ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[chy_girl]

Ok, can a vagina shiver?

We need to stop saying quim. It's making me feel ill!

 

[PatchIsMe]

Can quims shiver?

I must admit, I have never heard the word quim until now.

 

[Aquila1]

A quartet of quavering quims quaking in querulous quorum

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

that's just fun! i wonder how many Doms on this board would willingly wear one of those without having to be tied down...

I admit that I have worn one of these pachyderms, with only moderate tying down necessary. But I only did it because of my deep respect for the fellow creatures of our fragile blue/green planet.

 

[neci]

I admit that I have worn one of these pachyderms, with only moderate tying down necessary. But I only did it because of my deep respect for the fellow creatures of our fragile blue/green planet.

oh my.... hmmmmmm... i have never been slapped in the face by an elephant before...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I do use "she devil" rather a lot. Also 38 is ancient to somebody in their teens, who would appear to be the author of that piece of so-called erotica. Also has anybody else noticed the general proliferation of the phrase "tight little ass"? Is there something I'm missing that makes the aforementioned particularly desirable? What a pillock. I crush on a 37-year-old and am I ashamed of it? Fuck and no.

Mine's 45. That's the way I like it.

Not being a fucker of asses, I can't say whether a 'tight little one' is particularly desierable or not. I guess it's good, but there's a point where things are too tight. You wouldn't want your cock snapped in half or anything.

We need to stop saying quim. It's making me feel ill!

I must admit, I have never heard the word quim until now.

I had, but I don't particularly like it. Icky.

A quartet of quavering quims quaking in querulous quorum

Much lolz.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

oh my.... hmmmmmm... i have never been slapped in the face by an elephant before...

From Wikipedia:

"...a raised trunk can be a warning or threat, while a lowered trunk can be a sign of submission. Elephants can defend themselves very well by flailing their trunk at unwanted intruders or by grasping and flinging them."

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

First email:

---i am the person who wrote in yesterday with my question on my ex and you are the one who got my question cancelled. i never got the chance to reply back so i will now. who the fuck do you think you are, i have read your profile write up and let me tell you that you are a thick bitch who stumbled across a problem that required responses way beyond your usual trail of thoughts. your nothing but an old washed out slut and your respons was not required or appreciated. you carry on and advise people on how to be into sexual fetishes, fucking smutty freak. thats why your husband sticks around is it as it seems that's all you have to offer. id keep on trying to be a good christian as well because you fell at the first hurdle rom your last response that i read, which was then deleted. you are a nasty, ugly minded bitch and you used blasphemous language openly, hope you go to hell for that. as for modelling, fuck me you look like an old pron queen, so was you successful in sucking cocks all around America. stupid cow your a nobody, ive travelled around America, wooopeee fucking do. you've been on here two minutes and your rated poorly, i never was, so shut your fucking ugly mouth up you thick bitch, your advice is shite, your a typical gobby, thick, vacumous, fucking yank and this is a false profile, so i will be watching out for you on my real one. Lastly fuck off and stick to being the old slag you are dishing out your shitty, grubby comments, SHE DEVIL!!!!!!!!



Second email:

--that was meant to say porn queen not prom by the way so dont think i was giving you any compliments. And as for the kid that you had, giving it date of birth and time it was oushed out, tell people who care you freak, who gives a shit when it was born, another kid to overpopulate the world and no doubt it will grow up as thick as you are. get over yourself you prized slapper.

:caning:

 

[ZRT]

It Came From Collarme

Now that it's concluded, I can post the epic saga in its entirety.

cynthia04 on 12/14/09 at 5:43 AM:
hello sir am cynthia and am here to find the master that i will spend the rest of my life with here is my yahoo id [redacted] hope to chat with you

ZRTfor on 12/14/09 at 5:46 AM:
But your profile says you're Janet???

cynthia04 on 12/14/09 at 6:17 AM:
am cynthia my ex gave me janet

ZRTfor on 12/14/09 at 5:07 PM:
So this is a two for one special? Will Janet be spending the rest of her life with me too? I like that idea.

cynthia04 on 12/15/09 at 3:51 AM:
YES SIR I WILL LIKE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU SIR

ZRTfor on 12/15/09 at 4:47 AM:
What an amazing coincidence SO WOULD I.

cynthia04
12/15/09 at 2:06 PM: ok sir i will be willing to chat with you sir

ZRTfor on 12/15/09 at 5:44 PM: Unfortunately my Yahoo Instant Messenger has been impounded by the government while my accounts are being reviewed. I have five hundred thousand dollars locked up in impound and am only allowed a few email messages a day until I can find somebody to help me get my money out.

cynthia04 on 12/17/09 at 8:27 AM:
ok sir i think i can help you out i will like to chat with you...

ZRTfor on 12/17/09 at 11:34 AM:
You can help me, really? That would be so very nice of you.

cynthia04 on 12/18/09 at 10:29 AM:
ok sir when will you like me to be with you sir

ZRTfor on 12/18/09 at 5:17 PM:
That's a little tricky, you see. I've not told anybody this story, but I feel like we have a special bond, like I can trust you like I've never trusted anybody before. Except for my previous slave, who was a wonderful girl with no limits who died under mysterious circumstances that might've had something to do with the internal bleeding from the car accident that she got into because she was half-blind from the tumor pressing on her optic nerve. Or the self-inflicted gunshot wound could've done it, the coroner was not sure. Anyway, I miss her terribly.

(If only she'd missed herself.)

See, she was a beautiful woman on the inside, she was somewhat disfigured on the outside from all the various accidents she'd been in- the rice picker accident that had cut off one of her ears (she used to joke about that and call herself Van Gogh, if you know what I mean and I know you do.)

Then there was the ignited flatulence disaster that had singed her eyebrows off and, well, melted her nostrils a bit. Okay, I had some culpability in that one.

Anyway, she was a beautiful woman, end of story. And she had one great ambition in life, besides spending her life serving me in any capacity I so desired. She wanted to be the Canine Collections Officer for the County. Now, this is not a cheap undertaking- Dogcatcher is a position of great prestige here in Texas, and the competition for the position is very fierce. So she had to work very hard to come up with the funding to compete for the job against Pete Zuniga, who'd held the position for the past twelve years. But Pete had been letting things slip- cats and dogs were living together and even walking in the park harmoniously, and he was vulnerable in the election.

So she took up webcamming, and you'd be surprised at how much demand there is for one-legged, facially-scarred, one-eared sex slaves in the cam market. I mean, we were making money like you wouldn't believe. I guess that's where we got a little too wild. I mean, the high life. Natural Light at the rallies, Doozle Donuts (Krispy Kreme donuts with Kool-Aid powder poured on top, I like the blue ones best), and maybe some meth that we cooked up in the trailer out back.

We were banging out attack ads on the TV and the radio, had a ten point lead in the polls, until the day that Pete caught us red-handed, distributing Doozles at the local elementary. On video, even. So the five hundred thousand dollars was locked up in Federal impound while the investigation commenced. That really sucked.

Then she died, which also sucked pretty bad.

So really, I'm kind of curious as to whether or not you can help me out here, because I really need to get out of the state pretty soon. So you're in San Jose, right? And I'm kind of wondering if you can front me for an airline ticket.

I mean, you do want to be with me forever and ever, right? And I'd really like to meet Janet, too. She seems pretty cool.

I think we have something special here, Cynthia. Let's go for it.

cynthia04 12/19/09 9:17 AM
[You cannot respond to this message because the account no longer exists]
bye not interested

I'd been PMing this as it developed to various people, and Hommy was like 'You should put it in the Asshat thread' and I says to myself 'Duh, that's the place for it.'

ETA: I must admit that I shamelessly swiped the line about Doozle Donuts from www.tonyhomo.com

 

[00Syd]

It Came From Collarme

Now that it's concluded, I can post the epic saga in its entirety.



I'd been PMing this as it developed to various people, and Hommy was like 'You should put it in the Asshat thread' and I says to myself 'Duh, that's the place for it.'

ETA: I must admit that I shamelessly swiped the line about Doozle Donuts from www.tonyhomo.com

I still think that you spent far more time than required bating her.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

It Came From Collarme

Now that it's concluded, I can post the epic saga in its entirety.



I'd been PMing this as it developed to various people, and Hommy was like 'You should put it in the Asshat thread' and I says to myself 'Duh, that's the place for it.'

ETA: I must admit that I shamelessly swiped the line about Doozle Donuts from www.tonyhomo.com

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/laughing-smiley-001.gif

 

[Netzach]

I still think that you spent far more time than required bating her.

The first ten lines or so were art, though, for sure.

 

[00Syd]

The first ten lines or so were art, though, for sure.

Oh, completely, but the whole thing was excessive.

 

[ImOnIt]

Punishment of the day! "My quim is ever so quivery, she's ever so shivery too"

recited fifty times and no mistakes or giggling.

Perhaps i just wanted to remind you all of the word quim. Mischief managed.

 

[ZRT]

Oh, completely, but the whole thing was excessive.

Yeah, well I'm a creature of excess.

 

[MisterSir]

That's a little tricky, you see. I've not told anybody this story, but I feel like we have a special bond, like I can trust you like I've never trusted anybody before. Except for my previous slave, who was a wonderful girl with no limits who died under mysterious circumstances that might've had something to do with the internal bleeding from the car accident that she got into because she was half-blind from the tumor pressing on her optic nerve. Or the self-inflicted gunshot wound could've done it, the coroner was not sure. Anyway, I miss her terribly.

(If only she'd missed herself.)

Ahahahaaaaa, beautiful! Excessive maybe, but I bloody well approve.

 

[satindesire]

ETA: I must admit that I shamelessly swiped the line about Doozle Donuts from

OMG that reminds me of No First Date!

http://nofirstdate.com/

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Yeah, well I'm a creature of excess.

Brilliantly, hilariously, disturbingly fucked up.

There is no such thing as excess.

 

[Wife of Bath]

First message/ communication I'd ever had from this person:

'u kno i wuld looove to piss in that hot, tite asshole. do u want my piss in ur ass, babe? u want it, i can tell.'

My reply:

"Wow! Well, sorry, that's not really my thing- I'm sure you can find a lady around here who would be into that though . "

His reply:

'can i send u a pair of piss-wet boxers?' Included a picture.

*vomits*

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

First message/ communication I'd ever had from this person:

'u kno i wuld looove to piss in that hot, tite asshole. do u want my piss in ur ass, babe? u want it, i can tell.'

My reply:

"Wow! Well, sorry, that's not really my thing- I'm sure you can find a lady around here who would be into that though . "

His reply:

'can i send u a pair of piss-wet boxers?' Included a picture.

*vomits*

If only that Shakespeare guy had known about text-speak, his stuff would've been really compelling.

His sonnets about rectum urination lack something, but I never knew quite what.

 

[Etoile]

ZRT, man, that's fucking EPIC.

 

[Wife of Bath]

This just occurred:

hi seen ure pics ure so hot

im *** 32 m ireland

up to anything wild at present?


xxxxx

Thank you!

I'm actually planning on a quiet evening in.

yea sounds interesting so what r u into sexually im *** on yahoo r n@hotmail.com if ud like to message me?

I literally laughed out loud at 'yea sounds interesting'.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

This just occurred:



I literally laughed out loud at 'yea sounds interesting'.

U mean UR not interested?

 

[sinnocence]

OMG that reminds me of No First Date!

http://nofirstdate.com/

Oh man. That site is great.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

No tapeworm no date.

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/lmaosmiley.gif