Women of Lit: A Safe Place To Share

[v_indigo]

Hubby came home for lunch to check on me. I told him what was wrong. Lots of hugs later, I'm... not exactly feeling better, but rather feeling better equipped to go forward today.

Letting myself look at pics of pretty women isn't hurting either... I didn't want to get in the mood where I might think about dark stuff, but it doesn't seem to come into play when I'm thinking about women... at least not yet.

There is something so wonderful about having a partner who is able to be there with and for you so well.
I am so glad you have him!

 

[v_indigo]

I’d make the argument that looking at pretty women is generally a good part of any treatment plan

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

Since this seems to be the day to open up ... deep breath ... .

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. All my coping mechanisms are so deeply entrenched after years of masking, I'm not going to try to get a diagnosis now. It manifests itself mostly as hypersensitivity to the emotional states of everyone around me. I'm terrified of opening up to anybody out of fear they will reject me when they learn what a big weird loser I am. When I saw Encanto I almost broke down in tears when Luisa sang her song about only feeling worthwhile if she can be of service.

I'm Luisa. I'm tough as diamonds. I'm the one who everyone counts on when the going gets tough and everyone else drops out. But inside I'm really a scared little bunny rabbit who just wants to watch cartoons, write smut, and masturbate. Even sex is fraught. I'm the ugly geeky girl. Even when guys started paying attention to me it freaked me out. I think that's why a lot of my fantasies involve exhibitionism. Not that I will ever run around naked in public, but I'm drawn to the idea of being able to drop all pretense -- of being accepted for just for inhabiting my body.

My relationship with my husband is weird. We get along just fine--we love to talk with each other--but he's never understood what turns me on. He's got his own issues and kinks, which I'm not equipped to satisfy. I don't know why I just wrote all this. It just seemed like the thing to do today. I'll shut up now and go away.

Don't try to fix me. I'm fine really. I can handle it.

 

[v_indigo]

Since this seems to be the day to open up ... deep breath ... .

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. All my coping mechanisms are so deeply entrenched after years of masking, I'm not going to try to get a diagnosis now. It manifests itself mostly as hypersensitivity to the emotional states of everyone around me. I'm terrified of opening up to anybody out of fear they will reject me when they learn what a big weird loser I am. When I saw Encanto I almost broke down in tears when Luisa sang her song about only feeling worthwhile if she can be of service.

I'm Luisa. I'm tough as diamonds. I'm the one who everyone counts on when the going gets tough and everyone else drops out. But inside I'm really a scared little bunny rabbit who just wants to watch cartoons, write smut, and masturbate. Even sex is fraught. I'm the ugly geeky girl. Even when guys started paying attention to me it freaked me out. I think that's why a lot of my fantasies involve exhibitionism. Not that I will ever run around naked in public, but I'm drawn to the idea of being able to drop all pretense -- of being accepted for just for inhabiting my body.

My relationship with my husband is weird. We get along just fine--we love to talk with each other--but he's never understood what turns me on. He's got his own issues and kinks, which I'm not equipped to satisfy. I don't know why I just wrote all this. It just seemed like the thing to do today. I'll shut up now and go away.

Don't try to fix me. I'm fine really. I can handle it.

You are welcome here, and seen as much as you will allow.
I’m glad you shared this, and I’m gonna annoy you a LOT if you try and shut up and run away.
I have free time.
This is a threat.

 

[Yesok1]

I’d make the argument that looking at pretty women is generally a good part of any treatment plan

Looking at women takes all my troubles and cares away.

They're also the route cause of all my troubles and cares too.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

You are welcome here, and seen as much as you will allow.
I’m glad you shared this, and I’m gonna annoy you a LOT if you try and shut up and run away.
I have free time.
This is a threat.

Oh great now I'm crying.

 

[v_indigo]

Oh great now I'm crying.

Yeah, that’s right. You have feelings and it’s time you poke at them.

 

[lil_jenni]

Oh great now I'm crying.

A good cry can be as therapeutic as anything else. I've had a few of them today myself...

 

[stickygirl]

Since this seems to be the day to open up ... deep breath ... .

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. All my coping mechanisms are so deeply entrenched after years of masking, I'm not going to try to get a diagnosis now. It manifests itself mostly as hypersensitivity to the emotional states of everyone around me. I'm terrified of opening up to anybody out of fear they will reject me when they learn what a big weird loser I am. When I saw Encanto I almost broke down in tears when Luisa sang her song about only feeling worthwhile if she can be of service.

I'm Luisa. I'm tough as diamonds. I'm the one who everyone counts on when the going gets tough and everyone else drops out. But inside I'm really a scared little bunny rabbit who just wants to watch cartoons, write smut, and masturbate. Even sex is fraught. I'm the ugly geeky girl. Even when guys started paying attention to me it freaked me out. I think that's why a lot of my fantasies involve exhibitionism. Not that I will ever run around naked in public, but I'm drawn to the idea of being able to drop all pretense -- of being accepted for just for inhabiting my body.

My relationship with my husband is weird. We get along just fine--we love to talk with each other--but he's never understood what turns me on. He's got his own issues and kinks, which I'm not equipped to satisfy. I don't know why I just wrote all this. It just seemed like the thing to do today. I'll shut up now and go away.

Don't try to fix me. I'm fine really. I can handle it.

Preach! All that BS about us not feeling emotions huh?

 

[v_indigo]

Well things are getting better for me. I know a lot of people judge me and I used to let it bother me. Because not many people know that I went through a lot, that I have PTSD from an abusive relationship, and still traumatized over my brother's suicide which happened a few years ago. I actually lost a lot of friends because of this, and sometimes I have to cry off alone somewhere. It's not because I'm ashamed or anything but because I don't like being a burden on others and people judging me. I'm so used to people judging me that I'm honestly not surprised when I stop hearing from people. One of my friends dropped me as a friend for awhile, because they told me I should move on already. She actually began talking to me again and I'm kinda questioning her motives and not sure if I can trust her anymore. This is the reason why I have trust issues too, because of everything I've been through. I just wish people would just give me a chance, instead of just judging me right off the bat... I know that's a lot but needed to get this out.

Abuse is never just in a box. It always seeps out and Infects other parts of our lives. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I believe you can rebuild yourself

 

[cowboyup6977]

Looking at women takes all my troubles and cares away.

They're also the route cause of all my troubles and cares too.

Until you find the right one

 

[Yesok1]

Until you find the right one

No, they still cause problems!

Jealousy and paranoia

 

[cowboyup6977]

Like I said you haven’t found the right one
R and I are not jealous

 

[Strixaluco]

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum.

You're not alone. Though I'm still probably trying to to get a formal diagnosis - just for dealing with employment officials and healthcare professionals. Oh and I may have ADHD as well, and that might even be treated perhaps, so...

But the thing is... My psychologist started suspecting it 2 months after I started dating my Dom. Because he's safe enough that I dropped masking in many situations! It's still a work in process, but a lot has happened. Apparently I even appear softer now. Now wonder...

Anyway, in the BDSM scene neurodivergent people are highly overpresented. Sometimes even the majority. Some neurodivergent people may for example have under- or oversensitive sense of touch in the surface vs deeper, so ordinary caressing might just not feel good or do anything. And some of us are "perpetually 12" inside. (Feels damn good to be accepted as such and be taken care of, btw.) And many other kinds of ways that make neurodivergent more suspectible to turning towards other than vanilla sex and relationships.

And needing to know how to spot safe (dominating or not) partners, too. We don't need more traumas, many of us have them already.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

And a good dom indeed doesn't claim to be better than others. Nor impose himself before there's an agreement of the dynamic.

At this point, I'm very turned off when a guy randomly feels the need to proclaim, "I'm one of the good ones" or "I'm a feminist" or "I'm not racist."
Sir , just let your fucking actions speak for you. Also, unless I'm explicitly asking you those things, why do you feel the need to read me your Upstanding Gentlemen's Report Card?? Stop that shit.
I'll be the judge of what integrity, if any, that you have. You show, I tell. It's really simple.

 

[Lady2020]

Since this seems to be the day to open up ... deep breath ... .

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. All my coping mechanisms are so deeply entrenched after years of masking, I'm not going to try to get a diagnosis now. It manifests itself mostly as hypersensitivity to the emotional states of everyone around me. I'm terrified of opening up to anybody out of fear they will reject me when they learn what a big weird loser I am. When I saw Encanto I almost broke down in tears when Luisa sang her song about only feeling worthwhile if she can be of service.

I'm Luisa. I'm tough as diamonds. I'm the one who everyone counts on when the going gets tough and everyone else drops out. But inside I'm really a scared little bunny rabbit who just wants to watch cartoons, write smut, and masturbate. Even sex is fraught. I'm the ugly geeky girl. Even when guys started paying attention to me it freaked me out. I think that's why a lot of my fantasies involve exhibitionism. Not that I will ever run around naked in public, but I'm drawn to the idea of being able to drop all pretense -- of being accepted for just for inhabiting my body.

My relationship with my husband is weird. We get along just fine--we love to talk with each other--but he's never understood what turns me on. He's got his own issues and kinks, which I'm not equipped to satisfy. I don't know why I just wrote all this. It just seemed like the thing to do today. I'll shut up now and go away.

Don't try to fix me. I'm fine really. I can handle it.

I think most people are scared little bunnies inside.

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

I think most people are scared little bunnies inside.

I completely agree with you Lady!

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

I think most people are scared little bunnies inside.

btw, I don’t care about your age but you’re straight. Can we still be friends? lol

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Since this seems to be the day to open up ... deep breath ... .

I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. All my coping mechanisms are so deeply entrenched after years of masking, I'm not going to try to get a diagnosis now. It manifests itself mostly as hypersensitivity to the emotional states of everyone around me. I'm terrified of opening up to anybody out of fear they will reject me when they learn what a big weird loser I am. When I saw Encanto I almost broke down in tears when Luisa sang her song about only feeling worthwhile if she can be of service.

I'm Luisa. I'm tough as diamonds. I'm the one who everyone counts on when the going gets tough and everyone else drops out. But inside I'm really a scared little bunny rabbit who just wants to watch cartoons, write smut, and masturbate. Even sex is fraught. I'm the ugly geeky girl. Even when guys started paying attention to me it freaked me out. I think that's why a lot of my fantasies involve exhibitionism. Not that I will ever run around naked in public, but I'm drawn to the idea of being able to drop all pretense -- of being accepted for just for inhabiting my body.

My relationship with my husband is weird. We get along just fine--we love to talk with each other--but he's never understood what turns me on. He's got his own issues and kinks, which I'm not equipped to satisfy. I don't know why I just wrote all this. It just seemed like the thing to do today. I'll shut up now and go away.

Don't try to fix me. I'm fine really. I can handle it.

No fix attempts here. I just want to genuinely thank you for sharing that. I honestly appreciate it. It takes a level of courage to be vulnerable and, perhaps, you carry that courage around in more ways than you realize. I am honored that you shared an important piece of your life. After all, what's the point of any of this (this life, this journey) if we can't communicate with each other and learn, grow, cry, & triumph together?
Thank you for helping me learn more today, just by opening up.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

You're not alone. Though I'm still probably trying to to get a formal diagnosis - just for dealing with employment officials and healthcare professionals. Oh and I may have ADHD as well, and that might even be treated perhaps, so...

But the thing is... My psychologist started suspecting it 2 months after I started dating my Dom. Because he's safe enough that I dropped masking in many situations! It's still a work in process, but a lot has happened. Apparently I even appear softer now. Now wonder...

Anyway, in the BDSM scene neurodivergent people are highly overpresented. Sometimes even the majority. Some neurodivergent people may for example have under- or oversensitive sense of touch in the surface vs deeper, so ordinary caressing might just not feel good or do anything. And some of us are "perpetually 12" inside. (Feels damn good to be accepted as such and be taken care of, btw.) And many other kinds of ways that make neurodivergent more suspectible to turning towards other than vanilla sex and relationships.

And needing to know how to spot safe (dominating or not) partners, too. We don't need more traumas, many of us have them already.

Oh I'm very familiar with ADHD. My husband has it in spades. Since I have no trouble with with executive function whatsoever, part of our partnership is me gently asking him occasionally "honey, are you doing what you want to be doing right now?" In exchange he handles all interactions with outsiders since I have massive social anxiety.

It's not a bad way to divvy up adulting, like splitting household chores. I hope you have good luck with ADHD meds. I know for some people they work wonders

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Well things are getting better for me. I know a lot of people judge me and I used to let it bother me. Because not many people know that I went through a lot, that I have PTSD from an abusive relationship, and still traumatized over my brother's suicide which happened a few years ago. I actually lost a lot of friends because of this, and sometimes I have to cry off alone somewhere. It's not because I'm ashamed or anything but because I don't like being a burden on others and people judging me. I'm so used to people judging me that I'm honestly not surprised when I stop hearing from people. One of my friends dropped me as a friend for awhile, because they told me I should move on already. She actually began talking to me again and I'm kinda questioning her motives and not sure if I can trust her anymore. This is the reason why I have trust issues too, because of everything I've been through. I just wish people would just give me a chance, instead of just judging me right off the bat... I know that's a lot but needed to get this out.

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I definitely understand that overwhelming fear of not wanting to be the burden in anyone else's life simply by daring to share with them. The fear of judgement just goes hand-in-hand with the burden fear. It's a nasty feeling & like you said, when you've actually had those fears reinforced by bad people or even good people who made a bad comment, it just stifles you perpetually.
My hope for you is that you find a better support network — friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, whatever it takes. And that they help you create safe spaces for you to be vulnerable with them. The safest space of all, though, begins with you accepting that you could never be a burden. I really have to work on this too. So, you're in good company .
Thank you for sharing & might I say, you'll never be judged or burdensome here, in this space.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

No fix attempts here. I just want to genuinely thank you for sharing that. I honestly appreciate it. It takes a level of courage to be vulnerable and, perhaps, you carry that courage around in more ways than you realize. I am honored that you shared an important piece of your life. After all, what's the point of any of this (this life, this journey) if we can't communicate with each other and learn, grow, cry, & triumph together?
Thank you for helping me learn more today, just by opening up.

Now I'm teary again! I've always had a hard time making friends, so feeling of sisterhood in this thread is so special. I'm going to add it to my secret stash of warm memories that I call up when I need to remind myself I'm not a total loser.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Now I'm teary again! I've always had a hard time making friends, so feeling of sisterhood in this thread is so special. I'm going to add it to my secret stash of warm memories that I call up when I need to remind myself I'm not a total loser.

You know what I've been wanting to do for years but still haven't? Create a Victory Journal. Your "secret stash of warm memories" is the same concept; but yours is worded so very adorably!
With depression, it's so very easy to see only the negative in life and goodness it's astronomically hard to remember the good once something even mildly inconvenient happens. I wanted to create a journal of all my "victories" for that reason. Because my brain won't let me remember in those moments I need it most.

 

[titimprint]

I only just found this thread today, but gee it’s been good to read some your posts. It’s not healthy to feel happy and perky all of the time, and as women we tend to carry a large mental load at all times, no matter what stage of life we are in. I love that people are feeling safe to share their experiences here and that those who respond are doing so in a respectful way. I don’t think there are enough places on the internet for these kind of talks and discussions. While I come to Lit to explore different parts of my sexuality, I have to admit that my own health gets in the way of that at times and so lately I’ve been posting a little and then disappearing for ages then coming back for a bit and then disappearing again. I’m not going to compare my situation to anyone else who has posted here already, but I am going to keep coming back to this thread for all the positive vibes in the face of crappy times because it lifts me up and makes me feel like who run the world? Girls!

 

[lil_jenni]

First off, thank you all so much for being supportive yesterday. It was the toughest day I've had in a long time. Part of me hoped I was past such days... but deep down I knew better.

And thank you and hugs to everyone who shared stuff yesterday. It helps to know I'm not alone, and I hope it helps all of you too.

I'm doing okay-ish today. I don't feel like curling up into a ball in a dark room, and I'm going to work. So, small victories.

It looks like I'm going to have to ride this out for a bit. The psychiatrist doesn't want to change my meds since he thinks it is hormones and I could even out at any time. My therapist and I discussed coping strategies. One was avoiding the situations in which the intrusive dark thoughts are more frequent... which I already knew but... it triggers my anxiety to think of going without sex for a bit. Logically I know Hubby isn't with me just because of sex, and he probably won't mind a rest anyway, as my drive is higher than his, but my anxiety keeps making me question what I have to offer him if there isn't going to be sex for a while. It just plays into my thoughts of not deserving what I have and not feeling worthy of love.

Hubby and I talked about all this last night. He told me we'll do whatever we need to do to help me feel better. I love him for stuff like that and so much more, but it can also make me feel even more like I don't deserve him.

Anyway, at least those are negative thoughts I'm used to and know how to deal with. And that has to be better than the disturbing intrusive thoughts I don't know how to deal with, right?