ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[VelvetDarkness]

In response to an ad on SRPs looking for a dominant roleplay partner: -

u profile pic is hot i wanna rp with u i wanna fuck with u mind u dirty cunt

I specifically asked for an articulate, inventive writer. Get back to me when you've looked all that up.

what u problem u want rp partner for 1 on 1 and i wanna rp with u

My problem is that you're either an 8 year old text message addict, completely fucking illiterate or the laziest typist on planet Earth. This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters. Run along.

Cue barrage of appallingly spelled abuse.

 

[Etoile]

This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters.

YES! YES! YES!

Can I quote this in my sig?

 

[Homburg]

This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters. Run along.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters. Run along.

Let me add to H's

 

[graceanne]

This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters.

Can I fourth the applause for this comment?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

YES! YES! YES!

Can I quote this in my sig?

Sure, I'd be honoured.

Wow guys, such effusive praise. Thanks!

 

[harrlequin]

This is LIT-erotica where the size of your polysyllable matters. Run along.

[meyers]We're not worthy!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

at you.

"Owned slave living with my Master L."

have fun being a loser.

I love the way he feels the need to clarify who he's laughing at.

Bless.

Oh I will, don't you worry.

I'd love for you to go express that opinion on the BDSM Forum, in fact, I dare you.

My life is my own to do with as I please and that includes the right to give it to someone else. I'm happily engaged with a fantastic kinky sexlife.

Which beats a blank profile every time. Blank profiles just scream 'sad single fucktard.'

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

I think this is my favorite thread here!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Is that really you in the pic on your profile? My god you're sexy. I'm so hot right now...

This from a female sounding nic that has a blank profile and virtually no posts. How fucking thick do these HNG boys think I am?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Is that really you in the pic on your profile? My god you're sexy. I'm so hot right now...

This from a female sounding nic that has a blank profile and virtually no posts. How fucking thick do these HNG boys think I am?

You have to remember that 94.99% of their blood supply is nourishing their little head, not the one that puts PMs and stuff together. And they entirely miss the first word of your custom title.

 

[ShyGuy68]

This from a female sounding nic that has a blank profile and virtually no posts. How fucking thick do these HNG boys think I am?

There's one that'll never be lucky enough to see you in real life!

 

[Vixandra]

Maybe not the worst, but I've been getting a lot of PM's the past couple of days.
My current "fav:"

your name is astounding
and your profile is even better

That's the first time I've heard a comment about my name here...

 

[Betticus]

Sure, I'd be honoured.

Wow guys, such effusive praise. Thanks!

I almost snorted from the laughing when I read that polysyllabic bit.

Damn woman, I think you dangled my participle with that one.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You have to remember that 94.99% of their blood supply is nourishing their little head, not the one that puts PMs and stuff together. And they entirely miss the first word of your custom title.

Either that or they can't be bothered to click over to dictionary.com and enlighten themselves.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I almost snorted from the laughing when I read that polysyllabic bit.

Damn woman, I think you dangled my participle with that one.

Well I was about due a nice, quotable comment to show how many loyal fans I have here. Check back in a year or so and I might have another one.

 

[satindesire]

Well I was about due a nice, quotable comment to show how many loyal fans I have here. Check back in a year or so and I might have another one.

You're such a raging bitch sometimes and I think that's fabulous. I Heart You.

And I love seeing you whale on the dorks in How To.

 

[ultramarineblue]

You're such a raging bitch sometimes and I think that's fabulous. I Heart You.

And I love seeing you whale on the dorks in How To.

*running off to see Velvet in action in How To*

 

[Harmony_1985]

You're such a raging bitch sometimes and I think that's fabulous. I Heart You.

And I love seeing you whale on the dorks in How To.

That's why we ALL love her.

 

[Homburg]

Posted per request of MIS:

hi. Homburg. Can i personal message myinnerslut. Im lookin for a special slut fulfill my hard sexual needs. Its up to u of course

My reply:

While I appreciate that you messaged me first, her profile makes clear that she is uninterested in chatting, IM, and cyber, and has no permission for such things. So my answer is a no.

They seem to read the part about talking to me, and gloss over that "I'm not interested" part.

And this is far from the first time.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think you're perfect, your pic is so fucking hot. Could you be my new Mistress?

If you bothered to read my profile instead of looking at the pretty picture, you'd see I'm a slave, not dominant in the slightest.

Are you illiterate or just fucking stupid?

 

[00Syd]

If you bothered to read my profile instead of looking at the pretty picture, you'd see I'm a slave, not dominant in the slightest.

Are you illiterate or just fucking stupid?

I get approached by guys looking for a mistress on a near constant basis on fetlife. It's really not enough to say that you are a sub for them to not believe that maybe, just maybe, you are really a secret dom who longs to hold the whip. Often times I explain, sorry, not a switch, and they'll say, oh that's okay, can I worship you anyway? Gosh, when I try to imagine someone "worshiping me?" SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

 

[satindesire]

I get approached by guys looking for a mistress on a near constant basis on fetlife. It's really not enough to say that you are a sub for them to not believe that maybe, just maybe, you are really a secret dom who longs to hold the whip. Often times I explain, sorry, not a switch, and they'll say, oh that's okay, can I worship you anyway? Gosh, when I try to imagine someone "worshiping me?" SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

That's when you say "Sure, come by my house at 3pm...you can start worshiping me by doing my laundry, picking up my mail, mowing, raking, weeding and watering the lawn, doing the dishes and cleaning my house."

 

[MisterSir]

I get approached by guys looking for a mistress on a near constant basis on fetlife. It's really not enough to say that you are a sub for them to not believe that maybe, just maybe, you are really a secret dom who longs to hold the whip. Often times I explain, sorry, not a switch, and they'll say, oh that's okay, can I worship you anyway? Gosh, when I try to imagine someone "worshiping me?" SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

Fetlife seems to breed idiocy like that; I've had three messages there aside from the standard welcome, of which one was from a submissive gay guy, one was from a dominant gay guy and one was from a dominant bisexual female, thus neatly touching all of the bases except the one I'm actually interested in. To cap it all, not one of them was from England. Way to know your audience, guys.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I get approached by guys looking for a mistress on a near constant basis on fetlife. It's really not enough to say that you are a sub for them to not believe that maybe, just maybe, you are really a secret dom who longs to hold the whip. Often times I explain, sorry, not a switch, and they'll say, oh that's okay, can I worship you anyway? Gosh, when I try to imagine someone "worshiping me?" SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

That's when you say "Sure, come by my house at 3pm...you can start worshiping me by doing my laundry, picking up my mail, mowing, raking, weeding and watering the lawn, doing the dishes and cleaning my house."

LOL! I know someone (femsub) who actually did that... and he DID! Brought over a carpet shampooer and shampooed her carpets, did the dishes and the laundry... she *did* have a little problem with him wanting to wash the outsides of the windows and mow the lawn in only frilly panties, though. She was pretty sure that would have been a violation of her HOA rules, if not local law.