ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[satindesire]

LOL! I know someone (femsub) who actually did that... and he DID! Brought over a carpet shampooer and shampooed her carpets, did the dishes and the laundry... she *did* have a little problem with him wanting to wash the outsides of the windows and mow the lawn in only frilly panties, though. She was pretty sure that would have been a violation of her HOA rules, if not local law.

That actually works?

Shit.

I need to advertise on my profile or something.

Do you know how hard it is to keep this house clean when I can barely get up and down the stairs?!

 

[graceanne]

That's when you say "Sure, come by my house at 3pm...you can start worshiping me by doing my laundry, picking up my mail, mowing, raking, weeding and watering the lawn, doing the dishes and cleaning my house."

And then some freaky person shows up and does it.

That actually works?

See? It's called service submission, and some people really get into it.

Do you know how hard it is to keep this house clean when I can barely get up and down the stairs?!

Yes.

 

[satindesire]

And then some freaky person shows up and does it.

See? It's called service submission, and some people really get into it.

I don't care if the dude looks like Igor from Young Frankenstein, I just need my car waxed.

 

[graceanne]

I don't care if the dude looks like Igor from Young Frankenstein, I just need my car waxed.

You will if he then won't leave and now he knows where you live.

Being safe, internet wise, is just as important with service subs as with any other form of kinky interaction.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I don't care if the dude looks like Igor from Young Frankenstein, I just need my car waxed.

You will if he then won't leave and now he knows where you live.

Being safe, internet wise, is just as important with service subs as with any other form of kinky interaction.

Yup. Drive to a block away from his house, remove your license plate and anything in the car that might lead to where you live, then drive to his house and let him Black Magic Wet Shine Liquid Wax or Turtle Wax Carnauba Car Wax T-6 it to his (and your) heart's content. (Those are the two waxes that scored highest in Consumer Report's car wax test.). Even though they're only about $7 (US) a bottle, let him buy the one he uses. That'll make it more personal and satisfying to him.

(Don't forget to put your license plate back on after you've left his house.)

 

[satindesire]

...Guys, I was just kidding.

Geeze, give me a little credit here.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

...Guys, I was just kidding.

Geeze, give me a little credit here.

I think you should buy a cattle prod and go for it!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

...Guys, I was just kidding.

Geeze, give me a little credit here.

You couldn't taste the sarcasm in my response? Damn.

 

[graceanne]

(Don't forget to put your license plate back on after you've left his house.)

Huh? I don't get it?

 

[satindesire]

You couldn't taste the sarcasm in my response? Damn.

No, I really didn't! I'm so sorry, it's really hard to read 'tone' in text.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I get so tired of the messages that simply say, "hey." Why even bother? My standard response has become, "If you would like to converse with me, please say something more than 'Hey.'"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Yup. Drive to a block away from his house, remove your license plate and anything in the car that might lead to where you live, then drive to his house and let him Black Magic Wet Shine Liquid Wax or Turtle Wax Carnauba Car Wax T-6 it to his (and your) heart's content. (Those are the two waxes that scored highest in Consumer Report's car wax test.). Even though they're only about $7 (US) a bottle, let him buy the one he uses. That'll make it more personal and satisfying to him.

(Don't forget to put your license plate back on after you've left his house.)

Huh? I don't get it?

You apparently skipped right over the first bolded part, gracie dear.

 

[graceanne]

You apparently skipped right over the first bolded part, gracie dear.

But why would you put the license plate back on?

What? You couldn't taste the smart alec-ness in my tone?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

But why would you put the license plate back on?

What? You couldn't taste the smart alec-ness in my tone?

Because tickets for driving without a license plate on the car are more expensive than getting a commercial hand-wax job.

Brat.

 

[graceanne]

Brat.

Flatterer!

 

[satindesire]

hand wax job.

Heh.

heh heh,

Heh.

Giggedy.

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

you gotta get a hand wax job

if the machine is out of alignment... YEOWCH!!!!!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

hand wax job.

Heh.

heh heh,

Heh.

Giggedy.

I *wondered* who else might chuckle at that phrase, even as I typed it. I should have known.

 

[BiBunny]

From a certain asshat who keeps spamming the discussion threads with stupid pics (not calling any names *ahem*):

You nor your pals never have contacted me about your private thread... Sorry I posted in response to the thread title...

Photos removed and will drop of thread. Sorry for the troubles....

I almost responded, but then I decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

 

[Sexualinnocent]

This morning (at 3:30 am) a certain asshat decided to PM me...apparently had looked at my profile and decided to tell me all about my life. Considering that he doesn't know me from Eve, he clearly is of small mind and even smaller sexual prowess.

Quote from complete fucktard

An owner that protects you? Thats hysterical


Love how he knows everything about me...and calls himself right all the time (in the next PM LOL). And how many of us would love this kind of respectful attitude of our lifestyle?

Basically i told him where to go, but he probably needs a map.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Couldn't make it up...

Just came accross a post you made about your fascination with watching male anatomy...I enjoy watching and being watched! I think there is nothing sexier and more sensual than pleasuring yourself for and with that special lady...

Interested?

I don't remember making any such post and a cursory look at my sig and profile will tell you I'm happy collared and not remotely interested.

Hmm must ne my mistake. Please accept my most humble apology.
I guess we are all masters of our own destinys aren't we? Thats the only true master!!

Well, when faced with Mr NoPosts' twooly masterly qualities, I'll take destiny every time.

And I don't even believe in destiny.



ETA: When I said destiny, what I actually meant was my very own Master, who happened to glance over my shoulder while I was posting the above. That's what I really meant, because I'm a perfick ickle twoo slave. (insert another rolleye smiley here, one of the magic ones only visible to sammy subs)

 

[Homburg]

ETA: When I said destiny, what I actually meant was my very own Master, who happened to glance over my shoulder while I was posting the above. That's what I really meant, because I'm a perfick ickle twoo slave. (insert another rolleye smiley here, one of the magic ones only visible to sammy subs)

*snort*

You tapdance well.

 

[missginger2177]

Received this in PM form yesterday....
"maybe I can help you..
..because of the financial crisis we lose everything! We have only a little income.. every cent counts for this time. who knows how long we have to live like that? i will help you my friend.. i got a solution for it in my site..

http://cashdirect.weebly.com/

check it out! decide for yourself! do you want to live in poverty? I don't! do something for you live..for your kids! only you can do and change something."

My little, 16 year old brother, saw the message and laughed. Then I got this priceless quote, "Probably thinks you'll turn tricks just because you like sex." Gotta love a kid that knows what he's talking about.

 

[satindesire]

Received this in PM form yesterday....
"maybe I can help you..
..because of the financial crisis we lose everything! We have only a little income.. every cent counts for this time. who knows how long we have to live like that? i will help you my friend.. i got a solution for it in my site..

http://cashdirect.weebly.com/

check it out! decide for yourself! do you want to live in poverty? I don't! do something for you live..for your kids! only you can do and change something."

My little, 16 year old brother, saw the message and laughed. Then I got this priceless quote, "Probably thinks you'll turn tricks just because you like sex." Gotta love a kid that knows what he's talking about.

Don't forget to report that person for spam.

 

[CutieMouse]

I got my first asshat email on another site; it's been a few years since I've gotten one.

So this guy sends out this obvious form letter with your basic I build the bestest kink toys EVAR, and instead of selling them I offer my expertise/fabulousfucktoyfivethousand/expert in Control/Mentoring/blahblahblahness stuff.

Me being me, I pointed out that form emails come across as scatter shot and spamish, but good luck with that.

Guy writes back a polite note, I respond with a polite note of good luck yadayadayada (restating disinterest), and he comes back with the "you're different from most of the women here" line [Really? Ya think?] and suggests we could have a lot to offer one another and pitches the whole uber-toys thing again.

Seriously - thank you, but not interested in the accouterments/toys/things aspect of BDSM. At all. Period. Very very very negative opinion of such. Thanks, but no thanks; good luck finding someone.


... twit responded with a reminder that XYZ toy could pound me at X strokes per minute, and keep him in mind!!!

What a tool.