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ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

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I never saw No First Date before. Totally going in my (highly awesome) collection of Humor blogs.

edit:
Oh. When I added the RSS to my reader, I got only this post:
UPDATE…
from No First Date by Mr. Seattle

I’m going to be putting future posts into a “No First Date” book.

To know its release date, you can…

1) Subscribe to this blog

2) Become a Facebook Fan

3) Email me at nofirstdate (at) gmail (dot) com

Hope you guys have enjoyed this blog.

Just as I’ve tried to only post the best of the best, only the best of the best will be going into the book.

***UPDATE: (12/1/09) Regarding the comments about me selling out, or how a book will never sell.

It takes hours to get a good post together. 100K+ people have visited this site since it launched… and I’ve made $40 from the ads.

It’s fun to do but I can’t do it for 10 cents/hour. If anyone can give me a better way to make money… I’ll quit my job and post a new entry on this blog everyday!

Suggestions?

***UPDATE: (12/4/09) Based on people’s suggestions, I’ve added a “donate” button. As soon as I raise $1,000 I’ll begin to post regularly again… and scrap making a book. If you get entertainment out of this site, and you’d like to see it live on… donate a couple bucks.

***UPDATE: (12/6/09) New plan. For every $100 I raise I’ll put up a new post. Current donations stands at $7.94.
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Huh. It's dated 11/30/09.
 
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A PM I got today.

your profile is sending mixed messages dear - a beautiful scripture verse, a strongly worded anti-invitation wherein you state your intention of discouraging perverts, but then there's your beautiful young face under the title porno prom-queen?

Sorry if i seem judgmental, but i just wanted to encourage you that, if you are indeed a committed wife and mother who desires to live a life pleasing to God, that you reconsider your involvement here, before it creates a lifestyle or double life that ultimately destroys what you already have, and what you want in the future.

I can guarantee you that all of your sexual desires and dreams can be fulfilled within a committed relationship. but this place is not conducive to that.

May you ever be God's beautiful princess and your husbands wildest dreams!

(name deleted to protect the douche's identity)


My Reply:


Thank you for the unsolicited advice, (douchebag). I'm sure if I wasn't living a life pleasing to God, and I wasn't being a good wife, I wouldn't be here.

I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, but since you seem to be, suddenly, my best friend who knows EVERYTHING about me, let me remind you that you in fact do NOT know me, have never spoken to me before, and have actually, NO CLUE why I am on this website.

For your information, I am not here to seek a sexual partner, as you obviously are (since you think EVERYONE is here to do that, I'm supposing?) I am here to socialize with my friends on the forums. I am not being unfaithful to my husband in the least, especially since he is sitting behind me watching me type this as we speak.

The next time I want someone to look down on me and make wild assumptions about who I am and what I'm doing, I'll PM you. Until then, I suggest you keep your advice to yourself.
 
satindesire said:
your profile is sending mixed messages dear - a beautiful scripture verse, a strongly worded anti-invitation wherein you state your intention of discouraging perverts, but then there's your beautiful young face under the title porno prom-queen?

Sorry if i seem judgmental, but i just wanted to encourage you that, if you are indeed a committed wife and mother who desires to live a life pleasing to God, that you reconsider your involvement here, before it creates a lifestyle or double life that ultimately destroys what you already have, and what you want in the future.

I can guarantee you that all of your sexual desires and dreams can be fulfilled within a committed relationship. but this place is not conducive to that.

May you ever be God's beautiful princess and your husbands wildest dreams!

(name deleted to protect the douche's identity)


My Reply:


Thank you for the unsolicited advice, (douchebag). I'm sure if I wasn't living a life pleasing to God, and I wasn't being a good wife, I wouldn't be here.

I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, but since you seem to be, suddenly, my best friend who knows EVERYTHING about me, let me remind you that you in fact do NOT know me, have never spoken to me before, and have actually, NO CLUE why I am on this website.

For your information, I am not here to seek a sexual partner, as you obviously are (since you think EVERYONE is here to do that, I'm supposing?) I am here to socialize with my friends on the forums. I am not being unfaithful to my husband in the least, especially since he is sitting behind me watching me type this as we speak.

The next time I want someone to look down on me and make wild assumptions about who I am and what I'm doing, I'll PM you. Until then, I suggest you keep your advice to yourself.
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So, if this web site is not pleasing to God, according to this ass hole, then why are they here??
 
He actually had the gall to PM me again. My thoughts on the situation are in RED.

**************

if you look again, my pm did not accuse you of anything (really?! I seem to remember you accusing me of trying to seek some kind of sexual excitement here outside of my marriage and without my husband's knowledge?!), nor did it do anything but compliment you, but simply warned of potential pitfalls here from someone with lots of experience.(Ah, now we come to the meat of the situation. He's here fucking around on his wife, and since EVERYONE here does that, someone that quotes scripture must be sending mixed messages.)

you can take it as a compliment free of perverted intention, or, you can chuckle at a fathers silliness(let's look at that phrase again. "Father's Silliness". Did these messages strike anyone as fatherly concern?!), or just plain ignore me if you think I'm ignorant(That's the smartest thing I think he's ever said. Give that man a prize!)... these are ok options too, or you can react angrily... which i must say is puzzling given the encouraging complimenting tone of my pm? (You're a slut cheating on your husband, how dare you quote scripture. I mean this only in a complimentary way, of course.)

"thanks for worrying mr., but i'll be ok" woulda done fine too(How about "FUCK YOU?" instead?)... just a thought... and to appreciate people, however misguided and unsolicited there advice be(Hey, you're a smart one, Books!), because there's few in the world who care enough to tell a sweet and beautiful young woman the truth(Aww, I bet he gets all the girls with his arrogant narcissistic "compliments'.) ... seriously... think about that...

i sure didn't mean to piss in your Cheerios, so I'll be off... wishing you 2 the best, (I don't mean to piss you off, when I was such a jackass to you for absolutely no reason...)


*************************

My reply:

The truth?

Since when do you know me well enough to tell me the 'truth'? Your version of the truth was that I was here looking for sexual fulfillment outside of my marriage! If you don't remember, how about you re-read your original message?

Fact of the matter is, I take major offense to that accusation. I'm here to post on the forums, not to find a boyfriend, and my husband not only knows I'm here but often watches me post and comments on the threads himself. There is nothing about what I'm doing here that is damaging my relationship with my husband.

You should ask questions before assuming things. Then these sorts of problems wouldn't arise
 
You are far more charitable and patient than I am, Satin. I would not waste my time justifying myself to such a pompous imbecile.
 
PatchIsMe said:
I must admit, I have never heard the word quim until now.
Click to expand...

My 75-yr-old, conservative-as-hell mother used it in a Scrabble game with me a few weeks ago. I nearly choked to death.

It's an old English word. I first came across it when studying Chaucer at school.
 
Here's a riddle for you: What kind of person contacts people they don't know and don't know anything about to give them advice about their life?

Answer: A cunt.

It's not much of a riddle, he just sounds like a cunt. Batcunt.
 
satindesire said:
your profile is sending mixed messages dear - a beautiful scripture verse, a strongly worded anti-invitation wherein you state your intention of discouraging perverts, but then there's your beautiful young face under the title porno prom-queen?

Sorry if i seem judgmental, but i just wanted to encourage you that, if you are indeed a committed wife and mother who desires to live a life pleasing to God, that you reconsider your involvement here, before it creates a lifestyle or double life that ultimately destroys what you already have, and what you want in the future.

I can guarantee you that all of your sexual desires and dreams can be fulfilled within a committed relationship. but this place is not conducive to that.

May you ever be God's beautiful princess and your husbands wildest dreams!

(name deleted to protect the douche's identity)


My Reply:


Thank you for the unsolicited advice, (douchebag). I'm sure if I wasn't living a life pleasing to God, and I wasn't being a good wife, I wouldn't be here.

I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, but since you seem to be, suddenly, my best friend who knows EVERYTHING about me, let me remind you that you in fact do NOT know me, have never spoken to me before, and have actually, NO CLUE why I am on this website.

For your information, I am not here to seek a sexual partner, as you obviously are (since you think EVERYONE is here to do that, I'm supposing?) I am here to socialize with my friends on the forums. I am not being unfaithful to my husband in the least, especially since he is sitting behind me watching me type this as we speak.

The next time I want someone to look down on me and make wild assumptions about who I am and what I'm doing, I'll PM you. Until then, I suggest you keep your advice to yourself.
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That makes me want to punch him in the face. What an asshole.
 
Cattypuss said:
My 75-yr-old, conservative-as-hell mother used it in a Scrabble game with me a few weeks ago. I nearly choked to death.

It's an old English word. I first came across it when studying Chaucer at school.
Click to expand...

I actually laughed out loud when I read this!! :D I can imagine clearly you choking!!! The word is like an annoying song stuck in your head, I have found my self trying to apply it in my mind. Why won't it go away..... :confused:
 
Yes, I'm in a pissy mood

So I get a random PM (surprise) from some random guy who's doing a role-play proposition (double surprise with whipped cream and a cherry).

Normally, no big deal - it's a 'no answer' and straight to delete. Tonight I'm in a bit of a mood... And since he wants to share... Well, I'd hate to be rude.

Asshat said:
You are in a nightclub overlooking the dancefloor from the balcony.
Your eyes catch a group of girls dirty dancing, teasing the guys
around them. you are just about to join them when u feel me pressed
behind you. As my hands grip yours on the rails i lean in and whisper,
'Dont move......
Click to expand...

My reply said:
I sigh and allow my body to relax just a little before leaning forward towards the rail. Before you realize what's happening I drive my thick heeled boot firmly into your knee, my stomach turning a little at the sickening crunch.

As you bend forward, the scream of pain on your lips, I quickly twist my left hand loose from your grip and drive my elbow firmly back as I turn my entire body to face you, the pointed bone thudding heavily against your cheek before sliding across your face and catching the side of your nose. A quick side shuffle step allows me loop one of my legs behind yours as I shove firmly against your chest, my hand fisted in your shirt only to control the angle you fall so as not to trip me.

As you land heavily on the floor, your knee throbbing, your nose bloodied, your eyes dazed from the blow to the back of your head, I lean over you -eyebrows raised in earnest- and say, "Don't ever touch me again without permission, or the doctor's will spend the next six months trying to piece your testicles back together - right after you shit them out."

With a friendly smile, I turn and walk away. My Sir is waiting for me at the bar.
Click to expand...

He did thank me for the detailed response. However, I think he might have missed the 'not such a good way to pick up women' factor.

*shrugs*
 
chy_girl said:
So I get a random PM (surprise) from some random guy who's doing a role-play proposition (double surprise with whipped cream and a cherry).

Normally, no big deal - it's a 'no answer' and straight to delete. Tonight I'm in a bit of a mood... And since he wants to share... Well, I'd hate to be rude.





He did thank me for the detailed response. However, I think he might have missed the 'not such a good way to pick up women' factor.

*shrugs*
Click to expand...

Three weeks later:

And so the judge looks at your lawyer and asks "How does the defendant plead." and ur lawyer says "Not guilty by reason of he had it comin', your honor."
Click to expand...

Stories are best when followed all the way through.

What is most offensive to me about the message is that he spells 'you' out twice before breaking down and putting in the 'u', which means he knows how to do it.

Just sad.

And not capitalizing the personal pronoun 'I' is starting to grate on me more and more these days. Is the shift key our enemy? IS IT?
 
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