adulterous affairs and flings

[Johnny Mayberry]

Oh no, cheaters don't lie to protect themselves, they lie to protect their loved ones. Cheaters are nearly saints in their efforts to avoid their loved ones being hurt by the truth. Goah, it must be such a huge sacrifice to go cheat on their spouse and have to lie, day in and day out, but that is the courage that these cheating saints have.

 

[Jaybird3]

I guess, that we are going to have to just agree to disagree is all Johnny.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I guess, that we are going to have to just agree to disagree is all Johnny.

I'm not aiming the rants at you, bub..you seem almost sane.

 

[Jaybird3]

Johnny, I am honestly surprised at you. Didn't you know that the craziest people are the ones that seem the sanest?

Thank you, for the compliment, but how about babe instead of bub?

 

[pecan9676]

Re: If having an affair....

Is so wonderful then why don't you fill a church, building and share this love with your family and friends? You did the day you took your marriage vows. You can't can you? No, you have to sneak around, lie, have secret meetings. Phone one another when the coast is clear. Perhaps when he/she is taking your children to their many outside activities.

If you really don't think having the affair won't hurt your life, the holidays are coming up invite your new love? You know the one that understands you so much better. The one that makes you feel young again. The he/she that makes you all tingling every time you meet.

There is a reason for the intrigue, the lies, the timed meetings. The phone calls. Because in your heart of hearts, you know its wrong. Its never going to be right, not when you are married.
Knowing other people that have done it, still makes no sense.

If you feel you aren't doing anything wrong, tell the world! Tell them I found this man/woman we are soul mates. Luckily our marriages weren't fulfilling enough, so we found each other at the right moment. We are in love..

How do you look in their eyes after spending time with your perfect love? You must keep lying about it, don't you?

I have two friend's who have said to the world that they love one another and would love to be together. It started as an affair, they got caught, decided to both get divorces and be together. Only one problem, his wife, she has continued for 5 years to contest every detail of their divorce. So do you condem them for what they do. She has a boyfriend of her own, but she has said her main objective is to make him miserable. Why because after their second child was born she decided that she no longer need to share a bed with him or satisfy his needs. She opened the door for an affair to happen. He went to her told her that it was an intolorable situation, her reply was get over it, she got what she wanted, a husband, and he got what he wanted, children. Tell me what was he to do? He stayed, he begged, he pleaded, we as friends went to her asking what was wrong thinking he misunderstood what she said. He didn't. Her words to me were "I don't care how unhappy he is, as long as he stays married to me." So, I ask again what is he to do now? Does he continue to live in a armed camp for the rest of his life, or does he take what happiness he can find?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Johnny, I am honestly surprised at you. Didn't you know that the craziest people are the ones that seem the sanest?

Thank you, for the compliment, but how about babe instead of bub?

ok, BABE.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: TY Jaybird!

Motivation to stay -- a beautiful daughter who I will not see grow up in a single-parent household. Period!

If my wife and I were battling, different story. No kid (or spouse!) should be exposed to or endure that. But that's not the case.

This is the weakest and lamest of excuses, used mostly by men fearing what the divorce courts will do to them. Unless the child is stupid, deaf, blind and dumb, what kind of message are you sending when she/he sees mommy and daddy barely talk to another. What kind of message are you sending when they notice that while mommy and daddy claim to love each other, they rarely smile, rarely say a kind word to one another, rarely hug. Kids aren't stupid you know, they can pick up on little clues that your own spouse can miss. Children raised in a marriage that is held together for the sake of the kids and the kids alone will grow up thinking that "my parents hate each other and I'm the reason!" Staying together for the sake of the children when you're unhappy is a lousy excuse, and damaging to your kids.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: TY Jaybird!

argh!! Double post. Sorry

 

[Jaybird3]

Well, hell done froze over...because for once I am in agreement with both Johnny Mayberry and Bobmi357.

I totally agree with you Bobmi on this one.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I am almost always right, you know...

 

[Bobmi357]

Look folks, its really quite simple. I can fully understand the needs that drive one to cheat, I've lived through them, and managed to control them long enough for me to get out of the relationship before cheating became a fact.

All I'm saying, is if your word and personal integrity mean anything to you, then when you come up against your first major temptation, regardless of the reasons, you should either (a) attempt to fix the problem at home, even if necessary by threatening your spouse with a divorce if he/she won't get involved in fixing the problem, or (b) get your divorce and be done with it. Now you CAN choose option (c) and go ahead and cheat on your spouse. But then don't expect people to treat you like your trustworthy when your affair is discovered. And believe me, the longer the affair continues, the greater your chances are of being discovered.

I've heard all the excuses about not getting a divorce, hell I lived through them myself. What the courts can do to a person when the spouse is spiteful, what damage can be done to the kids, the emotional trauma and pain. Been through it, got the t-shirt to prove it. The simple fact is, if you're unhappy in your relationship you will spread that unhappiness like the common cold. Your spouse, your kids, your work, all suffers. Cheating on your spouse merely adds an additional layer of dishonesty onto a failing relationship, usually (but not always) killing the relationship, confusing and hurting the children, and causing your work to suffer even more. PLUS it has the added extra bonus of involving one or more people not directly related to your immediate family. OH JOY!

It should be pretty cut and dry. If you feel the need to cheat on your spouse, either fix the problem, or end the relationship.

 

[Bobmi357]

Well, hell done froze over...because for once I am in agreement with both Johnny Mayberry and Bobmi357.

I totally agree with you Bobmi on this one.

Jaybird, if you think upon it, you'll really see our positions are really not that far apart.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Look folks, its really quite simple. I can fully understand the needs that drive one to cheat, I've lived through them, and managed to control them long enough for me to get out of the relationship before cheating became a fact.

All I'm saying, is if your word and personal integrity mean anything to you, then when you come up against your first major temptation, regardless of the reasons, you should either (a) attempt to fix the problem at home, even if necessary by threatening your spouse with a divorce if he/she won't get involved in fixing the problem, or (b) get your divorce and be done with it. Now you CAN choose option (c) and go ahead and cheat on your spouse. But then don't expect people to treat you like your trustworthy when your affair is discovered. And believe me, the longer the affair continues, the greater your chances are of being discovered.

I've heard all the excuses about not getting a divorce, hell I lived through them myself. What the courts can do to a person when the spouse is spiteful, what damage can be done to the kids, the emotional trauma and pain. Been through it, got the t-shirt to prove it. The simple fact is, if you're unhappy in your relationship you will spread that unhappiness like the common cold. Your spouse, your kids, your work, all suffers. Cheating on your spouse merely adds an additional layer of dishonesty onto a failing relationship, usually (but not always) killing the relationship, confusing and hurting the children, and causing your work to suffer even more. PLUS it has the added extra bonus of involving one or more people not directly related to your immediate family. OH JOY!

It should be pretty cut and dry. If you feel the need to cheat on your spouse, either fix the problem, or end the relationship.

Good post! We all know that failing marriages are a complicated situation, but we also know that doing the right thing is worth the difficulties involved.

 

[Krinaia]

I have seen the damage an adulterous affair can do to the children. It isn't pretty. Believe me when I say it fucks with their notions of love and their hope for their own futures. I say if you come to that road, it's a road better not traveled down. First confront what is wrong with the marriage - you owe it not only to yourself but to your spouse. If it can't be resolved, then seperate, divorce.

 

[Jaybird3]

My problem Bobmi is that I just can't outright condemn someone because they cheated. Like I said, there but by the grace of my Creator goes I.

I was still married, but separated when I had my first fling, after I decided that the marriage was over. I know what got me there. I have been there, my first affair before the divorce was looked down upon by people. But then I didn't try to hide it.

I just wanted to have a life again, one that was somewhere near normal.

Again, when I don't know the circumstances, I tend to give that person the benefit of the the doubt that I didn't get.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

My problem Bobmi is that I just can't outright condemn someone because they cheated.

Good, because that's MY job!!

 

[Jaybird3]

Now just how did I know you were going to say that Johnny?

 

[Bobmi357]

My problem Bobmi is that I just can't outright condemn someone because they cheated. Like I said, there but by the grace of my Creator goes I.

I was still married, but separated when I had my first fling, after I decided that the marriage was over. I know what got me there. I have been there, my first affair before the divorce was looked down upon by people. But then I didn't try to hide it.

I won't necessarily condemn someone for falling off the fidelity bandwagon, what I will condemn is someone maintaining an illicit affair and all the inherent dishonesty that goes with it. Falling off the bandwagon once, or even a couple times are in my opinion, mistakes. We're all subject to temptation and we're all human.

The decision to continue an affair means you've already given up on your relationship, but lack the moral courage to end it.

You're not that much different from I Jaybird, I too, was seperated and in the process of getting my divorce when I met my current wife face to face for the first time. I had promised her that I would leave my wife and get the ball rolling BEFORE we ever met (we originally met online). And I kept that promise. Technically I was still married, but it was a dead marriage by that point. Flatlined and grinding its way through the legal system. Was it cheating? I don't think so, the marriage had been dead for years, all we were doing was going through the paces to make it official. I don't think you were cheating either.

In my book cheating is a betrayal of trust, and you have to have a relationship of some sort to have some trust. In the end, all I was, was a bank account to a stranger that I had 2 kids with.

 

[woody54]

what I will condemn is someone maintaining an illicit affair and all the inherent dishonesty that goes with it.................
The decision to continue an affair means you've already given up on your relationship, but lack the moral courage to end it.
......In my book cheating is a betrayal of trust, and you have to have a relationship of some sort to have some trust. In the end, all I was, was a bank account to a stranger that I had 2 kids with.

I have been reading this thread with close interest as it reflects much in my own relationship.

My wife of 31 years is now a Lit addict, she would be hardwired in if that were feasible.

We have had what you would class as a "good" marriage, always close, common interests, never straying, 2 nice kids, blah, blah....and sure, there have been times when things have got a bit stale but the embers never took much to fire up again. Isnt that the nature of long term relationships?

She discovered Yahoo chat last year and it changed her life. Maybe she needed this.
I was crushed when I found the extent of her cyber interests, it was not one casual affair, it was a lifestyle.
To me, this was betrayal. There was no open discussion, it was furtive and secret and she used anger and guilt to justify it.

She made a conscious decision to change her life and share herself with other men. Is this not an act of deliberate, emotional separation from me? She claims not. She wants her cake and eat it too. She now is a polyamorous person. I'm not.

Over the intervening time, she flits round Lit like a sexy butterfly. She has had numerous cyber 'friends' and 3 serious involvements that I am aware of. These are totally consuming of her time and energies, leaving the husk of her to live with.

She now plans to step it up a level and meet her current "friend".

We talk about all this, always with difficulty as she clings to her dreams and I live with the pain of the reality for me.

This reality tells me that the life is draining out of our marriage like a leaking bucket.
A day will come when I wonder WTF, why am I here? I am tolerant and a slow learner but there seems an air of inevitablity here now.
Then a lot more people get hurt too.

So when you read this, my Dear,remember, it is your actions that determine the consequences and how you will be judged.
Just be really sure you want what you wish for. Fantasies are often better left as just that.
This is your journey, I am but an observer.

 

[Jaybird3]

woody, you have my heartfelt sympathies, but get the hell out now. Don't wait any longer. I knew that I was overdue to get out when I started to question myself.

Bobmi, I was years getting my divorce. We had no children and no property. I won't go into the money that it costed me.

Did I cheat? Hell yes. Am I glad that I did it? Hell yes. Would I do it again? Hell yes.

 

[deliciea]

OK First off it took me from 9:30 this morning to read this because I kept getting interrupted.

Now after reading it all I wish to state my opinion and give a brief story if I may
Cheating will lead to hurt and pain and there is no in between it hurts like hell if you are the one being cheated upon and it hurts to be the one that cheats because both have their reasons but there is no win!!! how can you win when you have to lie and hide and can never take this person to a place you would go because someone might see yeah its fun for a while but then the hiding gets old cause you want to go out or you get attached and you cant spend all the time you want to with the other one ... So there is my opion


Now for my story

the first true love of my life took me to heights I never dreamed possible we learned every thing together and became the perverts that we now are in every day life
but I messed up my life and his too I cheated on him and the bad thing is after a while I didn't hide it any more and did it right under his nose after a relationship that lead to me falling back on him every time things got rough we went our separate ways now for the really bad part it is now 12 years later and in this 12 years we haven't spoke a civil word up until 2 months ago now that we are talking again him with his wife and kids and me all alone with my kids I have come to realize just how much I have hurt him and destroyed his life ( HIS WIFE IS A BITCH ) LOL
it have set many night talking to him and crying telling him how sorry I really am and how much I wish I could go back and change all the things I did but I cant and

Neither can you once you take that first step its all down hill be careful and make sure you know what you want and are willing to face the music when the time comes

 

[Bobmi357]

She made a conscious decision to change her life and share herself with other men. Is this not an act of deliberate, emotional separation from me? She claims not. She wants her cake and eat it too. She now is a polyamorous person. I'm not.

Over the intervening time, she flits round Lit like a sexy butterfly. She has had numerous cyber 'friends' and 3 serious involvements that I am aware of. These are totally consuming of her time and energies, leaving the husk of her to live with.

She now plans to step it up a level and meet her current "friend".

We talk about all this, always with difficulty as she clings to her dreams and I live with the pain of the reality for me.

Woody, you have my sincere sympathies. Its always painful to see something you've spent so long in building, torn down. If what you say is true, then you've got cause to be upset.

My suggestion to you would be that after she "meets" her friend, you invite her to meet your attorney. I'd also suggest hiring a PI so you can obtain a video to give the judge. Nothing clinches it better than memorex.

Oh yeah, while she's gone on her trip. Its probably a good time to pack her things for her, and password protect your computer.

 

[Jaybird3]

If she is truly polyamorous and you are not, this will never work. Even an open marriage won't work if both partners are not comfortable with the situation. There has to be an immense trust and there have to be groundrules.

Without them, it isn't going to work so why prolong it?

 

[autymn]

Throws my two sense in here ....

Nobody has the right to judge anyone, no one has walked or can possibly dream of walking in another persons shoes.

In reality it's a proven fact most people have that "fling" because of misunderstood intamacy in a relationship. What I mean by misunderstood is and this is an example only "The guy says hello how are you grabs a soda flops on the couch and considered that time spent with the girl, The girl on the other hand is wanting to express her days frustrations with him and wanting him to understand and she's feeling completely ignored or misunderstood"

As time goes on it becomes redundant to either one or both and thats when they start seeking something new to feel alive and not just exsisting. It doesn't mean they intentionally set out to hurt or destroy another person or that they don't love them anymore. The devastation and destruction comes from people who don't want to entertain the idea that something was wrong to begin with or they don't want to let go of what they consider is the ideal relationship in their minds. They aren't in control any longer. Or when one feels it's workable and the other doesn't. It's called growing apart.

Is having an affair wrong? Depends on what you consider wrong, there are some people in this world who go ape shit over killing a bug, and then of course you have those that have no respect for life at all. You can't lump human personality or characteristics into a general black and white right or wrong pattern, people are the only creatures on the face of the earth that are consistantly unpredicatable.

I can say from experience that if you are considering having one make certain you are emotionally capable of dealing with the cascading impact it's going to cause on you and your chosen partner. I also believe that communication is extremely important alot of times your SO may not have an inkling as to whats going on emotionally with you, sometimes talking about it and being honest helps, unfortunately the majority of people don't act rationally when presented with this sort of problem and are quick to take offence causing hurt anyways.

Is it fair to condemn the person stepping out ? I don't think so because you don't have the history of the relationship, ask a person that is impudent if they think their SO is wrong for looking for the physical pleasure they can't provide. There are in fact alot of relationships where flings occur and it fixes the problem or insecurity one person was feeling and life goes on.

In a perfect world people wouldn't have any need for intimate compassion, self esteem, or just plain feeling alive because it would all be there.

Damn shame we don't live in a perfect world isn't Johnny?

 

[peachykeen]

you don't have the history of the relationship, ask a person that is impudent if they think their SO is wrong

sorry I got to this part and then I had to stop taking you seriously