Ask Doctor Liz ... Again

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr. Liz,

I am a new patient. Thank you working me into your busy calendar and seeing me.

I'm a straight man who prefers to wear men's thongs. The are comfortable and do a great job supporting The Boys. Do you think that is OK and socially acceptable?

Slightly Embarrassed

Dear Banana Hammock,

After women take over the world and restore peace and order and sanity to our precious little blue marble, men will be kept as pets and be required to wear banana hammocks so that we can always see what's going on down there with one easy glance.

So although it's not generally socially acceptable at the moment outside of certain resorts in Europe and the Caribbean, in the very near future yes, it will be perfectly okay and not only socially acceptable but also required.


- Doctor "Put Us In Charge" Liz

 

[Sinstories]

Dear Banana Hammock,

After women take over the world and restore peace and order and sanity to our precious little blue marble, men will be kept as pets and be required to wear banana hammocks so that we can always see what's going on down there with one easy glance.

So although it's not generally socially acceptable at the moment outside of certain resorts in Europe and the Caribbean, in the very near future yes, it will be perfectly okay and not only socially acceptable but also required.


- Doctor "Put Us In Charge" Liz

Makes a note to myself to speed up development of the Eye Bleach I have been working on. It will become the hottest selling substance in the world once men like me are wandering around in banana hammocks...cause eww....just ewwww.

 

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr. Liz -

Let me see if I understand this correctly . . . first you go on an unannounced leave of absence AGAIN (regardless of the needs of the "other" job), neglecting your long time patients and their "needs". Then you return and offer a "Mea culpa" excuse for the absence.

And now you insult and then threaten to drop these long time patients because they haven't suddenly swamped your site with problems that you neglected, and further state that you are going to "give all my awesome naughty advice to someone else now!"

I have valued your advice and frequently found release from my ailment conditions thru your own, as well as your clinic staff, hands-on approach. HOWEVER, in this instance you are "biting the hand that feeds you"!

I can see only one resolution to this problem:

Signed,

Your "this time it's going to be more than a love tap" Demerit Room Contractor

Dear You Have Exactly Two Fucking Seconds To Apologize,

I must say, I am a little surprised by your tone. No one has ever gotten 10 Demerits all at once before but, guess what? You just did.

You cannot possibly comprehend all of the many, many things that I carefully weigh and balance every single day, all of the fragile male and female egos I nurse and care for, nor all of the balls I keep spinning in the air (it's best to let those things breathe as much as possible!).

The decisions and choices that I make are far beyond your limited male god-I-want-to-fuck-that reasoning. I promise, you will be much happier if you let me do all of the thinking around here from now on.

Plus, I thought you of all people would appreciate my new tan.

But now I'm mad at you. And I'm revoking your privilege of showing me how much you appreciate my new tan until you apologize for being mean to me.

I'm happy to meet you in the Demerit Room. I feel a little sad for your bottom and your balls already though


- Doctor "You're In Big, Big Trouble Buster" Liz

 

[LizVegas79]

Dr Liz, I see you currently are taking new patients. What is the copay for your services?

Dear New Patient,

I accept several different copay options. The copay for my services can be a Kickstarter, GoFundMe, or other social media campaign, or your 401k, or a loan you negotiate with your boyfriend, or any quick cash you earn at the motel down on the corner.

Or, we can work out some sort of exchange of services arrangement. Those are usually the most fun.

So, what's the prob? How fucked up are you?


- Doctor "You're Going To Like My Flexibility" Liz

 

[LizVegas79]

Makes a note to myself to speed up development of the Eye Bleach I have been working on. It will become the hottest selling substance in the world once men like me are wandering around in banana hammocks...cause eww....just ewwww.

Hmmm ... good point. Maybe only "special" men should be required to wear banana hammocks.

So could you please send me the stock symbol for your new eye bleach company? I'd like to get in on the ground floor if at all possible on that one.

 

[JerseyJade]

Dear New Patient,

I accept several different copay options. The copay for my services can be a Kickstarter, GoFundMe, or other social media campaign, or your 401k, or a loan you negotiate with your boyfriend, or any quick cash you earn at the motel down on the corner.

Or, we can work out some sort of exchange of services arrangement. Those are usually the most fun.

So, what's the prob? How fucked up are you?


- Doctor "You're Going To Like My Flexibility" Liz

Just so you know, if a boyfriend is going to be used as copay, I will need to inspect him first to make sure he's "up" for the value.

 

[Sinstories]

Hmmm ... good point. Maybe only "special" men should be required to wear banana hammocks.

So could you please send me the stock symbol for your new eye bleach company? I'd like to get in on the ground floor if at all possible on that one.

Sure, I registered was OFUK on Nasdaq.

 

[LizVegas79]

Just so you know, if a boyfriend is going to be used as copay, I will need to inspect him first to make sure he's "up" for the value.

Great catch JJ! Silly me, I didn't think it all the way thru like you did.

Of course, any boyfriend could be hit up for some cash, but LENDING a boyfriend to me in exchange for some therapeutic services - that's brilliant! But of course, he would have to MEASURE UP first. Nothing less than 9" please. But I'll leave you in charge of that.

You should get one of those tape measurer thingeys I see construction guys wearing on their belt. You would look cute wearing a belt with one of those tape measurers hanging off it. Grab some petty cash and get a clipboard and one of those yellow hard hats and a big ol' pair of construction boots to complete the outfit.

Sure, I registered was OFUK on Nasdaq.

Hello new Lexus!

I prefer dark alleys instead of motels (less "critters"), but please do tell me more about this exchange of services arrangement.
Extremely. I am extremely fucked up.


Can it be a Lit friend instead of a boyfriend? And is he giving his load of "payment" to Jade or Liz? (Just in case he thinks he needs to know.)

If he measures up (see above) he will have to "pay" JJ first and then me 2-3 days later because I don't want to be short changed.

Oh goodie! Extremely fucked up is excellent for business!

 

[JerseyJade]

Great catch JJ! Silly me, I didn't think it all the way thru like you did.

Of course, any boyfriend could be hit up for some cash, but LENDING a boyfriend to me in exchange for some therapeutic services - that's brilliant! But of course, he would have to MEASURE UP first. Nothing less than 9" please. But I'll leave you in charge of that.

You should get one of those tape measurer thingeys I see construction guys wearing on their belt. You would look cute wearing a belt with one of those tape measurers hanging off it. Grab some petty cash and get a clipboard and one of those yellow hard hats and a big ol' pair of construction boots to complete the outfit.

Is my tape measure still in my old locker? If so, I will use that. I've had a lot of experience using that one.

I have no problem wearing a yellow hard hat, but construction boots? No way!

Can I borrow a pair of shoes from your shoe closet instead? I'm sure I can find a pair that will work for me. It may take me a couple of hours to go through them all, but it'll be worth it.

If he measures up (see above) he will have to "pay" JJ first and then me 2-3 days later because I don't want to be short changed.

Oh goodie! Extremely fucked up is excellent for business!

Yay! And I get "paid" too! It doesn't get any better than this.

 

[LizVegas79]

Is my tape measure still in my old locker? If so, I will use that. I've had a lot of experience using that one.

I have no problem wearing a yellow hard hat, but construction boots? No way!

Can I borrow a pair of shoes from your shoe closet instead? I'm sure I can find a pair that will work for me. It may take me a couple of hours to go through them all, but it'll be worth it.



Yay! And I get "paid" too! It doesn't get any better than this.

It is. It might be a little crusty though because if I remember correctly, you used it A LOT!


Sure, go ahead and raid my shoe closet!

(now everyone knows for sure how much I like you! lol)

 

[JerseyJade]

It is. It might be a little crusty though because if I remember correctly, you used it A LOT!


Sure, go ahead and raid my shoe closet!

(now everyone knows for sure how much I like you! lol)

Lol

Like I said, it might take awhile, but I'm sure I'll find a pair that I'll like.

 

[investor2020]

Dear Dr. "Indian Giver" Liz -

Please forgive the confusion . . . first you acknowledge the error of your ways and accept the punishment suggested: "Fine. You're right" and "Now, I guess, I have to make you happy too", and then you berate me (and other neglected patients) for failing to immediately fill up your calendar: "Too bad for you, but I'm going to give all my awesome naughty advice to someone else now!" (note, I purposely omitted the inflammatory remarks that preceded that last one).

I accept and respect a woman's prerogative to change her mind. I also accept that I might have gone a tad too far in calling for additional, and more substantial, retribution for you. And therefore I am willing to accept EQUAL time in the Demerit Room with you.

Signed,

Your "who gets to go first?" humble contractor/patient

 

[LAHomedog]

Dr. Liz,

Thank you for your precious help and finding the time for me to book another appointment. I know I am not worthy but along the same line as my previous question, I'm rather hefty downstairs and I wondering if I should dress left or dress right?

Which way would you suggest?

Signed,

I Put On My Pants One Leg At A Time.

 

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr. "Indian Giver" Liz -

Please forgive the confusion . . . first you acknowledge the error of your ways and accept the punishment suggested: "Fine. You're right" and "Now, I guess, I have to make you happy too", and then you berate me (and other neglected patients) for failing to immediately fill up your calendar: "Too bad for you, but I'm going to give all my awesome naughty advice to someone else now!" (note, I purposely omitted the inflammatory remarks that preceded that last one).

I accept and respect a woman's prerogative to change her mind. I also accept that I might have gone a tad too far in calling for additional, and more substantial, retribution for you. And therefore I am willing to accept EQUAL time in the Demerit Room with you.

Signed,

Your "who gets to go first?" humble contractor/patient

Dear Understanding,

Awww, you're so sweet. Now I feel horrible for being such a bitch. I had a lot of people coming at me (and on me!) that day, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

I guess it was all just a silly misunderstanding. I am willing to agree to your 50/50 terms in regards to settling this matter and putting this all behind us.

In fact, I look forward to you putting all of IT behind me. You can even pull my hair, spank me until my little brown ass is a pretty shade of raspberry and call me dirty names while you're doing it.

For purely selfish reasons, I would prefer that you go first so that you last longer when it's my turn for retribution.

And btw, we prefer the term Native American giver these days.


- Doctor "We Both Deserve This" Liz

 

[LizVegas79]

Dr. Liz,

Thank you for your precious help and finding the time for me to book another appointment. I know I am not worthy but along the same line as my previous question, I'm rather hefty downstairs and I wondering if I should dress left or dress right?

Which way would you suggest?

Signed,

I Put On My Pants One Leg At A Time.

Dear Methodical,

You are very welcome. I know. I'm such a giver, aren't I? I really am fabulous.

So, umm, when you say "hefty downstairs" do you mean what I hope you mean? If so, I can clear my schedule at the drop of a shoe for a full length inspection to see what exactly I will be dealing with.

Looking forward to saying the words "OH MY GODD!!"


- Doctor "Size Totally Matters" Liz

 

[Sinstories]

Dear Dr Liz

Long time reader, first time poster.....

A little background:

My family settled in this country in mid 1600s. It was a difficult time and many were lost to harsh winters, mountain lions, bears and a butter churn incident I would prefer not to go into in today's session. But through it all, they survived and built a life in the wilderness, establishing a foothold that has grown and spread across the continent. GGGGGGGG Grandpa, was quite the stud from what the family records indicate. He fathered 19 children, losing his first 2 wives in childbirth, finally fathering the last when he was 78 with his 3rd wife who as 26 at the time.

As the years passed the family grew and expanded. A lot of horney old goats siring huge broods of kids and sending them off to the mines, the army and sometimes the brothels. But through it all, they kept the family name solid and well respected.

It was just after the civil war that things began to turn. My great, great, great Aunt headed west and took up with a saloon keeper in a small desert town. That town got trampled by a heard of cattle during an unusually dry spring, but that's neither here nor there. The town eventually became Las Vegas, so maybe you know her?

Probably not, but anyway, my question is:

Would I get locked up in jail if I push my neighbor off his ladder while he is installing the 10zillion lights and shit in his yard for Christmas that can be seen from the other side of the fucking solar system?

Thank you in advance for you advice and counsel.

Angry Neighbor

 

[JerseyJade]

Dear Dr Liz

Long time reader, first time poster.....

A little background:

My family settled in this country in mid 1600s. It was a difficult time and many were lost to harsh winters, mountain lions, bears and a butter churn incident I would prefer not to go into in today's session. But through it all, they survived and built a life in the wilderness, establishing a foothold that has grown and spread across the continent. GGGGGGGG Grandpa, was quite the stud from what the family records indicate. He fathered 19 children, losing his first 2 wives in childbirth, finally fathering the last when he was 78 with his 3rd wife who as 26 at the time.

As the years passed the family grew and expanded. A lot of horney old goats siring huge broods of kids and sending them off to the mines, the army and sometimes the brothels. But through it all, they kept the family name solid and well respected.

It was just after the civil war that things began to turn. My great, great, great Aunt headed west and took up with a saloon keeper in a small desert town. That town got trampled by a heard of cattle during an unusually dry spring, but that's neither here nor there. The town eventually became Las Vegas, so maybe you know her?

Probably not, but anyway, my question is:

Would I get locked up in jail if I push my neighbor off his ladder while he is installing the 10zillion lights and shit in his yard for Christmas that can be seen from the other side of the fucking solar system?

Thank you in advance for you advice and counsel.

Angry Neighbor

Lmao!

 

[LoveLiving]

Dear Curious,

No, my receptionist isn't married. The terms of her employment agreement are casual dating only and I get 30% of whatever she makes after-hours. Why?

Where I got my credentials is none of your business. Besides, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Earth isn't the only inhabited planet in the world you know.

And btw, what's wrong with my tits and pussy? It's taken me years but I actually like them. So does everyone else who accepts them as their salvation.

- Doctor "I Can Heal You Or Save You" Liz

Well, you know. I wasn't knocking your magnificent tits. I just didn't want to pry into your personal life and get too personal.
And your pussy is a mystery to me, so I can't really inquire about something which I know nothing about. I'm sure it is also magnificent.
We should have expected that you were not of this world, you are just too pure and so perfect in every way.
If you believe this bullshit, I have swampland in Florida for sale.

XO

 

[LizVegas79]

Well, you know. I wasn't knocking your magnificent tits. I just didn't want to pry into your personal life and get too personal.
And your pussy is a mystery to me, so I can't really inquire about something which I know nothing about. I'm sure it is also magnificent.
We should have expected that you were not of this world, you are just too pure and so perfect in every way.
If you believe this bullshit, I have swampland in Florida for sale.

XO

So all your sweet words are just BS? That's soooooo disappointing.

"I thought you were going to make a new friend today kitty.
But apparently he just wants to sell us some real estate."


- Doctor "Woo Me Better" Liz

 

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr Liz

Long time reader, first time poster.....

A little background:

My family settled in this country in mid 1600s. It was a difficult time and many were lost to harsh winters, mountain lions, bears and a butter churn incident I would prefer not to go into in today's session. But through it all, they survived and built a life in the wilderness, establishing a foothold that has grown and spread across the continent. GGGGGGGG Grandpa, was quite the stud from what the family records indicate. He fathered 19 children, losing his first 2 wives in childbirth, finally fathering the last when he was 78 with his 3rd wife who as 26 at the time.

As the years passed the family grew and expanded. A lot of horney old goats siring huge broods of kids and sending them off to the mines, the army and sometimes the brothels. But through it all, they kept the family name solid and well respected.

It was just after the civil war that things began to turn. My great, great, great Aunt headed west and took up with a saloon keeper in a small desert town. That town got trampled by a heard of cattle during an unusually dry spring, but that's neither here nor there. The town eventually became Las Vegas, so maybe you know her?

Probably not, but anyway, my question is:

Would I get locked up in jail if I push my neighbor off his ladder while he is installing the 10zillion lights and shit in his yard for Christmas that can be seen from the other side of the fucking solar system?

Thank you in advance for you advice and counsel.

Angry Neighbor

Lmao!

She's a doctor, not a lawyer! ROFL
My advice would be to make sure that there is no video evidence of this "unfortunate accident".

Dear Angry Neighbor,

Not to pry, but usually when someone self-diagnosis themselves they overlook or dismiss the really important deets. So, that said, let's put a pin in that butter churning incident and circle back to it later, okay? My intuition tells me there's more to that story and my curiosity, well my curiosity is, shall we say? piqued. (just like everyone else's apparently )

I know many well respected people informally in the brothel business so we should compare notes on that tomorrow evening in my office after I close for the night. Maybe swing by the office tomorrow evening around 7 after we close? I have some vodka in the freezer and some yummy medical gummies and a sybian if you need to loosen up and get comfortable chatting with me first. I have video cameras everywhere so everything we do will be very well documented. I can definitely promise you that you will have a professional, visually documented alibi for tomorrow night.

btw, The Great Cattle Stampede of Las Vegas is in my family history too and I have a great-great-aunt who used that calamity to start a high-end, full-service brothel biz too so it seems we have a lot in common.

Now, regarding your neighbor. That is a somewhat delicate situation. With all those lights we're going to need an alibi for you. So again, I want to extend that invitation to swing by my offices tomorrow evening after we close. Bring your jammies and favorite dildo as we will spend the night together getting to know each other better and covering each other asses Saturday morning when the po-po show up.

So, here's the plan. I know this guy Vinny. He owes me several favors for favors that I have done for him in the past (not important, but you can probably guess that they involved certain physical therapy that was mutually, you could even say simultaneously, beneficial for the both of us).

Any-whos, him and his brother and a few of their friends all fucking love me. They literally worship the ground I walk on. (I have the cum stains on several of my shoes to prove it too). So, while you and I are mixing drinks and diving into each other's ... pasts ... Vinny and his brother and their friends will visit your neighbor's garage and make sure that his ladder meets county building code regulations.

As is often the case with these types of totally legal, don't ask, don't tell inspections, they will probably discover that some of the bolts on the ladder are non-regulation so they will naturally confiscate those bolts for safety concerns.

Unfortunately, Vinny and his brother and their friends are very busy guys. They may not have time to notify your neighbor of the confiscated bolts and in their haste to get to their next "job" on time, some of your neighbor's lights may accidentally get pulled down as they leave.

If, on the off chance your neighbor decides to put those pulled down lights back up before the notice comes in the mail about his confiscated bolts, or if the notice in the mail happens to get lost, well, then, heck, your family will just have to add "The Neighbor's Ladder Incident" to your family's amazing legacy.


- Doctor "I'll Cover Your Ass If You Uncover Mine" Liz


btw - Bambi is right. I'm not a lawyer. I do look pretty cute in a business suit though and I've never failed to make a good impression, a great impression actually, on a judge whether it's a man or a woman because I go both ways and I can be very, very convincing when I want to be. I also make very naughty promises if the case goes my way and, well, let's just say I've never lost a case yet so you would be wise to hire me as your therapist and your legal counsel. Of course, I will have to double bill you for my services. But we can work out payment tomorrow night when you swing by the office after I close. Like I said, I have lots of vodka, a sybian and cameras everywhere so I'm sure if you're willing to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, whatever "movies" we make will more than compensate me for my time and effort.

 

[CuMex1]

Dear Dr. Liz

What are your thoughts on a cunnilingus centered relationship? Basically this is when a man isn’t having as much intercourse through penetration but rather satisfying his woman through licking her pussy. I admit that I’ve always to some extent been a bit more on the submissive side (inside the bedroom not so much out of it) so for me it’s a huge turn on and giving a woman oral was always something I have enjoyed doing add to the fact that it is largely how I get my wife off in the bed is through oral. She enjoys it and refers to me her “little personal alarm clock” lol. But what is your opinion on the matter especially as a married woman yourself.

 

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr Liz,
I am in awe of your problem solving abilities. I may need your guy Vinny to take care of my cable guy if they don't show up in their "window" next time. I'll pay anything.
Thank you,
frustrated in TN

Dear Chattanooga Choo-Choo,

Thank you. It's good to know people in low places. Especially when you have one or two of them begging at your feet to please you.

I keep Vinny and his brother and their friends very busy. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't give me the respect I deserve (blondes mostly lol) and so I send them out on lots of discreet little "jobs" for me. They have a way of making accidents happen that I must admit I admire.

Tell me more about this cable guy. I hear it rains a lot in Tennessee, right? Vinny sort of specializes in mixing electricity and water to get people to do what I want.

btw - I love your cute stockings! I happen to know for a fact that Vinny and his brother both have a thing for cute women in cute stockings so if you want to save a little cash, I'm sure they would be open to any alternative form of payment you might prefer.

And if you're curious about what types of alternative forms of payment they like best, just ask JJ. She has "worked" with them many, many times in various capacities and positions before. Vinny and his brother measure up to both her standards and mine so I'm sure you won't be disappointed in their performance.


- Doctor "I Make Problems Go Bye-Bye" Liz

 

[LizVegas79]

Dear Dr. Liz

What are your thoughts on a cunnilingus centered relationship? Basically this is when a man isn’t having as much intercourse through penetration but rather satisfying his woman through licking her pussy. I admit that I’ve always to some extent been a bit more on the submissive side (inside the bedroom not so much out of it) so for me it’s a huge turn on and giving a woman oral was always something I have enjoyed doing add to the fact that it is largely how I get my wife off in the bed is through oral. She enjoys it and refers to me her “little personal alarm clock” lol. But what is your opinion on the matter especially as a married woman yourself.

Dear Orally Fixated,

Hmm, let's see, let's ask the expert ....

"Sweetie? Are we awake?"


- Doctor "You've Come To The Right Place" Liz

 

[CuMex1]

Dear Orally Fixated,

Hmm, let's see, let's ask the expert ....

"Sweetie? Are we awake?"


- Doctor "You've Come To The Right Place" Liz

LOL you crack me sometime Liz

 

[JerseyJade]

And if you're curious about what types of alternative forms of payment they like best, just ask JJ. She has "worked" with them many, many times in various capacities and positions before. Vinny and his brother measure up to both her standards and mine so I'm sure you won't be disappointed in their performance.


- Doctor "I Make Problems Go Bye-Bye" Liz

Well I do have a thing for Italian guys, so there's that also.