When They're Doing It "Just Because you Like It"

[Lancecastor]

Re: Re: Re: ..the problem with "the right time"...

Say it, darlin'.
Just get it said.

Precisely.

The only way to get out of a hole is to put down the shovel and start looking for a ladder.


Chin up, shoulders square!

Bon chance;

Lance

 

[Rubyfruit]

Great advice Lance. I think I may try applying it to my own life.

 

[Cirrus]

Hi Chicklet, nice to meet you, and I'm sorry to hear you're having these kinds of trouble. I know you you feel.

I have a question for you...is it really so awful to know that someone is doing something because you like it? That to me shows that they are putting your needs and desires before their own, and that's part of what love is, at least to me. I would actually be flattered to hear it. Not in the sense your first guy did, in that he hated it, but...

Crap, I'm rambling. Here's the deal. I like nilla sex sometimes. I like BDSM sometimes. I couldn't be satisfied with just one or the other, I like and need both. My guy, OTOH, could be completely satisfied with only nilla. Sometimes I want to play when he would probably just as soon not. Do we play? Sometimes...there are times he wants to "treat" me and we'll play anyway, there are times I want to "treat" him and we'll go nilla style. The times that I concede and give him what he wants, I know it's noted and will be repaid with something I enjoy and vice versa. I don't enjoy giving head. It doesn't gross me out or anything just really doesn't do anything for me. I don't find it arousing at all. But he's a guy, so of course he likes getting head. Of course I do it, because getting oral is something I enjoy too. I wouldn't want to be deprived of that pleasure so I don't deprive him.

If you can't function without BDSM there's nothing wrong with that. It's just how you are. But, does everyone have to enjoy everything all the time in order to have a great relationship? If your guy isn't as kinky as you are, but is willing to do it because it pleases you, what's wrong with that? If he didn't care, he wouldn't do it at all. Maybe you could return the favor by doing something he enjoys that really isn't a favorite of yours, or find ways of incorporating things he really likes into play so that he learns to enjoy it more?

 

[monster666]

lol.. don't be sorry! Maybe if he was, you wouldn't have left!

Ahem.

I recently left a 21 year marriage. He wasn't terrible. He wasn't a monster. (Errr, sorry, monster.)

 

[Quint]

I disagree on that, Cirrus. Again, as Chicklet said in the last page, it's based on how important sex and BDSM in particular is to her relationship. If it's important, halfass won't be enough.

Analogy: T is fervently passionate about opera. If I hated it but went to an opera with him, simply because I knew he enjoyed it, he would pick up on my disinterest and lose a great deal of his pleasure because of it. If it mattered so much to him, it would be important that I share his interest to SOME degree.

Hunny dominated me largely because he knew I wanted him to. I lost all kinds of interest in BDSM because it mattered to me and didn't so much to him.

As NemoAlia (or maybe Chele...damn short-term memory) said, if so much of being submissive is based on the pleasure you're bringing to your dominant, why in the world would you do this if it brought NO pleasure at all to him? (I'm sure whoever said it put it better than that, too.)

If BDSM is so very important to you, if it is a need that grows from your very core of being, then you will not be satisfied with half-way interest in your partner, Chicklet. If it is a superficial interest, like preferring one flavor of juice over another, then it'll be okay. It doesn't sound like juice to me, babe.

Best wishes. I've made my decision in an eerily similar situation. I'm happier for it, because ultimately I did what I needed to grow and develop further. I hope yours is kind and gentle and ends happily for you.

 

[monster666]

Precisely why I have zero use for a pro domme. It's not about getting my rocks off getting tied up and tortured. If she's there to fatten her wallet and yawns the whole time, there's nothing in it for me.

I'd hate to think so. Especially when you're a sub, it's important to know that you're giving your Dom/me pleasure. Otherwise, what's the point? You might as well be visiting a BDSM vending machine, for all the personal connection that's being made.

 

[Kitte]

For us, I know this all began because of me, what I wanted...I think, I hope, he says, he has discovered a dominant side he never new he had. I think for me if it was just because I wanted it, it would not work. I need that sense of pleasing, of being good for him, strong for him. Thats just my thoughts.

 

[mskittykatt]

when Bry and i first started exploring BDSM in our relationship - he entered hesitantly and agreed to read, and try things for my benifit.
i was always questioning him, and kept getting the answer i like it because it makes you happy.
finally i had to quit questioning each and every move - and trust in his words and his bodies reactions... i've felt him bigger and harder then the whole year before that - during some of our play times... i choose to believe he does enjoy it enough and ignore the questions bouncing around in my head. it's like negative self talk, the only way to get over it is positive repetition... watch his body, his eyes... and let him see your joy and pleasure - i'll bet his is magnified as well.

 

[morninggirl5]

The "is he doing it for me or because he really wants to" question is one that i know i'm going to have problems with at some point. So much so, that i resist giving very many details about what i'm really interested in. I'll give generalities, but not specifics, because i don't want to feel like everything was ordered up to fit me.

 

[Soron]

"Don't Settle"

Talk to him about it.
Hell, go buy "The Loving Dominant" or "Screw The Roses..." or "SM101"
Maybe he'll surprise you and want to apply some of what's in those books. If it never seems like the right time, having any of those books around for him too peruse might make it the right time.

But, like cym says, "Don't settle."

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

Chicklet

Of course, if you post on a forum that your boyfriend reads...

 

[Soron]

Re: Chicklet

Of course, if you post on a forum that your boyfriend reads...

excellent point...

 

[sweetnpetite]

hijacking...

I think I have the opposite problem. Now that we've let the BDSM cat out of the bag, we rarely have non-bdsm sex. It's not that I don't like it (love it in fact) but I don't like it to the exclusion of vanila, romantic or other non dominating kinks.

 

[tythisredheadup]

Chicket, I feel your pain. When I finally decided this is want I want, I am with someone who has absolutely no interest. The one time he even remotely tried, I could tell he just wasn't into it. For me, it cannot be contrived. His heart has to be in it. He has to have that dominant nature.

As I sit next to him right now, I truly realize how boring my life is...

Don't give up, if your boyfriend is not the one, there are plenty out there who will jump at the chance.