What do you tell the kids

[leeroy jenkins]

This may come as a shock to some of you...

OUR KIDS REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!



Seriously, if I were i the situation of having to explain the marks left on my partner, all I would do is say that's it's from the intimate things we do as a couple and that we both consent to it. Nothing more, nothing less really needs to be said in this matter.

And no, Leeroy. I would NOT think it would be appropriate of me to advocate a lifestyle choice to my children. On the contrary, I think it's rather irresponsible. I think kids are under enough pressure today to experiment with their sexuality. I doubt they need their parents to pressure them anymore as well.

And yes, this subject hits a nerve with me at times.

It would be irresponsible to a parent to push their kids one way or another, no wait that happens all the time. This could be a case of the parent living through the kid's life. O'Mac I am not talking about pressure but a frank discussion about bdsm, if you can have a frank discussion about sex then why not something sexual.

 

[O'Mac]

It would be irresponsible to a parent to push their kids one way or another, no wait that happens all the time.

True, but just because it happens all the time, that still doesn't make it right.

This could be a case of the parent living through the kid's life. O'Mac I am not talking about pressure but a frank discussion about bdsm, if you can have a frank discussion about sex then why not something sexual.

Firstly, in my opinion a frank discussion about sex is about first informing our kids of the dangers of STDs, the risks involved in youth pregnancy, and the affects of peer pressure on sexuality. The health and wellbeing of our children must have the highest emphasis. As for talking about particulars, yes, I would then tell them that sex is enjoyable (and all the more enjoyable when it's with the right person), and that most sexual desires are natural or common. Why would they need to know anything else. Once they know which activities could be harmful and which are relatively safe, they can make up their own minds. Again, I would neither advocate nor argue against BDSM or any other sexual kink for that matter.

 

[Chicklet]

I am going to assume that all of you have or will talk to your kids about sex at some point. Lets say after your kids become adults would you ever talk about bdsm or let them find it on their own. Given the fact that you have found so much joy and pleasure in it yourselves would you tell them about it so they too might share some of that joy?? I have way to much time at work to think this stuff up.

I would let my children find their kinks on their own. If they brought it up to me, in form of a question or comment, about what did I think or had I ever experienced this or that, I would do my best to get them the information they needed to explore their interests safely. Maybe happen to "forget" one of my books in a shared room, for instance, if they didn't want to talk about it openly with me.

I think the most important thing I would do would be to take anything they asked or said seriously. My mom laughed at me when I mentioned an interest in BDSM. For years afterwards, and still, she made jokes at my expense about it (not funny jokes. hurtful ones) and tells me how terrible what she knows about my sex life is. And believe me, she doesn't know much

 

[Chicklet]

...I would never presume to tell anyone else how to raise their children.

I agree with this, BUT, I definitely wouldn't mind having a debate or a conversation about the subject, exchanging views and opinions. I wouldn't tell someone how they HAD to raise their children, but I'd try to make my point known.

Sort of like what this thread seems like to me - just a discussion and argument for our own opinions.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

I think the most important thing I would do would be to take anything they asked or said seriously. My mom laughed at me when I mentioned an interest in BDSM. For years afterwards, and still, she made jokes at my expense about it (not funny jokes. hurtful ones) and tells me how terrible what she knows about my sex life is. And believe me, she doesn't know much

I luck out in this area, I am sure no one in my adopted family would understand my desires or needs for BDSM, but they would not laugh at me for it. I really think it would frighten them more then anything. I am going to have to see my sister soon and this will be a topic up for discussion.

Chicklet do you have any good general topic bdsm books that you would suggest??

 

[graceanne]

I am going to assume that all of you have or will talk to your kids about sex at some point. Lets say after your kids become adults would you ever talk about bdsm or let them find it on their own. Given the fact that you have found so much joy and pleasure in it yourselves would you tell them about it so they too might share some of that joy?? I have way to much time at work to think this stuff up.

No. If they lean that way they'll find out about it all by themselves. And quite frankly, I would be very surprised if they want to know that much about my sex life. As O'Mac said:

OUR KIDS REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!

This is so true. I grew up in a house that was relatively open about sex. My parents were divorced and remarried and so we knew they were having sex, cause they were always kissing and stuff. Quite frankly just the kissing grossed us out, any more than that would have had us running from the room, hands over our ears screaming. lol

My oldest and I have talked about sex. She knows what it is, she knows me and K do it. Heck she even knows it's fun. (That's a funny story - she asked me out of the blue - do you like having sex? My husband almost fell over. ) But since that conversation, she hasn't brought it up. I think she really doesn't want to know, and I dont' answer questions that are not asked.

 

[gingermango]

My parents were open enough about the issues O'Mac has raised concerning sex: STDs, pregnancy, and waiting until I felt emotionally strong and stable enough (e.g., past puberty!) to share intimate moments as part of a relationship. That was pretty much it, aside from nuts & bolts issues about anatomy or questions about birth control that we might have had. They never went into details about sexual kinks or quirks at all, leaving me to discover my own kinks as I grew up. Frankly, that's pretty much how Goddess and I expect to deal with these issues in our household. Our older daughter is 10 1/2. Goddess tells me she started menstruaing at 11 and there are already some girls in our daughter's class at school who do too, so these matters hit a nerve with me as well.

Let our kids discover themselves - their likes, their dislikes, what is "right" or "wrong" to them FOR THEMSELVES, just as many of the rest of us did. As others have said, if at 18 our daughter comes home from her first year in college and makes jokes about bondage, I'm sure Goddess will manage to "drop" a book about proper rope tying in her room just to be safe, and if we are ever confronted with serious questions we will answer seriously and matter-of-factly, leaving out personal experiences and anecdotes to the extent possible. But I cannot honestly expect to sit down with my kids and explain our 24/7 lifestyle choice and thereby put some kind of pressure on them to conform to it, however subconscious.

 

[His_pita]

My daughter, who is 14 now, and I have always had a great relationship where sex could be freely discussed. I was concerned when I moved us in with my Dom on how we would handle our D/s. I think we have tried to be respectful of her while still maintaining our freedom to play.

We live in a three-bedroom apartment and one of the rooms is our computer/playroom. In this room besides the two desks holding our computers, is a spanking bench my Dom made, a hook in the ceiling with a long white rope hanging from it. There is a small shelf on the wall that holds my cuffs and locks, a belt, leather gloves, a knife and my training collar. Under this shelf there hangs 4 floggers and a crop. The room has tasteful nudes and one wall is covered in mirrors. Not your ordinary office space. LOL.

My kid comes in here freely and really shows little interest in any of the stuff. She did once ask me what the rope was while she was sitting on the spanking bench. I just looked pointedly at her and after a minute light dawned and a loud, EWWWWWWWWW came out. She calls me a freak, often swats my ass, and tells me, “Mom put some damn underwear on!” Such a little prude!!.

Then there was the time we were walking out of Pier One and she informed us that we should try to keep the spanking down a little. Sounds of me squealing, “Daddy that hurts!” made her turn up her TV. Yeah, we were embarrassed by that and have since tried to be much more careful. It is now summer break for her and our playtime has been cut drastically. We do things more quietly now. More breath play then caning. More vanilla sex then suspended as I’m being whipped. It’s ok though since that is the price one pays for being a parent. Plus, in a another month she is going on vacation to see her dad and my Dom is taking me to a secluded cabin in the mountains, where he has promised to make it all up to me. Mmmmm might even find subspace at long last.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

My daughter, who is 14 now, and I have always had a great relationship where sex could be freely discussed. I was concerned when I moved us in with my Dom on how we would handle our D/s. I think we have tried to be respectful of her while still maintaining our freedom to play.

We live in a three-bedroom apartment and one of the rooms is our computer/playroom. In this room besides the two desks holding our computers, is a spanking bench my Dom made, a hook in the ceiling with a long white rope hanging from it. There is a small shelf on the wall that holds my cuffs and locks, a belt, leather gloves, a knife and my training collar. Under this shelf there hangs 4 floggers and a crop. The room has tasteful nudes and one wall is covered in mirrors. Not your ordinary office space. LOL.

My kid comes in here freely and really shows little interest in any of the stuff. She did once ask me what the rope was while she was sitting on the spanking bench. I just looked pointedly at her and after a minute light dawned and a loud, EWWWWWWWWW came out. She calls me a freak, often swats my ass, and tells me, “Mom put some damn underwear on!” Such a little prude!!.

Then there was the time we were walking out of Pier One and she informed us that we should try to keep the spanking down a little. Sounds of me squealing, “Daddy that hurts!” made her turn up her TV. Yeah, we were embarrassed by that and have since tried to be much more careful. It is now summer break for her and our playtime has been cut drastically. We do things more quietly now. More breath play then caning. More vanilla sex then suspended as I’m being whipped. It’s ok though since that is the price one pays for being a parent. Plus, in a another month she is going on vacation to see her dad and my Dom is taking me to a secluded cabin in the mountains, where he has promised to make it all up to me. Mmmmm might even find subspace at long last.

Pita it sounds like you have found a balance while still taking care of the needs of each one in your household. This is almost what I was talking about when I asked about having a discussion on bdsm, you haven't talked about it but your daughter if so desired she could look at and play a bit with your guys toys. I am not saying she would flog herself but she could twirl it around and get the feel for it, that is if the mood struck her. Thank you for sharing and that goes for everyone too, I just put this up to spark some discussion from all you parental units.

 

[John Doe]

OMG I actually agree with Stup on something.

I never lied to my kids, but sometimes i gave minimal information at a level I thought they could cope with.

Once the hear you having sex and then commenting om what they heard, all lies become pointless.

Yeah. I don't have any kids, but I would think that's the way to go, especially if they start asking questions. Tell them just what you think they can handle at thier age and stage of development, otherwise anything more would either go over thier heads or be misconstrued. It's like the law of conservation.

I remember this one time when I and my brother were very young and they told us at school that you shouldn't drink and drive. Well, when we saw our dad drinking and driving we were like "Dad, they said at school you're not supposed to do that!" And he said, "Guys, it's okay. It's just coffee." And they had to explain to us the difference between alcoholic drinks and other beverages.

 

[ImSkye]

I like the last line of this post.

Its impossible to tell other people how to bring up their children and be right about it.

I admire you for bringing up two children who were older than cute babies when you got them. That can't always be easy.

If only children arrived with blue prints on how to handle each stage of their lives it would be much easier.
I am nearly 40 and my parents still struggle to figure out what to say to me

Thanks!

Skye

 

[ownedsubgal]

I was thinking about one of the gals I went with to Tucson walking home tonight from the store. She did some of the fire play stuff and her kid say the after effects of it. I am not quite sure how she explained the injury to the kid. So I ask the parents that post here what do you or would you tell your kids about why mommy and daddy are hurt. Is this a time where being less then truthful with your sons and daughters is ok??

*bumping an oldie but goodie*


as others have said, what you share depends on the age of the kids in question. also i would say it depends on the nature of your dynamic and of the scenarios which cause the bruises/marks/injuries in the first place. whether it's play, punishment, scening, etc. i don't think it'd be appropriate to tell a young (under 16) kid anything even hinting of sexual or erotic activity, that could put the idea in their heads as it may be something fun to try and then you'll have a little underaged experimenter on your hands.

it's very rare that my Master's son sees any significant marks on my body or notices an injury, but when he does we just make up some story to explain it, usually involve my being clumsy. he is aware though that i am physically punished/beaten, but we don't want him to be aware of the extent, how severe it can be, and have him worried or questioning. when he was very young (5) he walked in on me being beaten once, and quickly accepted the simple answer that i had misbehaved and was being punished. he received spankings for discipline at the time himself, so it made sense to him.

now if you have an older teen or adult child that is different, if they ask about it maybe you can be a bit more forthright and honest. but if the answer involves sex, i agree with those who've said they probably don't really wanna know.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Good bump.

It's interesting how very different my 2 girls are. My oldest is 21 and lives out on her own. She and I have always had a very open relationship where we talk about whatever interests her. She knows she can ask me anything and I'll give her an honest answer - always age appropriate when she was younger, but now, a complete answer. And we have had some straight, serious discussions about sex - not in the abstract but direct questions about what each of us likes and do, etc. Not full detail, but pretty open. She even tries to introduce me to men she thinks I'll like, and I've taken her to a couple of toy parties.

Bratgirl is almost 14 and still at home full time with me. She is much more easily embarassed by things, very modest, and really doesn't want to even go there. She's not interested in talking about sex at all, and can't imagine the idea of mom having a sex life. It took her a couple years after my divorce to even think it was okay for mom to date. We've had the 'necessary' discussions, and I will talk about sex whether she wants to hear it or not, but I respect the fact that it embarasses her so I don't go into any details that would bother her. But I'm also not going to treat sex like it is some bad thing or taboo subject just because it makes her uncomfortable, either.

I'm very relaxed and casual about most of it in that I don't believe in any subject being taboo. If your kids want to know about something and you aren't willing to fill in the blanks for them, their friends certainly won't hesitate. I'd much rather my girls hear about it first from me, or at least get clarification/input from me, no matter the topic. I have several BDSM and D/s books that are displayed on my bookshelves in the living room with all my other books. And all books are available to anyone who wants to read them, no censoring in my house.

All that said, there are no sleepovers at my house when Bratgirl is at home. In fact, in the 2 years I've been in the city, I've only had one sleepover at my house when she wasn't at home. We did live with someone for about 4 months, but knew it was a temporary situation going into it when I first moved to the city. It was a little weird for her at first, but she accepted it pretty well. So bedroom noises have never really been a problem. I try to make sure when I'm in a relationship that marks are kept to under-clothing areas as much as possible. But I bruise easily, so sometimes bruises appear. Usually, Bratgirl doesn't even notice. I think she's only asked about a mark once and my response was that I didn't know where I got it. She accepted that easily because of the way I bruise.

The interesting thing about Bratgirl being so embarassed about frank talk is that she has a very open mind about things like sexual orientation, inter-racial dating, and fetish dress. She's met several of my lifestyle friends in a variety of pairings and has welcomed them all with open arms. She can talk frankly about THEIR proclivities, she just doesn't want to talk about mine or her own thoughts.

 

[celticsunspiral]

Truth

Putting my .02 worth in.

I have a 17 soon to be 18 year old daughter. When my SO and I had an active sex life we tried to keep the noise down (I can be quite vocal) or waited for nights when she was not home. Since I am in a vanilla relationship with a little kink marks have not been a problem. She had heard us on occasion and made comments, really I think she was very embarrased.

However, we have a very open relationship. She told me on the day she tried smoking on the bus in middle school, when she took pills at her middle school graduation, when she has gotten drunk. She told me about her first attempted kiss and her first girl on girl touching. We have and do talk openly about bisexuality, masterbation, trimming public hair, etc. She knows I will not freak out, that I will tell her what I think without condeming her, that safety is my first concern. I understand experimenting I did plenty and not quite as safely or smartly as she does.

I don't know how much I will tell her or if she will ask when finally I am able to be in the type of relationship I see my self in. But I won't lie. How can I expect her as a blooming adult to come to Mom when things happen if I hide things from her? She does not feel comfortable talking with her father about these things. Children need someone they can talk with that will be open and honest.

 

[intothewoods]

I can be open and honest with my kid without spilling the details of my sex life. As far as I'm concerned, it's my private life and not his business. I would like to have future children, and the same thing will go for them. I'm not their friend. I'm their mother.

My PYL and I do not live together, so things are fairly cut and dry, separate, easy. If we get married, we will have to figure out hiding the toys (not so hard - not all that many) and the noise. We've talked about a few ideas already on how to accomplish that.

Although I don't think anything I do in the bedroom is wrong, I will not be discussing it with my children in any detail because it's private, it's none of their business, and as a previous poster said, they don't want to know.

 

[SpicyPepper]

True, but just because it happens all the time, that still doesn't make it right.


Firstly, in my opinion a frank discussion about sex is about first informing our kids of the dangers of STDs, the risks involved in youth pregnancy, and the affects of peer pressure on sexuality. The health and wellbeing of our children must have the highest emphasis. As for talking about particulars, yes, I would then tell them that sex is enjoyable (and all the more enjoyable when it's with the right person), and that most sexual desires are natural or common. Why would they need to know anything else. Once they know which activities could be harmful and which are relatively safe, they can make up their own minds. Again, I would neither advocate nor argue against BDSM or any other sexual kink for that matter.

I strongly dislike speaking to children about sex like it's something astringent, or antiseptic. Sex is a wonderful thing, especially when it's with the right person and the best we can do is educate them.
I remember having some pretty honest questions for my mother when she gave me the "talk" and while she taught me about safety, she talked to me about other things as well, like making love.
Absolutely kids need to know about sex safety, STD's and proper protection, but they need to know about the actual act of sex as well.
If my kids are getting a sex education at school, I know it's going to be strictly STD's, the pill, condoms and the penis goes into the vagina.
I want my kids to be more educated than that. Why can't we, as parents, give them a premise to work from that goes beyond "penis in vagina"?
I don't find discussing this strange or embarrassing, especially not with my child.
I won't push kink or BDSM on them, but I'll give them the information that I have that's available so they can make their own choices.
Remember that old adage, "there's no such thing as a stupid question"? I would be more than willing to answer any question truthfully (and propriety according to age) even if it's about my sex life.
Where do they think these answers come from anyway? Obviously it's from experience.
I once asked my mom if she masturbated. She said, "not really, that's what I have your dad for."
While I hope to be a little more informative about it when it comes time for me to answer this same question to my daughter, I thought it was a funny answer.

I think our children deserve to grow up with healthy attitudes towards sex, and not being as open and honest about it with them as we can, takes away from that.
Safety first, of course, but I won't hold back details if they're asking...

 

[ownedsubgal]

i know many are focusing on the sex life, and of course that's really not a child's business. but what about the relationship dynamic itself? how do you explain being "different" from the other kids' parents (i.e. why you have to ask Daddy permission to do anything just like they do, why you're scolded/reprimanded/punished, etc.)?

 

[FurryFury]

I don't see how having that dynamic OUT in front of the kids can lead to anything good for them our anything good for YOUR relationship with them. If you are doing to do that sort of thing in front of them, all I can think of is that you and Daddy need to be honest with them.

One area that needs to be defined is your authority, if any, over the kids. Daddy needs to make it clear that they should respect you and what you say. That's going to be confusing and difficult if he is treating you like a inferior or child in their eyes.

If you have no authority over the kids, hopefully Daddy still makes it clear they are to respect you.

 

[BeachGurl2]

i know many are focusing on the sex life, and of course that's really not a child's business. but what about the relationship dynamic itself? how do you explain being "different" from the other kids' parents (i.e. why you have to ask Daddy permission to do anything just like they do, why you're scolded/reprimanded/punished, etc.)?

I'm with FF on this. His scolding/reprimanding/punishing you in front of the kids isn't a good thing, because it can take away all respect and any authority you have over them. Compare it to an employee being reprimanded in front of his co-workers for making a mistake. Not good business practice.

While it may not be your job to parent his child, the child has obviously not been treating you with any kind of respect (from the other thread). And now his treatment makes a little more sense if this is what is happening. So if he is going to do this sort of thing in front of the kids, I would agree that he would have to explain the dynamic to them. But even then, if you have no authority over his son as you've explained elsewhere, I'm just not sure that his explanation will do any good. The damage has been done, and frankly, I'd be concerned about continuing problems with his son, problems bigger than him just walking in on you.

That's just my 2 cents. Maybe someone else will have a better suggestion.

 

[intothewoods]

I also don't agree that it's at all good for a kid. Not a good lesson on how to treat women. But if you're set on not hiding the dynamic, I would sit the kid down and say, there are many kinds of romantic relationships. This is what works for us, and it is just between us. When you grow up, you and your partner/gfriend/whatever can decide what works for you.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

I have two small spawn.. 7 and 11, and while I haven't specifically had *the talk* with them, I'm not unwilling to discuss the topic of sex with them. Biggest problem I have is the oldest has ADHD and Asperger's and sometimes it's difficult to determine what is age appropriate as the chronological age doesn't match the mental age. The school has begun this, and I will finish it.

Now as for how do I explain any marks or injuries to them? Simple. I'm not normally the one wearing the marks. Hehehe.. They have been present while I have had male subs around. What they see is affection and tenderness and their mother being waited on and catered to.

They have questioned a few of the whips that I've brought into the house as they have been present at the unloading, but a simple.. "it's mommy's" seems to have satisfied them.

Will I steer them in the direction of BDSM? No. I won't steer them away from it either. If they have questions I will answer them, but I won't force it on them.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I don't see how having that dynamic OUT in front of the kids can lead to anything good for them our anything good for YOUR relationship with them. If you are doing to do that sort of thing in front of them, all I can think of is that you and Daddy need to be honest with them.

One area that needs to be defined is your authority, if any, over the kids. Daddy needs to make it clear that they should respect you and what you say. That's going to be confusing and difficult if he is treating you like a inferior or child in their eyes.

If you have no authority over the kids, hopefully Daddy still makes it clear they are to respect you.

well the basic nature of our relationship has been explained to him a while back, also it's all very logical and natural for him as he's grown up in a M/s household all his life. problems in that area didn't really develop until he started comparing his household to that of his friends', wondering why everyone wasn't like us or why we weren't like everyone else. but he understands at this point that it's a dynamic his Dad and i chose because it works best for us, it isn't necessarily right for others, etc. i was really just curious about other folks who may be in the same boat, being D/s or M/s with kids in the house.

the respect thing i will admit is an issue, but i'm blaming that on his age, as up until the last year or so he was a lil sweetie with me. as a slave i have no authority over him of course, but Daddy has made it very clear that he cannot speak to me rudely, order me around, etc.

as far as some feeling that such a dynamic shouldn't be "out" in front of children, i'm really not sure how one could avoid that. it'd be like attempting to hide your religion, or your culture in your own home. imo if you have a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship, then there is no reason to hide the nature of it, as if there is something dirty or bad about the lifestyle. now of course you don't break out the cage and strap in front of the kids, but that goes without saying.

 

[BeachGurl2]

as far as some feeling that such a dynamic shouldn't be "out" in front of children, i'm really not sure how one could avoid that. it'd be like attempting to hide your religion, or your culture in your own home. imo if you have a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship, then there is no reason to hide the nature of it, as if there is something dirty or bad about the lifestyle. now of course you don't break out the cage and strap in front of the kids, but that goes without saying.

What I was talking about was the discipline issue. I'm going to assume that you don't spend your day naked on a leash with the offspring around. Obviously, if you have to ask permission, you ask permission. But does he reprimand you in public? Like in the grocery store or a restaurant? Does he use physical discipline in public? I'm just curious, OSG. That would be an aspect I wouldn't have in front of my kids, no matter how much explanation you gave them. No matter the lifestyle, that's just traumatic for them.

 

[ownedsubgal]

What I was talking about was the discipline issue. I'm going to assume that you don't spend your day naked on a leash with the offspring around. Obviously, if you have to ask permission, you ask permission. But does he reprimand you in public? Like in the grocery store or a restaurant? Does he use physical discipline in public? I'm just curious, OSG. That would be an aspect I wouldn't have in front of my kids, no matter how much explanation you gave them. No matter the lifestyle, that's just traumatic for them.

he's certainly not traumatized in any way, again he's been raised in a M/s household all his life, it's all pretty normal to him. yes i am verbally reprimanded in public and around the kid, but then he's reprimanded in front of me so i figure we're even on that count. at times i'm physically disciplined in public, but never when t. is with us. he is aware that i am physically disciplined and punished at times, he often knows/senses the tension in the house when i have something like that coming to me. but he is certainly not a witness to it, or to the aftermath (tears, significant bruises, etc.), nor is he aware of the extent.

 

[FurryFury]

Each to their own and all that. I hope you, the kid and Daddy are all happy and secure in your relationship dynamics. I don't see a M/s relationship as remotely like a religion but rather, more like sex, i.e. something I feel a need to share with the kids or, for that matter most others in my RL.

I understand it's is a lifestyle too. I still wouldn't expose my kids directly to this lifestyle or my sex life. I'd expect it to be pretty confusing to them if I did.

The key element here is that I've seen what happens when the bio / legal parent undermines respect of the partner (of any sort) with the kids. It's usually a pretty bad thing for all concerned.

If Daddy is keeping the respect boundary clear, that should help. Teenagers and adolescents go through phases but usually if respect is there all around and communication is open and caring it will all work out.

That's just my experience, and observations of life so far. Your mileage may vary of course.