What made you laugh your ass off today?

[Saucyminx]

*snip*

You know you're a teacher if...


18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."

I wasn't a teacher but i was a librarian and i used to get "oh so you just read to the children then?" So thank you, this gave me quite the giggle.

AND a huge thank you to the Q-ster for finally making me laugh my ass off today. Kudos big daddy--its been a few days since i've had a belly laugh. Perfection as always.

 

[Quoll]

I wasn't a teacher but i was a librarian and i used to get "oh so you just read to the children then?" So thank you, this gave me quite the giggle.

AND a huge thank you to the Q-ster for finally making me laugh my ass off today. Kudos big daddy--its been a few days since i've had a belly laugh. Perfection as always.

You're welcome minxster.
Look I drawed you something cute.

 

[Sarojaede]

You know you're a teacher if...



3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."

I've gone beyond wanting to slap them to wanting to stab them.

/sigh

But the list did make me chuckle.

 

[Phaedre]

You know you're a teacher if...

Thank you I needed a laugh and those are hilarious and oh so true. ;-)

 

[Saucyminx]

You're welcome minxster.
Look I drawed you something cute.

Hee hee--hey, can you box that up? i have someone on my xmas list that would be perfect for. . . .

 

[TBKahuna123]

So my wife and I were out shopping and I found this stuffed moose that was chocolate scented. I was intrigued and sure enough, it smelled like chocolate. So I said hey honey, smell this. She distractedly took the moose, turned it around and sniffed it's ass. Now I'm dying, on the verge of wetting myself in the middle of the toy aisle. She said, "What? it smells like chocolate?"

God I love my wife!

 

[Quoll]

So my wife and I were out shopping and I found this stuffed moose that was chocolate scented. I was intrigued and sure enough, it smelled like chocolate. So I said hey honey, smell this. She distractedly took the moose, turned it around and sniffed it's ass. Now I'm dying, on the verge of wetting myself in the middle of the toy aisle. She said, "What? it smells like chocolate?"

God I love my wife!

LMFAO

 

[Quoll]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the Bartender here?”

 

[Quoll]

Womens Prayer
As you lay me down two mate,
don’t prematurely ejaculate.
but if you cum before I do,
I pray your tongue will see me through.

 

[bobsgirl]

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

I saw these on another site.

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

 

[Quoll]

I'm sure this one has been done before but I'm nothing if not redundant.


21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

——————————————————————————–

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

 

[Saucyminx]

I'm sure this one has been done before but I'm nothing if not redundant.


21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

——————————————————————————–

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Things overheard at my in-laws Christmas Party this year:

What do you mean to do with that duct tape, dull rusty blade, and lighter fluid???

 

[wicked woman]

Womens Prayer
As you lay me down two mate,
don’t prematurely ejaculate.
but if you cum before I do,
I pray your tongue will see me through.

ah quoll you sweetie

 

[Quoll]

Things overheard at my in-laws Christmas Party this year:

What do you mean to do with that duct tape, dull rusty blade, and lighter fluid???

Aaah how sweet, dinner by candle light, it's sort of a Basic Instinct isn't it.

 

[Saucyminx]

Aaah how sweet, dinner by candle light, it's sort of a Basic Instinct isn't it.

Well since i rarely wear panties anyway. . .

I was at the store today and this little boy (i'd say like 2 ish) was belting Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs. It was incredibly cute, and only slightly annoying, so i went over and said, "Wow, that was the best version of Jingle Bells i ever heard!"

To which he replied "I'm a scary monster."

His mother nearly wet herself, because i did look to her for confirmation that that was what he actually said, and she nodded.

So i said, "um, ok." and walked off shaking my head.

 

[Quoll]

12 days of Litmas.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Well since i rarely wear panties anyway. . .

It is always a party when Saucy's around, isn't it?

 

[Wankia]

 

[Nightbird]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something

wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted

to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local health club

for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my

college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good

idea to go ahead and give it a try.



I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim

wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .





MONDAY



Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found

it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find

Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -

with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo

Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She

took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was

alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to

standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed

watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!




TUESDAY



I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar

into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel

GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.




WEDNESDAY



The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush

on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I

believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as

long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO

in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her

voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when

she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on

the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda

told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said

some other shit too.




THURSDAY



Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed

as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I

couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to

tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When

she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent

Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY



I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever

hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,

skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my

body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with

it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me

the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone

softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?



SATURDAY



Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just

hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and

ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY



I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can

go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that

next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is

fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Last night my wife went out to get a drink in the kitchen while I waited in the bedroom. She came in and said, "what are you screaming about? I couldn't hear what you wanted." I just stared at hear and told her I wasn't saying anything. She said I sounded excited. I repeated I hadn't said anything.

Then it dawned on us and we both looked in the direction of the basement bedroom where my in-laws were sleeping. I guess the mystery of why my mother in law has been so pleasant this weekend has been solved.

 

[pleasteasme]

How did they get 'em sooo pointy????

 

[Leah57]

How did they get 'em sooo pointy????

Starch.... lots and LOTS of starch!!!

 

[rosebud5446]

So my wife and I were out shopping and I found this stuffed moose that was chocolate scented. I was intrigued and sure enough, it smelled like chocolate. So I said hey honey, smell this. She distractedly took the moose, turned it around and sniffed it's ass. Now I'm dying, on the verge of wetting myself in the middle of the toy aisle. She said, "What? it smells like chocolate?"

God I love my wife!

HAHAHAHA!!!

 

[Saucyminx]

It is always a party when Saucy's around, isn't it?

It is--champagne anyone?

 

[pleasteasme]

I'll take a refill, Saucy


I'm not sure which was more enjoyable today: Watching Robin William's Live On Broadway DVD or giving my dogs baths and watching them haul ass around the house to dry off.