The Suddenly Companion

[UnderYourSpell]

Champ! parp!

 

[bluebell]

Am officially sick of padding language. Will leave out all connecting words which haven't kissed my ass or bought me chocolate.

Dora. Love you. Still in awe at your growth since you started posting in the 5 in 5 thread. Boggled, actually. And that is not a slant at where you began. Not at all. If my poems ever grow up I hope they can grow legs like yours.

I dangle like a crucifix
from the mirror of a taxi
(though the driver is Muslim)
swung by turns
jiggled by lane
changes.
This is no bed, no soft
grave, no peace
only doors
opening
and closing

and only one
missed light
from flying glass.

First two lines stick to my brain. Stick in my brain. The whole poem is a mood, an experience, but I really enjoy those first two lines.
"Jiggled". Swish. The ball goes in. Not such an easy word to jimmy in. Wonderful.

Crisp afternoon cools the windowsill
resting the bones of summer
insects in piles where once
the pie cooled on this modest boundary
between the outside
where now you lie
and the inside
where still I mourn.

This one. This one- I'm all slobbery admiration. I love how you pick words like you might pick stars or berries. Then you sew them together. Just. Happy parsing. Sad feelings. I understand.

I want you,
he breathes into my mouth
and I bite every one,
tasting passion as it burns
lips and tongue, especially "want".
The word is like mainlining
pure seduction and I'm instant addict.

This whole poem is round. Full and delicious. Absolutely luscious. I love.

big gaping hole in the ceiling
shakes my shivers my wracks my
bones quake
and the rushing whooshing cold
of the spine chilling willing my misery
like icicles on my nose
in some loony tunes cartoon
it's supposed to make me more productive
this freezer box blowing my warm away
but it makes me hate the fuckers
and not want to work at all

I like the way you lay out your language, Shwenn. I've seen some of your posts and you word them similarly. No bullshit. Like you're building the fire for a camp out and it will not be fucked with, thankyouverymuch. A moment suspended and then the crack in the glass (reality). "But it makes me hate the fuckers" is perfect.

Aside: Fucker is a great word. I know people get irked by the overexposure of "fuck" but when uttered or used appropriately, "fucker" seems to have a 99% success rate for being Exactly What Needed Said.

Well done, all.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Thank you Bluebell. I just saw this and am beaming. I reworked that Taxi one. I might post it in another thread maybe. I have been trying to be disciplined about editing but I need a personal trainer, maybe.

Thank you for the encouragement.

 

[champagne1982]

A curse on all of them

Dear one,

You know anger will only serve a purpose if harnessed and directed towards real targets. To rail and rant at ephemerals only satisfies but a moment. It does not neutralize the bile, merely suppresses it's caustic poison, pushing it into your entrails.

Find your power and begin to write. Write your congress, your senate, your president-elect; the first lady, the mothers, the gay, the straight and all the simple human beings you share this planet with.

It's pure economics. Imagine if spousal recognition came to same sex couples... Health insurance, medicaid and medicare, survivor benefits, tax deductions are all impacted when you begin widening the scope of marriage beyond the "holy traditional'. This is the fear the h8ters are running with.

It's up to everyone to separate church and state and redefine family. Values don't change no matter who you call spouse. Love, honour and respect are virtues that transcend a marriage license and no one can vote that away from you.

My best thoughts and support are offered to you and yours as you brace your walls and gird yourselves for the inevitable class action suit against the state, that's sure to come on the heels of this Prop. 8 thing.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

A curse on all of them

Dear one,

You know anger will only serve a purpose if harnessed and directed towards real targets. To rail and rant at ephemerals only satisfies but a moment. It does not neutralize the bile, merely suppresses it's caustic poison, pushing it into your entrails.

Find your power and begin to write. Write your congress, your senate, your president-elect; the first lady, the mothers, the gay, the straight and all the simple human beings you share this planet with.

It's pure economics. Imagine if spousal recognition came to same sex couples... Health insurance, medicaid and medicare, survivor benefits, tax deductions are all impacted when you begin widening the scope of marriage beyond the "holy traditional'. This is the fear the h8ters are running with.

It's up to everyone to separate church and state and redefine family. Values don't change no matter who you call spouse. Love, honour and respect are virtues that transcend a marriage license and no one can vote that away from you.

My best thoughts and support are offered to you and yours as you brace your walls and gird yourselves for the inevitable class action suit against the state, that's sure to come on the heels of this Prop. 8 thing.

WORD.

With a president who mentioned "gay AND straight" in his acceptance speech, it is only a matter of time now. Keep the faith. Keep the faith.

bj

 

[PandoraGlitters]

WORD.

With a president who mentioned "gay AND straight" in his acceptance speech, it is only a matter of time now. Keep the faith. Keep the faith.

bj

Indeed. There is a lot of work to be done but I feel optimistic. For the first time in my lifetime, I feel like comparing my nation's leader and saying "Our guy is cuter than your guy." We need more women in politics, still. BJ for Secretary of (um . . . do you like to travel, bj?)

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Indeed. There is a lot of work to be done but I feel optimistic. For the first time in my lifetime, I feel like comparing my nation's leader and saying "Our guy is cuter than your guy." We need more women in politics, still. BJ for Secretary of (um . . . do you like to travel, bj?)

Well, I'm willing to go to a grocery store fully 35 miles from home if they have suggestive produce, but that may not really count as travel. Other than that, I'm just not a very good traveler. They don't let you bring your whole bed along on plane trips, usually.


bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The years have walked them home
together, always.
So many things shared,
give and take.
So much built,
polished to the nub.
Laughter the glue
tear-washed and chastened
they wept and held
onto the joy of their love
in the face of hostility.
Love often flippantly tossed away,
was meaningful
spoken with eyes wide open.
He could not brook
her haunted absence,
it was the most natural thing
to leave together

Tess that is the most beautiful thing I have read for a long time I do hope you submit it

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Wonderful poem today, Vampiredust.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Well, I'm willing to go to a grocery store fully 35 miles from home if they have suggestive produce, but that may not really count as travel. Other than that, I'm just not a very good traveler. They don't let you bring your whole bed along on plane trips, usually.


bj

Ok then I'll make due with Hillary.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Tess that is the most beautiful thing I have read for a long time I do hope you submit it

Thanks Annie - took your advise after a tweak or two.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Oh goody will look out for it

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

My god, this is very powerful! Running to see if you submitted it. You better had!

Cunt

I was 14 when I first uttered
it on a school trip to Epping
Forest, hurling it like a discus
at Jerome, the class idiot.

But the wind had grabbed
it instead, dropping it
in the hands of our head
of year, Mr T, who pulled me

aside like a rabid dog needing
to be controlled. Would you
like your parents to know
what you said? Yes I wanted

to say. Yes Yes Yes. I wanted
them to know how I licked
words like fuck, cunt, shit,
bollocks, motherfucker from their

faulty tap, watching them spin
like the sycamore seeds
falling around me, listening
to the sudden thud of bone

crashing to the earth
over and over and over,
the way they had always let it
happen to me.

 

[Safe_Bet]

I am SO proud of you, Jen. Your first poem and it has heart AND legs. What a wonderous beginning to both your new self and your new poetic avocation.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hi Jen I can't write all those amazing words about what makes a poem good but only say I liked it and that's all that matters isn't it? Oh and welcome to the mad bad poetry forum

 

[Tzara]

Moved, because I can learn, after all.

Tess's comment actually put me on this. I don't normally read this thread. Or the Suddenly thread, for that matter.

So. Preface.

Anyway, Chris, I agree with Tessie. This is a really good poem. I have some comments on it (below), but feel free to ignore them if you want. You've got real feeling in this and I can't, in any way, comment on that.

So.

Cunt

I was 14 when I first uttered
it on a school trip to Epping
Forest, hurling it like a discus Discus? <-- To my mind, not "weaponly" enough. I associate discus with Sport, and therefore it isn't aggressive enough. I'd suggest spear, though that verges on cliché, but it seems better to me, though not right. Sorry, no brilliant idea here. Also, I would change "hurling" to "hurled". I do like this line break, even though it reads a little awkwardly.
at Jerome, the class idiot.

But the wind had grabbed <-- The wind grabbed
it instead, dropping it
in the hands of our head
of year, Mr T, who pulled me

aside like a rabid dog needing <-- "rabid" is overstatement. I would remove that.
to be controlled. Would you
like your parents to know
what you said? Yes I wanted

to say. Yes Yes Yes. I wanted
them to know how I licked <-- "licked" is excellent
words like fuck, cunt, shit,
bollocks, motherfucker from their

faulty tap, watching them spin
like the sycamore seeds
falling around me, listening
to the sudden thud of bone

crashing to the earth
over and over and over,
the way they had always let it
happen to me.

Like I said, Chris—quite an excellent poem. My absinthe-green jealously of your talent remains in place and intact.

I hope that is a comfort to you.

Oh, by the way, if you want to submit this someplace, just PM me and I'll delete the reference.

 

[vampiredust]

Thanks for the kind words Tess, Bill and Pandora. I'm glad you liked it.

Your comments were very helpful, Bill, and I'll def think about them when I revise the piece.

Tess - I will submit it somewhere eventually

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Is TZ Bill?

 

[vampiredust]

aye, he is

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Doll

The wooden doll
was still screaming
when it was gagged
and placed face-down
in the shoebox.

Unrepentant, it mouthed
muffled curse words
through the cotton;
whilst the mother lay
in the corner of the room,

sobbing, palming an invisible
reply out of her shredded
hope and the child she had lost.

Awesome but creepy!

 

[Angeline]

Fuck the wolf
that scratches my door
after being exposed
to December's mad moon.

Look at it running
its tongue over the braille
body of a chicken
it killed when I was away,

trying to decipher the future
in its entrails. That
was supposed to be my offering
to the restless grey.

Now all I have are these seeds
that can never be sown.

This is great Chris. I usually go in the passion thread and read you and I like most of what I see, but this one really grabbed me. That second strophe is just killer (in more than one way lol) to me. "running its tongue over the braille body of a chicken" is such a violent and merciless, yet clear image. I feel like you've really connected images that do occur in nature with metaphor in a seamless way. And yet the poem is so metaphorical overall that readers can interpret it in many different ways.

Lord, but you're getting so good. Maybe we should revive the interview type threads that 1201 used to do. I'd love to hear the thinking that leads you to construct a poem like this.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Tristan

was the kid in my class
that no-one wanted
to be friends with, for fear
of being turned into a
scarecrow and pecked
at by a Luftwaffe of crows.

He was the one who knew
the kind of things
everyone had forgotten -
most highly watched shows
of the '80's, obscure candies
we used to eat - plucking
out these reams of facts

from his albino coif
whilst his schoolmates
prepped insults. Once I made
the mistake of befriending
him, sharing chocolate bars
as we talked about the small
things. I could see Tim and Matt

smirking, faces quickly turning
into fox-grins. I wanted
to avoid my body turning
into straw but it was too late.
Even now I feel the constant
ca-caw, the smell of burning.

fabulous

 

[vampiredust]

Thank you Angeline and UnderYourSpell for your lovely comments

 

[Angeline]

Thank you Angeline and UnderYourSpell for your lovely comments

YW. Now you know where I got the interview idea.

 

[WickedEve]

Good to see you posting. Wonderful poem, anna.