This was NOT what I meant by orgasm denial!

[Aspirations]

i know im not that educated on the whole dynamic of sub and dom. i happily sub to my man but i know he sees his role as pleasuring me as the endgame. i'm not aware of other people's relationships, but i cum a lot. and my fiancee rarely cums. maybe we're not "real" with how we're supposed to be, but he actually gets off in not cumming. he says it makes him feel manly to pleasure me considers that part of his control. i don't know. i just find what your man did very strange even in the bdsm context. mainly because marriage/relationships comes before the 'lifestyle' any day of the week.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Sometimes I read WHILE he's doing it.

Oh! Isn't that the best? I LOVE reading when someone's giving me head.

 

[marieR19]

I've had many men ignore a naked and horny me in favor of video games or the computer. I don't get it at all.

And neither do I!! I would GIVE you my computer for a chance at that!


..... This thread is starting to make me glad that I can't orgasm. Orgasm denial wouldn't even be an issue for me since it's pretty much impossible for me to in the first place.

I'm responding as I read the thread, so bear with me here.

IF it actually was an issue for me, I really have the feeling that I'd be on the side of not caring, not minding, etc, because my Mistress's needs/wants would come before my own, and if denying me that made her happy, that would be okay.

*giggles at "Switch Card"*

*giggles at other funny stuff*

*shakes head and leaves with a smile*


Heather

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Ok, so I'm in a mood today. But, I get so tired of that shit..this is submissive..this isn't..blah blah blah. Shut up and fuck.

Okay I am going to have to go back and reread this thread in entirety again. I think your comment is classic one liner NH23, I heard Dan Savage say almost the same thing in a podcast a few months ago and laughed heartily . It's a totally valid point in part , that's what makes it good, there is some truth there. Though to be fair, much of this integrates a considerable amount more than just 'fucking'. I simply don't see how we got 'there', here and now.

I am interested in ongoing discussions and other peoples views, or I wouldn't participate on the Board.

Edit to add after rereading : I still don't get where that came from , who is doing what to whom and where and why is it so affronting. I'm lost.

 

[notalwaysweak]

I've had many men ignore a naked and horny me in favor of video games or the computer. I don't get it at all.

Men are strange.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Good. That's the right way to handle it. I don't think it's a good idea to air your partner's faults in public. Imagine how you would feel if he did the same about you?

Sometimes I just adore you, Kiwi and all.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

I don't see how the OP is being less than submissive just because it makes her pissy. Assuming it was pre-negotiated orgasm denial, why does that mean she can't get pissy about it? I don't think I've ever been restricted in what I get pissy with...it's kind of hard to do, you know? What you do about being pissy is another story. I'm not sure that airing the complaint in a public forum is entirely inappropriate either. For me it's kind of like hearing "omg, I know we negotiated this, but I wanted to come so bad and it drives me crazyyyyy!" How is that automatically translated into "bad submissive, no cookie" here?

(I know it wasn't pre-negotiated, I'm just sayin' if it WAS.)

 

[JMohegan]

i know im not that educated on the whole dynamic of sub and dom. i happily sub to my man but i know he sees his role as pleasuring me as the endgame. i'm not aware of other people's relationships, but i cum a lot. and my fiancee rarely cums. maybe we're not "real" with how we're supposed to be, but he actually gets off in not cumming. he says it makes him feel manly to pleasure me considers that part of his control. i don't know. i just find what your man did very strange even in the bdsm context. mainly because marriage/relationships comes before the 'lifestyle' any day of the week.

I'm not educated in the sub/dom thing either. Never read any books or attended any seminars telling me what to do.

The OP lost me at "asked if he could join me in the shower." Asking permission just isn't my style. Nor would I ever apologize for being "a bit selfish." Being selfish in the moment is my right, per the agreed-upon terms of any relationship I would ever enter into.

I'm not even gonna offer one of the stereotypical D/s justifications - e.g., reminding her of her place, helping her grow in her submission, or some other such thing. My reason for not giving her an orgasm would simply be: I'm not in the mood.

You may find all of this "strange", and I don't blame you. But the fact is that some women not only appreciate, but in fact thrive in, this type of dynamic. Keep in mind, too, that there's an enormous difference between what happens in the moment and what happens overall. My mood shifts, varies, and changes, but ultimately I agree with your conclusion. The strength of the relationship trumps all.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Men are strange.

Yup. Some of them needs manual!!

 

[Etoile]

marriage/relationships comes before the 'lifestyle' any day of the week.

Maybe for you, but a lot of other people here feel differently. For some, the two are inseparable.

 

[callinectes]

Ok, so I'm in a mood today. But, I get so tired of that shit..this is submissive..this isn't..blah blah blah. Shut up and fuck.

Now that is awesome.

edited to add..I my admiration for this is as a one-liner, I've just skimmed the rest of the thread.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

That wouldn't fly with me, either, but I'm no slave.

I've had many men ignore a naked and horny me in favor of video games or the computer. I don't get it at all.

It might be okay with me if he played games and I was under the table sucking his cock. If he just ignored me I would look for fun elswhere, easy as that.

I am attention whore. I do not demand orgasms, never, but I need at least his attention. Is that bad? I hope not. I'd love being allowed to be at least near him while he played games, read books or whatever, I would be happy and thankful for that. Fuck the orgasms if its not a daily thing. I love to please men I am with way much more than get mine.

Reason why I said I would slap my man if he left me unsatisfied is that after years of my needs ignored it gets a bit anoying.

I never told him I don't like what he does and I won't tell him either. I think or he's intrested in seeing me cuming for him or he's not. If he did it just cuz I told him so, it would do nuthing for me anyways. He's getting what he needs and I am getting mine on my own now and then. I might moan about it on this boards cuz it makes me sad at times, but I would never tell him "ya know, sex with you suck" lol. Don't think thats what men wants to hear. Especialy when the men think "how good he is in it".

Some people here might think I do not sound submissive at all sometimes and I understand that. If you know me for real, you would know I am tho. Not like I mind if someone think different, those people obviously do not know me that well. I consider myself submissive to the core, like it or not. I know myself and my Sir knows me as well. I am a sub, not a bottom.

My prob is that I talk too much. I know I do and it suck yes. I need to learn to shut the fuck up. Now and then I just need to get something outta me and then I say something what might not sound submissive at all, but I think even sub's can get pissy and moody. If I were quiet and kept it all inside of me I would prolly end in the mad house soon, so pardon me if I moan about things here now and then, but spit it out usualy helps.

(I am avoiding the mention of names, as it has gone quiet, and there is no need to summon the attention of You Know Who.)

*chuckles*

 

[Etoile]

My prob is that I talk too much. I know I do and it suck yes. I need to learn to shut the fuck up. Now and then I just need to get something outta me and then I say something what might not sound submissive at all, but I think even sub's can get pissy and moody. If I were quiet and kept it all inside of me I would prolly end in the mad house soon, so pardon me if I moan about things here now and then, but spit it out usualy helps.

See, that's what I'm talking about. You gotta release your frustration or you'll go crazy. It doesn't make you less submissive. Just because you vent your frustration doesn't mean you're not accepting the situation...it's just frustrating you.

 

[FungiUg]

I'm not sure that airing the complaint in a public forum is entirely inappropriate either. For me it's kind of like hearing "omg, I know we negotiated this, but I wanted to come so bad and it drives me crazyyyyy!"

Weeellll...

It's one of those things if you put yourself in the reverse, you can see why it's not such a good idea. Imagine you have done something to annoy your partner (as we all do), and your partner then goes around telling anyone who will stop to listen all about what you did wrong.

From the perspective of maintaining a healthy relationship where two (or more) partners respect each other, I never think a public airing of each others faults is particularly grand. Personally I think relationships should be about building up the people you love (irrespective of their faults), rather than focussing public attention on their faults and tearing them down.

Make sense?

Now, if we were talking public humiliation scene of a sub... well, that's slightly different. But I don't think that was the case here.

There is a point for saying "I need some help: this is what is happening and I don't know how to fix it. Any ideas?" That's seeking constructive input, and we all need that at times. Again, I don't think that was entirely the case here, although I'm glad most of us treated it that way.

See, that's what I'm talking about. You gotta release your frustration or you'll go crazy.

Yes. But don't do it in such a way as to cause other issues. A friend in confidence is one thing. A public forum... nope. Wrong place. If it's serious, the best place is an open discussion with your partner and get it sorted. If it's just minor stuff that isn't really an issue, then yeah... friends are good.

 

[Etoile]

Yes. But don't do it in such a way as to cause other issues. A friend in confidence is one thing. A public forum... nope. Wrong place. If it's serious, the best place is an open discussion with your partner and get it sorted. If it's just minor stuff that isn't really an issue, then yeah... friends are good.

I agree with you, but it happens here all the time. That doesn't mean it's right, but the blurt thread and Dear X threads and so forth are full of people venting about their partners.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I went out today with friends but made a point of coming home early so I could have dinner with my husband when he got home from work. He got home as I was about to shower and shave my Yeti-riffic legs, and asked if he could join me in the shower. I said that was fine, and we squeezed into our stupidly tiny shower stall together. Playtime ensued, as it does when you're naked and wet... he went down on me for about a minute and I didn't come at all, though I did nearly fall over due to awkward positioning. Then I went down on him: he came, dried off, and disappeared into his study to go online., leaving me to go *blink blink* and wonder exactly how he thought that was fair!

He came and apologised later for thinking that maybe he'd been a bit selfish, and I told him he was right, and he said he was sorry... and then went back to the computer. By that time I couldn't be bothered chasing after him and telling him to get his act together, because he's done this before a few times (not so many that it's a major ongoing problem, just a few incidents), and I'm sick of telling him it's okay when it's not.

End rant. Sorry to whine, but this isn't something I feel I can bring up elsewhere, and I just need to quietly bitch about it. I'll talk to him in the morning (he's gone to bed already) and explain exactly how I feel, but I needed to blow off some steam in the meantime.

For what it's worth, here's my take on this:

It doesn't sound to me like the OP is in a D/s relationship. Her partner asked if he could join in the shower, and later apologized for being "a bit selfish". Doesn't sound D/s to me, for reason that many of you have already stated.

Why then would the OP post this rant on a BDSM forum if she's not in a D/s relationship? Flash news: not everyone around here is in a D/s relationship, and not everyone around here is even interested in being in one. *points at self*.

As for the issue at stake here, I actually don't have much to offer. I've never been in that position, for the simple reason that I wouldn't suffer a partner who doesn't care to make me come. I don't keep track of who's coming and who's not, but I would also never let it get to a point where I'm systematically not being satisfied when i'm having sex. Say something. Not two days after the fact: right when you're still both naked, before he gets out of the shower of turns around to fall asleep. If your orgasm doesn't come to you (haha - orgasm, come... get it?), go to your orgasm.

 

[alexanna]

These days I'd just drag my Hitatchi into the office and proceed on my own at his feet while he played if I felt like cumming and wanted a witness. He most likely wouldn't care as it is so hard for me to cum anyway. I pretty much have to do it myself. As long as he doesn't give me a hard time about carrying on on my own I don't care if he spends any time trying to make me cum or not.

I dunno whether our relationship is that D/s or not, its kind of off and on, right now being on with bruised ass to prove it. In either case I don't do well with anyone controlling my orgasms, they just don't happen that way so we've agreed its best to just leave that part alone. Sex is never about my orgasm.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I'm not trying to dump on people here, but, damn, submission is submission. If you aren't going to be focused on your PYL's need in preference to your own, call yourself a bottom, and leave the descriptor "submissive" to folks that submit. It ain't like you get a special badge for being a submissive over a bottom.

And, lemme tell ya, a lot of the "submissives" out there are anything but. They're bottoms, plain and simple. Frankly, if they got that fact, wow, life would be easier for em, IMO. For some reason, "submissive" is the hotness, and "bottom" is old and busted.

(The flip side of this is that a lot of dominants are tops or control freaks, not dominants, but that's a whole other can of worms.)

Actually i think you do get a badge for being a submissive versus a bottom but i no longer care whether i have that badge or not. i recently decided to quit claiming to be submissive and just go with bottom. it worked for me, i could brat all i wanted and just say "hey i never claimed to be a sub". On the other hand because i only claimed to be a bottom the tops i ran into wanted me to give them a script, tell them what to do to me. i don't actually work that way because, well, i'm not really just a bottom. In the end i found my Daddy and it no longer matters to me whether i am a bottom or a sub, only that i'm His.

 

[EmpressFi]

Actually i think you do get a badge for being a submissive versus a bottom but i no longer care whether i have that badge or not. i recently decided to quit claiming to be submissive and just go with bottom. it worked for me, i could brat all i wanted and just say "hey i never claimed to be a sub". On the other hand because i only claimed to be a bottom the tops i ran into wanted me to give them a script, tell them what to do to me. i don't actually work that way because, well, i'm not really just a bottom. In the end i found my Daddy and it no longer matters to me whether i am a bottom or a sub, only that i'm His.

Couldnt have said it better myself

 

[nh23]

Okay I am going to have to go back and reread this thread in entirety again. I think your comment is classic one liner NH23, I heard Dan Savage say almost the same thing in a podcast a few months ago and laughed heartily . It's a totally valid point in part , that's what makes it good, there is some truth there. Though to be fair, much of this integrates a considerable amount more than just 'fucking'. I simply don't see how we got 'there', here and now.

I am interested in ongoing discussions and other peoples views, or I wouldn't participate on the Board.

Edit to add after rereading : I still don't get where that came from , who is doing what to whom and where and why is it so affronting. I'm lost.

Now that is awesome.

edited to add..I my admiration for this is as a one-liner, I've just skimmed the rest of the thread.

Eh, I was just poking fun of Homburg a little bit..

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Eh, I was just poking fun of Homburg a little bit..

That went whoosh right over my head contextually then, oops.

I think because you preempted with "so I'm in a mood today" , I got an entirely different read and you hadn't quoted him directly, initially, to me it seemed out of the blue, provocative. I was struggling to identify a catalyst.

Thanks for taking the time to qualify Miss NH23

 

[Homburg]

Eh, I was just poking fun of Homburg a little bit..

Wait, you were poking fun at me and expected to get yelled at? What do you think this is, Ask Homburg's Cock?

 

[nh23]

That went whoosh right over my head contextually then, oops.

I think because you preempted with "so I'm in a mood today" , I got an entirely different read and you hadn't quote him directly, initially, to me it seemed out of the blue, provocative. I was struggling to identify a catalyst.

Thanks for taking the time to qualify Miss NH23

No problem. I guess it did look a little odd now that I look back at it..lol

Wait, you were poking fun at me and expected to get yelled at? What do you think this is, Ask Homburg's Cock?

 

[LilyBart]

For what it's worth, here's my take on this:

It doesn't sound to me like the OP is in a D/s relationship. Her partner asked if he could join in the shower, and later apologized for being "a bit selfish". Doesn't sound D/s to me, for reason that many of you have already stated.

Why then would the OP post this rant on a BDSM forum if she's not in a D/s relationship? Flash news: not everyone around here is in a D/s relationship, and not everyone around here is even interested in being in one. *points at self*.

As for the issue at stake here, I actually don't have much to offer. I've never been in that position, for the simple reason that I wouldn't suffer a partner who doesn't care to make me come. I don't keep track of who's coming and who's not, but I would also never let it get to a point where I'm systematically not being satisfied when i'm having sex. Say something. Not two days after the fact: right when you're still both naked, before he gets out of the shower of turns around to fall asleep. If your orgasm doesn't come to you (haha - orgasm, come... get it?), go to your orgasm.

What she said.

I also don't have much to offer as also am not interested in a D/s relationship, I just know that I am mostly a Top and frankly find the BDSM board more interesting overall. Most people here respond thoughtfully to questions - something that I don't always see on the GB or elsewhere.

That said, I also would not ask for permission to join my husband in the shower - but then the dynamic is a bit different here (for reference, just ask Homburg's C***. Even a bottom c*** doesn't always behave the way I want. ). But then, I rarely ask permission for anything.

On the other hand, I've also been married to the same man for over 20 years. In my own personal experience, we adapt to suit our partners (i.e. I was once a bottom, but now get off on the fact that my guy likes to wear my panties). But then again, the strength of our marriage really boils down to the fact that neither of us is afraid to get in the other one's face when our limits are tested.

Just my thoughts...FWIW

 

[Homburg]

As an aside, I utterly missed the permission to get into the shower thing. Feh for reading comprehension.

*sigh*