~Zen Mountain~

[wildsweetone]

tossed inspiration
on a rainy day under the clouds
my mother saw love in my father's eye
and fate cast me into this world
at the foot of a mountain

shall I answer myself
when asking myself
is doing what I do, right?
literary creations nightly
sitting there
writing and asking...


(I see said the blind man <grin)

guess what?

i don't like the word 'fate' either.



stretch yourself. it's good exercise. (and you're making me think too which is always a good thing!)

 

[My Erotic Trail]

guess what?

i don't like the word 'fate' either.



stretch yourself. it's good exercise. (and you're making me think too which is always a good thing!)

okay I'll think on that <grin thanks

 

[LeBroz]

okay I'll think on that <grin thanks

Why not change destiny or fate to:

"and life cast me into this world"

"Destiny" or "fate" sounds almost mystical or fatalistic; "life" seems to have more of a hard-edge to it. I want to suggest love but that already appears in the preceding line.
.

 

[quasar]

Why not change destiny or fate to:

"and life cast me into this world"

"Destiny" or "fate" sounds almost mystical or fatalistic; "life" seems to have more of a hard-edge to it. I want to suggest love but that already appears in the preceding line.
.

I agree with LeBroz, I was going to suggest

cast upon the Earth
at a mountain's foot

but I prefer LeBroz's line.

Art, I told you that posting to that lunatic will get you no where but drawn into his sick mind. You went and did it anyway. There are those with reason, then there are those who only understand hatred. His hatred for you will only grow if you shine light upon him. Do what you must but remember the disturbed PMs he sends will only stop when you no longer play his argumentative games.

 

[LeBroz]

I agree with LeBroz, I was going to suggest

cast upon the Earth
at a mountain's foot

but I prefer LeBroz's line.

Art, I told you that posting to that lunatic will get you no where but drawn into his sick mind. You went and did it anyway. There are those with reason, then there are those who only understand hatred. His hatred for you will only grow if you shine light upon him. Do what you must but remember the disturbed PMs he sends will only stop when you no longer play his argumentative games.

~ q ... look what you've done here!
You've started another poem that could go in many different directions.

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Love's child grew wild
In a wolf's lair

or nature theme...

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Oh, the possibilities...
.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

~ q ... look what you've done here!
You've started another poem that could go in many different directions.

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Love's child grew wild
In a wolf's lair

or nature theme...

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Oh, the possibilities...
.

wow, what do you have going here, Leon?
I like~

deep in the jungles
self consumed
in stealth shadows that move
across a panting mind
stalking fangs


stalking > 'ing' ???

well I don't quite have that mystical touch that you portrayed but inspirational for sure!

 

[LeBroz]

wow, what do you have going here, Leon?
I like~

deep in the jungles
self consumed
in stealth shadows that move
across a panting mind Why is the mind panting?
stalking fangs What is being stalked?


stalking > 'ing' ???

well I don't quite have that mystical touch that you portrayed but inspirational for sure!

Well, whatever it is, it started with you, then WSO, & now q. And whether it's one mind or four, it's the thinking that counts (or to be more precise, the questions asked) while writing. This is like a little poetry exercise - now what do we do with these newest lines you wrote?

Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Well, whatever it is, it started with you, then WSO, & now q. And whether it's one mind or four, it's the thinking that counts (or to be more precise, the questions asked) while writing. This is like a little poetry exercise - now what do we do with these newest lines you wrote?

Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

.

That's a good question <grin


Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

talon torn leaves
and broken limbs
predator's thunder burns
wrapped in warm red
feeding its hunger

 

[LeBroz]

That's a good question <grin


Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

talon torn leaves
and broken limbs
predator's thunder burns
wrapped in warm red
feeding its hunger

And it all started with a cloud's cold shower. I think I see a small problem in timing. It reads, prey devoured then stalked, then the act of devouring. Try this little switch:


Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Talon torn leaves
Broken limbs
Predator's thunder burns
Wrapped in warm red
Its hunger well fed.

Now what do you think?

 

[My Erotic Trail]

And it all started with a cloud's cold shower. I think I see a small problem in timing. It reads, prey devoured then stalked, then the act of devouring. Try this little switch:


Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Talon torn leaves
Broken limbs
Predator's thunder burns
Wrapped in warm red
Its hunger well fed.

Now what do you think?

not only is it better it is correct <grin thanks leon, I am curious to what your images were drawn from, I was thinking of a tiger in the jungle stalking and leaping upon its prey <grin

 

[LeBroz]

not only is it better it is correct <grin thanks leon, I am curious to what your images were drawn from, I was thinking of a tiger in the jungle stalking and leaping upon its prey <grin

"Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured"

When quasar dropped those first two lines, it set me to thinking. First thought was of an abandoned baby raised by wild animals. Then I tried to think of another way to go with those two lines and I remembered something I'd recently read. About how early primitive humans were hunted by birds (remember, these early humans were half the size of modern man - and a raptor is a bird of prey). Okay, so back then the birds might have been larger and went for infants and children. So I stretched it a bit, imagining an even larger bird and a small adult and the roles are reversed ~ suddenly the hunter becomes the prey. The huge bird descends on an unsuspecting man as an eagle now might hunt small prey such as a mouse or rabbit, grabs him and tosses him at the foot of a mountain where he prepares to tear into his meal.

So, combined with what you were thinking, the human faces dire challenges. First he's hunted by a tiger. Then snatched up by a huge bird of prey, dumped, watches in terror as the bird's talons start ripping him into bite-sized bits.

Maybe that's why I've never warmed to birds as pets - they're just good for dinner. Let the bird sweat his destined fate - the oven.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

together we ride
a marital highway
and some times
we go different ways

I go to work
you drive the kids
then we go together
on slumber drive

I projected a future
down the road
yet your going
the other way

I want south
and you want north
each standing firm
at the cross roads

it will take time
to apply the brakes
and turn
myself around

 

[quasar]

"Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured"

When quasar dropped those first two lines, it set me to thinking. First thought was of an abandoned baby raised by wild animals. Then I tried to think of another way to go with those two lines and I remembered something I'd recently read. About how early primitive humans were hunted by birds (remember, these early humans were half the size of modern man - and a raptor is a bird of prey). Okay, so back then the birds might have been larger and went for infants and children. So I stretched it a bit, imagining an even larger bird and a small adult and the roles are reversed ~ suddenly the hunter becomes the prey. The huge bird descends on an unsuspecting man as an eagle now might hunt small prey such as a mouse or rabbit, grabs him and tosses him at the foot of a mountain where he prepares to tear into his meal.

So, combined with what you were thinking, the human faces dire challenges. First he's hunted by a tiger. Then snatched up by a huge bird of prey, dumped, watches in terror as the bird's talons start ripping him into bite-sized bits.

Maybe that's why I've never warmed to birds as pets - they're just good for dinner. Let the bird sweat his destined fate - the oven.

Clever and I truely liked the last paragraph. Primal and prehistoric was conveyed in the poem that transformed and grew. So it is true that another poem can sprout from a poem.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Clever and I truely liked the last paragraph. Primal and prehistoric was conveyed in the poem that transformed and grew. So it is true that another poem can sprout from a poem.

Deep in the jungle
Self consumed
In stealth shadows that move
Across a panicked mind
Fangs stalk a bipedal dinner

Cast upon the Earth
At a mountain's foot
Raptor's prey lay
Eyes of terror watch
Itself devoured

Talon torn leaves
Broken limbs
Predator's thunder burns
Wrapped in warm red
Its hunger well fed.


the result of your lines <grin

 

[My Erotic Trail]

zmp~ a blade

there is one
brushing against another
as the wind blows

they all look
the same as the others
as they grow and grow

dance in a breeze
and hide under fallen leaves
as mower rows are made

a blanket of green
crowded by the many ones
a single grass, a blade​

 

[My Erotic Trail]

zmp~ a water's roar

subdued silence
broken by pelting rain
the roar of the water

a song of the liquid sky
heaven's tears flooding
each falling drops cry
a choir in steady unison

thunder's solo
symbols clashing
soothed by
the water's roar​

 

[quasar]

zmp~ a water's roar

subdued silence
broken by pelting rain
the roar of the water

a song of the liquid sky
heaven's tears flooding
each falling drops cry
a choir in steady unison

thunder's solo
symbols clashing
soothed by
the water's roar​

This has great possibilities. I would suggest a couple things.

Silence subdued
by pelting rain

and
the sky sings a liquid song
heaven's flooding tears
the cries of falling droplets
a choir in unison

one more
a symbol's clash
then the soothing song
of the water's roar

Just a suggestion or two with out getting indepth. I enjoy your visions and the task of laying the words out to present them well are minor in comparrison to reaching the reader with your presentation of nature. I do enjoy your ZMP poems. They are heart felt and wholesome.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

This has great possibilities. I would suggest a couple things.

Silence subdued
by pelting rain

and
the sky sings a liquid song
heaven's flooding tears
the cries of falling droplets
a choir in unison

one more
a symbol's clash
then the soothing song
of the water's roar

Just a suggestion or two with out getting indepth. I enjoy your visions and the task of laying the words out to present them well are minor in comparrison to reaching the reader with your presentation of nature. I do enjoy your ZMP poems. They are heart felt and wholesome.

I see the slight changes change it in a big way ...thanks

 

[My Erotic Trail]

zmp~ a water's roar

Silence subdued
by pelting rain
the roar of the water

the sky sings a liquid song
heaven's flooding tears
the cries of falling droplets
a choir in unison


thunder's solo
a symbol's clash
then the soothing song
of the water's roar



okay...better?

 

[LeBroz]

zmp~ a water's roar

Silence subdued
by pelting rain
the roar of the water

the sky sings a liquid song
heaven's flooding tears
the cries of falling droplets
a choir in unison


thunder's solo
a symbol's clash
then the soothing song
of the water's roar



okay...better?

.
Did you mean symbol or cymbal?
.

 

[LeBroz]

.
I'm on a blonde kick ~ don't know what brought that on. There's one today and another tomorrow.

Take a look at In Praise of Blondes and then compare it to how it started yesterday afternoon:

Secrets of the Universe revealed
With facts so oft obscured;
Like knowing who's the real blonde
Without looking at the roots~
She's the smart one.

I may have tried to pare it down too much. Now when I read the finished write it seems to sound like a bad blonde joke gone flat. Take a look and see what you think.
.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

.
I'm on a blonde kick ~ don't know what brought that on. There's one today and another tomorrow.

Take a look at In Praise of Blondes and then compare it to how it started yesterday afternoon:

Secrets of the Universe revealed
With facts so oft obscured;
Like knowing who's the real blonde
Without looking at the roots~
She's the smart one.

I may have tried to pare it down too much. Now when I read the finished write it seems to sound like a bad blonde joke gone flat. Take a look and see what you think.
.

you know leon,
Honestly, I like both..

here's the other

In Praise of Blondes

Universal secrets
Rarely apprehended; <<<With facts so oft obscured;
To know the real blonde <this is shorter and says the same
Without the roots revealed ~ << same here shorter but same
She's the smart one.

you tightened it up which is what I so often hear but for tempo
they both flow with each line... like the first poem poem one we will call it, is longer and each line matches, sounds good. You shortened poem two and it flows great with all lines the same beat. So if you want my opinion both work nicely but the second is tighter <grin You did good with this one <grin

 

[LeBroz]

you know leon,
Honestly, I like both..

here's the other

In Praise of Blondes

Universal secrets
Rarely apprehended; <<<With facts so oft obscured;
To know the real blonde <this is shorter and says the same
Without the roots revealed ~ << same here shorter but same
She's the smart one.

you tightened it up which is what I so often hear but for tempo
they both flow with each line... like the first poem poem one we will call it, is longer and each line matches, sounds good. You shortened poem two and it flows great with all lines the same beat. So if you want my opinion both work nicely but the second is tighter <grin You did good with this one <grin

Thanks. When I submitted it yesterday, I was satisfied but as time went on I kept re-reading it, like a dog trying to scratch away that flea. Finally came to the solution which I put down as a comment to the write, then I submitted an EDITED version.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Thanks. When I submitted it yesterday, I was satisfied but as time went on I kept re-reading it, like a dog trying to scratch away that flea. Finally came to the solution which I put down as a comment to the write, then I submitted an EDITED version.

I didn't get to read it yet, (headed to work) but I see a follow up poem in the new poems list <big grin>...I will give it my full attention this afternoon.

 

[bluerains]

Maxims of Master Han Shan

(from Journey to Dreamland)


Vast as the universe is, it fits inside the mind. Small as the body is, there is not enough in creation to satisfy it.