted the reader to feel, you should have popped the rawness, made it painful and quick, instead of building up to nothing.
Cingular Connection,
What the hell are you saying here? I don't get it. I was trying to feel it, I wanted to love it, but I'm missing your point.
Collaboration,
I'm scared of this poem. I could feel your pain in the editing process. This poem gave me a toothache. You're tougher than this. Maybe sweet is a side of you, but girl, it's not your everything.....please don't ever do this to me again.
Lilacs and Lemons,
K, this one was alright...almost made it to the "loved it" list. But again, I didn't feel it with my body, my tongue didn't want to say it again. I was diggin' the imagery, the soulful need, but you have a way with getting in the blood when you're on point. This wasn't one of those times.
Number 31,
felt you, but it was all cliche. I've heard it before and this wasn't fresh. Felt like roses that should have been thrown away a week ago.
Tanka,
and then what? and what actually were you trying to say?....I felt a few words trying to be a poem there.
Tuck me in,
godddddddd!!!!! how I wanted to love this....your interspersed quotes..damn I loved that. Reaching between giggles...how can I not feel that?...but it wasn't enough. You fell asleep too early. And I wasn't feeling why.....or why you didn't stay awake with the guy that likes your hair.
So, do ya still love me?.....cause I love your poetry. I think you need to focus on the physicality of your poems. Bounce them off your tongue, feel them in your blood. If you don't, scratch em....or fix em.
wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky
daughter, lighten up!
daughter, all I have to say to you is Arrggg and good grief!
I'm joking about worse poetry! And I don't think my Bad Poetry is really that bad! I do try to amuse with my poetry. I'm not going to submit something that's simply not readable. Duh!
daughter, all I have to say to you is Arrggg and good grief!
What only one variety allowed
U.P. you have me giggling! I dug up some of my "bad" poetry and decided to submit it. If you found some that amusing, then just wait until I submit "Worse Poetry" Yes, ol' giggles has worse.
Giggles--
If you can be Giggles, why can't daughter be who she is?
Take your own advice: Lighten up. She didn't call your poetry bad. You did.
jazzy2
U.P. you have me giggling! I dug up some of my "bad" poetry and decided to submit it. If you found some that amusing, then just wait until I submit "Worse Poetry" Yes, ol' giggles has worse.
Giggles--
If you can be Giggles, why can't daughter be who she is?
Take your own advice: Lighten up. She didn't call your poetry bad. You did.
jazzy2
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
jazzy2...
"If you can be Giggles, why can't daughter be who she is?
Take your own advice: Lighten up. She didn't call your poetry bad. You did."
sigh... I didn't say she said it was bad. I said it was bad but I was explaining that I didn't think it was that bad. She didn't say it was bad! I didn't say she said that! Okay? lol
And she can be herself. I didn't say she shouldn't. Be whoever you want to be. I really don't care. LOL Oh my goodness! lol I'm waving a white flag! An entire white bed sheet, if need be!
giggles
Everyone get a grip! Hopefully a grip on something good. *wink*
"If you can be Giggles, why can't daughter be who she is?
Take your own advice: Lighten up. She didn't call your poetry bad. You did."
sigh... I didn't say she said it was bad. I said it was bad but I was explaining that I didn't think it was that bad. She didn't say it was bad! I didn't say she said that! Okay? lol
And she can be herself. I didn't say she shouldn't. Be whoever you want to be. I really don't care. LOL Oh my goodness! lol I'm waving a white flag! An entire white bed sheet, if need be!
giggles
Everyone get a grip! Hopefully a grip on something good. *wink*
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Gurl--
Thanks for the spotlight, but we hogged this thread. Some might find the discussion interesting, but it doesn't belong here. I made a new thread. You just need to delete your post in this one.
You gave me a great laugh and a damn fine discussion. I'll definitely give you a heads up when I have revisions.
Peace,
daughter
((d still smilin' and glad perky came on the scene))
Thanks for the spotlight, but we hogged this thread. Some might find the discussion interesting, but it doesn't belong here. I made a new thread. You just need to delete your post in this one.
You gave me a great laugh and a damn fine discussion. I'll definitely give you a heads up when I have revisions.
Peace,
daughter
((d still smilin' and glad perky came on the scene))
Last edited:
tigerjen
The Married Tigress
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2001
- Posts
- 83,318
WickedEve whips up a "tasty trio" for a recipe of sexiness!
"sugar rush
~*~*~*~*~ "
I can't tell you anymore.....you must go read this recipe
of sexy in.......the new poem by WickedEve.......
"tasty trio"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31649
"sugar rush
~*~*~*~*~ "
I can't tell you anymore.....you must go read this recipe
of sexy in.......the new poem by WickedEve.......
"tasty trio"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31649
tigerjen
The Married Tigress
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2001
- Posts
- 83,318
"Her dark hair
Her dark life
Her dark smile
Her dark personality "
soccerstud's 2nd creation.........in so few words....speaking
volumes! my kind of poem....short, sexy, straight to the
point!
"Raven"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31775
Her dark life
Her dark smile
Her dark personality "
soccerstud's 2nd creation.........in so few words....speaking
volumes! my kind of poem....short, sexy, straight to the
point!
"Raven"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31775
Unmasked Poet
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 429
12/12
The best catch of the day, in my opinion.
Petals Tossed In the Wind –
Submitted by daughter (Non-Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
I enjoyed the first petal the second wilted and the third like the first is in bloom.
Tapering –
Submitted by smithpeter (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
I’m going to go back and read this again
tasty trio –
Submitted by WickedEve (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
Cute fluff, I wish the second treat was a larger portion
Cat Fight –
Submitted by Littlemissblair (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
Throw some water on these cats. Where is this erotic poetry the WWF?
U.P.
Find your own read, vote and email.
The best catch of the day, in my opinion.
Petals Tossed In the Wind –
Submitted by daughter (Non-Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
I enjoyed the first petal the second wilted and the third like the first is in bloom.
Tapering –
Submitted by smithpeter (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
I’m going to go back and read this again
tasty trio –
Submitted by WickedEve (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
Cute fluff, I wish the second treat was a larger portion
Cat Fight –
Submitted by Littlemissblair (Erotic Poetry) 12/12/01
Throw some water on these cats. Where is this erotic poetry the WWF?
U.P.
Find your own read, vote and email.
karmadog
Now I'm a drink behind.
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,198
A little late
I just saw that you mentioned my poem in this thread. Thank you.
If you have the time could you critique it? This is the first poem I have written since grade school and my knees are a little wobbly.
New Sneaker Blues
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31369
I just saw that you mentioned my poem in this thread. Thank you.
If you have the time could you critique it? This is the first poem I have written since grade school and my knees are a little wobbly.
New Sneaker Blues
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31369
smithpeter
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2001
- Posts
- 409
Flattered again,
My compliments to UP for such perspicacious reasoning. Though not worthy of lists, I thank you for pointing your finger to things enjoyable. If you enjoy a puzzle, tell me why my jaw hurts following an evening of reading and writing?
Best to all,
My compliments to UP for such perspicacious reasoning. Though not worthy of lists, I thank you for pointing your finger to things enjoyable. If you enjoy a puzzle, tell me why my jaw hurts following an evening of reading and writing?
Best to all,
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Clenching? I do that sometimes.
Touch the tip of your tongue to the back of your top teeth, then close your lips. It makes you jaw relax. The trick is to keep it that way.
Touch the tip of your tongue to the back of your top teeth, then close your lips. It makes you jaw relax. The trick is to keep it that way.
tigerjen
The Married Tigress
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2001
- Posts
- 83,318
"Penelope Blue's Satisfaction"....new one by WickedEve!
"Penelope Blue
had no clue.
Where to go,
what to do? "
Ever read the Dr. Seuss' book "Ten Apples on Top" when
you were a kid? The beat in the poem reminds me of
it......
I thoroughly enjoyed this one.....because it reminded me of
when i was with my boyfriend back in college---I would
want to have foreplay and 'good stuff' all night long
(all day too?) with him and he called me a nympho.....
so when I wasn't with him or when he didn't want to
play with me, I would take matters into my own hands
(thank god I'm not with Scott anymore.....)
Take a peek at WickedEve's.....
"Penelope Blue's Satisfaction"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32075
"Penelope Blue
had no clue.
Where to go,
what to do? "
Ever read the Dr. Seuss' book "Ten Apples on Top" when
you were a kid? The beat in the poem reminds me of
it......
I thoroughly enjoyed this one.....because it reminded me of
when i was with my boyfriend back in college---I would
want to have foreplay and 'good stuff' all night long
(all day too?) with him and he called me a nympho.....
so when I wasn't with him or when he didn't want to
play with me, I would take matters into my own hands
(thank god I'm not with Scott anymore.....)
Take a peek at WickedEve's.....
"Penelope Blue's Satisfaction"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32075
tigerjen
The Married Tigress
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2001
- Posts
- 83,318
RisiaSkye......"Say Goodbye"
Reading through the words.....I thought of when
my ex dumped me back in '97, a month before
graduating from college.....he sent me an email saying
it was over with.....I remember crying...looking at his
photo...looking at pix of him and I.......emails that he sent
me.....
And as time went on.....I healed....and deleted most of
the emails (including the "break up" one) and put
away his picture in my box of memories.
RisiaSkye.....thank you much.....a good read here!
To read:
"Say Goodbye"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31475
Reading through the words.....I thought of when
my ex dumped me back in '97, a month before
graduating from college.....he sent me an email saying
it was over with.....I remember crying...looking at his
photo...looking at pix of him and I.......emails that he sent
me.....
And as time went on.....I healed....and deleted most of
the emails (including the "break up" one) and put
away his picture in my box of memories.
RisiaSkye.....thank you much.....a good read here!
To read:
"Say Goodbye"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31475
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
fox in a box
I even wrote: on bottom, on top, everywhere bop! It's Seuss for naughty adults! lol
tj! This is so funny! I wrote this last night, and while I was typing, my kids were watching a Dr. Seuss cartoon. All I could hear was Seuss in the background. I even started reading it that way! lol
I even wrote: on bottom, on top, everywhere bop! It's Seuss for naughty adults! lol
smithpeter
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2001
- Posts
- 409
to: tigerjen
Greetings,
I know this is not the correct way to do it but I was trying to comment on your work, but to you.
Not to this public smutty forum, LOL!
At any rate, I have enjoyed all of your things read so far but you do not allow comment so there it was.
Be well,
Greetings,
I know this is not the correct way to do it but I was trying to comment on your work, but to you.
Not to this public smutty forum, LOL!
At any rate, I have enjoyed all of your things read so far but you do not allow comment so there it was.
Be well,
tigerjen
The Married Tigress
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2001
- Posts
- 83,318
Re: to: tigerjen
hi smithpeter...
you can send me an email in regards to giving me feedback
to my work....that's what its there for. I'm not the only
one on Lit who has their Anonymous thing switched off
I look forward to hearing from you
TJ
smithpeter said:
hi smithpeter...
you can send me an email in regards to giving me feedback
to my work....that's what its there for. I'm not the only
one on Lit who has their Anonymous thing switched off
I look forward to hearing from you
TJ
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
spanking clouds by rnabokov is fanstatic. It's gritty, honest, somber, funny, sad, real. He's strung some great phrases and the tone and pace grip you. The metaphors are fresh.
a favorite section:
I was so pissed off I started spanking clouds
when suddenly a cold south wind erupted in my face,
the earth began to rumble, tremble and to shake, then between my legs a fissure opened wide, a crack to hell? it sucked me down,
r's smybolism is raw, a contemporary mindspin on the meaning of our existence. He drives me nuts with the syntax and line breaks, but the message is deft.
Thanks for the read, poet.
Peace,
daughter
a favorite section:
I was so pissed off I started spanking clouds
when suddenly a cold south wind erupted in my face,
the earth began to rumble, tremble and to shake, then between my legs a fissure opened wide, a crack to hell? it sucked me down,
r's smybolism is raw, a contemporary mindspin on the meaning of our existence. He drives me nuts with the syntax and line breaks, but the message is deft.
Thanks for the read, poet.
Peace,
daughter
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
- May 20, 2001
- Posts
- 40,901
NEW POET!!!!
LIke to give a heads up to y'all about a new poet DoSpokenWord2me.....i've had the priviledge of hearing this poet live...she's amazing....take a moment to read her poetry..any of it...it's amazing, heartfelt, real, sexy and lyrical. You can't help but get into her skin her rhythm
perky
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32403
the above is one of my favorites
LIke to give a heads up to y'all about a new poet DoSpokenWord2me.....i've had the priviledge of hearing this poet live...she's amazing....take a moment to read her poetry..any of it...it's amazing, heartfelt, real, sexy and lyrical. You can't help but get into her skin her rhythm
perky
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32403
the above is one of my favorites
