Anyone else?

[bill4672a]

I find it ironic that I posted this a year ago, and nothing has changed; at all, except me. Up until the end of the summer (school summer, not meterological summer), I was still trying. Flirting, whining about not getting sex, and something in me snapped. I don't know what it was, what triggered it. I think it was someone talking about something unrelated at work, they said something along the lines of -life is short, you only live once, and living miserably for the sake of others' happiness is the slowest death- Some shit like that. As well as my mother asking me what is more important, being comfortable or happy. My marriage is like many described; he is a good guy. Nice, he works, once in a while he will help around the house especially when he sees I am about to snap (I work full time and have WAY too many duties with my job, also a doctoral student, and a mom to a teen in sports) and sometime when the floors are dirty, or the house is dirty and he is just sitting around doing nothing but watching TikTok and I am trying to do five things at once, I might agressively wash the dishes to show my discontent, but I am NOT that woman that will nag at a man to do anything. I digress...
I have tried to change myself. To not NEED sex, affection, things in common beyond a tv show or two. And it isn't working, my need for those things just keeps intensifying. Like I feel if I dont get good sex and someone to hold me soon I may literally combust from frustration. I have told him; the first time about five months after we got married. I told him that lack of sex and affection make me feel like I am not loved, desired, like I am not good enough. He tried for a week or two, and it went back to the same roomate vibe. Rinse and repeat this every few months since November/December 2019 until now. I feel nothing. I have started divorce papers; I plan on talking to him in the coming weeks and telling him all this, I've been emotionally removed from it all for a couple or more months now, and I have analyzed it all to death and just feel separating is the only choice left. But here is my issue... what if I do that. Ask him to leave, divorce him, and I am happy; but I never find exactly what I need and I am just alone. I am lonely now and have just a roomate essentially, but its so scary making huge changes.

It is scary. I was in a similar situation when I separated from my first wife. I spent the next seven years largely on my own. Eventually, I remarried. The irony is that my new marriage became a repeat of the old. We've not been sexually intimate in over 12 years. I'm retired now, and the thought of trying again just doesn't seem worth it. Plus, due to various health issues, I am almost completely impotent, so there isn't much point. Apart from the lack of physical intimacy, my marriage is good, and I am just working to accept things as they are. I'm not suggesting at all that you should do the same, only that I understand and appreciate your fears. I hope that your situation turns out better than mine.

 

[Kioti3510]

I find it ironic that I posted this a year ago, and nothing has changed; at all, except me. Up until the end of the summer (school summer, not meterological summer), I was still trying. Flirting, whining about not getting sex, and something in me snapped. I don't know what it was, what triggered it. I think it was someone talking about something unrelated at work, they said something along the lines of -life is short, you only live once, and living miserably for the sake of others' happiness is the slowest death- Some shit like that. As well as my mother asking me what is more important, being comfortable or happy. My marriage is like many described; he is a good guy. Nice, he works, once in a while he will help around the house especially when he sees I am about to snap (I work full time and have WAY too many duties with my job, also a doctoral student, and a mom to a teen in sports) and sometime when the floors are dirty, or the house is dirty and he is just sitting around doing nothing but watching TikTok and I am trying to do five things at once, I might agressively wash the dishes to show my discontent, but I am NOT that woman that will nag at a man to do anything. I digress...
I have tried to change myself. To not NEED sex, affection, things in common beyond a tv show or two. And it isn't working, my need for those things just keeps intensifying. Like I feel if I dont get good sex and someone to hold me soon I may literally combust from frustration. I have told him; the first time about five months after we got married. I told him that lack of sex and affection make me feel like I am not loved, desired, like I am not good enough. He tried for a week or two, and it went back to the same roomate vibe. Rinse and repeat this every few months since November/December 2019 until now. I feel nothing. I have started divorce papers; I plan on talking to him in the coming weeks and telling him all this, I've been emotionally removed from it all for a couple or more months now, and I have analyzed it all to death and just feel separating is the only choice left. But here is my issue... what if I do that. Ask him to leave, divorce him, and I am happy; but I never find exactly what I need and I am just alone. I am lonely now and have just a roomate essentially, but its so scary making huge changes.

I divorced my wife of 26 years for much the same reasons. For most of our marriage and especially after we had kids she had almost no sex drive, there was no affection, no interest in me or my life. I tried over and over to talk to her about it but she was so fixated on the sex thing that she never heard anything else. She never worked full time after the kids were born even though we discussed and agreed she would go back to work full time when they were in school. At the same time I was working 56 hours a week as a firefighter/EMT, part-time as a tech college instructor, part-time doing construction with a friend, and picking up odds and end jobs here and there. I worked over 100 hours a week for months but it made no difference to her. I would come home and before I was even in the door she had a list of things for me to do. Meanwhile the garden went to shit, the house was filthy, and she basically stopped cooking meals. Look, I'm no chauvanist but if you are a stay at home mom you can at least take care of the house. We tried counseling multiple times and I knew it made no difference and it was time to figure out an exit strategy when she told the counselor she was not going to do anything she didn't want to do anymore. I asked when I could do that becuase I don't want to work 100 hours a week anymore. Nothing... I just couldn't do it anymore.

Your worry about being alone can't be discounted. But let's be 100% honest, if you were lying on your death bed today would you look back fondly on your life, would you say at least I didn't die alone, or would you be filled with regret for not moving on and trying to find happiness?

I found the perfect woman after my divorce. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years. Of course we have ups and downs because that is life. People that pretend to be happy all the time scare the hell out of me because eventually reality will kick them right in the head and they will self destruct.

Good luck.

 

[curvyjae]

I divorced my wife of 26 years for much the same reasons. For most of our marriage and especially after we had kids she had almost no sex drive, there was no affection, no interest in me or my life. I tried over and over to talk to her about it but she was so fixated on the sex thing that she never heard anything else. She never worked full time after the kids were born even though we discussed and agreed she would go back to work full time when they were in school. At the same time I was working 56 hours a week as a firefighter/EMT, part-time as a tech college instructor, part-time doing construction with a friend, and picking up odds and end jobs here and there. I worked over 100 hours a week for months but it made no difference to her. I would come home and before I was even in the door she had a list of things for me to do. Meanwhile the garden went to shit, the house was filthy, and she basically stopped cooking meals. Look, I'm no chauvanist but if you are a stay at home mom you can at least take care of the house. We tried counseling multiple times and I knew it made no difference and it was time to figure out an exit strategy when she told the counselor she was not going to do anything she didn't want to do anymore. I asked when I could do that becuase I don't want to work 100 hours a week anymore. Nothing... I just couldn't do it anymore.

Your worry about being alone can't be discounted. But let's be 100% honest, if you were lying on your death bed today would you look back fondly on your life, would you say at least I didn't die alone, or would you be filled with regret for not moving on and trying to find happiness?

I found the perfect woman after my divorce. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years. Of course we have ups and downs because that is life. People that pretend to be happy all the time scare the hell out of me because eventually reality will kick them right in the head and they will self destruct.

Good luck.

This is the feedback I was hoping for. That is where my issues are... when I think about the future, in terms of living through it, most days I don't think I can wait even a day longer to tell him I don't want to be married anymore. (I have my reasons for not just ripping the bandaid off) I was in a toxic abusive marriage for 10 years and told myself I would never let myself feel this dread and lonliness again, but I am here again, because I chose comfort and convenience over waiting to be fully satisfied (I don't want to say happy, because I don't need a person to make me happy, but I also can't be happy when I don't get the affection I need, which is super contradictory, but I think it makes sense).

 

[Kioti3510]

This is the feedback I was hoping for. That is where my issues are... when I think about the future, in terms of living through it, most days I don't think I can wait even a day longer to tell him I don't want to be married anymore. (I have my reasons for not just ripping the bandaid off) I was in a toxic abusive marriage for 10 years and told myself I would never let myself feel this dread and lonliness again, but I am here again, because I chose comfort and convenience over waiting to be fully satisfied (I don't want to say happy, because I don't need a person to make me happy, but I also can't be happy when I don't get the affection I need, which is super contradictory, but I think it makes sense).

Of course I needed sex but honestly what I wanted more was engagement. Someone that was affectionate. Someone that cared about me, and how my day went, my hopes, my dreams. Someone that could talk to me and not at me.

Too often we become comfortable in uncomfortable situations because its easier to maintain continuity than it is to break free and venture out on our own. For me that period was almost 2 years. Was it scary? Absolutely. I worried about where to live, how to pay the bills, if my kids would hate me. In the end I adapted, survived and got much better for the effort.

What you do is entirely up to you. Good luck.

 

[curvyjae]

Of course I needed sex but honestly what I wanted more was engagement. Someone that was affectionate. Someone that cared about me, and how my day went, my hopes, my dreams. Someone that could talk to me and not at me.

Too often we become comfortable in uncomfortable situations because its easier to maintain continuity than it is to break free and venture out on our own. For me that period was almost 2 years. Was it scary? Absolutely. I worried about where to live, how to pay the bills, if my kids would hate me. In the end I adapted, survived and got much better for the effort.

What you do is entirely up to you. Good luck.

Thank you for that perspective.

Intimacy... thats what I want and need and it comes in so many forms beyond sex. Do I want sex, fuck yes I do. but I want held on bad days, or just because. I want to be wanted. I want to be the center of someone's universe. And my husband is nice. We talk, we go to dinner, but we dont engage. It is literally no different than if my best friend lived with me, hell shed probably kiss me the same as he does. lol.

The blessing is, he has a house, as well as a parent that is going to need a lot of support in the coming months; we have no kids together. No joint debts. Not even joint banking. So a lot of the hard hard stuff to figure out, is a lot simplier than it is for most.

 

[Katch123]

I've read this whole thread and I can't (actually I can) believe how stupid these husbands are.

 

[Kioti3510]

I've read this whole thread and I can't (actually I can) believe how stupid these husbands are.

No stupider than wives like my ex.

 

[CuriousJoyeur]

Thank you for that perspective.

Intimacy... thats what I want and need and it comes in so many forms beyond sex. Do I want sex, fuck yes I do. but I want held on bad days, or just because. I want to be wanted. I want to be the center of someone's universe. And my husband is nice. We talk, we go to dinner, but we dont engage. It is literally no different than if my best friend lived with me, hell shed probably kiss me the same as he does. lol.

The blessing is, he has a house, as well as a parent that is going to need a lot of support in the coming months; we have no kids together. No joint debts. Not even joint banking. So a lot of the hard hard stuff to figure out, is a lot simplier than it is for most.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel and the actions you’re taking. Happiness and fulfillment are important parts of life and should be pursued. You have put in the effort to improve your marriage and it has not been reciprocated. It’s scary to separate/divorce but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. In my previous marriage I wasn’t the perfect husband but I tried hard. Eventually, I reached my breaking point and asked for a divorce. I was scared, lonely, and had no idea who I was as a single man. Day by day things got better and I was able to get to know myself again and find the happiness I wanted. I have no regrets at all.

 

[RDM97756]

Thank you for that perspective.

Intimacy... thats what I want and need and it comes in so many forms beyond sex. Do I want sex, fuck yes I do. but I want held on bad days, or just because. I want to be wanted. I want to be the center of someone's universe. And my husband is nice. We talk, we go to dinner, but we dont engage. It is literally no different than if my best friend lived with me, hell shed probably kiss me the same as he does. lol.

The blessing is, he has a house, as well as a parent that is going to need a lot of support in the coming months; we have no kids together. No joint debts. Not even joint banking. So a lot of the hard hard stuff to figure out, is a lot simplier than it is for most.

I am sorry to hear this. I am trying very hard to not go down this road, if I got divorce it would be messy. I have seen you around and you seem like a very sweet lady. I wish you the nest. Sometimes we need to look out for ourselves.

 

[spectre128]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

You are so not alone, and sadly there are way too many people in similar situations to yours.

Sending hugs and here for support if you want someone to chat to who understands

 

[curvyjae]

There is nothing wrong with how you feel and the actions you’re taking. Happiness and fulfillment are important parts of life and should be pursued. You have put in the effort to improve your marriage and it has not been reciprocated. It’s scary to separate/divorce but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. In my previous marriage I wasn’t the perfect husband but I tried hard. Eventually, I reached my breaking point and asked for a divorce. I was scared, lonely, and had no idea who I was as a single man. Day by day things got better and I was able to get to know myself again and find the happiness I wanted. I have no regrets at all.

Thank you friend you know I’ve tried.

 

[Winchester3030]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

You are definitely not the only one! I am looking forward to seeing the replies because I need some guidance also

 

[CuriousJoyeur]

Thank you friend you know I’ve tried.

I know you have.

 

[VolitionGiver]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

Kinda. Past memories are what keep me to stay but the memories i want to create make me want to leave.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

This is what side pieces are for.

 

[often_up_late]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

I was there a couple years ago. The blame was equal and my wife and I were both at fault. It took a lot of work and some couples therapy to get out of the rut, but it's possible. That said, it takes a lot of hard work to stay out of the rut; it's easy to slide back into that lack of passion and attention. And yes, sometimes it has required, for both of us, finding someone on the side to fulfill certain needs.

 

[curvyjae]

blame is equal any time I think however, I don’t want to need someone else if I’m married. It defeats the purpose of marriage in my view. I’m an emotionally and sexually charged person so Just doesn’t work for me that way.

 

[often_up_late]

That makes sense. It's really tough, and I'm not sure if there's an answer. I do always wonder the opposite of this post. Are there marriages that rarely or never have these issues?

 

[anonyplay]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

I'm right there. From the outside everything looks great but on the inside it's like you die every time you are shut down. You start second guessing whether it's even real or in your head. You cant leave because absolutly no one would understand and it would cause children, family and friends to blame you and hate you for it. You dont cheat for the same reason so you just sit with the pain while your heart slowly dies.

 

[curvyjae]

I'm right there. From the outside everything looks great but on the inside it's like you die every time you are shut down. You start second guessing whether it's even real or in your head. You cant leave because absolutly no one would understand and it would cause children, family and friends to blame you and hate you for it. You dont cheat for the same reason so you just sit with the pain while your heart slowly dies.

Fucking dead on. Today has just been especially bad because he’s being nice, thanking me for dinner. And that’s great. I want my spouse to do that. But I want to feel loved. I want to be cooking knowing I’m going to be cuddled or cared for in some way later. Or even cooking with a load of cum leaking out of me. I want to be kissed for real, not just a peck on the lips. I sat and cried today because I want held and comforted and he doesn’t provide that comfort. It feels cheapened because I have to ask for affection and I don’t expect him to read my mind but I do expect when I’ve had a bad day that his natural loving reaction would be to try to make it better instead of “that sounds like a shit day”.

 

[Azuldrgon]

That stinks. I'm sorry you're going through that.

 

[Wishingbox]

Fucking dead on. Today has just been especially bad because he’s being nice, thanking me for dinner. And that’s great. I want my spouse to do that. But I want to feel loved. I want to be cooking knowing I’m going to be cuddled or cared for in some way later. Or even cooking with a load of cum leaking out of me. I want to be kissed for real, not just a peck on the lips. I sat and cried today because I want held and comforted and he doesn’t provide that comfort. It feels cheapened because I have to ask for affection and I don’t expect him to read my mind but I do expect when I’ve had a bad day that his natural loving reaction would be to try to make it better instead of “that sounds like a shit day”.

Ugh I had some similar thoughts this evening. After helping out and giving my wife a break for the evening, putting the kids to bed, I finished showering etc and was thinking it would be nice to just not be last on the long list of priorities.

I feel like being wanted sometimes is more of a obligation and a burden. I wonder what it would be like to just want to be jumped and desired. Do I really have to get everything right, get her warmed up?

It makes me feel undesired because I’m clearly not desirable enough to be wanted or enjoyed. It’s not like I don’t prioritize her pleasure or make her cum 95% of the time and make sure she’s feeling good. I deliver and I’m in good shape and clearly attractive to others. It’s that she’s borderline asexual and that’s a her thing but because we’re married it’s an is thing.

 

[curvyjae]

Ugh I had some similar thoughts this evening. After helping out and giving my wife a break for the evening, putting the kids to bed, I finished showering etc and was thinking it would be nice to just not be last on the long list of priorities.

I feel like being wanted sometimes is more of a obligation and a burden. I wonder what it would be like to just want to be jumped and desired. Do I really have to get everything right, get her warmed up?

It makes me feel undesired because I’m clearly not desirable enough to be wanted or enjoyed. It’s not like I don’t prioritize her pleasure or make her cum 95% of the time and make sure she’s feeling good. I deliver and I’m in good shape and clearly attractive to others. It’s that she’s borderline asexual and that’s a her thing but because we’re married it’s an is thing.

I’m sorry to hear that. Very much echoes of how I feel. Unwanted, unloved, and not good enough. Affection given out of obligation is as bad as none at all. I get it for sure. Hugs.

 

[bradsetevens670]

How refreshing to read a very similar story to mine and without a cavalcade of battering from other users, I have a similar relationship and after over two years of trying every bit of advice going, having the serious chats ect without any change I decided to join fab swingers to fulfil that missing element of my life occasionally.

 

[anonyplay]

Fucking dead on. Today has just been especially bad because he’s being nice, thanking me for dinner. And that’s great. I want my spouse to do that. But I want to feel loved. I want to be cooking knowing I’m going to be cuddled or cared for in some way later. Or even cooking with a load of cum leaking out of me. I want to be kissed for real, not just a peck on the lips. I sat and cried today because I want held and comforted and he doesn’t provide that comfort. It feels cheapened because I have to ask for affection and I don’t expect him to read my mind but I do expect when I’ve had a bad day that his natural loving reaction would be to try to make it better instead of “that sounds like a shit day”.

Sounds all too familiar. It would be nice to get an I love you or a kiss without pulling it from her lips. An appreciation for spontaneous romance instead of indifference. An effort to show that I still have her heart. Sometimes it would be nice to just hold her until the storm inside passes or tell me that she still wants me.