What made you laugh your ass off today?
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ArchLady03
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This... I want a dog like this! 
NippleMuncher
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This... I want a dog like this!
Very enjoyable, and quite timely, considering St. Patty's day is just around the corner.
NippleMuncher
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Where the hell are you when I have to beat silverwhisper with a stick for arguing about using proper engrish when posting to forums.
bailadora
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Spew Alert!
"English, Irish and Scottish Golfer's wives" joke
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball on the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and Says, "Well, fer the love' O Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/English_Irish_and#ixzz1p31uoziS
"English, Irish and Scottish Golfer's wives" joke
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball on the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and Says, "Well, fer the love' O Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/English_Irish_and#ixzz1p31uoziS
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bobsgirl
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^^Baila's joke.
Also, I had a nice, little chuckle anticipating the responses when that douche opened up a second wants-to-fuck-his-sister thread.
Okay, you're forcing me to go find it, for the sheer entertainment factor.
NippleMuncher
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Okay, you're forcing me to go find it, for the sheer entertainment factor.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=802034
I started a top 10 ways for him. I got to 7 and thought I'd leave a few for the rest of you.
bobsgirl
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This will be my evening's entertainment. LOL
Nightbird
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satindesire
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Exerpts from "Shit My Dad Says"
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts.
"“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit.
""A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."
"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?"
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law."
"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over."
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts.
"“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit.
""A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."
"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?"
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law."
"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over."
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
Okay. We have "What feeds your soul?" "Things that piss you off," and "How to make people laugh." I love these threads, particularly the first two, because I found them to be a great place to get my feet wet when I was a shy newbie undergoing the de-lurkification process.
Sometimes, though, I see/hear really funny things that I'd love to share with my fellow Litsters, but I'm never really sure where to post them (since "How to make people laugh" tends to be more of a joke thread). I know that there are similar threads in other forums, but I tend to camp out in HT Land, so I'm more comfortable posting here.
So, how about it? Did you see/hear anything today that just cracked you up (figuratively OR literally)? If so, tell us about it.
If any of you shy newbie/lurker types are out there trying to work up the nerve to post, feel free to jump right in. We won't bite. Well, not too hard, anyway.
I love it when people ask me is it raining? I will say nope, took the fish for walk.
imemkay
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Now that is funny!
bobsgirl
Jiggly
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It was either post it on Facebook or here. I don't think Facebook is ready for a naked carnival worker whacking the mole (now there's a euphemism for you) and pooping on the floor.
Eilan
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MsQuote
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satindesire
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XlOAvW9_6w&list=FLPO3c-E3rRQnaqv4CsW2ysw&index=4
This song is fucking awesome.
This song is fucking awesome.
Eilan
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My 10-year-old just called one of my cousins a "constipated penguin" after seeing a pic of him and his wife on Facebook.
It's true. The guy never, ever smiles, and in the pic, he's wearing a tuxedo, his face is red, and he has the same expression that my girls used to get when they were straining to poop as babies.
It's true. The guy never, ever smiles, and in the pic, he's wearing a tuxedo, his face is red, and he has the same expression that my girls used to get when they were straining to poop as babies.
1Browneyedguy
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DUST IN THE WIND sung by Will Ferrel
"Dust In The Wind"
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind
He sings it in a movie OLD SCHOOL , completely off key, while they're at a funneral for " Blue" ... this older guy who drops dead in a kitty pool jellow wrestling two naked gals...
Whenever I hear the " real" version by Kansas.. I crack up...
"Dust In The Wind"
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind
He sings it in a movie OLD SCHOOL , completely off key, while they're at a funneral for " Blue" ... this older guy who drops dead in a kitty pool jellow wrestling two naked gals...
Whenever I hear the " real" version by Kansas.. I crack up...
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