This was NOT what I meant by orgasm denial!

[LilyBart]

As an aside, I utterly missed the permission to get into the shower thing. Feh for reading comprehension.

*sigh*

You are awfully cute. For a sadistic bastard, that is.....

 

[myinnerslut]

You are awfully cute. For a sadistic bastard, that is.....

uh-oh! you called him cute.

 

[LilyBart]

uh-oh! you called him cute.

I know....I took my life in my hands.....it is late and I'm tired so not "in my game." as it were....

Sorry Homburg,,,,you are not cute. Not at all. In any way. Never. Ever. Ugh.....

 

[Homburg]

You are awfully cute. For a sadistic bastard, that is.....

!!!

I know....I took my life in my hands.....it is late and I'm tired so not "in my game." as it were....

Sorry Homburg,,,,you are not cute. Not at all. In any way. Never. Ever. Ugh.....

*narrows eyes*

I have my eye on you, Lilybart. Be thankful for mis' intercession.

*glares for good measure*

 

[LilyBart]

!!!



*narrows eyes*

I have my eye on you, Lilybart. Be thankful for mis' intercession.

*glares for good measure*

What?!!! Are you cute or not? Make up your fricken' mind!!!!

I still think you're cute. And you aren't even my type. Go figure.

 

[myinnerslut]

What?!!! Are you cute or not? Make up your fricken' mind!!!!

I still think you're cute. And you aren't even my type. Go figure.

he is cute. he just doesnt like to admit it

 

[LilyBart]

he is cute. he just doesn't like to admit it

I know....and really, this is just me Topping. He really is just a cuddly lil squishy teddy bear.

Ewww....I don't like the sound of that.....

*sigh*

 

[myinnerslut]

I know....and really, this is just me Topping. He really is just a cuddly lil squishy teddy bear.

Ewww....I don't like the sound of that.....

*sigh*

at least you have topping to use as an excuse. what im doing now is just impishness, late night, and a hint of bratty.

and i can see teddy bear, just not squishy.

 

[Homburg]

What?!!! Are you cute or not? Make up your fricken' mind!!!!

I still think you're cute. And you aren't even my type. Go figure.

he is cute. he just doesnt like to admit it

I know....and really, this is just me Topping. He really is just a cuddly lil squishy teddy bear.

Ewww....I don't like the sound of that.....

*sigh*

I turn my back on both of you.

*holds the hand up*

 

[myinnerslut]

I turn my back on both of you.

*holds the hand up*

did we scare him off???

 

[LilyBart]

I turn my back on both of you.

*holds the hand up*

Aww...come on...can I just give a little bitty ass-squeeze.....?

Ahem...I don't do that. Really. Sorta.......

 

[Caitlynne]

While there are a lot of people who come here and read and interact who aren't into BDSM and don't want to be, that still doesn't alter the fact that the OP is asking a question of people in a BDSM forum without stating one way or the other that she is or isn't in a BDSM relationship [although we can guess]. Why is that important? Well because some of us are going to respond with BDSM opinions. And let's not pretend that [BDSM] isn't a particular POV, because it is. Advice I would give to a friend who is vanilla will be entirely different than advice I'd give to someone into BDSM. Why? Because the nature of the relationships are just that different. And the advice I'd offer to this OP is predicated on whether or not she is submissive or vanilla.

It has nothing to do with whether or not there are people here who are into BDSM. It has everything to do with the kind of response you're gonna run into here. People can ask anything they want in here. No one is stopping them and there are no rules except the ones Manu & Laurel dictate. But odds are, your inquiry or plea for advice is gonna garner responses that have a BDSM slant to them.

**points to the name of the forum**

While it's certainly OK to post a vanilla relationship issue in here, let's not get bent out of shape because a few of us scratch our heads and wonder what the issue is. I automatically thought, well, so what. I don't get an orgasm for every time I give/am used for pleasure. I can't even imagine having that as some kind of entitlement. AND I really can't imagine complaining about not getting my orgasm [actually shudders at the idea]. That's me, and I know that is probably unique to me, but again, let's not pretend that some of us are going to see this issue as a [like Homburg said] are you submitting or not?

As to the orgasm denial.. that is another issue. In BDSM, orgasm denial can be a humbling experience and a reminder as to who serves who in a D/s relatinship. It can also make a girl value the orgasms she is allowed to have. You know what I mean?

As to vanilla relationships, I'll be honest, this tit for tat thing among equal partners gets tiresome. Sometimes you just want to get off. Not deal with it being a "you do me, then I'll do you". Sometimes it must feel good to a vanilla man to take his pleasure and walk away. Why make a big deal out of it, unless it is chronic. If vanillas are in a relationship where there is absolutely no pleasure ever, then deal with it.

I'm sorry, based on what we know [and I admit there may be more to the story, and if there is I will probably change this upcoming opinion], The guy was selfish once. He jumped in the shower, got off, and went to get dressed. It's not the end of the world. The guy doesn't fall into the 'asshole' category because he was selfish once. Or even twice.

Now chronic selfishnesses.. well that usually takes care of itself now doesn't it. No man can keep a woman if her needs aren't met one way or the other [and vice versa]. The key is to find partners with needs you want to meet. *shrugs* It's called compatibility.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I was just thinking how to would be like if my man asked me for permision to join me in the shower *LOL*

It would be like:
him - can I join you there??
me - awwwwww!! NO, you can't! D)

Damn that would be fun!! Sad he's not asking permisin for anything. I would like to piss him off now and then, it would be just fair.

I think I have a lil prob. When it comes to my erm "man" I am proper brat lately, but then again I have a good reasons for that I think.

*leaves mumbling something about men and toilet rooms*

 

[JMohegan]

If it isn't D/s, why post about it here? Seriously. My core assumption with the vast majority of posts is that the poster is speaking from a D/s standpoint, unless they say otherwise. No, not saying a non-D/s person can't post here, but, dead honest, why would you want to post about something like this unless it was a D/s thing? What good is the feedback you get if the folks you're getting it from are in circumstances VASTLY different than your own?

And to you people that are getting wound up over this, make sure you are dead clear in your negotiations that you don't actually want to submit control of your orgasm to your PYL. Negotiation is your friend, especially if you are expecting such a sharp restriction on the activities of the person you are supposed to be submitting to.

And whatever you do, don't get into a relationship with someone like me. While I can count on one hand the number of times I've done something like this is 15+ years, if I had a submissive whining about this, you can bet your ass it would become a regular thing.

I'm not trying to dump on people here, but, damn, submission is submission. If you aren't going to be focused on your PYL's need in preference to your own, call yourself a bottom, and leave the descriptor "submissive" to folks that submit. It ain't like you get a special badge for being a submissive over a bottom.

And, lemme tell ya, a lot of the "submissives" out there are anything but. They're bottoms, plain and simple. Frankly, if they got that fact, wow, life would be easier for em, IMO. For some reason, "submissive" is the hotness, and "bottom" is old and busted.

(The flip side of this is that a lot of dominants are tops or control freaks, not dominants, but that's a whole other can of worms.)

The "special badge" that submissives get is acceptance in the presumed cultural majority of many kink groups - including this one.

See, for example, your opening paragraph. Where should non-D/s tops and bottoms post?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not sure Homburg has a problem with Tops or bottoms posting, but more so was referring to why someone in a mainstream orientated relationship would come to a BDSM orientated board for advice on their relationship dynamics. It is sort of like going to someone who only speaks Chinese and asking them how to speak Russian correctly. And yet we do still get people from time to time posting such things here.

I am also with Fungi about posting in an appropriate manner when dealing with deeper relationship issues. I am part of a closed board for female pyl's only which is deemed the place for such things, but even there I am not comfortable posting things which could reflect badly on him, and so don't. No-one is perfect, but from the beginning of my education in thie lifestyle it was made clear that a big part of the dynamic was about respect, and as such you are careful how you word things so as not to place your SO in the position of being judged harshly or seen as questionable and seriously flawed. Sometimes you can diplomatically word it to ask for opinions and advice without outing your partner in such a vulnerable and revealing way....if not, then I would pass and find a more intimate and private way of seeking the answers needed. As Fungi said, put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if it were your dirty laundry being aired to the world at large and your character etc., held up for public judgement and sentencing (especially those who do not even realise they and/or their behaviour are being publicly discussed), often based on only one side of the story...I know it would do nothing for my self esteem/image or relationship to be placed in such a position.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

I'm not sure Homburg has a problem with Tops or bottoms posting, but more so was referring to why someone in a mainstream orientated relationship would come to a BDSM orientated board for advice on their relationship dynamics. It is sort of like going to someone who only speaks Chinese and asking them how to speak Russian correctly. And yet we do still get people from time to time posting such things here.

I'm sure Homburg has no problem with Tops & bottoms posting here.

The point of my rhetorical question was to highlight the fact that in an environment such as this one, non-D/s is often (though perhaps unintentionally) equated to non-BDSM.

 

[Homburg]

I'm sure Homburg has no problem with Tops & bottoms posting here.

The point of my rhetorical question was to highlight the fact that in an environment such as this one, non-D/s is often (though perhaps unintentionally) equated to non-BDSM.

*shrug*

Personally, when seeking feedback I tend to pick my audience in accord with the sort of feedback I am looking for. In line with my examples above, I don't go to a horse board for advice on my motorcycle, even if both are transportation. The inverse of this is likewise true. If I go to the horse board, ask a scoot question and get horse answers, I'm not going to be surprised.

My issue was not necessarily with the OP, it was more with some of the types of answers being given.

And, honestly, given that I identify myself primarily as a Top, and tend to not really get giggled up by D/s*, I'll say that I'm well aware that D/s does not encompass the entirety of BDSM.






* - I am in a 24/7 TPE M/s relationship. D/s has no place in my personal long-term relationship. When I play with others, it is a T/b thing, as I am not going to take the time to set up a persistent Dominance over them. D/s has no place in my temporary relationships.

I identify most commonly as a Top because that is how I am likely to interface with someone in a BDSM setting, assuming there is some sort of scene activity going on. I'm not going to identify as "Master" because that word only has meaning in relation to a person to whom I am "Master".

At which point, D/s, specifically, has no place in my life overall.

 

[intothewoods]

M/s doesn't fall under the D/s umbrella? I thought M/s was D/s without limits?

On an unrelated and not altogether serious note, please dear God no more analogies. I totally get it - I don't any more wacky examples involving parrots and motorcycles.

Honestly, I got that it wasn't DasinmaleDom/sasinfemalesub right away. As I understand from the later post, he's a switch and she leans submissive. But from the original post she could have been a Domme or a Top or ... anything, really. If this is where she goes to discuss relationships, maybe it makes sense to post here. It's where I go - because where the hell else can I say, gee, I want to go to a kink party but my PYL isn't into it ?? My vanilla friends would respond with, you want to go where???

 

[Homburg]

M/s doesn't fall under the D/s umbrella? I thought M/s was D/s without limits?

*shrug*

I see it as a bit different. D/s without limits is a bit simplistic. In saying "D/s specifically", I was attempting to draw distinction.

At this point, the whole discussion is so far down the semantics rabbithole as to be complete obfuscated.

It's where I go - because where the hell else can I say, gee, I want to go to a kink party but my PYL isn't into it ?? My vanilla friends would respond with, you want to go where???

My vanilla friends would understand a blowjob in the shower with no problems.

 

[JMohegan]

*shrug*

Personally, when seeking feedback I tend to pick my audience in accord with the sort of feedback I am looking for. In line with my examples above, I don't go to a horse board for advice on my motorcycle, even if both are transportation. The inverse of this is likewise true. If I go to the horse board, ask a scoot question and get horse answers, I'm not going to be surprised.

My issue was not necessarily with the OP, it was more with some of the types of answers being given.

And, honestly, given that I identify myself primarily as a Top, and tend to not really get giggled up by D/s*, I'll say that I'm well aware that D/s does not encompass the entirety of BDSM.






* - I am in a 24/7 TPE M/s relationship. D/s has no place in my personal long-term relationship. When I play with others, it is a T/b thing, as I am not going to take the time to set up a persistent Dominance over them. D/s has no place in my temporary relationships.

I identify most commonly as a Top because that is how I am likely to interface with someone in a BDSM setting, assuming there is some sort of scene activity going on. I'm not going to identify as "Master" because that word only has meaning in relation to a person to whom I am "Master".

At which point, D/s, specifically, has no place in my life overall.

I would definitely say that you are "well aware that D/s does not encompass the entirety of BDSM" too. From the bio you have posted on this board, your long-standing marriage turned kinky a few years at the suggestion of your wife, and was further altered a few months ago to a dynamic reflecting your view of M/s. You Top others outside the marriage with rope, and have been clear to make a distinction between the two.

I wasn't commenting on you or your relationships, Homburg. The point of my post was to address your comment: "It ain't like you get a special badge for being a submissive over a bottom."

 

[intothewoods]

*shrug*

I see it as a bit different. D/s without limits is a bit simplistic. In saying "D/s specifically", I was attempting to draw distinction.

At this point, the whole discussion is so far down the semantics rabbithole as to be complete obfuscated.

Is there a parrot in the rabbithole?

My vanilla friends would understand a blowjob in the shower with no problems.

Some of mine would. Some others would say, eww, why are you talking to me about blowjobs?

 

[Homburg]

I would definitely say that you are "well aware that D/s does not encompass the entirety of BDSM" too. From the bio you have posted on this board, your long-standing marriage turned kinky a few years at the suggestion of your wife, and was further altered a few months ago to a dynamic reflecting your view of M/s. You Top others outside the marriage with rope, and have been clear to make a distinction between the two.

I wasn't commenting on you or your relationships, Homburg. The point of my post was to address your comment: "It ain't like you get a special badge for being a submissive over a bottom."

Gotcha, JM. I guess I find it snobbish. Bottom should not have to claim to be a submissive for acceptance. I know that I've said many times better an honest bottom than a wannabe submissive. I feel like there is a sort of wierd cultural bias against those who simply want to play and don't want to submit. I don't really get it. Honestly accepting my wants and limitations is, to me, preferable to callow attempts to be what someone else thinks I should be.

And, again being very forthright here at the cost of likely pissing people off, I can't tell you how many times I've talked to someone that was unhappy in their current relationship, and my personal take on it was that there was fundamental disconnect between the style they preferred, and that of their SO.

ETA: It's been about seven years since she made the suggestion. I'd stated incorrectly in previous posts. It's not germane here, but seeing as how some people pay attention to these things, I figured I'd post the clarification. I figured it out looking over some old stuff that I'd found.

----

Is there a parrot in the rabbithole?

I doubt that, parrots and rabbits being natural enemies in the wild.

Some of mine would. Some others would say, eww, why are you talking to me about blowjobs?

Really? That would make the discussion more fun in my eyes.

In my case though, most of my friends are either male, or kinky females, and the female, non-kinky friends tend to be raw enough to not mind talking about those sorts of things.

 

[ownedsubgal]

hmm, have read the whole thread (poor me), and i just have to say...i don't get it. even in my vanilla, never heard of the "lifestyle", days of yore, i can't see myself complaining about or even finding anything irritating or unusual about the situation described by the OP. two people fool around...guy cums...it's done. that pretty much would have been the definition of sex in my book.

as far as the orgasm denial thing, it doesn't sound to me like that was the case at all and it was more a case of him wanting to get off at that moment and that's the end of it...which is a perfectly normal, ordinary, non-eyebrow raising occurence for pretty much every man, vanilla, Dom, blue, green, yellow. what's the big whoop?

also as others have said, i'm confused as heck as to why this was posted on a BDSM-D/s oriented forum.

 

[FungiUg]

Me, I don't care what label they pick. Yes, I'd prefer some link between the question and "BDSM" (as an umbrella term) because this is a BDSM forum. But that's about it. Labels are always incomplete and misleading, although a handy reference/starting point.

Having said that, I would call myself dominant by Hamburg's definition because I am into the D/s. But even then I am only "a Dominant" under certain circumstances and with selected people.

So... labels are an interesting starting point, but they hardly define the person. They're just a description of one part of a person. If you identify with a label, then fine... me, I think it's just a label.

I guess some people are more into the whole semantics side than I am. Me, I'm more interested in the people, and the interaction is always unique. How do labels cover that? Half the time I see people too busy trying to be a label just to work on being themselves instead. So semantics might be interesting, but beside the point from my perspective.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't see the issue here as semantics, e.g., submissive vs. bottom.

The question is: Should kinky people, whose relationships do not involve overt power dynamics, post rants or questions about their relationship issues on this board?

Leaving aside the issue of whether rants in general are appropriate, my answer: Yes, of course.