Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Iamsubmissive]

I would like to open up a serious discussion on this topic...

Bit of background on me:
I have recently entered an online D/s relationship for the first time. I didn't really know what to expect or how it would work. I've had a couple real life Doms, both were long term, serious relationships. I am very monogamous and rely heavily on the emotional connection as well as physical attraction. When I decided to try online D/s, I guess I thought it would be kinda like RL without the physical stuff...maybe a close second to RL? I also thought I was experienced enough to navigate it without trouble...but I was so wrong in all aspects!

People often advise new subs to join support groups or chat with other subs. In RL my submission came so naturally I didn't feel the need for "support" other than reading and research I did on my own. But this online thing is very unfamiliar water for me, and I've been looking for online groups to join (without much luck). So I thought maybe there other people here that might be in the same boat, or some with experience or advice to share.

I am mainly interested in the emotional impact on subs, but welcome input from Doms as well (it wold be nice to hear how things worked from their end). And also, the following:
How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?
How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?
Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?
Did you get bored? Or fall in love?
How long did it last? Why did it end?
What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

I hope at least some people feel comfortable enough to share or even voice their own concerns. I'm interested in hearing about good or bad experiences.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I realized I didn't really expand on my own feelings or issues, so I added this post.

My online partner and I have been getting to know each other on a personal, not just sexual, level. We're still building a solid foundation of trust, but so far we are very compatible. We live too far apart for a RL meeting to be possible. Well, eventually we could manage a meet, but relocating for either one of us isn't an option.

As I said before, I get very emotionally involved and I'm finding it difficult to separate it from my RL. It's weird, but there is more 'separation anxiety' with my online Dom than previous RL relationships. It's hard not to want 'more' and I worry about it becoming unhealthy or investing too much in something that most likely won't move to the next level.

Even though I really enjoy our interactions, I wonder if I should avoid this kind of situation. Plus, I worry about how or when it will end...how disappointing or devastating would that be? But, how much greater could it get also? There are just a lot of new emotions I haven't had before. And submitting online is a lot different from in person. Not less 'real'...just different, along with different feelings...and I'm actually discovering a lot of new things about myself through this experience.

In my online search for answers, I did find one site that was pretty helpful for what I was looking for. And I found one article that explained how you can miss someone you never met:

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2015/06/submitting-in-a-long-distance-relationship-missing-you/

 

[SilverBass]

First of all let me say I have no experience at all with an online BDSM relationship, and for that matter I am a new Dom myself with my first RL sub. I am however very familiar with traditional online relationships, and really everything you have said is true of your standard vanilla sexual or emotional or romantic online relationship. There is still the possibility of separation anxiety, the desire to meet in RL and etc. Everything you have said.

I have talked to many others who have experienced the same, some even thinking they are ready for marriage without ever having met. I'd say about 2/3 of the time when these long term online relationships become real life, they don't work out. So really I consider online relationships to be a big part fantasy. Yes, you can still fall in love and become emotionally and even sexually dependent on your partner, but all of this does not necessarily translate to RL. We have two kinds of chemistry at play here. Cyber/virtual/online/phone and then RL. They may or may not be the same. However, if you don't see the possibility of this ever becoming RL, then does RL even matter? I'd say not. But keep in mind that even if you are OK with your cyber relationship always being strictly cyber, it can still be both very fulfilling and heartbreaking. But then again, so can traditional RL relationships too. I'd say just go for it and see what happens. Others can give you advice, but really that advice applies to both real life and cyber. If you'd like to talk more about it by all means you can PM me. I've always been interested in relationship dynamics of all kinds. Good luck!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

First of all let me say I have no experience at all with an online BDSM relationship, and for that matter I am a new Dom myself with my first RL sub. I am however very familiar with traditional online relationships, and really everything you have said is true of your standard vanilla sexual or emotional or romantic online relationship. There is still the possibility of separation anxiety, the desire to meet in RL and etc. Everything you have said.

However, if you don't see the possibility of this ever becoming RL, then does RL even matter? I'd say not. But keep in mind that even if you are OK with your cyber relationship always being strictly cyber, it can still be both very fulfilling and heartbreaking. But then again, so can traditional RL relationships too. I'd say just go for it and see what happens.

I see your point in that any online relationship would apply to these issues. That makes sense. I've never had any type of online relationship before...and I probably never would have, except this was for a specific D/s need. Well, I didnt 'need' to do it, but I guess I looked at it as 'substitute' for the real thing. And I wasn't prepared to 'feel' as much as I did. I think it's a little different than a regular romantic online relationship because you're purposely handing over control to someone...and that control inevitably seeps into some parts of your real life just by the nature of rituals or tasks you are doing to 'serve'. There's a little more structure...a little more dependency...a different kind of 'need'. In a regular romantic relationship, you're just being you, they are being them, and your getting to know each other. You're not necessarily placing part of yourself in their hands. It can get a little tricky I'm finding out. But thanks for the advice...it does help in thinking of terms of risk in any relationship, online or RL!

 

[Farawyn]

I would like to open up a serious discussion on this topic...

Bit of background on me:
I have recently entered an online D/s relationship for the first time. I didn't really know what to expect or how it would work. I've had a couple real life Doms, both were long term, serious relationships. I am very monogamous and rely heavily on the emotional connection as well as physical attraction. When I decided to try online D/s, I guess I thought it would be kinda like RL without the physical stuff...maybe a close second to RL? I also thought I was experienced enough to navigate it without trouble...but I was so wrong in all aspects!

People often advise new subs to join support groups or chat with other subs. In RL my submission came so naturally I didn't feel the need for "support" other than reading and research I did on my own. But this online thing is very unfamiliar water for me, and I've been looking for online groups to join (without much luck). So I thought maybe there other people here that might be in the same boat, or some with experience or advice to share.

I am mainly interested in the emotional impact on subs, but welcome input from Doms as well (it wold be nice to hear how things worked from their end). And also, the following:
How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?
How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?
Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?
Did you get bored? Or fall in love?
How long did it last? Why did it end?
What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

I hope at least some people feel comfortable enough to share or even voice their own concerns. I'm interested in hearing about good or bad experiences.

I have been involved in online relationships both casual and deep. I am now in a RL relationship that started online.
I would agree with Silver that what you are describing is NOT limited to D/s relationships, but all romantic/ sexual relationships online.

How did you find the right Dom online and built trust?

Well, he spoke to me like a person, first. Then a friend. Then a woman. Then a sub. He listens to me at all times. He takes my words and he absorbs them. I trust him implicitly.

How do I deal with the lack of physical contact, or intermittent contact?

It's challenging. We speak throughout the day. Just bullshit to deep stuff. On text on the phone. We send pics.
But eventually we couldn't deal with the lack of contact. So, we met.

Is it satisfying?

It's more satisfying than not talking to him at all. But I do feel lonely. I miss him. In past relationships, the online stuff made me feel lonely. More lonely.
This makes me feel less lonely, now. But it's still hard.

Did I get bored or fall in love?
I fell in love. Luckily, so did he.

How long did it last?
It's still going on.
Past relationships, I'm mostly still friends with the person. Which leads me to believe I have good taste. That they liked me for me.

What worked?
Phone. Voice. Knowing he was who he said he was. Talking about real, everyday stuff.
What is difficulty?
The nature of online: Insecurity. Jealousy. Missed communication. Phone issues. Computer issues. Longing. Yearning. Need.

This being said, I have a wonderful thing going on. While my guy is Dominant to me, he is not my Dom. He's the man I love.

In the past I have had Dommy types task me, edge me, bla bla bla. In those relationships, I made sure that I did what they said. I was not going to pretend I was feeling it if I was not. What is the point of that?
But I can't be a sexpot 24/7. I didn't want that after the thrill ran off.
I wanted real.
I have that now and I'm really fucking happy.

Good luck. This topic has come up before. I hope you get sincere answers.

 

[Farawyn]

Also

I have great online FRIENDS, both male and women. My girls are where I live. I have friends that I met online 17 years ago. That I've now met. Friends from nursing websites.
The girlfriends I've met here have become some of my best friends. So, there is an intensity to online PLATONIC friendships as well as romantic and D/s.

I have many RL friends, but these girls here mean just as much to me.

I think online can be very intense. There's no distractions. If you are connecting with someone online that's what you are doing. You aren't distracted like in RL.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

How did you find the right Dom online and built trust?
Well, he spoke to me like a person, first. Then a friend. Then a woman. Then a sub. He listens to me at all times. He takes me words and he absorbs them. I trust him implicitly.

How long did it last?
It's still going on.
Past relationships, I'm mostly still friends with the person. Which leads me to believe I have good taste. That they liked me for me.

What is difficulty?
The nature of online: Insecurity. Jealousy. Missed communication. Phone issues. Computer issues. Longing. Yearning. Need.

This being said, I have a wonderful thing going on. While my guy is Dominant to me, he is not my Dom. He's the man I love.

In the past I have had Dommy types task me, edge me, bla bla bla. In those relationships, I made sure that I did what they said. I was not going to pretend I was feeling it if I was not. What is the point of that?
But I can't be a sexpot 24/7. I didn't want that after the thrill ran off.
I wanted real.
I have that now and I'm really fucking happy.

Good luck. This topic has come up before. I hope you get sincere answers.

Thank you for sharing that. You said a lot of good stuff I can relate to. I'm so glad it worked out the way it did for you. You're both very lucky!

I like the response to how you built trust. It says a lot when it's not all about sex right from the start...or 24/7.

 

[Lofn1216]

How appropriate it was to see your thread when I logged in as I was just getting on to look at any info I could find on an online d/s relationship. I'm current in a long distance online relationship with my Master. We text often throughout the day and when we can in the evenings. My hardest issue to deal with is dealing with drop after a session because we are so far apart. I will say it has been some of the loneliest feelings. And I understand when you talk about the separation anxiety being seemingly worse in an online relationship. I also think it is hard for me at times because although this is not my first online relationship, it is the first where I've developed such a connection and chemistry with my partner.

 

[SilverBass]

How appropriate it was to see your thread when I logged in as I was just getting on to look at any info I could find on an online d/s relationship. I'm current in a long distance online relationship with my Master. We text often throughout the day and when we can in the evenings. My hardest issue to deal with is dealing with drop after a session because we are so far apart. I will say it has been some of the loneliest feelings. And I understand when you talk about the separation anxiety being seemingly worse in an online relationship. I also think it is hard for me at times because although this is not my first online relationship, it is the first where I've developed such a connection and chemistry with my partner.

Since I've never had an online BDSM relationship before, I was just curious about how others have done it. Are these relationships in addition to a real world relationship? And if so, is this one way to have an additional sexual relationship without physically cheating? Also, do your online Dom's have any influence or control over you in real world relationships with others? Would you allow your Dom that control if you met someone locally that you liked? And, how long could your survive with only an online BDSM relationship? Do you stick it out in hopes of one day making it real world? And what if there is no way it ever will be? And/or is the cyber-Dom the end goal and that's all you need?

 

[NewSubQuestions]

I want to say thank you Iamsubmissive!!! What a wonderful post to start and I love your bravery and honesty. I am afraid I don't have much experience. The longest of my online relationship lasted 6 weeks both times with some even shorter relationships in between those. I can tell you that like you I long for real life but my situation as a single mother prevents that from accruing in my life and this emotional connection with another does quentch the thirst for me however I will say that I was extremely emotionally crushed after both failed attempts. I think the trick with long term online dom's may be the trusted and true test of time. Seeing if they but more effort then a 6week trial? What happens when you fail them? What are they like when the easy stuff is over and it's a little work? I am like you in that I emotionally invest my whole self into my dom. I give every single part of me I have to give and maybe after 6 weeks of time that was not such a smart
Thing to do. I think just like anything in life you live and learn and make mistakes along the way!

I can't tell you how happy I was to find this discussion though. Because sometimes posting in the BDSM talk has made me feel it might be more for the RL relationships then stroll your online. I adore Knowing there are other sub out there suffering the same pains and finding them self wondering if any of this is even real! Big big i hugs to you brave Iamsubmissive! This is by far my favorite thread now as I'm so looking forward to hearing everyone talk about their experiences!!! Welcome to lit girly

 

[Farawyn]

Can I ask the reasons it is online only?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Can I ask the reasons it is online only?

Well, for me the issue is distance, but I guess I should have titled the thread online or long distance D/s because some people do have a mix of online and real life when they are separated by miles. I just find that primarily online submission is much different than 'in person'.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Faraway the reasons for my online only relationship are simply that I am a single mom. Not just a single mom but a single mom without any family to help. I have very few people I trust with my children. I work full time and then the rest of my time is devoted to my children. My daughters dad is not involved at all so she is with me 24-7 when I am not at work. This does not leave much time for dating. My life is lonely at times and this brings fulfillment to my life. I have however found it not as satisfying as a RL relationship of course but it keeps me sane and makes me feel cared for.

The problem I am running into is that either people will tell you what they want to get what they want from you or they were not prepared to be in this type of relationship. I'm not sure I have figured out which is true yet. My recent ex-dom told me he needed to end the relationship because he cared about me so much that it was real but not real. That he did not want to live his life on a screen. and many other hurtful things that might have been true for him. I don't think this type of relationship is for everyone but I do feel that for me it works. I would however like a much longer lasting relationship then has occurred and I'm not entirely sure that is possible online. I'm really looking forward to hearing other subs stories myself?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

How appropriate it was to see your thread when I logged in as I was just getting on to look at any info I could find on an online d/s relationship. I'm current in a long distance online relationship with my Master. We text often throughout the day and when we can in the evenings. My hardest issue to deal with is dealing with drop after a session because we are so far apart. I will say it has been some of the loneliest feelings. And I understand when you talk about the separation anxiety being seemingly worse in an online relationship. I also think it is hard for me at times because although this is not my first online relationship, it is the first where I've developed such a connection and chemistry with my partner.

When I was looking online for group discussions like this, I didn't really find anything that fit the bill. There are chatrooms, but I was looking more for ongoing discussions and support. One website, submissiveguide.Com had a lot of helpful articles and sort of a 'Dear Abby' section for advice. I saw a lot of online sub that had questions and worries. So, I was kinda hoping this thread could benefit all those who need a place to talk to subs in similar situations, or share stories, or just vent, complain, or cry on our virtual shoulders. I do hope we get some good discussion and support here.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

again wonderful idea IamSubmissive to start this discussion! I'm supper excited can you tell lol seriously though I have some dom friends but I don't have any sub friends as of yet so this is amazing to get a point of view from other subs

 

[Miles Long]

Well, for me the issue is distance, but I guess I should have titled the thread online or long distance D/s because some people do have a mix of online and real life when they are separated by miles. I just find that primarily online submission is much different than 'in person'.

Whoa there - don't blame me!

 

[sassygirlisback]

Whoa there - don't blame me!

I see what you did there. I like you.

 

[Farawyn]

Whoa there - don't blame me!

It seems it's your fault.

 

[Miles Long]

I see what you did there. I like you.

It seems it's your fault.

The things I've been falsely accused of around here over the years could fill a book! Harrumph I say!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

again wonderful idea IamSubmissive to start this discussion! I'm supper excited can you tell lol seriously though I have some dom friends but I don't have any sub friends as of yet so this is amazing to get a point of view from other subs

I'm so glad to have other people interested. I would like to have some sub friends too

And in response to your situation, I completely understand how it would be hard to have RL D/s with your kids and other responsibilities. It sucks that you had 2 onlines end that way, but don't give up. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince...I'm sure he's out there!

 

[SilverBass]

I'm so glad to have other people interested. I would like to have some sub friends too

I'm not a sub friend, but I'm still very interested! Consider myself a curious Gentle Dom friend! In your first post you said you recently entered into an online D/s relationship. Just wondering how long that has been? Some people can become attached very quickly, but for others it takes a while. Seems to me the ones that come on real fast can also end just as fast as a solid foundation was skipped right over. Then again, sometimes it works anyway. Lots of questions here, but just because I am very interested and the more I know about it the more I'll understand.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I'm not a sub friend, but I'm still very interested! Consider myself a curious Gentle Dom friend! In your first post you said you recently entered into an online D/s relationship. Just wondering how long that has been? Some people can become attached very quickly, but for others it takes a while. Seems to me the ones that come on real fast can also end just as fast as a solid foundation was skipped right over. Then again, sometimes it works anyway. Lots of questions here, but just because I am very interested and the more I know about it the more I'll understand.

Well, we've only been in a D/s relationship for about a month but we've been casually taking for a couple months before that.

And I'd be happy to add a Gentle Dom friend to my list of friends too.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Just to throw this out there...I talked to one sub that had an online relationship going on four years. They interacted daily, sometimes multiple times a day. They used skype to spend time together even when doing everyday things like cooking dinner, watching a movie together, and going to sleep at night and waking up together. To them, it was very real...almost as if they were actually physically together most of the time.

I don't know if I could take it that far...I haven't even graduated to skype yet and existing on only that for four years would be too difficult for me.

Even though I'm monogamous, that doesn't really carry over to online stuff. He's my only online relationship, and the only Dom I submit to now. But we are both free to date others in our real life. Ultimately we both want a forever relationship with the right person, and in a perfect world that could be with each other but right now neither one of us would be willing to move to the other. Buy who knows what the future holds...

 

[Farawyn]

Iamsubmissive, what are you looking for?

Are you emotionally involved?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Iamsubmissive, what are you looking for?

Are you emotionally involved?

I don't really know exactly what I was looking for when I started this online relationship. It never occurred to me to search online for companionship...I guess I was just looking for some D/s fun. The problem is I have never been a fan of 'cybersex' in terms of a quick onetime 'get each other off' kind of thing. It just doesn't appeal to me. So I figured some type of 'get to know you' semi long term relationship would maybe work. But i didnt expect to connect with someone on they level we did. Then the real problem is I did get emotionally involved with my online Dom. He's amazing! Absolutely perfect in the way I would want a RL Dom to be. And just as a person in general. He's witty and fun, but can be serious and strict too. He's very creative and knows exactly how to read me. And damn, if I could draw a picture of my ideal man...it would pretty much look just like him. We're still having fun getting to know each other...and not exchanging I love yous or anything, but I could see myself falling hard for him. That's scary to me...