~Zen Mountain~

[LeBroz]

a cold shower pours
from the sky
droplets crash into my shoulders
watching grey clouds grow
pelted by the many
to accumilate and drench
me!

.

I read something from Red today and it put me in editor mode ~ a dangerous condition ~ I'm not in writing mode but at least I also learn. So, that's why, when I saw what you had here, my editor instincts kicked in.

The sky line seems a bit much but if you take it out are you then in the bathroom shower? So I add a cloud to the first line to make things clear. And I think you want to say "onto" not "into." (This is the sort of nit-picking I do when I'm writing - I spend more time editing than writing!) Caught the spelling on accumulate and then I leave off the "me;" it sounds more universal this way. Most times when I'm in editor mode it's my work I'm rearranging and it makes me nuts - like I'm nagging myself.

Anyway, see what you think.

a cold cloud's shower pours,
droplets crash onto my shoulders;
watching grey clouds grow
pelted by the many
to accumulate and drench

.

 

[wildsweetone]

.

I read something from Red today and it put me in editor mode ~ a dangerous condition ~ I'm not in writing mode but at least I also learn. So, that's why, when I saw what you had here, my editor instincts kicked in.

The sky line seems a bit much but if you take it out are you then in the bathroom shower? So I add a cloud to the first line to make things clear. And I think you want to say "onto" not "into." (This is the sort of nit-picking I do when I'm writing - I spend more time editing than writing!) Caught the spelling on accumulate and then I leave off the "me;" it sounds more universal this way. Most times when I'm in editor mode it's my work I'm rearranging and it makes me nuts - like I'm nagging myself.

Anyway, see what you think.

a cold cloud's shower pours,
droplets crash onto my shoulders;
watching grey clouds grow
pelted by the many
to accumulate and drench

.

wow interesting editing.

i want to discuss - hope you don't mind Art or LeBroz - the first line seems kinda chunky to me now, compared to Art's original line of 'a cold shower pours'. can the inference from 'crash' be an indicator that the cloud's rain is cold without having to use the word cold?

also, another question. if the words 'by the many' were taken out, would 'pelted to accumulate and drench' be enough?

sorry, i'm not judging anything here, (i sure hope nobody takes it that way), just learning. *smile*

 

[LeBroz]

wow interesting editing.

i want to discuss - hope you don't mind Art or LeBroz - the first line seems kinda chunky to me now, compared to Art's original line of 'a cold shower pours'. can the inference from 'crash' be an indicator that the cloud's rain is cold without having to use the word cold?

also, another question. if the words 'by the many' were taken out, would 'pelted to accumulate and drench' be enough?

sorry, i'm not judging anything here, (i sure hope nobody takes it that way), just learning. *smile*

BEFORE

a cold shower pours
from the sky
droplets crash into my shoulders
watching grey clouds grow
pelted by the many
to accumilate and drench
me!

AFTER

a cold cloud's shower pours,
droplets crash onto my shoulders;
watching grey clouds grow
pelted by the many
to accumulate and drench

AND THEN

a cloud's shower pours,
droplets crash onto my shoulders;
watch grey clouds grow
pelted to accumulate and drench

WSO ~ look at what I started! With your ideas here, this little bit sounds colder and wetter!



.

 

[wildsweetone]

it's interesting what a little fiddling can do!

to take it further (i still hope Art doesn't mind)...

shower means to pour, right? so is using both words necessary?

actually i love the 'crash' and the 'pelted'... would it be an idea to strengthen the words 'pours' and 'droplets' to enhance the rage from above?

 

[LeBroz]

.
Art ~

For the record

I've found the e-mail that got me to start thinking about submitting.
She's removed all her comments and is no longer submitting, but pandoras desire must have liked one of my comments/insights and then asked me if I'd ever considered submitting. This was back in September 17; it got me to start thinking, and a month later my adventure began.

So, pandoras desire, wherever in the universe you're hiding these days, my thanks to you - look at what you've unleashed!

And Art, hope you don't mind the bit of an exercise WSO & I had on your little write.

.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

.
Art ~

For the record

I've found the e-mail that got me to start thinking about submitting.
She's removed all her comments and is no longer submitting, but pandoras desire must have liked one of my comments/insights and then asked me if I'd ever considered submitting. This was back in September 17; it got me to start thinking, and a month later my adventure began.

So, pandoras desire, wherever in the universe you're hiding these days, my thanks to you - look at what you've unleashed!

And Art, hope you don't mind the bit of an exercise WSO & I had on your little write.

.

HOLY SMOKE~

I have heard two minds are better than one and to see three minds bring forth an excellent poem from a jot down of a small idea makes me smile <big time> thanks y'all, I will now have to submitt this little literary blossom and I most certainly will say, who brought this to life <grin>

AND THEN

a cloud's shower pours,
droplets crash onto my shoulders;
watch grey clouds grow
pelted to accumulate and drench


now, should there be more? Let me settle in and eat, SHOWER and get pelted and I'll come back and see if perhaps it needs more.

 

[wildsweetone]

hey Art, want my thoughts in here or via PM?
sorry, i've been fiddling with it some more.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

hey Art, want my thoughts in here or via PM?
sorry, i've been fiddling with it some more.

either or... here's what I have so far...thanks wild....leon

drenched~

grey clouds grow
droplets accumulate
and a cloud's shower pours
to crash onto my shoulders -
pelting the drenched

 

[My Erotic Trail]

.
Art ~

For the record

I've found the e-mail that got me to start thinking about submitting.
She's removed all her comments and is no longer submitting, but pandoras desire must have liked one of my comments/insights and then asked me if I'd ever considered submitting. This was back in September 17; it got me to start thinking, and a month later my adventure began.

So, pandoras desire, wherever in the universe you're hiding these days, my thanks to you - look at what you've unleashed!

And Art, hope you don't mind the bit of an exercise WSO & I had on your little write.

.

I don't mind at all Leon, you two have brought it to life <grin and I really like the changes <greatly> humble (~_~) thanks

 

[wildsweetone]

sorry the site had a hissy fit for me. no idea why.

looks like you got my pm. i'll return one in a sec. you're nearly there.

 

[LeBroz]

either or... here's what I have so far...thanks wild....leon

drenched~

grey clouds grow
droplets accumulate
and a cloud's shower pours
to crash onto my shoulders -
pelting the drenched

.

Nice evolution of a thought creating a verbal snapshot. This is the sort of thought I jot down from time to time; it serves as the start of a thought process aimed at creating a poem.

At this stage I'd be asking myself, why is this person out in the rain getting drenched? It wouldn't be a jogger caught in a thundershower; the image of rain pelting & crashing is too harsh for that. For a jogger the rain, though cold, might be a welcome respite after heating up from a long run.

It sounds like someone wandering, not caring where he is or where he is going. Is he depressed? Why? Love lost, heart broken perhaps? Or deep in thought, making a mid-life course correction?

Or it could get sex specific and be about a woman and that opens other possibilities - fleeing a bad relationship, distraught over a family loss.

Is he wandering aimlessly down the streets of a city while getting soaked or is he out in the countryside?

The possibilities just go on and on...

.

 

[wildsweetone]

.

Nice evolution of a thought creating a verbal snapshot. This is the sort of thought I jot down from time to time; it serves as the start of a thought process aimed at creating a poem.

At this stage I'd be asking myself, why is this person out in the rain getting drenched? It wouldn't be a jogger caught in a thundershower; the image of rain pelting & crashing is too harsh for that. For a jogger the rain, though cold, might be a welcome respite after heating up from a long run.

It sounds like someone wandering, not caring where he is or where he is going. Is he depressed? Why? Love lost, heart broken perhaps? Or deep in thought, making a mid-life course correction?

Or it could get sex specific and be about a woman and that opens other possibilities - fleeing a bad relationship, distraught over a family loss.

Is he wandering aimlessly down the streets of a city while getting soaked or is he out in the countryside?

The possibilities just go on and on...

.

or, it could just be that the rain really is coming down in buckets.

okay, serious...

why would the rain crash on shoulders? pelt down?


let me cluster...

not sure if this will work, but here goes...

 

[My Erotic Trail]

I considered writting more but it said what I was wanting said, I submitted it and today I thought of more I should have put down but it will be the shortest poem I have written, even my haiku submissions I generally post three at a time. I did mention the three minds that came up with it <grin I hope I didn't mess that up by adding a <grin> for <> is a command on submissions so we will see.

I do want to thank you two for the lesson <grin

 

[LeBroz]

or, it could just be that the rain really is coming down in buckets.

okay, serious...

why would the rain crash on shoulders? pelt down?


let me cluster...

not sure if this will work, but here goes...

.

I like that diagram - that's one way to sort through options/possibilities. Hadn't thought of that. Sometimes the "why" will work - why so sad? wife left - why? new lover - why prefer him? .... and maybe this sort of cascade ends up in a dead end. Charting out possibilities might help to clear the head & give new insight.
.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

.

I like that diagram - that's one way to sort through options/possibilities. Hadn't thought of that. Sometimes the "why" will work - why so sad? wife left - why? new lover - why prefer him? .... and maybe this sort of cascade ends up in a dead end. Charting out possibilities might help to clear the head & give new insight.
.

why

why did he inspire me
on a rainy day under the sunshine
why did my mother love my father
and god only knows why I was born
at the foot of a mountain

why ask why?
because I have to answer
when I ask my self why I do what I do
well thats like asking why birds walk
some times you just have to
ask why do I write
when your sitting there
'writing about asking why'

 

[wildsweetone]

okay, now i'm dying to know the end result. lol


LeBroz, the clustering is a little different. you choose your main word and then add on anything at all that relates to whatever your main word was - be very lateral in your thinking. then just let your mind flow to whichever area it prefers. basically i tend to leave off the diagram after the third 'bubble' and get down to writing.

Art, try writing the Why poem without the questions, without the 'why'. see what you come up with.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

okay, now i'm dying to know the end result. lol


LeBroz, the clustering is a little different. you choose your main word and then add on anything at all that relates to whatever your main word was - be very lateral in your thinking. then just let your mind flow to whichever area it prefers. basically i tend to leave off the diagram after the third 'bubble' and get down to writing.

Art, try writing the Why poem without the questions, without the 'why'. see what you come up with.

okay, but that calls for some changes <grin...

why?

do birds walk
hearts beat
feelings flare
stars shoot

how come blue is indigo
or songs a peach
seedless grapes sow
wet window panes
tear drops to pain

music to the toe
wale's blow hole
men having nipples
and cute little dimples

 

[wildsweetone]

men have cute little dimples?

back to...

why

why did he inspire me
on a rainy day under the sunshine
why did my mother love my father
and god only knows why I was born
at the foot of a mountain

why ask why?
because I have to answer
when I ask my self why I do what I do
well thats like asking why birds walk
some times you just have to
ask why do I write
when your sitting there
'writing about asking why'

i meant more hmm, answering the questions and the answer becoming a poem.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

men have cute little dimples?

back to...



i meant more hmm, answering the questions and the answer becoming a poem.

oh, okay! <grin...hummmm


why?


<grinin>

 

[wildsweetone]

oh, okay! <grin...hummmm


why?


<grinin>

because.


hey, i'm a woman, i can say 'because' if i want to.

actually, i do want to see what you write.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

because.


hey, i'm a woman, i can say 'because' if i want to.

actually, i do want to see what you write.

okay, feel like tinkering while I write? check out chasin chickens
the river

 

[wildsweetone]

okay. i may get held up as i'm the taxi service at the moment, and i'm half asleep. lol i'll go look.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

why

why did he inspire me
on a rainy day under the sunshine
why did my mother love my father
and god only knows why I was born
at the foot of a mountain

why ask why?
because I have to answer
when I ask my self why I do what I do
well thats like asking why birds walk
some times you just have to
ask why do I write
when your sitting there
'writing about asking why'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tossed inspiration
on a rainy day under the clouds
my mother saw something in my father's eye
and destiny cast me into this world
at the foot of a mountain

shall I answer myself
when asking myself
is doing what I do, right?
literary creations nightly
sitting there
writing and asking...

 

[wildsweetone]

see my bold...

why

why did he inspire me
on a rainy day under the sunshine
why did my mother love my father
and god only knows why I was born
at the foot of a mountain

why ask why?
because I have to answer
when I ask my self why I do what I do
well thats like asking why birds walk
some times you just have to
ask why do I write
when your sitting there
'writing about asking why'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tossed inspiration
on a rainy day under the clouds
my mother saw something in my father's eye(what was the 'something'?)
and destiny cast me into this world(i don't much like the word 'destiny' - can you be more specific, more concrete?)
at the foot of a mountain

shall I answer myself
when asking myself
is doing what I do, right?
literary creations nightly
sitting there
writing and asking...

 

[My Erotic Trail]

see my bold...

tossed inspiration
on a rainy day under the clouds
my mother saw love in my father's eye
and fate cast me into this world
at the foot of a mountain

shall I answer myself
when asking myself
is doing what I do, right?
literary creations nightly
sitting there
writing and asking...


(I see said the blind man <grin)