ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[DeepGreenEyes]

Do it. Record it. Share it.

Good boy.

Watch it, little one.

The question is, can I do it repeatedly, and keep a straight face, acting as if it's completely pedestrian behavior?

For instance, at the grocery store, I'll say, "Excuse me, where are your unbleached coffee filters, little one?" and when the slightly apprehensive 75-year old woman says "...Aisle 7" I'll answer "Thank you, little one."

And, at the mechanic's... "So, you think the problem is with the alternator, little one?"

It does have possibilities.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

ROFL
You need to change your "Literotica Guru" to "The Strange One."

Maybe. I just like to amuse myself.

 

[graceanne]

Yes, but no one starts out with that level of tolerance for yuck. Show me any female who's had to dig half digested stage 2 baby food out of their bra while holding a screaming, vomit covered baby 6" from their nose and didn't gag, and I'll show you a freaking miracle of nature.

Though it's quite amusing to see the expressions on the 16 year old know-it-all's face as you hand her said screaming ball of bio-hazard and start nonchalantly flicking chunks into the sink.

That's what you call birth control.

Watch it, little one.

The question is, can I do it repeatedly, and keep a straight face, acting as if it's completely pedestrian behavior?

For instance, at the grocery store, I'll say, "Excuse me, where are your unbleached coffee filters, little one?" and when the slightly apprehensive 75-year old woman says "...Aisle 7" I'll answer "Thank you, little one."

And, at the mechanic's... "So, you think the problem is with the alternator, little one?"

It does have possibilities.

If you can it'd result in some funny situations.

 

[chy_girl]

Maybe. I just like to amuse myself.

We can tell.

That's okay, though... Strange is a very good color on you... nicely offsets the green eyes.

And for the record, my most cherished friends and family range anywhere from strange to freaky-weird-but-in-a-good-way... With a couple of cheese-balls tossed in for flavor.

 

[graceanne]

Strange is normal around here.

 

[chy_girl]

Strange is normal around here.

That's because normal is strange?

 

[graceanne]

That's because normal is strange?

No, normal is scary. Don't make me go hide in the pillow fort again.

 

[chy_girl]

No, normal is scary. Don't make me go hide in the pillow fort again.

ROFLMA...

I stand corrected. If you'd like I can drive the scary normal people away with my marshmallow gun?

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I got this one today.....

student pie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a science professor now retired. my friend asked me if i would tutor his daughter in science so she passes her senior year of high school. I have always been attracted to melanie so i accepted. The first lesson mel came over in the shortest shorts and a tiny t. her d cups poked out the bottom. the lesson discussed gravity so i took mel to my bedroom to show her some examples. I told her gravity is what makes her tits sag. she said she has no sagging at all. i told her i could say the same for my tesyicles, its just nature. she asked me if my balls sag as much as her dads and i asked how she saw his. she told me he and her mom have no problem having sex all weekend with no need for clothes. I asked if she would like to spend weekends going to my old college with me. we could even stay in a hotel nearby. she asked if gravity makes penises sag. i told her my penis looks like its sagging low but its really just the large amount of meat on it. shall i continue?


Dear God is this supposed to turn me on or something?!?
I have gone round today with a very upleasent mental image of saggy balls and flaccid penis ewwwww!!
Spell check was obviously not an option, think I'd grade the whole thing a D-

I havent responded to the asshat...yet!

 

[graceanne]

I got this one today.....

student pie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a science professor now retired. my friend asked me if i would tutor his daughter in science so she passes her senior year of high school. I have always been attracted to melanie so i accepted. The first lesson mel came over in the shortest shorts and a tiny t. her d cups poked out the bottom. the lesson discussed gravity so i took mel to my bedroom to show her some examples. I told her gravity is what makes her tits sag. she said she has no sagging at all. i told her i could say the same for my tesyicles, its just nature. she asked me if my balls sag as much as her dads and i asked how she saw his. she told me he and her mom have no problem having sex all weekend with no need for clothes. I asked if she would like to spend weekends going to my old college with me. we could even stay in a hotel nearby. she asked if gravity makes penises sag. i told her my penis looks like its sagging low but its really just the large amount of meat on it. shall i continue?


Dear God is this supposed to turn me on or something?!?
I have gone round today with a very upleasent mental image of saggy balls and flaccid penis ewwwww!!
Spell check was obviously not an option, think I'd grade the whole thing a D-

I havent responded to the asshat...yet!

Ew. Just ew.

 

[graceanne]

ROFLMA...

I stand corrected. If you'd like I can drive the scary normal people away with my marshmallow gun?

I don't care how you make them go away, just make them go away.

 

[chy_girl]

I don't care how you make them go away, just make them go away.

*salutes gracie*
Yes Ma'am!

 

[kaycee217]

I don't know how you women stay on Lit sometimes.

I get the occasional "asshat PM" and it's annoying as heck.

 

[chy_girl]

I don't know how you women stay on Lit sometimes.

I get the occasional "asshat PM" and it's annoying as heck.

We get a special icky person poking stick with our membership card... It's kind of like a javelin only with little barbed pieces all over the tip.


Of course, being a bit of a smart ass helps too.

 

[LearningSub]

deleted

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
<i>I am a mature dom that prefers to be called daddy over master. I wanted to offer my advice to help in your learning. I had a friend for years with a ten daughter. one summer i was asked to let his girl katie stay with me for 4 weeks. I agreed and katie told me she had promised to her dad that if she acts bad i can punish her. I asked if she thinks she will be good and she said she would do anything to get spanked by a older man like me. I told her if she keeps speaking like that she will and she said she has been hoping to have a real man teach her how to suck cock since she was 14. I gave her such a spanking on her naked tush she was crying the whole time and she couldnt even sit.</i>

Say again, how old the kid was???

 

[Sir_Winston54]

hey A/all! I am pretty new to posting here on the boards, though I have been lurking for some time. I have been a registered member for all of two days and I already have an asshat-worthy PM! Yay for me! Here goes:



<i>I am a mature dom that prefers to be called daddy over master. I wanted to offer my advice to help in your learning. I had a friend for years with a teen daughter. one summer i was asked to let his girl katie stay with me for 4 weeks. I agreed and katie told me she had promised to her dad that if she acts bad i can punish her. I asked if she thinks she will be good and she said she would do anything to get spanked by a older man like me. I told her if she keeps speaking like that she will and she said she has been hoping to have a real man teach her how to suck cock since she was 14. I gave her such a spanking on her naked tush she was crying the whole time and she couldnt even sit.</i>

Say again, how old the kid was???

I believe the red bolded portion above makes a necessary correction/clarification, given the other bolded portion. So presumably, the kid was somewhere between 15 and 18... still (except for 18) illegal in most (if not all) states.

ETA: The author of the asshat PM is/was also almost certainly (99.9944% probability) a HNG with no attachment to reality.

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
I believe the red bolded portion above makes a necessary correction/clarification, given the other bolded portion. So presumably, the kid was somewhere between 15 and 18... still (except for 18) illegal in most (if not all) states.

Thanks. The wiring has been funky this week, so my brain isn't making the corrections that should be. Damned literal interpretations...

And what is a HNG?

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

Thanks. The wiring has been funky this week, so my brain isn't making the corrections that should be. Damned literal interpretations...

And what is a HNG?

Horny nincompoop guy?

 

[LearningSub]

deleted

 

[satindesire]

Thanks. The wiring has been funky this week, so my brain isn't making the corrections that should be. Damned literal interpretations...

And what is a HNG?

Horny 'Net Geek

 

[chy_girl]

Horny 'Net Geek

Ah! Thank you.

 

[Cattypuss]

I believe the red bolded portion above makes a necessary correction/clarification, given the other bolded portion. So presumably, the kid was somewhere between 15 and 18... .

Whatever happened to 19?

 

[chy_girl]

Whatever happened to 19?

It isn't edgy enough to qualify as jail bait or robbing the cradle?

 

[Cattypuss]

Oh. OK. I feared maybe it had been abolished or something and that young people these days go straight from 18 to 20.