ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[chy_girl]

And so the judge looks at your lawyer and asks "How does the defendant plead." and ur lawyer says "Not guilty by reason of he had it comin', your honor."

Nah. I'm PTSD and have the official papers to prove it.

What is most offensive to me about the message is that he spells 'you' out twice before breaking down and putting in the 'u', which means he knows how to do it.

Just sad.

And not capitalizing the personal pronoun 'I' is starting to grate on me more and more these days. Is the shift key our enemy? IS IT?

I agree on the 'you' part, though I must admit to using a lowercase I now and then. My issue is when someone isn't consistent with their capitalization. It's just irritating.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I sigh and allow my body to relax just a little before leaning forward towards the rail. Before you realize what's happening I drive my thick heeled boot firmly into your knee, my stomach turning a little at the sickening crunch.

As you bend forward, the scream of pain on your lips, I quickly twist my left hand loose from your grip and drive my elbow firmly back as I turn my entire body to face you, the pointed bone thudding heavily against your cheek before sliding across your face and catching the side of your nose. A quick side shuffle step allows me loop one of my legs behind yours as I shove firmly against your chest, my hand fisted in your shirt only to control the angle you fall so as not to trip me.

As you land heavily on the floor, your knee throbbing, your nose bloodied, your eyes dazed from the blow to the back of your head, I lean over you -eyebrows raised in earnest- and say, "Don't ever touch me again without permission, or the doctor's will spend the next six months trying to piece your testicles back together - right after you shit them out."

With a friendly smile, I turn and walk away. My Sir is waiting for me at the bar.

"chy_girl", my ass.

I know that's you, Tarantino...

 

[chy_girl]

"chy_girl", my ass.

I know that's you, Tarantino...

I'm actually extremely, painfully shy. Till I get to know the people and the environment, then I tend to turn into "mouthy, Virgo, bitch woman with a sharp tongue and a sardonic sense of humor."

(You should see me go off on the misogynistic contractors and/or coworkers.)

 

[Aquila1]

I just don't even understand where this came from. Or why he thinks I would be interested. I have no idea who he is, and his profile has a date of 2006 with a total of zero posts. *scratches head*


Hi Aquila,
I'm Archie and I come from Scotland and was a teacher for a bit until I turned to business and writing.
I saw some of your posts about understanding 'kink' from an early age and it rang a bell with me.
While I'm a published author by day I enjoy writing erotic stuff in my 'free time'.
You'll know better than me that little girls can become extremely sexual little creatures at an early age. I'm currently writing some stuff (based on truth) concerning a young teenager who has had an urge ...from as far back as she can remember...to show herself off naked to her older brother and her father. She'd always enjoyed her brother 'bossing her about' when naked.
Her mother carefully supressed her needs in that line but when her mother left home, her father understood his daughter's basic needs and unlocked the intercommunicating door between the girl's bedroom and that of her much older brother.
It ended up as a two-way benefit, for young Julie enjoyed being bossed during the night hours while her nineteen year old brother, Brian, had sexual urges that needed satisfying.

It struck me that you might appreciate and understand the girl's urges and needs.
I suppose that I could write some "Princess-and-the-pea" passages into things if you felt our little girl wanted to become a physical as well as a sexual victim at the hands of her brother.
Anyway, if you want to hear more from me, my e-mail address should be included in this posting.
Yours, Archie

 

[coquettish]

Chy, I got the same PM! Your response was much more elegant than mine, which was a "I turn around and knee you in the balls. Don't you know what a fucking creepy act that is?"

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*

I suppose that I could write some "Princess-and-the-pea" passages into things if you felt our little girl wanted to become a physical as well as a sexual victim at the hands of her brother.

Do we get to beat him with a stupid stick, now? Please? I'd even bring a rusty spork for his balls...

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

Do we get to beat him with a stupid stick, now? Please?

I think someone beat you to it.

Repeatedly.

With some dropping on the head as a baby.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'd even bring a rusty spork for his balls...

Agggggghhhhhhhhh!! *winces* ...don't fucking SAY that anymore.

 

[ZRT]

Agggggghhhhhhhhh!! *winces* ...don't fucking SAY that anymore.

For the tendencies indicated by the male in question, I personally have no objection to castration followed by lingering death of tetanus.

 

[chy_girl]

Chy, I got the same PM! Your response was much more elegant than mine, which was a "I turn around and knee you in the balls. Don't you know what a fucking creepy act that is?"

ROFLMAO

Oh, that's funny! Did he write back to your reply?

...I wonder if he get's off on such physically violent replies? Because one would imagine most of the replies he got would run along those same lines.

 

[chy_girl]

Agggggghhhhhhhhh!! *winces* ...don't fucking SAY that anymore.

Well, DGE, I'd never suggest doing that to you.

Now any person, male or female, who would even suggest that a child wants to be abused physically or sexually?

Castration is the least of their worries.

 

[chy_girl]

For the tendencies indicated by the male in question, I personally have no objection to castration followed by lingering death of tetanus.

Thank you!
(you wanna help?)

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Well, DGE, I'd never suggest doing that to you.

Now any person, male or female, who would even suggest that a child wants to be abused physically or sexually?

Castration is the least of their worries.

I'm with you, chy. And ZRT. On a gut level.

It's the area just below my gut that starts to uncontrollably writhe and forces me deeper into my chair when I read "rusty spork for his balls."

 

[chy_girl]

I'm with you, chy. And ZRT. On a gut level.

It's the area just below my gut that starts to uncontrollably writhe and forces me deeper into my chair when I read "rusty spork for his balls."

That's ok. I'm sure we can forgive you below gut level for being a bit of weenie.


ETA: I only tease because I like you. And you have a sense of humor.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

That's ok. I'm sure we can forgive you below gut level for being a bit of weenie.


ETA: I only tease because I like you. And you have a sense of humor.

There are some words that, when used together, evolution decided should cause revulsion in adult males. These include "balls" in the same sentence with "rusty spork," "electric carving knife" or "cinderblock."

 

[neci]

Chy, you rock! rusty spork woman. man. and i thought sporks couldn't get any kinkier!

 

[chy_girl]

There are some words that, when used together, evolution decided should cause revulsion in adult males. These include "balls" in the same sentence with "rusty spork," "electric carving knife" or "cinderblock."

I'd never use human balls in the same sentence as "electric carving knife" or "cinderblock." Those method are far too quick.

Now, "dull plastic knife from a kids play set" and "busted bamboo skewers and briquettes" are a totally different story.

Chy, you rock! rusty spork woman. man. and i thought sporks couldn't get any kinkier!

Thank you!

Actually, thank you both for the laugh. It was good timing.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Alright. Enough rusty sporks. Now. Unless you want me to go all spatula and cheese grater on your asses.



I'm leaving for the gym to work this bad utensil juju out of my system.

Actually, I forgot where I was for a second. How about "I'll go all vanilla on your asses"? Yes. That's better.

 

[chy_girl]

Alright. Enough rusty sporks. Now. Unless you want me to go all spatula and cheese grater on your asses.



I'm leaving for the gym to work this bad utensil juju out of my system.

Actually, I forgot where I was for a second. How about "I'll go all vanilla on your asses"? Yes. That's better.

*points to last post*

I didn't say anything about ru...uhh...those things. It was a "dull plastic knife from a kids play set" and "busted bamboo skewers and briquettes". Totally different things... And no rust involved!

 

[graceanne]

ROFLMAO

Oh, that's funny! Did he write back to your reply?

...I wonder if he get's off on such physically violent replies? Because one would imagine most of the replies he got would run along those same lines.

Probably. That's why I don't reply to those kinds of posts. I refuse to participate in people getting off, even through telling them off.

Alright. Enough rusty sporks. Now.

I can't resist.

rusty spork, rusty spork, rust-y spo-ork!

 

[chy_girl]

Probably. That's why I don't reply to those kinds of posts. I refuse to participate in people getting off, even through telling them off.

Yes, but in certain moods it feels kind of good to unleash on some of the more deserving members of our society.

I can't resist.

rusty spork, rusty spork, rust-y spo-ork!

ROFLMFAO

Oh, the spork will never die...

 

[Aquila1]

Cultural differences rock! I had to google a spork because I had no idea what it was, and lo and behold, it appears to be on the same evolutionary branch as the splade.

I can still remember my mother telling me to set the table with special instructions to "use the splades tonight dear". She was very attached to them.

Of course a splade has a serrated edge - even nastier

http://blog.metrolingua.com/uploaded_images/splade-752701.jpg

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*

Of course a splade has a serrated edge - even nastier

http://blog.metrolingua.com/uploaded_images/splade-752701.jpg

Oh, that's like my grandmother's grapefruit spoons! You're right about the serrated edge - those freaking hurt when they slipped.

So... rusty splades and rusty sporks....

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

So... rusty splades and rusty sporks....

Of course a splade has a serrated edge - even nastier

I can't resist.

rusty spork, rusty spork, rust-y spo-ork!

By your reckless actions, you have opened the Vortex. You must now take the amulet to the Banana King, or unleash a thousand years of darkness.

God help you.

 

[graceanne]

By your reckless actions, you have opened the Vortex. You must now take the amulet to the Banana King, or unleash a thousand years of darkness.

God help you.

I live in Oregon. I rains 9 months out of the year. Darkness does not phase me. Bring it on, I say. BRING IT ON!