When to tell a potential partner about BDSM?

[graceanne]

I think we SHOULD all be card-carrying members of some sort... Then I could just casually leave my wallet open near prospective dates and if they ask me what "BDSM" is I'll tell them to go look it up on the internet and get back to me.

Well, you could invest in a necklace with the emblem on it. If they ask you about it, tell them it's a BDSM emblem. If they ask what BDSM is then you can tell them to look it up on the internet.

 

[h_i_s]

I think we SHOULD all be card-carrying members of some sort... Then I could just casually leave my wallet open near prospective dates and if they ask me what "BDSM" is I'll tell them to go look it up on the internet and get back to me.

Killi ...or perhaps try something a bit less obvious that would still convey to others that you enjoy BDSM, (as well as allowing you the possibility of getting the message across in a way that will NOT leave yourself wide open to some scumbag acting on the chance to steal your cash .. hehe )?

There are some (from what i have heard from others, as well as read ...) who have happened upon others who share their interest in BDSM due to their having openly displayed a 'hint' to the general public. There are ways in which this can be done so that it would be an apparent sign to those who know about BDSM, while at the same time, NOT freaking out the 'vanillas' in the crowd.

Maybe you already do wear BDSM jewlery and stuff .. and if not ........

Here's a few suggestions, off the top of my head, that may work:

• handcuff keychain (Master and i have one which holds our house/car keys.)
• any type of tasteful jewelry which displays the BDSM Trisk/Symbol
• any type of tasteful jewelry which displays handcuffs or a whip (i have two pairs of earrings which INSIDEYOURMIND purchased for me .. one with half dollar sized cuffs, one with dime sized cuffs)
• wearing an 'O-ring' on the right index finger (i say the right rather than the left because some may view it as being 'taken/owned .. aka already 'spoken for' when worn on the left index .... which is where i wear mine- it serves as my wedding ring)
• wearing a 'play collar' where/when appropriate (some of them are so pretty and can be paired up to matching outfits)
• tee-shirts with ironed on transferes which send out a BDSM related message (i have a few which my Master purchased for me. One says 'slave' with handcuffs below. Another says "SIN like you MEAN it." The third is shown in my av to the left, with the displayed text printed in purple, down below, in my signature... )EDITED: OOps .. i'd forgotten that i had changed that bit of text in my sig .. i swapped it back though, so you can read it ..

Any of the above, whatever works for you ... could be used as a discreet 'billboard' of sorts and a tool that may give others the hint as well as give them reason to ASK if YOU are interested in BDSM.
It would seem certain that if YOU are out there hoping to happen upon someone/someDom who may be a good match to your interests regarding BDSM .... perhaps that 'match' is out there, near you, and ALSO hoping to happen upon his 'match'.

Ya never know, Killi .........

 

[FurryFury]

All I can say about this is, good for you that you know what you want more than I did at your age!

If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things very differently. I would not have wanted to compromise on something that was great but not what I hungered for.

However as far as symbols and jewelry go, I'd rather discuss it when I trust the other person enough. Symbols can be misinterpreted so easily so can research someone does for themselves. I'd rather speak my mind. Also I'd speak in terms of sensation rather than pain.

That's my 2 cents.

Fury

 

[BrAvHeArT]

VEry interesting topic you bring up...i was thinking the samething a couple days ago, wondering how a female would react. I would agree a bit with graceanne, watching it on a movie and getting a reaction. Maybe try to ease it in during sex, try to get him to get kinda rough, he might actually surprise you...hope it helps, and find someone

 

[Loose_by_name]

Thank you again for your input. And one thing you said here that really resonates in my mind is about being comfortable with myself ("primary relationship") before working on secondary ones... That is one of the reasons behind my current hiatus from sex and dating. It's a tough road, finding inner peace, and I don't think the journey ever really ends... People are such dynamic creatures that I think we must continually work on ourselves even to maintain the peace we do find. Or else life seeps it away from us. Right now all of my energy is being diverted to finding more of that peace... Once I reach a comfortable level, I'll have more time and energy left over to devote to my PYL once I find Him.

Thats ok, my pleasure. A hiatus is always a good idea.
I took a break from my D/s srelationship for a year and now we are back on track bigger and better than ever. I think sometimes when you are IN the throws of a relationship, be it D/s or 'vanilla' you are too involved, emotionally, metally, physically, to get your head around the dynamics of it. And of course there is also day to day life, which disrupts the flow regardless.

So dont rush, inner peace is very important, particularly within the context of the Journey to find your true self which is, I believe, the reason why, some of us are drawn to such relationships.

Take care and good luck

Lucy

 

[h_i_s]

i was very lucky to have found INSIDEYOURMIND almost immediately after deciding i was ready for a relationship (8 months out of a 5 year relationship, just a week after the first date since the end of that relationship .. with a vanilla guy who bored me to hell and back again) ... and while i am greatful to not be single and having to deal with the issues you present with this thread topic, Killi ..... if i had to put myself in your shoes, i'd make careful choices, and rather than sitting around waiting for DOMCharming to pop into my life and claim me .... i'd do everything within my power to HELP myself to find him, as well as aid him in finding me. Seems like a good idea to me, especially when viewed as a way of doubling the chances of finding a partner with an equalled passion and hunger for the pleasures of BDSM being present in the relationship.

i'm not in the dating scene any longer, and if i were .....

When do you think it is prudent/sensible to tell someone you are dating about BDSM?

... as soon as there is any possibility felt that the 'dating' may take a turn toward becoming 'intimate'.

I am currently not dating anyone, but I have been thinking about this alot lately. Do you think something like BDSM should/can be brought up from the start (meaning the first time you hang out with someone for an extended period of time) if both parties are interested in each other?

Certainly. Why the hell not?

i'd think that to say that both parties are 'interested in each other' and are hanging out for extended periods of time, would mean that each party would see this as the 'getting to know each other stage'.
There'd be a LOT to know about me, and while not limited to BDSM, it IS a substancial part of who i am, and what i enjoy (i don't think a day went by during those 8 months after leaving my 'ex', when i did not dream of, and long for the Man who would accept my needs and desires and allow me to feel free to be ALL of who i am).
i'd hope that any potential partner would have embraced that part of me, but not all are capable of cherishing 'women like us'. If it turned out they didn't .... it would save each of us wasted time in traveling further with each other only to realize that we are not cut out for each other. AND, i'd be less 2 'ex' vanilla relationships, and wouldn't have wasted the combined 10+ years wasted in realizing that neither was the right man for me (and of course, i was also not the right woman for either).

I'm hesitant about investing much time in someone only to have them recoil in horror when I explain I am a submissive. Or, learn that "BDSM-style" Domming is something they absolutely cannot see themselves doing.

As you should be. Nothing sucks more, nothing is as disappointing ...... at least not when it is something you want and need.

The flip side would be to date only people in the lifestyle, but that community is so small out here that I fear I might end up an old widow with 12 cats before finding a suitable mate.

Do you KNOW it's that small? Maybe it is ... but, i wouldn't bet that everyone local to you who shares similar interests, can be accurately accounted for. Not everyone attends munches, or attends clubs, or has a profile on a BDSM personal site etc etc ect. Not everyone is 'public' in sharing their BDSM interest.

Another reason why if it were me, i'd find discreet ways of letting others know of my own interest (it may not work for everyone, but if i were out there in the dating end of the pool, i'd figure i'd have nothing to lose in making the small effort).

I am not at all opposed to learning the lifestyle alongside another newbie if they have the same innate tendency towards Domming their SO that I have towards submitting to my SO. And it's not too hard to weed out the dominant types from the passive ones.

Nor was i when i was actively seeking prior to INSIDEYOURMIND and i finding each other as we did. i certainly expressed a desire for 'an experienced older man' on my profiles, but i was not entirely closed minded to checking out inquiries made to me by slightly younger men with less experience than some. Now that i know more about myself than i did back then, i'm relieved that i didn't have the chance to 'date' any of those younger unexperienced men ... it's not very likely that i would have been satisfied, 'older and more experienced' REALLY REALLY 'does it for me'. Everyone is different though Killi, ... it doesn't hurt to stick your toes in and try the waters out a bit. How did that old song go?? As a little girl i used to belt out the words ...... "My momma told me ... you'd better shop around .... ahh huh, huh .. You'd better shop around ..... ".

The problem lies in discriminating who amoungst those personalities are willing to delve into the world of power exchange, rough play, and SM that most others in the lifestyle assume will exist but many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

Well then, why worry about scaring a few away? Tell it like it is. The ones that run screaming make the shopping EASIER Killi!! It weeds out the 'unpotentials' real quickly and keep things nice and neat ... & so much more simplified.

 

[BamaBelle]

So many ideas and so many opinions...

for what it is worth, here is my .02

When you do find someone that is perhaps a potential partner, be open, be honest, and be yourself, it is not worth the heartache and aggravation of investing time and energy into a relationship that you cannot be yourself. And believe you, me...i have been there and done that several times over.

Life is too short to live by other's standards that just frustrate you.

Someone suggested enrolling in a personals website. I think the key here is word of mouth and advertising. Let every one of your BDSM lifestyle friends know that you are Domless (not desperate) and eventually, you can weed thru the toads and find a true DomPrince (and yes They do exist!)

I was married to Pumpkin for almost 3 years before we talked about my needs in the lifestyle. (thanks to DixiCritter for helping me to discover me). Almost 2 yrs later, we are emerging together as a BDSM couple. Its scarey as hell to think that perhaps my Spouse, my Betrothed, my One and Only, would turn away, but thru patience and research and lots of communication, its working. We both can be who we are without fear of trepidation or consequences from the other.

the key is finding somone who will accept you without hesitation or reservations, unconditionally.

 

[DVS]

BDSM stands for “bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism." The D does not stand for dominant or dominance, it stands for discipline.

My thoughts on this topic are tainted, so I'll just say I don't know the answer to your question, but I do feel your pain. I could go on and on, but won't bore you all with my problems. I have distinct thoughts on this, but I'm probabaly just a jaded 52 year old in a world I'm not familiar with, any more.

 

[CowBoy18^]

found out on my first date with a woman once, got to a parking lot and smacked her on the ass when she was climbing into the car and she giggled and said more please.

sometimes you just get lucky

 

[bullaford]

Actually, I just got back from hanging out with my cop friend... I decided it was time to throw a few hints his way as to my preferences, and I think he took them quite well. He's a very stoic and even-tempered guy, so it's sometimes hard for me to figure out what is going on in that head of his... But I think I even detected some piqued interest when I dropped those hints. And at the end of the night he told me again how much he likes me, so I must not have scared him off too much.

found out on my first date with a woman once, got to a parking lot and smacked her on the ass when she was climbing into the car and she giggled and said more please.

sometimes you just get lucky

Dropping hints was exactly what I was going to suggest Killi.

I know sometime soon I am going to have to explain my orientation again, this time to a male who is going to graduate from the Police Academy in two weeks. And I can't help but think that someone who is making a career as a police officer would steer widely clear of BDSM activities just because of their common (and unfortunate) connotations, no matter how dominant the man is.

I think you might just be surprised at the number of police/civil service type guys who are into this lifestyle. As for the even tempered and stoic, as I've always heard .. it's the quiet ones you need to look out for

 

[mrmadman]

Off-topic to DVS

Not to drag the thread off its very very worthwhile topic, but DVS said

BDSM stands for “bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism." The D does not stand for dominant or dominance, it stands for discipline.

As I understand this rather lumpy abbreviation, it's flexible. Deliberately. The D can stand for discipline OR dominant, SM for SadoMasochism OR Slave/Master, DS can be Dominant/Submissive, etc.

Sort of like "GLTxx" whatever it is now for gays, a "big tent" name to be inclusive of various flavors of one general family.

 

[Sybarist]

Although, like BamaBelle, I am learning about this side of things with someone already attached, I have often wondered what it must be like to be a searching single involved in this lifestyle...

I would think that in advertising your interests before you develop a relationship with someone you have just met that trust would be the biggest problem. We all know that there those out there that view BDSM as a way to excuse abuse, and I cannot imagine how much trust you single subs must have to put out there every time you meet someone new... For me personally, I would have to get to know someone enough to trust them before I could divulge this part of myself- it took me long enough within my existing relationship to do it, I think doing it over again might kill me.

I am going to keep watching this thread with interest, although I hope by the grace of the gods I'll never have to use the advice contained herein. I hope that everything works out for the best for you Killishandra!

Syb.

 

[mrmadman]

whistle while you work

If you're still around, killi, I'm with cowboy18. I don't mean "with" him, but in agreement with him about spontaneous/lighthearted/casual/fun discovery/revelation:

found out on my first date with a woman once, got to a parking lot and smacked her on the ass when she was climbing into the car and she giggled and said more please.

For me a long time ago, it was a young lady calling me "Sir" and my unexpected but unmistakable reaction thereto, that got the ball and chain rolling. Neither of us quite knew at the time what we were getting into.

I was discussing something like this on another board nearby and it turned into a bit of an argument, which I didn't and don't seek. But this doesn't have to be a "serious talk" subject; it can be casual and fun, and really ought to be. Call the guy "Sir" or say something about spanking, just to test the waters...

Someone suggested you approach it from a political direction, asking where the guy stands on issues that supposedly signify open-mindedness, but I think mixing politics and sex, or metasex, is DEADLY. I'm politically a feminist, personally a dominant; no conflict there for me, or for the feminist women who kneel and whimper and beg.

Hawaii, you say. Hmm. Sure could have used you, as 'twere, last time I was there, in December....

 

[Milambus]

While, I agree that your desire for BDSM should be discussed in the early stages of the relationship. I would however, advise caution before you do so. Some may take a desire for a BDSM relationship as an excuse for abuse.

I would suggest waiting until you know the person a bit before telling them. You know after you know where he works, but before you meet the parents

 

[mrmadman]

Keep ahead (you may need one)

Hi killishandra, I missed your answer from earlier:

LOL, I'll rant right along with you, Mr. Madman... I never watch those shows myself (I try to steer clear of anything except "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart") but I've heard many people complain about the way BDSM is portrayed... It's rare to see it in a positive light on television or in the newspaper.

I think, btw, that it is a bit easier for Doms to twist good lil vanilla girls into subs... After all, that is what a Dominant does, they guide and steer their pyl into submission. It's alot harder (IMO) for me to "twist" good vanilla men into being Doms. It goes against the fabric of power exchange, and reeks to high hell of bottoming from the top. And despite my tendency to *try* to bottom from the top sometimes (often I don't recognize it until it's pointed out to me) I smell that from a mile away and try to avoid it as much as possible. If I date a man who has no BDSM experience but is eager and interested in learning I will support him (and his mistakes along the way) as much as I can but it will be up to him to network with other Dominants and keep one step ahead of me. Not always an easy task, if I do say so myself.

You don't even watch "The Simpsons?" Best thing on commercial TV, whatever that's worth.

You're quite right of course, easier to twist from the top. Brave of you to try it the other way though. Did you mean it "reeks to high hell" (fabulous expression) of topping from the bottom? You said bottoming from the top. It can get confusing. I'm smiling at the image of you breaking in a novice dominant. Another distant memory--I just recall her whispering "You have to MAKE me!" a lot.

Keeping ahead of you, not an easy task? Well, the good things never are, are they.

 

[~hellbaby~]

If it is something you need or want in a relationship, I think it is best to bring it up when you relize you are interested in a prospective partner. Depending on your level of involvement, meeting someone from a group would be a good start. There are more groups out there than you think, I found one that meets right up the street at a place I go to now and then and never knew it until I found it online. By meeting someone in a group setting you can find out what kind of persoon they are from others. Generally it is safer that way.
Somone who has been into BDSM for 10 years and has no one to vouche for them raises red flags no matter where you meet them.
If you just like a good OTK or tie up now and then there are lots of places to meet non- lifestylers too. If someone is vanilla they should at least be open to it. By telling them early it gives them time to get curious or decide they are pure vanilla.


I would argue on this

The problem lies in discriminating who amoungst those personalities are willing to delve into the world of power exchange, rough play, and SM that most others in the lifestyle assume will exist but many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

I think,at least for me, the problem is making sure he knows there is more to it then just the physical activities, that a BDSM relationship is based on trust, not a desire to rough someone up or make them feel weak and powerless. The sub has the power to give up her/his power, that's why it is a power exchange, not just a use of power.
__________________

 

[Aeroil]

If I get a Nilla girlfriend, it will be for short-term. If it starts evolving into long-term, then I'll tell 'er, 'cuz I won't be satisfied long-term with a vanilla I think. At least that's the draft of my plan, always room for evolution, that's the best quality any plan can have.

 

[chris9]

If I get a Nilla girlfriend, it will be for short-term. If it starts evolving into long-term, then I'll tell 'er, 'cuz I won't be satisfied long-term with a vanilla I think. At least that's the draft of my plan, always room for evolution, that's the best quality any plan can have.

So after how long do you consider the relationship passing the ling from short-term to long-term? And what if you really like her a lot?

 

[Joe Schmoe]

BDSM stands for “bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism." The D does not stand for dominant or dominance, it stands for discipline.

The initials BDSM is also symbolic, like the symbol of the lifestyle, in that there is overlapping. Hence BDSM = bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sado/masochism.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Only thing I could add pertinent to the thread is that each person you will meet will be different as will be the situation and circumstances so each will also dictate when and how the subject can be broached.

Good luck in your quest.

 

[Killishandra]

Comments on other posts

Hmm... Gracie and Sinn, those suggestions for shirts/jewelry have motivated me to seek out something with the emblem on it... I don't wear any jewelry on a day-to-day basis but if I got a really pretty necklace with the BDSM symbol on it I think I would sport it every day on the hopes that PriceDom would pick up on it (and me! ) at a grocery store or something. Sinn, I am giggling over those t-shirts... Where did INSIDEYOURMIND get them from? I'd definitely order the "Slave" with handcuffs t-shirt. Also, thanks for your detailed reply to my post... And you're absolutely right, there's no way of knowing how many Doms there are out here... Many people are private and don't attend munches or post personal ads on places such as Collarme. But then the question remains, how do I find them? Ahh... and you gave me the answer (you and Gracie, that is.) Now all I need is an emblem necklace, some handcuff bracelets, and one of those spiffy shirts... Good gods, if the Doms can't spot me in all that they must be blind!!

FF- I know what you mean about things being interpreted wrong... And if I tell someone to go research BDSM on their own, they're probably just as likely to come across websites on the "BTK" murderer than something on real D/s. (Well, I'm exagerating, but you know what I mean.) However, I just don't want to wait too long before telling a "potential" where I stand. It's a good suggestion to "speak in terms of sensation" not pain. I always get such weird looks when I admit to being even a little bit of a masochist!

Braveheart - I'm at a point in my life where I am not having casual sexual relationships anymore. So working it in during sex won't work for me... This is a subject that needs to be broached LONG before sexual intimacy! (Not for everyone, of course, but for me in my current situation.)

Loose by name - Thank you for the luck. I think I need all I can get! *stuffs it quickly into pocket* LOL

BamaBelle - Thank you for your $0.02. Good advice! And to you, I'd like to wish you and your partner good luck in your journey... It sounds to me like you two are doing really well. Acceptance really is an integral part of a D/s relationship, or ANY relationship for that matter. Thank you for sharing your "success story" as it were.

DVS - I do believe you're right and the "D" is usually (although I think not necessarily always) referring to "Discipline." Probably in most traditional circles it is only referenced as "Discipline." But on a side note... I think somebody needs a hug. *hug* Btw, the opinions of so-called "jaded 52-year-olds" are actually held in quite high esteem in these parts. So whenever you feel up to it, your opinion is always appreciated.

Cowboy18 - Care to pass some of that luck along to me? I'm starting a collection in my pocket!

bullaford - The quiet ones, the rowdy ones, the "normal" ones... Heck, these days I'm keeping my eye on EVERYONE.

Syb - I know well what you mean by people using BDSM as an excuse for abuse. And not always of the physical kind, sometimes it can be mental or emotional abuse. I also know it can be REAL hard to tell from the get-go whether someone leans that way or not... But I've learned from my own experience with that, and I am alot more cautious than I used to be. Thank you for the well-wishes, by the way!

Mrmadman- hehe, I should start calling the 'nilla men I know "Sir" and see how they react, whadya think? Seriously, though... Good point about political and personal differences... I believe very strongly in equal rights, although I don't like to label myself "feminist"... I prefer "peopleist" but for some reason the term hasn't caught on yet and I still get weird looks. (LOL)

Milambus - Good advice. I probably don't have to tell them the first day I meet them, but I sure as heck don't want to be meeting parents before I know if we're compatible like that. Unless, of course, his parents introduce him to me!

Hellbaby - Yeah, getting across the mental aspect of BDSM to non-BDSMers is hard... When I try to explain myself, most people concentrate on the S&M aspect and how "weird" it is and pay not much attention to the non-physical D/s... Which is much more important to me than S&M.

Aeroil - Fly to Hawaii. I am the Domme you've been looking for. I have a crop in my bedroom, isn't that proof enough? Alright, alright... Seriously though, my little sister is 19 and she ain't no sub. I'd hook you up with her, but she's probably too sadistic for you... I'd hate to have your death on my conscious.

Joe Schmoe -

Only thing I could add pertinent to the thread is that each person you will meet will be different as will be the situation and circumstances so each will also dictate when and how the subject can be broached.

This is oh-so-true.

 

[chris9]

Killishandra, when you say that you feel there are not so many options for you in Hawaii but you don't have the time and energy at the moment for a long-term relationship, maybe then you'll just have to wait patiently until you are done with university, have figured out what you want, have found your peace. Then you might have better chances of finding someone.
And you certainly have a lot of time left before you'll end as an old lady with cats

 

[graceanne]

Killishandra, when you say that you feel there are not so many options for you in Hawaii but you don't have the time and energy at the moment for a long-term relationship, maybe then you'll just have to wait patiently until you are done with university, have figured out what you want, have found your peace. Then you might have better chances of finding someone.
And you certainly have a lot of time left before you'll end as an old lady with cats

I bet, even if she did end up as an old lady with cats, that she'll still be sexier than the rest of us.

Bitch.

 

[chris9]

I bet, even if she did end up as an old lady with cats, that she'll still be sexier than the rest of us.

Bitch.

Then maybe she'd find a hot old man to care for all those cats with her It's never too late to give up the hope of finding someone to share the rest of your life with. And the older you are when finding him, the less time you have to spend with him, so the probability of splitting decreases

 

[mrmadman]

I was serious about "Sir." It worked for me. And cats are cool.

Yeah, "feminist" is radioactive these days. I just like it 'cause it's intuitively contrapuntal with "sadist" to those who don't know better. Wakes 'em up.

 

[FurryFury]

Here is another stray thought.

I always find men when I'm not looking. I'm just about never looking. Maybe it's the men that find me. I dunno.

Then again I am easy, or stupid. I accept people from the get go for who and what they are. They have to willfully hurt me emotionally multiple times before I cut them off. If my level of involvement is already too deep I will continue with them and rationalized just about anything they do, eventually convincing myself I like it. I sometimes think I have this invisible sign on my forehead that says, "Victim in waiting." I usually don't think about what I need or want. I'm loyal as hell. Getting attached is far easier than letting go even when I know we are not compatible. That has all turned out to be dangerous stuff for me, though I'm in a good place now.

So again I say, good for you, knowing what you want!

Fury