adulterous affairs and flings

[suthernhunny]

"So I broke my word. So it's a blot on my integrity. From where I'm sitting, as an acknowledged blatantly selfish person, I'm more than willing to sacrifice some integrity for my own happiness. Better that than to remain miserable and get worse. I never lost much sleep over it. "

Well said!!!

I too am an acknowledged blatantly selfish person!! Sacrificing integrity for happines? I dont think so.

Does a person have more integrity because they only "think" about having sex with someone else without physical contact?

Is adultry only physical? I cheated in my heart with a cyberlover long before there was physical contact with my current lover.

Agonizing over the guilt of cheating from the heart is much harder than the guilt of cheating with the body. And not near as much fun!!

Without making myself happy, how can I make anyone else happy in my life?

Just points to ponder!!

 

[likes_to_purr]

"So I broke my word. So it's a blot on my integrity. From where I'm sitting, as an acknowledged blatantly selfish person, I'm more than willing to sacrifice some integrity for my own happiness. Better that than to remain miserable and get worse. I never lost much sleep over it. "

Well said!!!

I too am an acknowledged blatantly selfish person!! Sacrificing integrity for happines? I dont think so.

Does a person have more integrity because they only "think" about having sex with someone else without physical contact?

Is adultry only physical? I cheated in my heart with a cyberlover long before there was physical contact with my current lover.

Agonizing over the guilt of cheating from the heart is much harder than the guilt of cheating with the body. And not near as much fun!!
_____


Without making myself happy, how can I make anyone else happy in my life?

Just points to ponder!!

 

[_sticky_stuff]

Flings and things!

Do it! After years of marriage and suffering from underappreciation and underutilization, I just stepped out a few months ago.

I met a married woman online, we emailed quite a bit, met for drinks, agreed the chemistry was there and dove in.

The result has been some of the most fabulous sex I have experienced in a decade! We meet about once per week in a hotel (posh), hang out, get naked, talk for hours, laugh and of course, engage in amazing sex.

Want to hear more? Happy to tell. I'm new to the site and my illicit affair ;-) has led me to dive backk into my creative writing. The result has been some amazing erotic stories -- non-fiction ...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: Flings and things!

Do it! After years of marriage and suffering from underappreciation and underutilization, I just stepped out a few months ago.

I met a married woman online, we emailed quite a bit, met for drinks, agreed the chemistry was there and dove in.

The result has been some of the most fabulous sex I have experienced in a decade! We meet about once per week in a hotel (posh), hang out, get naked, talk for hours, laugh and of course, engage in amazing sex.

Want to hear more? Happy to tell. I'm new to the site and my illicit affair ;-) has led me to dive backk into my creative writing. The result has been some amazing erotic stories -- non-fiction ...

Wow, and all that time I wasted on education and integrity, when all I had to do was think with my cock?!? Silly me...I thought the goal in life was to become a worthwhile human being, not to get cheap thrills in hotel rooms.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Flings and things!

Do it! After years of marriage and suffering from underappreciation and underutilization, I just stepped out a few months ago.

I met a married woman online, we emailed quite a bit, met for drinks, agreed the chemistry was there and dove in.

The result has been some of the most fabulous sex I have experienced in a decade! We meet about once per week in a hotel (posh), hang out, get naked, talk for hours, laugh and of course, engage in amazing sex.

Want to hear more? Happy to tell. I'm new to the site and my illicit affair ;-) has led me to dive backk into my creative writing. The result has been some amazing erotic stories -- non-fiction ...

Maybe if you'd taken those hours all these years to hang out, talk for hours, laugh, and maybe even engage in sex with your spouse you wouldn't be so underappreciated & underutilized?
And if you're so unhappy, why not leave instead of making a mockery of your word and helping some lady do the same with hers?

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: Flings and things!

Do it! After years of marriage and suffering from underappreciation and underutilization, I just stepped out a few months ago.

I met a married woman online, we emailed quite a bit, met for drinks, agreed the chemistry was there and dove in.

The result has been some of the most fabulous sex I have experienced in a decade! We meet about once per week in a hotel (posh), hang out, get naked, talk for hours, laugh and of course, engage in amazing sex.

Want to hear more? Happy to tell. I'm new to the site and my illicit affair ;-) has led me to dive backk into my creative writing. The result has been some amazing erotic stories -- non-fiction ...

I've said this before and I'll say it again, and again if necessary. If you remain in a loveless marriage you're dumb. GET OUT OF IT. I've been that route myself, lasted 12yrs and would have probably stayed longer as unhappy as I was, but I finally realized that the tension and stress was causing my health problems.

Cheating or having a fling isn't harmless fun. Just ask _sticky_stuff how much fun it is when his wife finds out. Cheating doesn't involve two people, it involves more than two people. There are the cheaters and their spouses, any kids or family. The stress and tension gets spread around quite evenly when the affair is discovered. And it usually is discovered.

I too am an acknowledged blatantly selfish person!! Sacrificing integrity for happines? I dont think so.

Well you should. You have a marriage where you claim to love your husband, and yet you're willing to sneak around behind his back, lie to him and eventually hurt him in the worst way possible. Are you truly happy? Or are you just confusing lust for happiness, and if you really aren't as happy as you claim, why don't you bite the bullet and divorce him?

Does a person have more integrity because they only "think" about having sex with someone else without physical contact?

There is considerable difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Hell I lust after Nicole Kidman, but I know I'll never even meet her. My wife knows I think she's beautiful and would love to fuck her, but she also knows I would never do anything about it. Even if Nicole came to my front door naked, I'd not cheat on my wife. Why? Because I love my wife and wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

Is adultry only physical? I cheated in my heart with a cyberlover long before there was physical contact with my current lover.

Ah... the ever present question about cybersex. Personally I think its so damn close to cheating that I won't do it. My own wife disagrees with me on this issue, but she doesn't cyber. Others will disagree I'm sure. This particular debate is probably best left to another thread.

Agonizing over the guilt of cheating from the heart is much harder than the guilt of cheating with the body. And not near as much fun!!

Without making myself happy, how can I make anyone else happy in my life?

Just points to ponder!!

Lets not talk about the pain you feel, lets talk about how much pain you'll cause your husband when he finds out. Is he even aware that you were unhappy, that you might of wanted more from the relationship that he wasn't providing? Or will this come clear out of the blue, blowing his life and ego to shreds?

Your absolutely right, you can't make someone else happy if you're unhappy. What I can't understand is if you've tried all the ways to communicate the problem to hubby and failed, then why continue in a relationship that is making you miserable and forcing you to cheat on your mate?

You can't be all that much in love with him if you're willing to hurt him. While I've never cheated, I've seen the results of it on friends. Social circles suddenly shrink as friends take sides, work suffers, unplanned for lawyers fees, the kids start doing poorly in school, the angonizing over splitting of property AND children.

No, I don't believe cheating justifies the costs. If the relationship you are in is so bad that you need to resort to cheating, you need to end it and find yourself someone that can make you happy. And I'm sorry, but I can't buy the line of "I love my hubby/wife, but I need to cheat to get what I need". If you're cheating, then you don't love that person enough to take the steps to save the relationship and if thats the case, then its time to end it.

 

[SnoManX]

I was young, single, and stupid - she was married for 6 years with 2 kids and after months of offers I finally gave in. Still regretting it to this day!!! It wasn't great or pleasurable because the whole time I kept on thinking about what my family would say and what her husband would do. Even though she filed for divorce the next week, (and I probably wasn't the reason) it still bothers me and one of the biggest moments of my life that I regret.
I have always been against cheating and even though I have done it, I still think it is a sorry escape from reality. If you have the intentions of cheating on your SO then why not break it off right there and then (while it may hurt one or both) it is still easier than dealing with the guilt. Cheating doesn't solve anyone's problems - it might help for the time being but in the end it is still just a bandage for an unhealing wound that can only fester.

As a rule of thumb, if you feel the need to cheat than the relationship isn't worth continuing. Just ended it for both parties in fairness.

Although ending a relationship maybe hard...it's alot harder to know that they have lied to you and gone behind your back!!!

 

[honestone]

I just logged on and thought I could offer some experience.

I am currently involved with someone that I had a relationship with 25 years ago. This relationship has caused a discussion with my spouse and a renewal of our life together.

25 years went by because of a fling (or adulterous affair) that was never discussed. The problem was that all three of us had different impressions of the event and were damaged individually and indelably.

So my sugestion is to go to your spouse and discuss with him your thoughts. On one hand it is possible that that alone will cause some excitement. On another he may give you his permission, because he loves you, and that can be very hot.

I have been at this relationship thing for a long time and the thing that has sustained me is honest and open and immediate comunication.

Life is for living. Look to yourself for the definition.

 

[James G 5]

I just logged on and thought I could offer some experience.

I am currently involved with someone that I had a relationship with 25 years ago. This relationship has caused a discussion with my spouse and a renewal of our life together.

25 years went by because of a fling (or adulterous affair) that was never discussed. The problem was that all three of us had different impressions of the event and were damaged individually and indelably.

So my sugestion is to go to your spouse and discuss with him your thoughts. On one hand it is possible that that alone will cause some excitement. On another he may give you his permission, because he loves you, and that can be very hot.

I have been at this relationship thing for a long time and the thing that has sustained me is honest and open and immediate comunication.

Life is for living. Look to yourself for the definition.

Not bad advice in some ways...but handle telling your spouse VERY carefully, it rarely goes well
I beleive the key to doing this succesfully is to talk about it & seek permission BEFORE you actually do anything
My previous comment about cheating refered to doing it behind your spouses' backs and lying about it
If the spouses are cool with it, no harm no foul...as long as you give them the same permission

 

[Angler]

Never cheated on my first wife or my second wife. Neither has cheated on me, that I know of. However here is a twist which involve a lying and cheating in a different manner. It involves my first wife. Every day of our 15 year marriage I told my first wife how much I loved her ... that she was the prettiest woman in the world. Despite this she became very distant and cold early in our marriage.
I sacrificed my career a moved to a small PA town (near her mother) to make her happy. She became even less affectionate, ignoring me most of the time. Sex was routine and predictable but I didn't care... I just loved being intimate with her. She was not happy ... AT ALL. I felt like a rapist and so I stopped initiating sex. When I mentioned separation she jumped at the chance. The pain and tears would take up too much time to describe.
After the eventual divorce she put the final knife in me. My ex told me, the tears she cried on our wedding day were not tears of joy ... but tears of regret. As she walked up the aisle she knew, she did not love me and this was a mistake. Why go through with it I asked? All the arrangements were made and she was afraid to make a scene.
She robbed me of even my memories of intimate moments together. Knowing she was consenting to a man she did not love and wanted to avoid makes me feel like a big stupid fool. What I thought were wonderful moments of ecstacy were just another part of this rediculous charade. When I thought I was bringing her joy I was just making her suffer.
Luckily she was and is a good mother. What's more our marriage produced the two best kids in the world! A fine son and a lovely daughter. My kids have been and remain the joy of my life. We spent so much time together, camping fishing, playing sports, going to the movies, and just hanging around.
My ex remains friendly and civil towards me. But whenever I have to be around her, for some event involving the kids (which is very often) I still feel like a big idiot.
I have never been cheated on ... but if it produces one-tenth of the pain I have known, then I would never wish it on anyone ... not even my ex.

Angler

 

[deda_j]

I say go for it, I can say this because I don't believe in happy ever after. I also believe that if you are missing something in your life that you need to go after it. It is a proven fact that you can't take anything in this world with you when you go, and after your dead unless you created something to withstand the test of time no one is gong to remember you anyways. So enjoy your life have fun feel good and continue to live..quit wondering.

 

[Noor]

Almost 20 yrs ago, I used to study corpeal mime in one of those cold attic studios, with a mirrored wall and a bar that all performing arts seem to have at the heart of them. This class was mainly in french, just as my years of ballet had been (french and russian) every class after warm up, we would do this back bend of sorts, where you lean straight back bending at ankles and knees until you are almost to the floor then pull yourself back up. While doing this we would sing Plasir d' Amour (The Pleasure Of Love) translated something like the pleasure of love lasts only a moment, the pain of love last a lifetime.

I have a good old friend who is never free when I am and I am never free when he is, we have done this sort of dance for years, and there have been times when I look into his eyes and know I am the only one stopping us from crossing the line, and the same for him, but when I see that look and I am tempted, I swear I hear that song, it takes me back to cold early mornings and it reminds me that I never want infidelty (betrayal) between us. If we are going to ever finish this dance we will finish it when we both are free.
That is how I feel about infidelty.

As for cyber, I have cyber partners that I am very fond of, who are married, whom I would loved to have in rl if they were single but as they are not, it will not happen. I hope for the their sakes, and their familie's that we never are in a position to meet.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I say go for it, I can say this because I don't believe in happy ever after. I also believe that if you are missing something in your life that you need to go after it. It is a proven fact that you can't take anything in this world with you when you go, and after your dead unless you created something to withstand the test of time no one is gong to remember you anyways. So enjoy your life have fun feel good and continue to live..quit wondering.

Maybe people should stop and think before acting out...this sounds like bad advice. The flip side of your 'go for it' attitude is that you only have one life, so don't fuck it up by chasing short-term pleasure. It is more important to have long-term fulfillment, and that takes work, and isn't always 'fun'.

 

[Jaybird3]

It occurs to me that while everyone is talking about sex and the hurt that this can cause a spouse. Noone has said a thing about the withholding of intimacy. I think that is what drives a lot of people to cheat.

The sexual issues, (i.e. lack of), they could work around with a shower. The lack of intimacy, the lack of support, the lack of any gestures to validate their self worth is what drives many to have affairs or flings.

The thing that most bothers me about some of the posts in this thread, is the automatic condemnation of someone who steps out on the marriage. I believe that many times the whole story is not in a post. Without knowing all the dynamics of someone's marriage, I just can't condemn someone for cheating.

 

[tendril]

It occurs to me that while everyone is talking about sex and the hurt that this can cause a spouse. Noone has said a thing about the withholding of intimacy. I think that is what drives a lot of people to cheat.

The sexual issues, (i.e. lack of), they could work around with a shower. The lack of intimacy, the lack of support, the lack of any gestures to validate their self worth is what drives many to have affairs or flings.

The thing that most bothers me about some of the posts in this thread, is the automatic condemnation of someone who steps out on the marriage. I believe that many times the whole story is not in a post. Without knowing all the dynamics of someone's marriage, I just can't condemn someone for cheating.

I agree.

Nothing in this life is black and white, there are a thousand shades of grey.

 

[Bobmi357]

It occurs to me that while everyone is talking about sex and the hurt that this can cause a spouse. Noone has said a thing about the withholding of intimacy. I think that is what drives a lot of people to cheat.

The sexual issues, (i.e. lack of), they could work around with a shower. The lack of intimacy, the lack of support, the lack of any gestures to validate their self worth is what drives many to have affairs or flings.

The thing that most bothers me about some of the posts in this thread, is the automatic condemnation of someone who steps out on the marriage. I believe that many times the whole story is not in a post. Without knowing all the dynamics of someone's marriage, I just can't condemn someone for cheating.

Perhaps, but if you're gonna cheat on your spouse, DON'T bother claiming you love them then. And if its a lack of initimacy thats driving them to cheat, they should divorce. I did, so many others here have and are far happier for it. Slinking around in a clandestine affair only adds additional stress to an already stressful situation.

 

[Jaybird3]

So did I Bobmi. I also never cheated on the spouse. But I wished that I had. Because then it would have opened my eyes sooner and perhaps given me the courage to get out much sooner.

I tried all the counciling, I tried the communicating, I tried everything that I could think of. Nothing helped. Until one day, I realized what I was missing and that started the thought processes rolling on getting out of the marriage.

Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have lost so many years being unhappy and miserable if I had cheated. The other thing is that I often wonder how many spouses cheat in hopes that they get found out so the other person will do what they don't have the courage to do and leave them.

 

[Bobmi357]

So did I Bobmi. I also never cheated on the spouse. But I wished that I had. Because then it would have opened my eyes sooner and perhaps given me the courage to get out much sooner.

I tried all the counciling, I tried the communicating, I tried everything that I could think of. Nothing helped. Until one day, I realized what I was missing and that started the thought processes rolling on getting out of the marriage.

Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have lost so many years being unhappy and miserable if I had cheated. The other thing is that I often wonder how many spouses cheat in hopes that they get found out so the other person will do what they don't have the courage to do and leave them.

I never cheated on my ex either. I'm of two minds about wishing if I had cheated. Naturally there are the brief regrets for opportunities passed over. But I'm glad I didn't. For one thing I doubt my current wife would have been all that interested in someone that had cheated on a previous spouse. For another I feel better about myself that I didn't resort to cheating.

We all have regrets Jaybird, we all think what would have happened if we just did XYZ differently. Hell I still wonder what would have happened if the babysitter that propositioned me was 18 instead of 17. I turned her down due to her age and the fact that she was the daughter of a friend. Had she been 18 would I have turned her down? I'd like to think I so, but I don't know, and she was sooooo fine, she really gave me a major ego boost when I needed it most.

I think regrets are a basic part of the human condition. No matter how happy or unhappy we are, we can't help but wonder what would have happened with our lives if we had taken a different path than the one we did take.

You do raise an interesting point however. How many people cheat in the hopes of being caught, of having their relationship end but for one reason or another are unable to end it themselves? I can't say, but I'd suspect the percentage might be rather substantial. It takes a lot of courage to end a marriage that has gone on for long time (mine lasted 12yrs). And even though I can affirmatively state that at the end of that 12yrs I DID not love my wife, it still hurt to end the relationship. It hurt because I had to leave my boys behind, it hurt because I thought I had failed, I was even afraid my parents would be dissapointed in me. (Much to my surprise when I told my parents, my father said "I'm surprised you waited this long").

Ending a relationship by hoping to get caught can be fraught with perils however. In a contested divorce suit the person cheating is at a major disadvantage. The courts, and society in general, are not kind to cheaters. Building a relationship post cheating/divorce can be harder as well since people will tend to distrust you. My wife often makes comments like "She knew he cheated on his first marriage, she shouldn't be surprised that he cheated on her". Its a common attitude, and really a bad reflection on my wife.

You know, having read all of these posts I'm really wondering if Intimacy, not sex, is the most important aspect people look for. A lot of us, myself included, have complained about a total lack of intimacy in previous relationships. Some, like myself, also had little to no sex in the relationship, but it seems that the lack of intimacy acts like a prime motivator for breaking up a relationship.

 

[Annora]

Justification!

I am one that has read this and found that justifying one's shabby way of acting in a marriage. Shouldn't be the catalyst to ruining marriages. Yes there is always two marriages, that gets the pain filled ending. Yours and the other persons marriages, will be shattered.

When vows were spoken, I am not sure what yours said but mine didn't have a clause. Nothing was stated until boredom occurs and every marriage gets boring..I will be faithful! Then I will go out ruin my vows, take another's vows and shatter them also. For my sheer fantasy, and enjoyment.

Intimacy lacking in your life, does not give you the right to go off and take it from some other person.

The one's that agreed to this are planning to make a mockery to their vows. They want a free pass to enjoy outside delights. Well, the person that doesn't have this on their agenda will never feel like 'My yes, I will sample this..I deserve it my marriage is lacking
let me go somewhere else, its my right!

That's a load of crap!

 

[Jaybird3]

Annora, there are not always two marriages involved. I am single and should I cause the breakup of a marriage, there would only be one marriage involved.

I just personally have a very hard time condemning someone for going outside their marriage when years past and there is no imtimacy and they have tried what they can to get it back.

I disagree with you Bobmi, that they can't love their spouses. Biological needs and drives are something that we all have. Controlling them to a certain extent is what separates us from the other primates. That and the ability to accessorize. But there are other options available to people these days.

I also think that in some cases there are reasons that they won't leave, the biggest one being guilt because a spouse is ill, either physically or mentally. I know just how hard either can be.

Like I said, I still wonder how many cheat with the hope of getting caught so the other person will get out of the marriage, because they lack the courage to do so.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: Justification!

I am one that has read this and found that justifying one's shabby way of acting in a marriage. Shouldn't be the catalyst to ruining marriages. Yes there is always two marriages, that gets the pain filled ending. Yours and the other persons marriages, will be shattered.

When vows were spoken, I am not sure what yours said but mine didn't have a clause. Nothing was stated until boredom occurs and every marriage gets boring..I will be faithful! Then I will go out ruin my vows, take another's vows and shatter them also. For my sheer fantasy, and enjoyment.

Intimacy lacking in your life, does not give you the right to go off and take it from some other person.

The one's that agreed to this are planning to make a mockery to their vows. They want a free pass to enjoy outside delights. Well, the person that doesn't have this on their agenda will never feel like 'My yes, I will sample this..I deserve it my marriage is lacking
let me go somewhere else, its my right!

That's a load of crap!

Good call...someone who agrees with me!! You don't break promises because you are horny...unless you are a 14 year old. Adults keep their word.

 

[Jaybird3]

I guess it all boils down to one thing. One never knows how one will react until put into a situation. Then one makes the decision that best suites one.

All I am saying is don't just condemn someone else because they do something differently than you think that you would. Not at least until you been in the situation that they are in.

As I said to someone the other day, "There but by the grace of my Creator go I."

 

[honestone]

The question is "to cheat or not to cheat". In any relationship there are agreements. Some are spoken others are implied. Any agreement can be changed or abandoned if both parties agree. So the notion of cheating is only aplicaable if there is no agreement for it.

In my opinion if a relationship is so inflexable that it doesn't allow for growth and change of either (and consequently both) people then the relationship has little value.

Keeping your word is a very important attribute and one to count among your highest state of integrety. But to keep your word just for the sake of "I said so" lacks the ground of being that makes it strong in the first place.

Be honest and open (and kind). It will serve you always.

 

[warrior queen]

Perhaps, but if you're gonna cheat on your spouse, DON'T bother claiming you love them then. And if its a lack of initimacy thats driving them to cheat, they should divorce. I did, so many others here have and are far happier for it. Slinking around in a clandestine affair only adds additional stress to an already stressful situation.

just because YOU can't percieve of yourself loving more than one person, don't presume that other people can't!
it IS possible to love two people at the same time - it just hasn't happened to YOU.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

just because YOU can't percieve of yourself loving more than one person, don't presume that other people can't!
it IS possible to love two people at the same time - it just hasn't happened to YOU.

How much can you love someone if you lie to them every day?